I don't sleep much anymore. I tried going to bed around midnight but sleep eludes me so I have given up the fight. Now I sit with a mug of Earl Grey. It is my daughter Hayley's 29th birthday today. It seems like a lifetime ago she was born. We lived in St. Thomas at the time. A small little town just off of Lake Erie in Southern Ontario. I was still married and we lived in a lovely big house in a quiet subdivision. We weren't rich but we were comfortable. We weren't suppose to have Hayley. I had two high risk pregnancies previously and I was told my uterus wasn't strong enough to carry another pregnancy. So when I learned I was expecting it was a surprize. There was a suggestion of terminating but I wouldn't even contemplate that. So we choose to carry on. I had to spend weeks in the hospital on bed rest before she was born 5 weeks premature. So tiny! So beautiful! I feel in love instantly. I remember those days living in St. Thomas from 1990 to 1994 and they were the happiest I had ever been. I stayed at home with my children preferring to raise them myself rather than go out to work. So these two little girls were my entire life. It is hard for me to believe that was 29 years ago. So much went wrong after that,... so much,....

I don't even know if I'm going to see Hayley tomorrow. There have been no plans made. If she is having plans with her father and sister nothing was mentioned to me. I guess I will just text her (she doesn't answer her phone when I call??) and wish her a good day. I don't have money to get her anything or give her a nice dinner. I know she understands but it still bothers me that I cant. No dignity in poverty when you can't even buy your kid a gift on their birthday. :( So I will just wait and see what the day brings.

And on to something completely different,... I was thinking earlier that people might not understand why I want to die so badly. I'm sure it's hard for others to grasp if you have a good life. But the truth is I don't actually WANT to die. I just don't want to struggle anymore in pain and poverty. So that begs the question what would it take to change your mind and want to make you continue living? That is no mystery. I want my children in my life. Everyday. I want to be included in all the family celebrations,... I want to go on a vacation every year with my daughter and granddaughter,... I want to be invited to spend Christmas with Michelle and/or Hayley,... and Thanksgiving,.... and Easter,.... I want to have joy from the love of my family in my life. If my girls made the time for me and included me and WANTED me in their life,... I think I would be happy and could balance the difference with the pain and the poverty I deal with now. If I had a healthy balance of Love,.. family,...and things to do it would be a lot easier to deal with the negative. Without the love and support and a purpose,... it's not worth dealing with the pain and poverty. I'm not asking to be healed or to suddenly have lots of money. I just want a balance of joy with the bad. My cup is bone dry. I replenish it with nothing. So all my soul knows is pain and lonliness and feeling unwanted,... My soul is tired,... it just feels like it's time to end it now,... Theres nothing keeping me here anymore,...