I didn't want to wake up. But I did. I am so depressed and so despondant that all I can think about is dying. I want so badly to have the courage it takes to end my life. But so far,... I can't find a way to do it. I want to do it with an overdose but I can't find fentanyl,... so now I am forced to look at more painful ways to do this. 

I am so angry at life. Over the past 5 years I have gone from a descent human being into an empty vessel that is numb and angry. If you have ever seen the tv program "Doc Martin" there is a character on there who has no social skills and just says what he wants to people. He doesn't care if it offends them or hurts them. He sounds like an awful man but in the show he is actually likable. Anyway,... this is who I am now. I am so depressed and angry and resentful at my situation that I have turned into a person I no longer recognize. I do not go out into the "outside world" anymore because I am so miserable. I no longer care what happens to me. I no longer care if I die,... I no longer care if my family finally come back to me,... it's too late,... I am too empty and jaded and angry now to even WANT these things anymore. I am at the end.

This is a great social experiment. Take away everything a person has and tell them they are now only worth $1308.00 a month. Tell them if they want basic needs they are forced to go cap in hand and use charity. The dignity disappears,... the will to live disappears,... you just have to watch the news and see all the people in this country on disability are choosing DEATH over life because living in poverty is no life. 

Today I had a glass of orange juice. not a normal glass,... but I fill my cup with one inch of orange juiice and the rest water. The same for ice tea too,... when i have dinner I dont' have meat, potatoe and a veg anymore. I have a piece of meat alone and that is all OR I have veggies with NO MEAT to go with it. I only eat twice a day so I can ration my mnthly supply of food. If I eat too much in the beginning I will run out and be hungry at the end of the month. So I have to "budget" my food intake. I NEVER get to go out for breakfast, lunch or dinner or even just a cup of coffee. I never get to go to a movie or a bar. I can't even go to a park becasue i need a vehicle to get there and then they cost money to enter!!!! Every damn thing in this world costs money. And I don't have any so I just don't get,...

It makes me feel like the most unworthy person in the world. YOUR NOT WORTH ANYTHING TO THIS SOCIETY. So I am doing what Doug Ford wants us all to do,... I want to die and end this suffering. I want it,... Doug Ford wants us all to disappear,... so why wont' they allow me to end my life??? 

I am a soul.  I am a person. I have a heart. But to this world I am just a mentally ill disabled person who has no worth anymore,...

How does this Province get away with starving their disabled and treating them as burdens to society? They get away with it becasue the world is run by rich Happy Shiny People who as long as they get what they want ~ to hell with the people "down here" in need. 

I'm tired of being invisable,... I'm tired of being told no there is no support for you,... I'm tired of falling through the cracks where otheres get what I need but for some reason I don't qualify,... I'm tired of having to "prove" to the Happy Shiny people that I am in need. In my world if you want anything you have to jump through hoops to get it. Make phone calls,... prove your need,... have someone "decide" if your depraved enough to need it and then in the end you usually don't get it anyway. So i have given up asking. I no longer ask ODSP,... OW,... or Ontario Housing for anything. It's just not worth the hoopla to get it and the indignity it causes having to "ask" for basic needs.

So I don't know what to do from here. I am MISERABLE. I just want to die. But surprisingly my body just doesn't want to stop breathing,... 

I am in severe turmoil,.... I can no longer rest,.....