It's game day. Last weekend was the international break so there weren't any games. But today all the leagues are back. I was up bright and early to be ready for the first (Manchester City v Liverpool) game at 7:15am. I was up already anyway. Sleep is just something I don't get a lot of these days and although I had went to bed and tried ~ sleep was not plentiful and I gave up around 5 and just got up to start the day. So here I am on a Saturday morning with coffee in hand watching my games,... It's the only time that everything is right in the world with me. I can't tell you how grateful I am that I have this passion for football. 

I have to try and get out today. Housing lent me a mailbox key to use until I can get a new one cut. I was hoping that I would be able to do that this afternoon. So far the weather is not too bad. Cold as it is the end of November - but dry - so I can get my walker around. Once I get that done I have a full set of keys and fob now. What a nuisance losing my keys has been,... and I am still very confused about how they went missing in the first place.

I am an island now. NO ONE left. I let Hayley know how I felt and I think she took it bad and I don't think I will be seeing her much in my life anymore. It's not what I want but the truth is I would rather just NOT have her in my life at all than to have her just promise things and never follow through. It't the "I'll be there tomorrow" and then never showing up that leaves me so frustrated. Just don't say your coming at all if you don't plan on showing up!!! I get excited each time she texts only to be disappointed when she doesn't show up. I'm tired of being let down so I basically told her to just do her own thing and I let her go,.... 

I also told Kirk to basically just leave me alone too. Our relationship has always been weird anyway. I never ever knew where I stood with him as he never comes out and tells you what he wants or feels. he is one of these people who just leave cryptic texts hinting but never comes out and tells me. I am a no-nonsense person. I speak my mind on most things. No beating around the bush with me. But he NEVER did. The whole time I have known him he is very secretive and manipoulative due to juggling all his women. I guess you have to be if you don't want people to find out. But this is now his natural character. To be secretive. I never know what he is feeling or what his plans are or what he wants,.... just texts hinting at stuff I'm not sure what he means. So I think he wants a relationship - but who knows with him?? Since I have no desire to ever be with a man ever again I don't think it's fair to let him think I MIGHT change my mind in time and want to be with him. 

But heres the thing,... I am different than everyone else aren't I? Kirk has a job (making GREAT money) he has a house and a car,... he lacks for nothing. He can go where he wants - when he wants - and pay for it with money he has - So him, and everyone else, just don't understand that they are all in "living" mode and I am in "survival" mode. I am not happy,... I am not well,... I am in pain 24/7 and live without a lot of what I need. So my mindset is completely different than everyone elses. I am completely alone everyday now so I dont even communcicate with people anymore. I have forgotten my social skills and I have no desire to care that I lack them now. I am miserable. So it's hard to 'pretend' your life is normal and fake small talk with others. I just don't have it in me anymore. Kirk thinks I am normal,... in mind,... and just doesn't get that I am depressed and despondant and living in despair. Dating and relationships and rhe absolute LAST thing on my mind. Besides if I am to be honest,... I don't love him that way,... and it would be a lie to allow him to think I do just to get out of my situation. i may be in dire straits but I will never USE someone to better my situation. It just isn't right. I couldnt do that to him as he has been a good friend and kind to me over the past few years. I am just very conscious of leading him on and never giving him what he wants. So i would rather just let him go and he can be with someong who does want him. (God knows he has women in every town around this area!!) But becasue I have made this decision it leaves me with one less friend. And now I am an island with absolutely no one. I spend every single day alone - by myself - with only my cat Maggie as company. 

I have been collecting boxes over the past few months. Every time I walk to Freshco I bring home a couple of boxes. Over the past two years I have slowly been emptying my apartment. Getting rid of all those things you don't need and are just taking up space. Now all I own are things I use on a regular basis. I lost a lot of it when my storage unit was broken into anyway. So it's already nearly empty. Now I am working on cupboards and closets. Getting rid of all but essentials. This way, when I do end my life, my girls won't be stuck going through all my stuff. I mean if it was too hard to get here to visit now ~ God only knows they shouldn't have to be burdened into cleaning out my apartment once I'm gone. No,... if I was so difficult to have in their lives while I was living,... then I'm not going to "burden" them by making them have to go through my things once I'm gone. It sounds like I'm angry and want them to hurt but I don't. I honestly just don't WANT them going through my things. If they didn't like me or want me in life ~ then nothing in my belongings is going to change their minds. I just don't want them to have to go through it. I was obviously a bad mother and I think I would rather they just forgot I ever existed and they can go to where they are happy. Their Dads,....

So I hope to have most of it cleaned out by the new year. It's not like I have much to begin with so it's really not that big of a job. I am so determined to NOT be here by next year that all I can think about is tying up the loose ends of my life and then waitng for the blessed relief of death to end my misery,...

Pretty fucking sad state of affairs isn't it?