Things have really gotten bad. Two days ago I walked to Walmart to pick up a few essentials. On the way home the sidewalk had a bump where the two slabs weren't even and my walker stopped and I didn't and I went ass over tea kettle. It was awful. My groceries all flew out of the walker and rolled out everywhere. But on top of that, I was hurt. My shins had hit the metal bar of my walker and tore them. It was quite painful and I was bleeding. This was the first time I have ever had a fall outisde of my home and I really needed help. But there wasn't any. It was five o'clock rush hour so the road was full of cars. But no one stopped. I actually sat there hurt for a few minutes and then had to get up myself. I collected all my groceries that had scattererd everywhere and threw them back into the walker. I was crying,... and my shins were on fire. But I limped home. 

You know when something happens in your life - good or bad - there is that one person you want to tell. You right away call or go see and you share your news. Everyone seems to have "a person". I don't. When I fell,... I was desperate and really needed a hand to get back home. But other than Becky (who was already scheduled to take me to get blood work the next day so I didn't want to use her twice.) So I called my daughter Hayley. But no one answered and her mailbox was full so I couldn't even leave a message. There I was ~ still on the ground ~ texting my daughter for help. No answer to her text. She was probobly working and not around her phone. But they were the only two people in my life. I had no one else to call. So I was forced to either call an ambulance which I would never do unless I broke something, or I sucked it up and walked home hurt. I walked home hurt.

This is my life now. Alone. So everything that happens I do alone. For the first time after that fall I felt very vulnerable. It was obvious my physical mobility was getting worse and I was needing help now. But there is no one to help me. I am alone.

I waited for my daughter to text me back when she finally got to her phone. I think I had texted her "I just had a bad fall coming home from Walmart. really upset. Just want to talk to someone." but got no reply. An hour later I texted "Please call me" But again I got no reply. Finally the next morning she texted "Are you ok? I was at work last night and went strait to bed when I got home."

I felt like she dissed me. Did she? She does this all the time. You text her and she PRETENDS she hasn't seen the text. But we all know that when we get a text we look at it. Whether we open it or not is up to what we are doing at the time. But we hear it come in. And I would think after her shift at work she would check her phone to see what she missed while working. In other words, I can't help feeling like she KNEW I texted. She just didn't want to deal with it. This is not the first,... or second,... or even third time she has done this. It is obvious she is screening her calls/texts and when they are from me she ignores. Which up until now was annoying but I kind of understood. I always felt hurt and avoided but I just swallowed it and moved on. But this time I was hurt and really did need her. And yet again,... she didn't answer my call. You can say your busy all you want to. But everyone can find two and a half minutes to check their phones and answer a text. I believe she saw the text and just couldnt' be bothered. If my Mom had sent a help request like that I would have dropped everything and gone to her. My kids don't do that. I am not a priority at all in their lives. I have said it before and I still believe that I am just an obligation to Hayley that she thinks she has to fill because I took her in when she had no other place to go. But she doesn't really want a relationship with me. I am her burden. When she finally did text me back with are you ok I sarcastically replied in a text "I am now" and there has been no commucication since. 

The family doctor I called requesting her to take me back as a patient so I can go through the maids process called back this morning. Apparently you DON'T need a family doctor to go through the process. She gave me a number to call which I haven't done yet. But I will be. I have had enough of this life and want nothing more than for it to end.

I was out doing laps in my hall yestserday and had two incidents. First Tonya Halls was talking to another tenant and although she wasn't gossiping about me this time, she instead was talking about the poor girl who lives on our floor at the other end. She went on and on and on about how this young girl is having a baby shower but she only wants expensive shit,... blah blah blah,... gossip,... gossip,... gossip,... This poor girl probobly doens't even know Tonya and here Tonya is airing her life for all to hear in a negative way. If I had felt better I would have confronted her. but I wasn't up to it so I just let her talk but I am pissed and feel for the new girl down the hall who is sweet and keeps to herself and talks to no one and yet Tonya knows everything about her and is spreading it around the building. It just irritates me that she gets away with being such a gossippy playground CHILD! 

I never understood the need to gossip. WHY does Tonya feel she has to know about and talk about my life? About anyones life? I have told her to forget I exist,... never use my name,... but still she has to try and pull me into her playground. By lying about me. So I am really UNHAPPY living here right now. I can't even do my 10 laps in the hall without having to deal with Darren muttering under his breath when I pass by "STALKER" or Tonya lying to people saying I did stuff to her I didn't even do. I don't even come out of my unit anymore. I'm not stalking anyone. I'm just walking in the hall.  But this is what I mean about you can't live here without them sucking you into their playground games. I hide away but they still find ways to gossip. What is it about this woman that she won't leave me alone????

I don't want to be bothered. I keep myself to myself. But I am Irish and when you do fuck with me I fight back. And that is why Tonya hates me. She gets away with it when she talks about everyone else because no one else will stand up to her. Except me. I call her out every single time she lies about me. She doesn't like this at all. Has there ever been a person in your life that is just IRRITATING? Like a mosquito buzzing around but you can't swat? Thats Tonya Halls. For some reason she just can't keep her mouth shut about ANYONE. And I have had enough of her bullshit. It just makes living here so difficult. No peaace at all. I hate this place now and no longer want to live here. but I have no other place to go. I am trapped. Living on ODSP in this poverty I have absolutely NO CHOICES to make change. 

Which is all the more reason to just end it all and I will never have to worry about the likes of Tonya fucking Halls or Darren Green ever again.