The closer "the date" gets,... the better I feel

 Only a few weeks away now,....

But I have yet another problem - even in death noone wants me. I have been calling around to find out how to get cremated once I am gone. But it is looking like I need someone to pick up my ashes or I can't get it done.

Again,... being alone is going to cost me.

I don't want my family to know when I die. They don't deserve to.

So I am making my own plans and paying for them upfront. God forbid my children end up having to "pay" for my burial. We'd never hear the end of it. No,... I dont' plan on involving any of my family. I am not having them judge me in death too. They had their chance to be in my life ~ but they decided I was a monster and couldn't be liked. So they don't get to play the martyre in my death too. I have written a suicide note with my last wishes and one of those wishes is my family do not get ANY SAY in my death. I don't even want them to KNOW that I have died.

I am isolated and alone making me feel like the most unwanted person in the world. They dont' get to make themselves feel better once I'm gone. They hurt me - they get to live with that.

I had no idea how expensive it is to die. So it looks like most of my  money will be spent taking care of my death anyway. So noone will get my money as there wasn't enough after expenses to give anyone anything.

But what will happen to me once I am gone? I emailed my grandfathers cemetary to see if I could be buried there. But there is just too much red tape to go through. I would have to get deeds and other legal stuff and I can't get that. So I can't get buried with the one and only real family I have. My grandfather Victor Holyoak.

So now what happens to me? I can't help feeling like GARBAGE. Noone ever wants to take the garbage out,.... and in my case there isn't anyone to take the garbage out. I have to take my own garbage out and pay for it myself.

So that is todays goal. Get my cremation and burial bought and paid for so noone can turn around and say they got "stuck" paying for my death. Fuck you girls,... I will not allow you to even pretend you care. becasue your actions showed me you dont' and you never did and you never will,.... you actually hated me. And I felt it every text and phone call you wouldn't take. So fuck you girls,... you can live with the fact you broke my fucking heart and I couldn't live with being the hated monster you guys made me. You won't even know I am dead,... you don't deserve to.

So i guess my settlement money will come in handy afterall,...

I can now afford to take the garbage out when i die,...

and we only have a few weeks left on the countdown so i better get these plans made today.

There is no place for me on this planet. EVERYONE knew I was struggling but everyone turned their heads,....

fuck you all,....

Noone is even going to know where I am buried,..

I was born unwanted and lived unwanted and you all let me know just how much you thought I was a monster. You dont get to feel bad once I'm gone.... YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD AND I COULDN'T BEAR IT ANYMORE.

Noone can seem to help find me a place to live,....

noone wants me,...

so I am not spending one more holiday alone.

The date is set,... everything ready to go,...

unless one person picks up that phone and calls me or knocks on my door to show me I am worthwhile,...

then in less than 3 weeks I will be dead.

And nothing will stop me now as the silence has been deafening,...

I am the most unwanted worhtless piece of shit on this planet and my family is the one who has made me feel this way.

So fuck you all,... I DID try,... but I got thrown away once again,...

roll on December **th 2026. My last fucking date on this planet.

And it can't come quick enough,...

P,S. I got my OFFICIAL letter from the governement saying I dont get their fucking benefit. nice,..... just another reason why,....

I won't need your fucking benefit where I'm going anyway,.....

I can't live here one more year,... it's killing me

 I have been hibernating inside my unit now for months. But I do go out a couple of times a day to take my garbage to the garbage room as well as get the mail from the lobby. I also do laps in the halls of the building. Because I don't get out to exercise anymore, I do laps. There are actually several of us women who wallk the halls. Seniors mostly. I start on the top floor and work my way down and then repeat when I am done. I try and do all 4 floors three times morning noon and evening. It's not only exercise, but it also gets me outside of my unit away from the cabin fever I have been dealing with.

But heres the thing. Most of the people in this building are compromised in some way. Not all of them but a lot of them. Myself included. I am on disability for fibromyalgia and mental illness. So I am probobly more patient than most in dealing with folk on the fringes of society. Because I AM ONE OF THEM. I understand the isolation,... the boredom,... the hurt of noone visiting,... I get their lives so I try to be more patient than normal.

