I was woken up again today by the loud scraping of the tenant upstairs dragging his furniture across the bare floor. Just like clockwork every morning at seven o'clock ~ stomp,... stomp,... stomp,.... scraaaaaaaaape,..... stomp,... stomp,... stomp,... The joys of apartment living. Nothing you can do about it. It's just life. But geeeeeez buddy,.... I have asked you to put felt on the legs of your furniture but no,..... you would rather stomp around and wake me up every morning at 7 o'clock. Arghhhhhhh Not the nicest of alarm clocks.

After waking up I looked around the room. I am now sleeping on the mattress on the floor in the living room. My tv is set to a scene of a rainy night in a log cabin infront of a roaring fire. A weak attempt at trying to turn this room into something inviting. But it doesn't work. As I look around I am saddened. My apartment is pretty "Grey Gardens"  The walls are mostly bare. Most of my furniture is broken and held together by duct tape. My carpet so frayed I vacumn it each and every day in the hopes of prolonging it's life and making this place look even a little bit better. But no amount of cleaning can make this place inviting. I look at it as if for the first time and I am embarrassed at the poverty it so glaringly shows. It's not a home anymore,... it's my prison.

So I lay here and I don't even want to get up. I have no purpose to get up. There will be nothing to do when I do. When I open my eyes in the morning now,... I don't see the start to a fresh day. I see hours and hours of nothing. And every morning the feeling of just wanting to stay in bed and ignore the world for ever like it has ignored me becomes overwhelming. Today it took me a long time to find the motivation to even bother getting up. And now that I am,... my heart just sinks because I know I have to find something to do to fill all these relentless empty hours of nothing,... 

I am still isolating away inside my unit. I just don't have it in me to deal with the nonsense that goes on outside my door. So instead I hide away. I really don't want to see anyone from this building. But last night I accidently ran inot Darren. I thought I saw him walk to the store from my window. So I thought I would take the opportunity to do my 10 laps. I hate doing laps now as when I do his end of the hall I am always afraid he is going to come out and run into me. So if by chance I happen to see he is not home, I take the opportunity to do my laps then. I was on my 10th lap when he came back. I was way at the end of his hall when he opened the stairwell door and came out. We had no choice but to pass each other. I have nothing to be ashamed of so I held my head high and I purposely looked him strait in the eye to let him know I am not in the wrong and can hold my head high - HE is in the wrong. And true to form his cowardly nature tried to look me in the eye but couldn't. He ended up instead dropping his head and looking at the floor and literally running past me. I never took my gaze off of his eyes. He is such a coward. I wanted so badly to say something,... but I knew that would just instigate and set him off again. So I bit my tongue and just walked by. But he knows ~ and I know ~ who is the one who did wrong. And it wasn't me. 

A few weeks ago I ordered my lavender bubble bath for my itchy skin. Its a treat i get every 6 months to help curb this insesant itching I seem to suffer all the time now. Anyway,... I just got an email from Amazon saying my payment wasn't authorized needed new payment. huh? what? So I went into my account and looked to see what they were talking about. Ah,... I see,... Darren piggybacked my Amazon Prime account for two years. He used my account to order dozens and dozens of things. Which I didn't care,... we were friends and it helped him out. But when we parted ways, I couldn't take his card off of my account. it wouldn't let me. Anyway,... long story short,... my bubblebath got put on HIS credit card. Ooops,... my bad,... really was an honest mistake. But hey,... this is what you get when you piggyback off of everyone else. He used my internet,... my ancestry account,... my Amazon Prime account,... He even used my PHONE NUMBER whenever he dealt with the government or whatever. You know when you have to verify your account by a text? He would never use his own phone number ~ asked to use mine instead ~ which I didn't think was a big deal ~ and let him. But now I look back and wonder WHY did he need to use my phone number?? Why didn't he just use his own?? He is quite paranoid about the government and official documents and for some reason he hates giving his own information. Weird,... anyway,... I guess he'll think twice about being a cheapskate and using other peoples accounts instead of paying for his own memberships. The more I look back - the more I see he was a scavenger. Just used,... used,... used,...  He rarely shopped for himself. He came over and used my apartment like a dollar store. Can I borrow some rubbing alcohol? Can I borrow some porridge,... I'm out of toilet paper can I borrow a couple rolls,... I've got a headache can I borrow some tylenol? It never ended,... it just went on and on. Funny how you don't see these things while it's happening. You can only see it later when you look back. Darren was a USER. I regret all the stuff I have lost into his apartment,... but I don't regret helping him. That is who I am. If I can help,... I will give it to you,... It would be a shame for me to change just because two people in this building took adavantage of my kindness and took,... took,.. took,... Having been homeless and in dire need in the past myself,... I still hope I would offer the shirt off my back if someone needed it. I'm sure now that we aren't friends anymore, he MUST be feeling it financially. I gave him so much. Now he has to buy it all himself. I have noticed myself that my groceries are lasting a lot longer. I was buying double the meat so I could share with him. Now that meat lasts twice as long. I am SAVING MONEY no longer having this man in my life. That was a surprize bonus I was not expecting. But it did show me just how much I was giving,...

Today I am despondent. It is 10:30 in the morning. My pain level is average. I can walk and get around but it hurts. I won't be going outside today. The temperature is too cold and it gets into my bones and makes the pain worse. So I know I will be forced to spend the next 15 to 17 hours in this prison with nothing to do but watch the tv. It's mind numbing and I can feel myself getting more and more frustrated with each passing day. There is a feeling in the pit of my stomach that squeezes. It's very uncomfortable. I can't describe it but it just feels like a black ball of doom sitting in the pit of my stomach. This nothing to do has gone from mental to physical. Now the frustration and boredom is manifesting in anxiety that is really uncomfortable now. Every single day I feel this overwhelming thing in the pit of my stomach. I don't know how much more I can mentally and physically take. 

I am a vessel. Just a body. My mind is numb. 

Hayley has still not come by. I have given up on her. I will not say anything to her. What is the point? It will only cause hard feelings and then probobly a fight and then she'll get mad and leave too. So instead I suck up my hurt and I hope that today is the day she finally finds the time to pop over and say hello. She is busy. She works in retail and the Christmas season is coming up. I get that. But come on,...

If a person WANTS to be in your life,... they will FIND the time to be there,... end of.

And today I am feeling extra low because all I can think about is Michelle and my granddaughter and everything that I have missed. I am GRIEVING for this little girl I have never even met. It breaks my heart, I mean I feel a real pain in my heart,... 

Today is not going to be a good day,... :(