I have been up for most of the night. No longer do I have a day and a night. now I have a 24 hour period where I lie in bed all day watching tv. I doze on and off but I don't have any real sleep. I think my circadian rhythm is non-existent at this point. Is it daytime? Is it the middle of the night? who knows,... who cares,... I just sit in my pit and rot.

But today is Saturday. Game day. The only day of the week I look forward to. Because I can immerse my time in football. At least I know I have something to do today. 

But I am still feeling quite unsettled.

Yesterday I was woken up by the lobby phone. It was H***n the maintenance worker coming to give me good news. They have an automatic door opener in the building they are going to install on my door. As happy as I was to hear this I don't get why. For 3 years I fight them and now ~ completely out of the blue ~ suddenly I don't need a doctors note they will give me one without. I just don't understand Ontario Housing. You ask and ask and ask and you get nothing but no. Now out of the blue for no apparent reason I am suddenly "allowed" to have this automatic door opener. You see? They CAN go against their rules. They just didn't want to for 3 years. Whatever,.... apparently I am deserving of one now,....

But,... I won't be getting it. I don't plan on living here much longer.

When she phoned me from the lobby I was sound asleep. She asked if she could come up to talk so although I wasn't happy I said ok. Two minutes later I am standing in my unit half awake hearing this news that I have now been told I CAN get this door opener. 

But you have to understand that for me? It's too late,... I won't be here to enjoy it. It's 3 years too late. WHY couldn't they just have given it to me 3 years ago when I asked? Whatever,...

I asked Helen about the transer I requested. I had just put it in the complaint box because I am "BANNED" from talking to S***h who is the person I would need to talk to about a transfer. I wanted to know they had atleast seen it and knew I wanted out. I don't think at first they HAD taken it seriously. But I tried to tell H***n just how bad Darrren was harrassing me. True to Ontario Housing form she tried the ",... I don't want to hear about it,..." and ignored me. But I MADE her listen to how low and below the belt and vicious he had gotten. In the end,... she literally backed up out of my apartment and left. NO ONE wants to listen,...

But,... a bit later I found a package slipped under my door. It was an "Urgent Transfer Request" form. HAD she actually heard me while she was running away from the details that were too hard for her "happy shiny people" ears to hear? Because she literally ran away from hearing the details of what he was doing to me. THEY WERE TOO UPSETTING to her to listen to. STORY OF MY LIFE ~ "I don't want to get involved and I don't want to hear your hardship,..." they want to be left alone so they don't have to listen. They just want to work their 8 hours and then go home. Being subjected to our filthy dirty drama down here is above and beyond their job description. They just want to punch in - hear nothing - and then go home. Wish I had that choice,... but I don't,... I feel like the whole entire world wishes we would just shut up so they don't have to listen to the filth we subject them to,... throw us away,... and then ignore us,... we are just the low-life poverty ridden losers of society. You shouldn't have to hear our troubles in your job,... thats not your job description. 

So,... yesterday I was on the internet all day looking up all the apartment buildings   available to me. Not a lot of choice here. I started to see the problem right away. The ones that were good were out in the middle of nowhere. My biggest drawback is that I don't have a vehicle so I NEED to have a grocery store within a short walk of my home. But none of these buildings seem to be near any retail at all. That is not okay for me. I already struggle just to get groceries and right now Walmart and Freshco are just across the street. As close as they are, there are days I still can't get to them for the pain. So I need a building with stores for my basic needs close by. I CAN'T FIND ONE WITH THIS. So what do I do? That leaves old delapitated scummy buildings left. 

This is really starting to make me angry. Why should I be the one to have to leave? HE should be the one evicted and thrown out. He harrasses not only me but others on this floor with his raging and noise. HE is the obvious problem so why am I the one chased away to have to live in a shit-hole?

I don't even look at my phone anymore. Hayley sent yet another "cancellation" for her visit. I am so empty and numb I didn't even open it up to read why. I don't care anymore. I have just gotten to the point where I can't see another let down, so I have jsut turned off my phone. If I don't check it,... I can't be disappointed yet again,...

I am nothing but a BURDEN to my family. So you know what Hayley? You are free,...

From here on in I will no longer text or call or walk over,... I am done being dissed. If you want me in your life ~ YOU WILL MAKE THE TIME,... but so far,... time to give to me just isn't available to you. I know your busy,... but I also know that when I WANT to be with someone,... I MAKE the time no matter how busy I am. I don't feel warm and fuzzy around you anymore. I feel like an obligation. So as of today,... I let you go,... and you can have all the free time you want to do all the other things you would prefer to do. 

YOU ARE FREE

So,... I turned off my phone because the only people that ever text or call are people looking for money. NO ONE calls or texts because they want to. Oh wait,... sorry,... my friend Becky does,... but she is the only one. (thats not me being sarcastic,... Becky really does care,...) And this just proves to me that if Becky ~ who is so busy she barely has time to breath ~ still finds time to check up on me ~ then Hayley can too. Hayley just chooses to do other things of higher priority to her. What hurts me most of all is the fact that I have told her I am ending my life within the year and STILL she has no interest in being with me. Even knowing I am only going to be alive for probobly one more year she has no interest. 

My heart is broken

So now I sit here knowing my choices. I either move to a shithole that I will not be happy in or I stay here and live amoung Darren and his hate campaign. 

I choose to do neither,.....

If this world thinks I'm so fucking hard to be with,... then I will do them all a favour and leave them all alone.

Alone,... alone,... alone,.... story of my fucking life,....

I am getting very discouraged and really do feel like it would just be easier to end it all.