But just yesterday I had yet another run-in with another tenant. This one I had never even met before. We have contractors working in our building this week. They are switching out all the key locks and replacing them all with fob locks. (Why? Just a waste of money I think but whatever). I was doing my afternoon laps when I walked onto the second floor from the stairwell. Suddenly this old lady on a scooter came tearing out of her unit. (Think "Waking Ned Devine" Irish comedy movie,... THAT old lady). Anyway she shouts at me,... "Hey, where did you just come from?" She sounded so angry I didn't even realize she was shouting at me. I looked around and when i saw noone else I stopped. "Who are you?" she shouted. Now I could have been an asshole and told her to mind her own business but I didn't,... I think I was actually curious. I explained I lived here. She argued with me that I don't,.... at this point I was just getting annoyed and started to walk away but she ran after  me (or scootered after me). She then proceeded to tell me that she had to be careful as the workmen in the building weren't really workmen. They were a big gang of thieves and they had got this job so they case out all the apartments in this building and then come back and rob us. Oh man,... here we go,... another looney. I tried walking away again but she just kept coming after me. I eventually took the stairs to the third floor where she couldn't follow me. As I was walking away she shouted I don't live here and she is making a complaint to housing. So I shouted back "go ahead, shall i pick up a tenant complaint form for you and bring it to you? I will even fill in my name and apartment number for you,..." that shut her up and she finally left. 

But this is what I mean by living in a place you don't feel safe. I realize that old lady was harmless,... just annoying. Imagine having to prove you live somewhere when it's none of her business!  But others aren't as harmless. It's just the constant being on the alert wherever you go as you just never know whats around the corner. Mark? Darren? Tonya? Someone else having a bad day? When I do laps I walk infront of all the units doors. I can hear and smell things behind each door. I know the people who never clean (you can actually smell their dirty apartments) I know the alcoholics and ragers who are constantly shouting in their units. It's sad that this is normal to me now. But it has left me with severely high anxiety. I am basically a nervous wreck that jumps out of my skin at every noise I hear. It's like being in prison. You can never let your guard down.

I talk about ending my life all the time on here. But so far,... not one family member or friend has picked up the phone to see why or how I am doing. And THAT is the real reason I want to die. Noone is worried about me,... noone thinks about me,... I don't exist in their lives anymore. 

So can you imagine living in poverty,... pain,... and on top of that you have absolutely NOONE to talk to. You have to deal with every problem alone. It's a very heavy burden. 

I think I am already dying though. For the past few months I have been feeling like something is going on with my heart/lungs. My breathing has become more laboured. I am having heart palpatations. I feel weak overall most days now. I can actually FEEL my body breaking down. I don't know what the specific diagnosis is but I do know my body and there is something terribly wrong. It has to do with my heart and my breathing. I should go to the doctor, right? But I have no doctor. But I am so fed up of not having one I have given up on my health care altogether. So I decided a few months back that I was stopping all medication and not going to get help anymore. No more calls to 911 when my blood presure rises over 200. This time i will let it rise. And HOPEFULLY it will just end up killing me. I know worse things could happen instead like a stroke. But I don't care. I'm so tired and so fed up that t I just don't care.

I'm tired of struggling and just want my life to end now. 

There is NOTHING positive in my life except these two kittens. EVERYTHING else is negative. Attacking me,... taking away benefits,... trolls,... gossips,... revengers,... but nothing good. And I just don't see the point in suffering anymore. I spent all last week looking for a doctor to get a physical. But nothing,... I shouldn't have to work this hard for health care.

And at 62 I am tired.

So roll on heart attack,... and if it hasn't happened by that date I will just have to 'hurry it along,..." becasue I refuse to live like this any longer. It's not just a struggle ~ it's actually CRUEL.

Time to die,... no future as I live in a closed up box

I am now so isolated I don't speak with another human being for weeks. I can see now why they use isolation as punishment in prisons. It fucks with your head.

I left social media. I no longer post and rarely open any of my profiles. But it's not by my choice. All i have is the blog, Facebook and Instagram but the last one I rarely use. Now,... I have nothing.

I am already isolated and alone sequestered in this apartment by myself. Now,... my windows have been taken away. I could just about bear the isolation because I at least had the internet. But now, this hidden troll has taken that away from me too.

I don't know who this troll is. All we know is the device they use which is apparently not their everyday device as it has no name conected to it. They think there are multiple people working together on Facebook as they seem to be coming from multiple profiles. You can only 'report' me once a day. Yet I am getting multiple "are you ok?" pop-ups so I am told this can only be done by multiple people. So it is someone and all her little minions,.... 

absolutely nothing I can do about it,....

So i closed up all social media. I no longer have my windows to the outside world anymore. Now,... I sit in a box day after day bored out of my mind doing nothing but watching tv.

