THAT time of year again,...

I just saw on social media that Hayley was at her Dads with her sister and the rest of the family for Thanksgiving. She otold me she was at her boyfriends brothers,... I was on social media and accidently came across a couple of pics. I can't tell you just how much it breaks my heart that I get left out of every single family holiday and celebration. I know other families that are divorced. And they seem to manage to spread the holidays around so everyone gets included. But it seems my family has forgotten that I even exist. I realize why my ex doesn't include me. Thats obvious. But my daughters? It hurts me that they don't even SEE that I am completely left out and have to watch them all have what I miss. On the sidelines - not included - UNWANTED. If Hayley had just come to me and told me what her plans were I wouldn't have been happy but I would have smiled and said ok and just deal. We could plan another dinner together another time. But instead she just blanked me. Left me hanging like a 17 year old girl waiting for the football captain to call. hoping,... trying not to care,... but dying inside that the invite never came,...

I don't understand it. It's not all in my mind. A person can feel a vibe or aura or whatever you want to call it,... when they are not a priority in someones life. Infact,... I can feel very strongly,... that if given the option, Hayley just wouldn't bother at all. To her,... I am an obligation. She already has a Father and Mother. And it's not me. She doesn't need me. My role as Michelle and hayleys Mom has been made obsolete. And I don't know how to cope with that. The feelings of hurt are undescribable when the feelings come from your own child. It's devastating.

I don't think I'm going to bother with Christmas again this year. but this time I'm not even going to do a little bit. Last year was so hard I can't go through that again. The feeling of being unwanted on a day when family is suppose to all be together. Nope,... For me,... it is going to be just another day,.... Just another Monday,... when you have no expectation,... You can't get hurt. I don't have any Christmas stuff anyway. After last years fiasco I threw everything and anything Christmas in garbage bags and dumped them in the garbage room. When you are alone as much as I am every Christmas ~ you really do learn to HATE it! It's nothing but heartache and lonliness and the constant reminder that no one has cared enough to even want to be with you at CHIRISTMAS!!!!! So,... FUCK Christmas. It has only become a day of trauma to me anyway. I can't tell you how much I dread this time of year.

If I had it my way,... I would run off to a log cabin in the woods and just cuddle up infront of a fire. I would forget that the world outside me existed. I would eat well. My favourite roast beef and popover dinners. I would eat GOOD food. not crap I eat now. I would buy steaks and roasts,... I would have fruit and vegtables,... I would have dessert after every meal,... And while in this cabin I would write. i would sit watching the snow fall softly to the ground. It would be so peaceful. No Christmas tree. No presents. Just me and nature. 

But this will never ever happen. There is no log cabin. Or the money to buy all that lovely food. There is nothing.