I sit here writing with a heavy heart. I just can't go on,....

I am looking around my apartment. The walls are bare. I have sheets hanging for drapes over my balcony door window right now. I have two command hooks holding a bent rod. On that rod is a dark bed sheet. Holes cut in the top of the sheet to thread the rod through,... and then hung up to look exactly like what it is - sad. In my bedroom I have no drapes as I don't have a ladder tall enough to put up proper hardware or money to actually by the curtains and hardware. So I have put up a bed mattress topper against the window and pulled the see-through blind down to hold it in place. It's the size of a double mattress so it's large and covers the window to keep out the light. It doesn't do the job well but it's better than no coverage on the window at all. I have also put up command hooks and one panel of a darkening curtain panel. I could only afford the one though so it only covers up about 3 feet of my 9 foot window. So you can imagine just how derelect this place looks now. It's so bad that I won't invite anyone here. It's so humiliating to live in such poverty. But on top of the poverty is the fact that I need help but don't have it. I need someone to lend me a ladder. I need money to buy hardware and curtains to cover both my windows properly so I don't have this mish-mash of sheets and things I could find in the dollar strore,... being poor and living alone really teaches you how to become McGuiver. For 20 years now I have lived alone and had no help. If something needed doing I had to figure out a way to do it myself or it wouldn't get done at all. And now is no different. I need a handyman and a tall ladder for about half a day to get this place back into some kind of shape where I'm not embarrassed to call this place my home. I have been needing to do this for nearly a year now. I have asked my daughter but she is (as we all know,...) TOO BUSY so she never shows up. Kirk was going to help me but he too would say yes but then never actually have the time to come over and do it,... In my life I get lots of helpful offers but it's the follow through where no one shows up because they just forget or can't find the time or they never intended to help at all and were just placating me by being nice,... whatever the answer is it means my apartment looks Grey Gardens and I hate it. I am so embarrassed and humiliated that I have ended up here that I won't even make friends right now as I'm too embarrassed for anyone to see what a failure I have become. 

It's not even 9 in the morning yet and already I have nothing to do and I can feel the anxiety building up in the pit of my stomach. Its a hard ball of anxiety that just sits there,... it's an uncomfortable feeling. Like I'm just about to have a panic attack. You can't feel relaxed,... infact I feel quite unsettled most of the time. It's not a nice feeling at all.

And I still can't manage to get out and get that key cut for my mailbox. I don't think I am going to be able to get out to do it for awhile. My pain level has been high and the temperature outside cold. Anytime I go out and the cold gets inside me it translates to PAIN. And the pain doens't go away once you come inside to get warm. It stays with you all day. So as you can imagine I avoid going outside at all in the cold weather. My mobility is very limited right now. I know people might find this hard to believe but between now and the spring I usually only manage to get out to get supplies and errands done about once every two months. That is about two or three times all winter!!!! It is a problem. It's been my MAIN problem since I had to give up my car. So I don't know what to tell housing. I may have to give them back their mail key and just do without my mail until the spring. WHEN ARE PEOPLE GOING TO FINALLY SEE THAT I AM DISABLED - NOT MOBILE - AND TRAPPED INSIDE MY APARTMENT FOR THE WINTER? I can't get out!!!!!! So I will hold on to this key until they ask for it back (which she has laready done once) and then tell her to just forget it and give it back. I just can't get out to get this damn key cut,... so again in my life,.. I am forced to do without. I fucking hate having no choices. 

I have two days until the 29th. Shawn and Ians birthday. It's not the day they died,... just the day they were born. I am so despondent and depressed and desperate that my only wish is to end my life on the their birthday. Go to be with them again,... to finally find happiness and peace and NO PAIN. To not have to rely on others who only leave you disappointed in the end,... I will finally,... finally be free of this prison the Happy Shiny People call life,...

Maybe THEIR Life is good,... but not mine. My life is a fucking struggle from the minute I get up until I go to bed. And I just can't  do it anymore,... I either need some SERIOUS REAL help and support or I am just going to end it all,... I don't have anything left to fight with anymore.