I can't fucking stand it anymore

I don't go out,.... I don't talk to anyone,... I am an island. Noone phones me,... noone comes by,... noone knows I even exist anymore,... I have been thrown away and forgotten about as all the loved ones (and I use loved ones loosely) have all dubbed me too difficult to deal with and thrown me away. By the way,... you have to be IN My life for me to ruin it,... but you guys wouldn't even let me in,....

whatever,....

So I made plans. Big plans. final plans. finally get to feel peace plans,...

the only person to care I breath is a troll,.... noone else lifts up that phone to call,... no one knocks on my door just to say hello,... I am alone. Every fucking minute of every fucking day I am alone.

Roll on November so i can die,....

It's all planned and unless someone shows me they care,... 

I will be gone by Christmas,...

Between family who thinks I'm a monster and a troll who thinks it's fun to harass,... I just can't take it anymore,...

and why the fuck should I?????

Roll on November **** 2025,.....

My fucking last day on this cruel planet.

Hey troll,... are you satisfied??? You drove me to suicide,.... is that what you wanted? Now who are you going to harass?

I won't care as I will be dust thrown into the wind by then,...

But know this troll. What you are doing is not right and cruel and HAS caused me to commit suicide. Sleep well tonight troll,.... your a murderer,.....

I close this blog back up to subscribers only 

Only they will know the day I finally die

fuck you troll - now you have NO ACCESS to me.

 I got 14 "are you ok" pop ups today. What the fuck do you want troll???? Just curious now as to why? You have prevented me from using all my social media and what did YOU accomplish by that? Do you feel big and important behind your anonymity??? Is your life so bad that this is your entertainment??? I thought my life was bad,... but I sit and watch tv all day long,... boring yet YOU are so intrigued you have to troll all my social media and ruin it for me. But thats ok,... as I have now given up social media. NOW how will you troll me??? Kinda back-fired didn't it?? Now you have no access to me,... bye bye and have a nice life troll.

BTW,... are you going to follow me into my grave too,...???? Better get ready

ODSP You win I'm dead now

I give up dealing with ODSP (Ontario Disability). They have done nothing but trigger me into becoming suicidal. You have ODSP,... they take it away,... they give it back,... they take it away,... they give it back but now you have to pay them back,.... and then take it away,....

Make up your minds ODSP - Do you want me to have it or not?????

Becasue of my settlement money they are trying to take it away - again. I had to send them a letter from my lawyer detailing what the settlemnet was for so that ODSP's legal team could go through it and decide if I should continue to get ODSP or not,... (They think they are GOD and actually they are as they have the last say). I had the letter,... my lawyer was TRYING to get it to them but they gave the wrong phone number to my lawyer and that number did not work so now both of us could not get through to ODSP. You can leave a message after sitting on hold for 20 minutes but then it goes directly to voice mail. NOONE ACTUALLY ANSWERS THAT PHONE. So I was having a hell of a time getting through.

Then i get a NASTY letter saying they have stopped my payments.

THEN when I tell Ontario Housing I can't pay rent anymore as I am o longer receiving ODSP,.... Housing calls ODSP and ODSP says (get this) I didnt cut her off,.... (WTF?) YES she did and I have it here in a letter in black and white. Cut off since October 16th 2025. Now she is telling other organizations that I wasn't cut off and I AM being paid making me look like a lying fool. This is terrible customer service. That woman out and out LIED to housing she wouldnt' look like a mean girl who cut me off for hurt feelings. So now ODSP is aying I am on ODSP but only until they receive the letter from my lawyer about my settlemnet. THEN they will cut me off - again.

On ODSP,... off ODSP,... On ODSP,... OFF ODSP,.... I cna't live like this. With the threat of your income hanging over your head as a threat. Be nice to V********* R** at ODSP or you will lose it,... and I lost it. Until I tole Ontario Housing and then she got embarrassed(???) and changed it.

THIS IS NOT A WAY TO LIVE. People bored in their jobs deciding your fate. And if you have rubbed them the wrong way somehow??? Good luck,... you will always be fighting for that beneifit now as they will threaten you with taking it away all the time.

I refuse to live as their BITCH. Making decisions on how they feel that day,... it's not fair and it's not right and I am being fucked around becasue of it.

So ODSP??? You can keep your fucking money,....

But when they find me dead THIS will be the number one reason on my suicide note so you better have a grood explanation why you played GOD with my life,.....

I'll be dead,... it wont be my problem anymore,... but I hope you have a reason why you have madae my life so fucking hard on ODSP.

