This society confuses me. I have been shouting from the rooftops for a few years now for help with living on ODSP. I have called everyone I can think of. But no one can help. Unless I am willing to swallow my pride and go cap in hand and use charity then I am always going to be living without. 

I dont  use the food bank. I don't ask for money from Churches like some people in this building. I don't ask for anything from charity. I have pride and I find it too hard to ask for help and the basic needs that I should be entitled to in the first place. Why should I have to? My government should pay me enough that I don't have to do without basic needs. But they don't,... so in the end I suffer.

So it pisses me off that I have asked and asked and asked and got nothing. They all KNOW we live without and are struggling. But as long as it doesn't effect their lives directly than they can turn their heads and pretend the need isn't there. But heres what pisses me off. They know we are struggling,... They know our lives are miserable,... But they won't help - they just turn their heads and pretend they don't see us so they can sleep at night. But the SECOND you say you are going to end your life???? They scramble into action and can't get here fast enough.

When darren called the police on me I saw the police car coming. Lights and sirens and turning the corner at such high speed I thought he was going to go on two wheels!... I saw it coming from my livingroom window. darren had shown them my blog and being the piece of shit that he is he tried to pretend concern and phoned the police saying I was killing myself. Of course we know he wasn't concerned,... he just wanted the police to come here and harrass me yet another time as he KNOWS my biggest fear is being thrown in Homewood. He blatantly tried to do that. he knew my fear and used it against me.

So,... you can suffer and struggle and be hiungry and go without medical care and basically live a life of misery. And no one bats an eye. But the second you say you are going to end that life suddenly everyone cares and comes running at 100 miles an hour. You are all a bunch of hypocrites!!!!!! Happy Shiny People DOGOODERS!! You don't mind we don't have enough to eat,... you don't mind we have no transportation to get anywhere,... you don't mind we can't get out to medical appointments,... You don't mind we don't get to celebrate holidays becasue we can't afford to,... we are invisable to you every other second of our life. But you just whisper suicide and the they come running lights and sirens. 

WHY?

Why is everyone so afraid of suicide? Because they have never had to live in pain and poverty and misery,... When all the police and emt's showed up here after darren phoned I was PISSED. How dare you ignore me for years when I am screaming at the world for help??? As long as you all have a vehicle and a home and a family and get to celebrate every holiday,... to hell with us that don't,.... All of the people who are suppose to HELP me have done anything but.  

I could starve lying on this mattress on the middle of my livingroom floor. No one would bat an eye. Because I died of starvation rather than suicide it's acceptable. This world is so fucked it thinks its alright to live life hungry and miserable but GOD FORBID you end it. THAT would be too upsetting and distressing for the Happy Shiny People. 

For some reason this society is hell bent on keeping you alive. WHY? What do they care? They aren't here to help out? They don't even know I exist so why the hell do they care if I end my life? I really do want to know that answer.

If your not willing to help ~ then you don't have the right to tell me I can't end my suffering.

You can't celebrate Christmas with your family and then turn around and tell me I can't end my life even though I don't get to do the same??? What I see from down here is,... " We dont care your miserable and dont' have enough to get by,... just so long as you stay alive and suffer and struggle it's ok" But don't ever end your life for relief. THAT would be too distressing on us happy shiny people.

Suicide is only wrong in the bible. I don't believe in God anymore so it's not my law. Suicide is only wrong because some human being somewhere down the line said it was wrong and made it law. Well I don't care who the fuck says it wrong. THEY DONT HAVE TO LIVE THIS LIFE OF MISERY. And quite frankly to stand by and WATCH  me suffer but not give me relief is INHUMANE!!!!! They don't have the right to say suicide is wrong. Who the fuck are THEY? 

So in conclusion I have decided that the only way to be seen and get help is to say your going to kill yourself. THAT is the only time you are HEARD.

And if you do you can be assured they will say your mental (not mad at being poor) and throw you in a mental hospital. So,... becasue of that,... I will NEVER, EVER, ask for help. I will instead just end my life.

After you successfully end your life what are they going to do??? Arrest you?

How sad that the ONLY way anyone will listen is to cry suicide,.... otherwise your fucking invisable!!!