Not a good day,...

I don't even know where to begin. But today I am at my end. The past week has just gotten worse and worses with each passing day. Nothing is improving yet other things are getting much worse. Yesterday I went to bed at 8:30 at night because I was so bored and had absolutely nothing to do but watch tv,... which I had already been doing all day. I couldn't bear to watch one more tv program. So I went to bed in the hopes that sleep would take me away from my mind. Give me a break of not having to think at all.

Today I woke up at 6 but couldn't bring myself to bother getting up. All I could do was think of all the empty hours I was going to have to fill when I had nothing to fill them with. So I just lay there - staring up at the ceiling - totally numb and empty inside. I have no joy or positivity in my life to even bother getting up anymore. So I lay there for hours and hours just rotting,... just laying there staring at the ceiling - rotting away. Finally around 9:00 I managed to drag myself out of bed and try and start this day. But I know from how I am feeling that it will be a miracle if I even make it through today.

My pain is unbearable. Everything aches. Every move I make creates pain somewhere. So I just give up and sit here and cry,... 

WHY AM I BEING FORCED TO STAY ALIVE IN THIS MISERY? 

So maybe I won't. Hayley seems to have no intention of ever coming by to visit. Shes not even bothering to send text message excuses anymore. Her promise to stop by was well over 2 or 3 weeks ago now and still NO HAYLEY. Theres busy,... and then theres I don't like my Mom and I hate visiting her so I won't. But I won't tell my Mom I don't like her and don't want to visit,.. I will just string her along. TELL her what she wants to hear and then NEVER follow through. Ok,... I get it Hayley,... You are TOO BUSY to be in my life. Whatever,... go and do your thing then,.. I release you,... I will never contact you again because all I feel like I am doing is harrassing and annoying you. So - I OFFICIALLY LET YOU GO TODAY. 

So as of today,... I have no children. Not ones that want me or wants to be in my life anyway. I am a mentally illl monster. NO ONE wants me. 

So today I have some decisions to make. I REFUSE to spend one more wasted day of NOTHING. Today SOMETHING has to change because I just don't have it in me to do this anymore. NO ONE LIKES ME!!! Not even my own children,... thats a pretty heavy pill to swallow. But I get it,... I am a horrible human being who doesn't deserve family and just needs to go away,.. stop being a burden and just go away,....

If I don't hear from Hayley today I give up. What the fuck is the point if you have no family or friends to share your life with and suffer such extreme lonliness. I have BEGGED my children to be in my life but they just simply don't want to be. I can't force them... they have their reasons,.. but I'm not going to endure the hurt and humiliation that brings to me anymore. It's devastating,...

The pain ends now.

NO ONE fucking cares anyway,... 

But this life of NOTHING,.... not going to do it anymore,.. who am I doing it for? NO ONE cares.

BTW,... my keys are still missing. I have torn this apartment apart. Drawer by drawer,... cupboard by cupboard,... they are NOT IN THIS APARTMENT. Which is beyond weird because if I had lost them outside I would have known instantly as I would not have been able to get back into my building! So I know I HAD to have had them to let me into my unit and THEN they disappeared. But like I said,... I put them in a bowl - never anywhere else - so how did they get up and walk away? I have thought about this a lot and there are only two explanations,... One is I have a ghost. and the other is,... they have been stolen. Which leaves me really,... really,... unsettled,.... This whole lost keys thing just doens't make any sense. There is no reason my keys should not be in the key bowl. END OF. I just don't have an explanation to why and where they have disappeared to. Its a HUGE mystery. And it has me rattled. Just another reason to just end it all,...

Are you going to help me? No,... no one can help me but my children. All I have EVER wanted was my children in my life. Like my friends do. Their kids are in and out of their homes and they call and text constantly and there is a real relationship there. Not with me,... I am a burden that my girls never did want. I stayed around hoping things would change but after all these years they haven't gotten better. They still avoid me and think of me as nothing but a mentally ill burden their lives are too busy for.

SoI have spent the past 20 fucking years alone hoping to get my children back but now I see that is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. 

It's time. It's fucking time,....