FUCK YOU ALL,...I"m tired of fighting with the system

YOPU FUCKING WIN and I'll be gone now,...

no more Jacquie,... cuz noone wanted her anyway. Even ODSP thought she was a useless piece of shit to play GOD with,....

You know,... I actually think this is their goal. To get everyone on ODSP so upset they go through MAIDS,.... I honestly think thats what they want,....

well you own,... now I just want to die

I am so tired of people saying 

"You matter"

No we don't

If we mattered,....

then where the fuck is everybody

Why do I sit here alone 

every fucking day then????

You don't care,...

you just want to sound like you care

But if we really mattered

I wouldn't 

be alone

************************

No place on this planet for me

I don't think there ever was,....

This world was never going to be kind

 I'm just planning to die now. I feel like I gave life everything I had to escape this toxicity but not only did I not get ahead but I got sucker punched in the face again.

I am not mad anymore. Infact I have hit that dangerous place where I no longer feel. I am numb,...

I wrote my will and now it's time

this world was never going to give me a break

Last fucking straw

 and this is why I lean towards DYING!!!!!!

I just went down to get the mail and received a nasty letter from ODSP (Ontario Disability). They have cut me off. NO MORE ODSP

But it has nothing to do with my settlement. You know the biggest joke??? They say I didn't get back to them,....

WTF???? I have been trying to get them to call me back but they wont. This organziation is immpossible to reach. You get put on hold only to go into a voicemail. But you never get a person. You have heard me complain on here how they won't call me back,...

NOW THEY ARE PUNISHING ME 

Fuck this world,...

I can't fight UNFAIRNESS like this,...

Keep your fucking money ODSP,...

I am not going to need it at the bottom of the gorge,...

last fucking straw,.....

I just want to live but society won't let me

Life is a struggle right now. I seem to be walking a tightrope of wanting to live and thrive on one side but fed up and physically drained and can't do it anymore on the other. And it depends on what is going on that day on how I end up feeling. 

I WANT to live. Infact,... I not only want to live, I want to thrive. But I can't do it here in this building. This place is toxic to me and has me hiding in my unit scared to come out. That's not living ~ thats hiding.

I want a tiny granny flat or tiny home to live in. Far away from the hustle and bustle of city life. I am not a city girl and I am not happy living in this town. I want water,... my element is water and I can't live without it. I need to be around it. It restores my soul when I sit and hear the waves lapping on the shore. I want to move up north to a small town. I want to buy a plot of land and put a tiny home or an RV on it and just live,... I do nothing all day already so if theres nothing to do at this new place,... then I'm not missing out on anything am I?

But WHERE? Noone will rent to me so I have to buy. But I have so little to spend. I need to move WAY up north. But I am not making the mistake of moving somewhere sight unseen like I did in BC. Look what that got me,... a rat and mouse infested RV that wasn't even winterized,.... so this time I have to SEE where I am moving. But without a car,... how do I do that? 

Not having a car is what is preventing me from doing everything i want to do. It would seem that in todays society, without a car you get nothing. I can't afford a car. I could afford to buy one,... but I couldnt' afford the insurance and the upkeep. That is what made  me lose my car I already had. I just couldn't afford to keep it. So there will be no car in my future.

But I do not have the personality that is ok staying home everyday and watching tv. Infact,... this lifestyle is KILLING me. I need to be outside doing stuff. I need to be hiking,... and just getting out and enjoying nature.

I want so badly to rent a cottage up in the muskokas for a couple of weeks. I have the money,... but I dont have a car. The Muskokas is a forest. There are no trains or buses or taxis. You are miles into the forest,... if you dont have a car or a boat you can't get there. So yet another thing I love to do is unavailable to ME.

And this is why I get so discouraged. I just try and try and try to do things but I get kept back as I don't have a car. i would vacation all summer if i had a car. I would pack up and move into a cottage for the summer if I could. How awesome would it be to get away from this toxic gossip and bullying,... I DREAM of this,...

but with no car,... it can't be done.

I am so fed up and frustrated of being told no. Of not being able to do what others seem to be able to do,...

I just want a life people,... I don't want to die. I just want to not get up in the morning and feel dejected as I know I have nothing but 16 ot 18 hours of watching mindless tv. It is severely effecting my mental health and I can't do it anymore.

So I sit here knowing there is a life out there,... but for some reason it's not available to the poor,... to me,....

I am expected to sit on the sidelines and watch,... well I'm tired of watching the rest of the world life while I sit here and rot.

