I have deactivated my Facebook account. I have locked up both blogs. I no longer wish to be a part of this world. And so I shut my door and close my blinds and I am now alone ~ well I've always been alone ~ but now I am isolating and not even bothering to associate with "The Outside" as it will now be known. In my life there are two worlds. The outside world and mine. And from now on the two will never mix.

I have had enough.

I left this message for Hayley:

"I need my cat carrier and that key. Can you have C**** (her boyfriend) drive them over. Thank you. You're obviously too busy to get them here and i need them. You don't even have to talk to me. Just dump them off please. If C**** can't then leave them outside your house and I will wlk over and get them. Just text to let me know they are outside where ican get them. I need them now. I've waited weeks your obviously not coming over. Thats fine but i need my cat carrier. Then you never have to see me again. I obviously dont fit into your life and you have no time for me/ So i let you go.I am no longer your burdern or embarrassment You are free of me." 

She can make all the excuses in the world but in the end it was just too hard for her to get over here. Whatever,... I haven't lost her,... she was never mine to lose in the first place. She wasn't in my life at all and then showed up on my doorstep addicted to fentynal and needing a place to stay to get sober. i gave that to her. But once she was well she went on wirh her life and I wasn't a part of it. She can SAY all she wants to. But I needed lots of support over the past year and she hasn't benn here. She's been too busy. And as I said I never had her to begin with - she was never mentally here - so nothing on my side will change. Except for now i won't have any hope.HOPE is a dangerous thing and it will eat you up alive and disappoint you into despair,....

I have given up. I no longer communicate with the outside world. I just stay in this aprtment 24/7 watching mind-numbing tv. There are too many hours in a day and not enough to do to fill in those hours. My pain is horrible. It stops me from doing so much. Well,... it stops me doing everything. 

I have thought of nothing else but ending my life the past few days. I definitely am ready and can't wait to take my very last breath. But finding a way to do it is another story. I have so many ways but they all involve pain and trauma. I wanted to die peacefully and surrounded by loved ones. but instead i will end up jumping into the gorge or running out infront of a truck on the highway. A horrible,... scary,.... traumatic way to go. But I feel I just can't go on yet one more day.

Do you know how it feels to be the unwanted one? It's lonely. And it hurts your heart right down to your soul. 

My Mom didn't want me so gave me away,...

The Morgans were awesome but soon as I showed signs of mental illness they couldn't cope and I was forever an 'outsider' to them. An obligation tehy started and had to finish,...

My husband didn't want me and not only left me - but took my children. he took my soul reason for being on this planet. 

My children didn't want me. I am mentally ill and a burden and a nuisance. 

I am poor,....

I am in pain all the time,....

and no one likes me,....

and no one wants me,....

It;s the lonliest fucking existance that I can no longer bear,....

I'd like to say it's been a good life but I can't. I was thrown away by so many people that I can't even name them all. In the end I was "that person" The onle nobody wanted and walked away from.

I must be the most horrible mentally ill monster that ever lived.

And like my mother and my grandmother before her,... i will die alone. Unwanted and alone.

Now,... we just have to find a way to do it,...