Whew,...

You would not believe just how much better I woke up feeling today. Lighter somehow. There is a phrase my British father said to me once,... "...start as you mean to go on" which is I'm sure self explanatory but I think that is what I need to do. So I made a conscious effert to change as much as I can about my life. Start as I mean to go on,...

I have been holding so much stress and anxiety and anger inside me lately. I knew I had to start with releasing all of this somehow. Having fibromyalgia I can't do what I used to do which is exercise. Walk,... hike,...swim,..dance. Now my body rebels at the work it takes. So I have to find a different way to purge my anxiety. This is going to sound corny and ridiculous but I had a "meditation(?)" to myself. I sat down and literally meditated. I tried to quiet my mind as much as I could (which isn't easy for me at all). Once I felt calm I just made an oath to myself. I consciously let all my toxic feelings for HIM go. Because I know if you hold on to them they will make you sick. So I let it all go. I even forgave him for what he did to me. I think forgiveness is important. It doesn't say I'm ok with what you did. It just says I'm no longer going to think about it or let it navigate my life.I LET IT GO!

It's gone

Now,... I am a HUGE football fan. (Soccer for us North Americans) So I spend a great deal of my time watching soccer. In the morning I have gotten in the habit of having my coffee and watching YouTube videos of soccer. I watch clips of old games,... documentaries of players,... talk of what is happening around the leagues,... I just immerse myself in the whole culture. But one of my secret indulgences I have is to watch YouTube videos of "saddest moments in soccer" (or most memorable). It never fails to make me literally bawl my eyes out. I am not a girly-girl by any means. I am probobly the only girl I know who doesn't care to watch the Notebook or read romance novels. Fashion bores me and I almost always wear soccer gear everyday. I don't care about shopping because I'm not into "things". With OCD I like to keep clutter-free and end up getting rid of "things". I never get manicures or pedicures or highlights in my hair at the hair salon. I could care less what I look like half the time. After showering I throw my hair up in a bun each day and I throw on something soccer related to wear. I'm done. No primping or make-up or doing my hair. I'm a very simple girl. Except when it comes to soccer. So today I put on a few of my sad and memorable soccer videos and I cried. I let it all out. I sobbed when a player died on the field. I cried when he was saved by his teammates. I cried when the mascot - a little boy with cancer - died and all the players cried,... All the sad moments hit me. And after an hour I was all sobbed out. But I felt better. I could feel I had let so much go and was ready to hopefully start fresh once again.

There is so much going on in the footy world right now that I have been lucky enough to keep myself distracted with keeping up with it all. Nothing can stop me from watching my soccer games. Well,.. ok, money could, but I budget well enough that I make soccer streaming a priority and give up in other areas instead. There are quite a few documentaries and series out at the moment about soccer itself and players and leagues. I have thoroughly enjoyed all of these series. I have to say with all honesty,... if I didn't have soccer I would quite literally go mad. When I am anxious, I turn on a game and I calm right down. It's my Xanax. 

My local team ~ Toronto FC from the MLS legue ~ has finished for the season. Embarrassingly sitting at the bottom. Manchester United is clawing their way to stay in 8th place. But I also watch International leagues as well. So there is never any shortage of games for me to immerse myself in. Or a series or documentary to enjoy. So I think from here on in,... that kid down the hall will never be mentioned again and I will just immerse myself into the world of soccer. 

I think when you are this low and feel like there is no future. You have to force yourself to let go of what is toxic and take on what makes you happy. I know in my situation money prevents me from doing almost everything I enjoy (but I have managed to keep soccer streaming,...) so I will just have to dig deep and FIND something that is free I can enjoy. I seem to be like a border collie. I'm great to have around if you just keep me busy. If I get bored I get over-whelmed and need to go outside lol I guess I've always said I am not the kind of person who can just sit in a chair and watch tv all day or sit on a beach when I go on vacation. i am a "do-er" I need to get out there and "do". I will take any suggestions on anything that could occupy my time over the coming winter months i will be couped up inside of this Doug Ford made prison. 

I know if i don't find something to occupy my time and mind I will not make it.

So I throw away the past few months of stress and instead I look forward.

New blog,... new future,... new life,....