WHAT DO I DO??? I have the money!!!! I have the fucking money!!!! Yet still,... I am invisable and can't do what others do,...

How do you think that makes me feel year after year after year,...

Like a worthless piece of shit.

So I sit here trying to escape. I am on the internet every day looking at ways to get the hell out of this building and into a place where I can actually live and breath and be me. Not the person that Tonya and Darren Green have told eveyone I am and has made me a hated bitch even though noone even KNOWS me. They just listen to the gossip and believe. It has RUINED my life and I refuse to stay here any longer. But if I can't excape,... what do I do? I think we all know that that answer is and that is why I straddle the tightrope of living and dying,... because this world won't allow me to LIVE! I have been trying and fighting but losing for years,... 

So what do I do? I dont want to die!!!! I really dont want to die.

But I can't live like this anymore. It's killing me and I feel like I am already dead inside. Alone in pain in pvoerty and I just can't do it anymore. So what is the answer????

I have your fucking money society,... you just look at me like a poor wothless person becasue I am on ODSP and disabled.

So what the fuck so I do? Well,... I have chosen a date and if nothing chnages by that date ~ I give up and end my life.

I think I am worth more than being thrown away and let to rot while your family calls you too mentally ill to love,....

time is ticking,... will I escape or will I be dead by the new year?

Only society can help me ~ but they won't.

So why am i sticking around to live in this horrible miserable world?

Maybe it is just time to give in and get it done. I have been fighting suicide for years now but today,... after trying so HARD to escape,... I can see I never will.

I hate this world and I hate people for throwing me away and thinking thats ok,...

This is the worst day i have had yet. I cannot settle. I am pacing,... doing laps in the halls,... but nothing can settle me down. I think i am spirralling. I am overwhelmed with life right now but can't find solutions,...

I am NOT COPING,....

I am not doing well,....

I dont' think this day is going to end well,....

tying up loose ends

I made some decisions today. I have consciously let my family go. I am "consciously uncoupling" my family. I have tried and tried and tried to re-connect over the past few years but each time I just get hurt. Literally told i am not good enough for them and I just hurt them. (????) I think in order for me to survive I have to let them go and move on. 

I literally have to pretend I don't have children.

From here on in I am a single unattached female with NO dependents. I have NEVER had children.

Michelle and Hayley: I want nothing more than to be in your lives. But if you wont' let me I have to do what I have to do to survive this abandonement. I have to let you both go forever,.... Never had,... can't miss if you never had.

And this now makes it a tiny bit easier to move on. If I'm not sitting here pining for my children,... I can move on.

And I have to admit ~ I dont even know what I've done wrong. :(

So,... I emailed Parklawn cemetery in Toronto today. I know my Grand father, Victor Holyoak is buried there. he was suppose to be buried with his wife Ida. But I know from my ancestry research that she died and ended up being buried in a pauper's grave. I looked and looked and looked but never did find where she was laid to rest. But it was NOT with my grandfather. So,... there is an empty plot beside my grandfather at the Parklawn cemetery in toronto. I emailed them today to see if it is indeed still empty and if it is, I would like to be laid to rest there. With the only family I have. 

My kids don't want me. 

The Morgans don't want me and boy did they make that clear,...

Noone fucking wants me so I have to make my final resting plans. Now i wait to hear back. 

There is no worse feeling in this world than being unwanted. Even in death I have no place to go where i am wanted,... just where there is a spare place,... I'll bet if they could ask,... even my grandfather would say he didn't want me either. But since he can't talk,... he can't say no.

There is no place for me alive or dead on this planet. So I have to MAKE a place for me in death. 

What a sorry worhtless piece of shit I seem to be,.... 

My first vacation in 25 years!

Yesterday was brutal and all I can say is I'm glad that it's overwith. Birthdays and holidays always do me in. But this morning I woke up and told myself I have to start fresh. Forget my daughters,... they are gone and never coming back. So I have to face this. Draw a line under it and MOVE ON. it's not what I want but if i am to survive I have to put my family behind me. I will always keep the door open for my girls to knock on,... but I am not waiting and pining and hurting anymore. 

So with that, I got back on the internet and I started researching a vacation more seriously. And I think I CAN do it even without a car. I have been all across Canada from Quebec all the way to BC. But I have NOT done the east coast which is why I have settled on there. I am open to any province really but this is the one people have been recommending the most. So I looked into it. And there are package deals I can do. If I can get to Toronto airport and I know I can,... then I can fly to St. Johns Newfoundland. Once there it sounds like there are things close enough to walk to or take a taxi. I put up a post on Facebook in a Newfoundland group and the response was overwhelming. The locals all wanted to help. It was amazing. So much hospitality and I'm not even there yet. So I put a post on my timeline asking if anyone is interested in coming with me. But if now,... I am happy to go on my own.

