Tuesday, November 21, 2023

Today is not good,... today is not good at all,...

I can no longer sleep without the tv on. The apartment is so quiet that I need the sound. I don't know if it's a comfort thing or what but when I turn the tv off eveything is so quiet. To the point it's unsettling. I rarely leave the unit now. Only to take out the garbage. So I am now sequestered away in here for nearly 24 hours a day. I find myself pacing the floor with anxiety a lot now. What I really need is to get out of here and exercise. Go for a long walk. But I can't right now as my pain level is too high. If I go outside the cold gets into my bones and that translates to severe pain. So I am pretty much stuck inside now for the remainder of the winter. But here we are November 21st and I am already going out of my mind with the boredom. Usually it's the new year before my cabin fever sets in but this year it has already arrived. 

Yesterday was bad. I pretty much cut off all ties with both Kirk and Hayley. I was just fed up of them only ever sending a one line text and then leaving me hanging. Thats not a friendship. I want people to come and visit,... have converstaions,... be IN my life,... but instead I am only a "one line text" friend. When you text them back,... they have already left the converstaion and moved on. Hmmmmm,... so I wasn't even a part of the conversation. When you live alone and basically speak to no one but your cat ~ you actually forget what your voice sounds like sometimes. I can go a whole week without even talking to another human being. So I guess what I am saying is I crave human interaction,... I crave people coming to visit,... I crave conversation,... I am suffocating with lonliness right now. So having someone just toss a one line text at you and then disappear and then they ignore your texts for the next few hours or even days is only FRUSTRATING! It's like they are saying I know you are there so I'm letting you know I remember but your not important enough to actually waste any time on. Just throw me a line once in awhile,... and then walk away leaving me hanging. So I told Kirk not to bother. There are other issues in this relationship anyway. Like he is an X and I can NEVER ever trust him as he is a liar and a cheat. not just once but all the time to the point where he juggles women. I have no desire to be in his harum. So I have let him know that we will only ever be friends. And in the back of his mind - he wants more. So I think in order to not lead him on I just ended the friendship. He wants a girlfriend. I never want to date or have sex with a man ever again. I do not miss men,... I do not miss sex. I only ever want friends. I don't care to ever be in a relationship ever again. I think encouraging our friendship to continue only leads him on to hope for more and there will NEVER EVER be more. I think it's kinder to just end it now so he can move on and find what he wants. Becasue he will never find it in me.

Hayley is much more complicated. I texted her exactly what I was thinking. I had just had enough of the one line text relationship. So I called her on it. But the problem has nothing to do with texts really. The problem lies in the core of our relationship. And in my eyes what I see is me desperate to have a daily relationship with her but she thinks a relationship means visiting once every few monts to placate me. I feel in her heart that her step-mom is her REAL Mom and I am just,... well I think herein lies the problem,... she doesn't know what I am to her as she already has a Mom so my role has already been filled by HER. (I can't even say her name I'm so angry she got to raise my girls and I didnt').

So,... I said things I cannot take back. So she has to sit with it and decide whether I'm worth it. But it will only come across as me selfish wanting her time. It's not the time I want,... it's a close realtionship. I want her to phone me,... visit me,... TALK to me,... but instead I get thrown a half hour here - an hour there - but no real conversation. last ime she invited me there for dinner I was so excited. I did bring some paperwork though as I really do need help in my housing and other issues but when I started to talk to her she hit the MUTE button on the remote and waited for me to finish what I was saying and then turned the volume back on and started watching tv again.We hadn't even started the program and I didn't even know what the show was about so it's not like it was at a crucial state in the story where we needed to pay attention. It was an out and out "I don't want to talk". She does this. She is nice to me. But she is not invested in me. I am a burden to her. She feels obligated to keep me placated by texting and acting like shes interested in my life but the truth is she has never even sat and listened to the the problems I have. I think she feels I want money or something she can't do to help,... so I almost think she is AFRAID to allow herself into my life. This is just a guess. Because I really don't know what the problem is. I just know that for her first 9 years of her life we were very, very close. When she returned into my life things were never the same. Infact we rarely saw each other. As you have read throughout this blog this 'estrangement" has left me hurt. 

What would I like to see? Therapy. I would like to sit down with her and fix whatever this problem is between us. She just will not allow herself to get close to me and leaves me on the fringes of her life. She will text and drop by every few months for a 20 minute visit but that seems to be the extent of her involvement. The problem is I want to have her in my life every single day. i want her to drop by for coffee,.... I want her to invite me to her curling or what ever it is they do,... I guess what I'm saying is I want to be INCLUDED in their life. I hear her boyfrined on the phone to his daughters every time I see him. (which has only been 4 times) so HE is involved with HIS kids,... but Hayley - maybe not even realizing what shes doing herself - keeps me at arms lengh of being IN her life. I get to watch it,... just not be a part of it,....

So yesterday I was severely depressed. I sat in the dark livingroom mindlessly watching tv. I can't even remember what I watched as shows all start running into each other after awhile when thats all you do is watch tv,... after a while they just become voices in the background so you can fool yourself into thinking your not alone and lonely. But yesterday, not even this was helping. I spent the whold day after "releasing" Hayley from her committment to me, feeling completely numb and depressed. I also spent the whole day thinking of ways to die. Infact yesterday and today that is all I can think about. HOW to finally find peace and relief from this torture they call life.

I have absolutely NO DESIRE to be alive right now. I have no desire to even try and carry on. For what? My situation will never get better and time has told me that it actually gets worse and worse with each passing year. 

I am a body that breaths and that is all. Now,... I have to find a way to stop the breathing,.....

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