One more day,...

It is the 28th today. One more day until I end my life. I haven't decided exactly how yet but I will. I have options. They are not pain-free and they will be extremely terrifying to carry out but I will just keep in my mind that once done - after a few seconds of trauma - I will die. i will finally be free.

Hayley texted and said she was coming over. But only because i left her a message telling her not to bother bringing the key and cat carrier back now as I don't need them anymore. I guess that made her feel guilty and she texted to say she was coming over. But I was in a horrible state. I was angry and hurt and in pain and I was in no shape to be dealing with what I needed to tell her. having received my "don't bother coming" text she replied she'll come over anyway for a visit. Now normally this is what I would live for,... her saying something like she just WANTS to come over for no reason but to see me. That never happens. But today,... I can't explain it except I wasn't up to seeing ANYONE. I was NOT WELL yesterday. So I actually texted and this is a quaote,... "I'm not having a good day at all. I'm really depressed and angry so I think i whould just stay alone gtoday. I'm not able to cope with anything today. sorry." she texted back "Ok, it's ok. I may be able to come by on the weekend then if your feeling better.  I know she was relieved to hear she didn't have to come now,... The obligation was over and she was free to stay home. 

I can't explain why I felt this way. but as I was here waiting for her to come over I was spirralling. I need to have a serious talk with her but I knew I wasn't in the right frame of mind to do that. i was emotional,... angry,.... just very upset at my living situation and fed up. Part of me didn't want her to see me this way and another part knew if she did come over it would end in me losing control of my emotions and saying things in the wrong way and we would end up parting ways. And it would have been my fault. becasue right now I have no control over my emotions. I am so angry at my situation that I have deteriorated into a vessel of anger and hurt. I'm sorry I didn't get to see hayley one last time but It would have ended badly and then when i did end my life she would feel more guilty. i didn't want her to feel bad so I just told her to stay home. but i really, really could of used a last hug from her,.... 

Now I am planning,... and hopefully by Thursday i will be gone,... and I will finally be free.

Is this what I truly want? No. What I want is:

to live humanly - but Doug Ford won't allow that,..

to have a family that is IN my life so I see them all on a regular basis where they are in and out of my life,...

But I will never have either of these things. 

Becasue I am a mentally ill monster that no one likes and no one wants and no one will even care of notice when I'm gone,...

I hate this world and what it did to me just becasue I was different.

But in this word only the Happy Shiny People live good happy descent lives,.... I guess being mentally ill and physically diabled with fibromyalgia I just didn't rate into that category and therefore my life was very very different from my loved ones. They had no clue how difficult a struggle life for me is. 

But hey,... as long as Jeff got to steal my girls and keep them,... I guess Ideserved it,...

My family all through me away,... I guess I deserved it,....

I guess I'm just a mentally ill monster that needs to go,....

I just don't deserve to be here hanymore. 

I'm a mentally ill monster,......