I need this. My life is so stale and empty and miserable. I got this money but have found out it can't actually help get me out of Ontario Housing which devastated me as that is the only thing I want right now. But,... instead of giving up, I decided to use the money for trips instead. I may be trapped in this prison everyday but theres no reason why I can't get away for a great vacation each year now. My nana always said "a change is as good as a rest" and she is right. I think a vacation away from here once a year can really change my outlook. I would also love to rent a cottage for a week each summer but this is proving much more challenging as without a car how would I get to Muskoka area. It's the forest so it's not ;ole they have taxis and buses,.. I would need a ride right to the cottage front door and so far I can't see a way of doing this. I'' keep trying but I dont hold out much hope.

Without a car almost all of my plans can't happen. But maybe newfoundland can,...

I would plan it for next summer. Give me something to look forward to. But I worry about my health as I have not been well at all lately,... and I worry that something will go wrong. In my life nothing seems to go smoothly and I have faced many times where I make plans and then get told I DON'T QUALIFY and can't go. There always seems to be a hidden problem that prevents me from doing stuff. So I wouldn't even get excited until I knew for sure it is really going to happen.

I couldn't bear one more disappointment.

I hate this life. I have this money and all I want is out of Ontario Housing. But noone will rent to me,....

What good is this money if it wont' help me escape this prison?????

Why do others seem to get what they want and need without issues while I always seem to run into problems and never get,... WHY?????

So i am almost afraid to hope that a vacation could actually happen. Fingers crossed,... as I really, really need this.

I just want to die now

I am so discouraged,.... I have been on this laptop researching vacations for weeks now. But what I am finding out is,... without a car I am not going on vacation anywhere,..

One more thing not available to me,....

I have the money,... but with no transportation the world is CLOSED

Fuck my life,.... time to die

I was so excited to plan a dream vacation only to see it's never going to happen either,....

NOTHING is available to me in this life - NOTHING

SO why the fuck am I here??????

I'm not allowed to move,... I'm not allowed to have family,... I'm not allowed to have a car or drive or have a life,.... not even go on vacation??????

my whole fucking life is NO,... NO,.... NO,....

others are allowed, and get,.... but not you,.....

If I can't even get away from here for a vaction? There is no hope at all for me anymore,.... It's time to give in and die,...

I refuse to sit here in Gods waiting room until my heart stops,..... bored alone and in pain,...

But If it won't stop on it's own,... then I'll help it stop,....

Cuz I'm done being bored, alone and in pain,....

I just want to die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday from a bad Mom

October 19th ~ my youngest childs birthday. 31 years ago today I gave birth to Hayley Nicole. We lived in St. Thomas (Ontario) at the time. Because I was considered a "high risk" pregnancy, I had been in the hospital on bed rest for 5 weeks. Which was horribly boring as I felt fine. But thats what they wanted me to do as a precaution ~ and I did. Happily. I would have done Anything I was told to ensure she had the safest, healthiest birth and start in life. So I lay in bed for five weeks,... (but I'm a bad mother)

I stayed home with my girls. I felt it was important for them to have a mother in the home rather than working. It was a sacrifice for me. I didn't realize just how much of a sacrifice it was until my ex left me and I had no job to support myself. I had to go back to school to get my medical admin/assis/phlebotomy so I could support myself. So I SACRIFICED working for them. But it was NOT appreciated. Instead,... I am a bad Mom.

With it being her birthday, I can't help but remember all the elaborate birthday parties I planned for them. It took me weeks to buy everything and then decorate,... I enjoyed it. And I thought they did to,... but,.... instead,... I'm a bad Mom,...

I sat down and made baby books. Detailed baby books. Precious memories,... but where are they? They were thrown in my ex's basement in a box - hidden. Why would he let my daughters see them? It would make me look,... human,... like maybe a good Mom,... but no,... I made them for Michelle to enjoy when she had HER baby. But instead Jeff never even told her about them and she never got to enjoy them. Instead,... I am a bad Mom.

The weather here is a typical October fall day. Grey, overcast,... cool. I can feel the heaviness around me. Oppresive. The memories of my daughters I can't stop today. All the things I did as their mother. The grandmother tea party,... taking them to the science centre,... I mean I did stuff with these girls. I actually let them paint on our kitchen wall as we hadn't decorated that room yet. What mother allows kids to paint on their wall?

I know other people saw I was an EXCELLENT Mom. But now it is all forgotten. Somehow i am now a monster. A mentally ill monster who doesn't deserve to wish her daughter a Happy Birthday. I am too fucked up to even meet my grand daughter and be in her life. 

I was a great  MOM and I know others saw it,.... 

But they would rather be with their father. The man who put his hands around Michelles throat and squeezed. Bit noone wants to talk about THAT do they? He strangled me too years ago,... but nope,... HE is the good person. I am the mentally ill monster,...

I haven't been in a family in years. Knowing my daughter is celebrating with MY family HURTS LIKE HELL. To know that I wasn't even thought of let alone asked to come. To know ,... to really know and FEEL that you are unwanted,... unloved and not worth their time. THAT is a hurt that can never be repaired. That is a hurt that sits so deep in your soul you hate yourself.

I loved my girls more than life itself. I thought I gave them eveything they needed. I never hit them.... ask them. I never even raised my voice to them - ever. But I'm a bad Mom.

And I have to not only face this,... but feel it. Sit here and feel how much you are missing. Why? Because your a mentally ill monster that noone can love.

I would give my life for my girls,... but I'll probobly never see them ever again,... and thats a hurt I can't live with. I've tried but it's too painful and i just can't do it anymore. 

Being hated is a horrible HEAVY burden and I just can't carry it anymore,...

Happy Bithday hayley,.... I was a GOOD Mom to you. But soehow your camp has decided I'm not and all of you have banded together to make sure I know it. Well I know it,... and it's too painful to bear,...

I love you girls. And I have tried to live without you. But life is meaningless and empty and lonely,... and i just can't do it anymore.

I wish things had ended differently but I guess theres just no loving a monster

 Day 4 of no hot water and mopping,... and mopping and more mopping,.... The drip turned into a leak which turned into a flood and Housing was no help. They just left me to it. I haven't slept as I can't. The bucket fills up every hour or so and I have to empty it or it overflows all over the floor. I have been awake and with no shower in 4 days I feel gross. But as I type this the plumber is here and has been for over an hour and he is doing everything he can to fix this. He is saying that by one o'clock I whould be able to have a shower. I won't believe it until I see it. But I do cross my fingers as it has been a horrible 3 days of nothing but flooding.

I made a decision about my vacation. I want to go to the east coast of Canada. Newfoundland specifically. I have been researching for a few weeks now. But as a half/disabled senior travelling on my own without a car I am faced with some challenges. I will need to bring and use my walker. I don't use it everyday anymore but I do need it on some days. This will limit me from some excursions. I also don't have a drivers licence anymore so i can't hire a car. I will have to make sure I find a hotel right in the heart of the tourist area where I can walk everywhere. Walking doesn't seem to be the problem for me. Standing is the problem. The pain gets too much and I need to sit down. 

So I have been reaching out to local travel agents right in St. John's asking them to contact me about this 'dream' vacation I would like to take. I have not been on vacation since the year 2000. Which means it's been 25 years!!!! I desperately want to get away from here. I really do need the break. And now I have the money. I can plan the perfect dream vacation now. I'd like to go for about 10 days. I want to see everything i can. I am so sick of sitting infront of a tv day after day after day,... I need to DO something. Get out there and live. It's a shame I am not in good standings with my daughters as i would have loved to have treated them to come with me. Michelle,... Hayley and my grandaughter,... but,... I am too mentally ill for them to want in their life so no vacation for them,.... but how fun would that have been???????? Sad,... I can't even treat my girls to a vacation,.....

I reached out to my friend Mary who lives in newfoundland and asked if she would like to meet me in St. Johns for a day or two as she lives in that province. But I really dont' know where she is in relation to St. Johns so I don't even know if it's feasable for her. I hope so,... I haven't seen her in over 40 years. I know her from all my vacations with my family in Winnipeg. 

So now,... I have something to look forward to. A vacation. My Nana used to say that "change is as good as a rest" and she is right. It just refreshes the mind and re-sets your soul. It fills up your cup so you have life experiences to draw on now. Right now my cup is bone dry. 

To any readers out there,... If you live in Newfoundland and have any advice for me i would love to hear from you. I'm looking for a down-home experience and only locals would know how to do that.

I'm trying folks,... it's really hard when you feel invisable but I am still trying,...

Now I just need a babysitter for M & M. while I am gone.

NO HOT WATER and I feel gross

 Well it's been a night of mops and buckets. My water heater has broken and is spewing water out into my utility room. I had to call housing at 2:00 this morning. It's a mess. I have all my stuff from that room scattered all over my apartment,... the litter boxes sitting out,... it's a huge mess. 

But the worst part is, I haven't had a shower in 3 days. And it doesn't look like I'm getting hot water now until at least tomorrow and maybe Monday. I have OCD. I shower every single day. I feel gross and disgusting if I dont'. And that is exactly how I feel right now. GROSS. I am desperate for a shower.

Yesterday I tried a "whore bath" filling the tub up with an inch of cold water but when i went to turn on the tub tap? No water at all came out. So I had to boil pots of water and then carry cold and hot water into the bathroom to fill up the tub about one inch so i could at least bathe. This morning I woke up to another flood - more mopping - and now I'm just mad that I am sitting here needing a shower but can't have one. I am actually thinking about getting  hotel room for the day/night just so I can shower.

Isn't it illegal to leave people without a way to bathe??? I had to boil the kettle just to wash my face and the dishes. Don't they have to supply you with access to showers or a place to clean up??? I don't know,... it just sounds like noone cares that I am sitting here - miserable - DESPERATELY needing a shower!! And I don't even know when I WILL finally be able to have one.

I got no sleep last night because of all the commotion. 

Living in Ontario Housing sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to get out of this hell hole,.... but there just doens't seem to be a place on this planet for me,... I am invisable and alone and unwanted,....

All because I am mentally ill,....

For those of you that actually believe there is no stigma to being mentally ill?? Let me tell you that I have had nothing BUT discrimintaion and stigma towards my mental illness. 

NOONE wants to deal with the sick,... so throw them away and let them rot and fend for themselves,...

All I want is a fucking shower but I cna't even have that

I hate my life,... I hate this building and I hate the bullies in it that have caused me to hide and isolate.

And you don't thrive,... you suffer. Becasue everywhere you turn it't no,... no,... no,... 

I can't help thinkking it would be so much easier just ot jump into the gorge and get it over with,... you won't need a shower to go to heaven,... but they will probobly hate me up there too,...

I 

am  

struggling

flood last night

Well last night wasn't good. I went to scoop the litter boxes around 10 last night as I always do so they are clean when I go to bed. But when i went into the utility room where the boxes are kept it was wet. Water had leaked everywhere. It was a mess. I had 4 boxes of new litter sitting on the floor - all now soaked and ruined. I had to drag everything out and call for an emergency plumber. He came by 11 and said something was clogged so he unclogged it and it should be fine now. I left the room empty only becasue it was late and I just wanted to go to bed. This morning I woke up to a wet floor. Good thing I left the room empty. I have put in an emergency call to Housing but who knows when they will finally get here to fix it. Until then I have 3 litter boxes sitting in my livingroom. Nasty,... at least they are scooped.

(udate: plumber just left,... water heater toast,... no hot water until MONDAY,... I can't go without a shower for 4 days,... really housing????)

I also got mad at ODSP and sent them a nasty email saying it's unacceptable to wait 6 weeks for a reply from them. I told them you want my paperwork??? Then fucking call me!!!!! I told them I refuse to sit on hold one more day. If they want me now,... THEY have to call me. I refuse to deal with people who care so little about their clients they can wait 6 weeks to get back to them????? UNACCEPTABLE. And from what I am seeing on social media? Everyone on ODSP is furious with this new phone system. Apparently NOONE is able to get through. We all leave messages (after being on hold for 20 minutes) but no return call,... If people wonder why I feel like such a worhtless piece of shit? THIS is why? To society and all our 'benefit' organizations ~ we are invisable and not worthy. How would you feel if you have been trying to deal with a situation but noone will phone you?????? It's frustrating. But because they are the 'government' ~ they get away with it. WHO is going to fire them???? NOONE. 

Also this whole building is getting a new fob system for entry. I hate it as being old fashioned I like having a physical key to open myu door to my aprtment. NOW they are removing the key access and replacing it with electronic fob entry. I already have a fob for my automatic door opener and IT DOESN"T WORK! I have complained to housing but nothing,... so I jsut fight the door manually to get my walker through it. Not easy but whatever,... I get used to shit like this. But now I'm worried that this new system will fail. What if it's a holiday monday and my fob won't let me in my apartment??? Housing is closed. How do I get in? I asked them but they didn't have a great answer. Call Housing and we leave a message and someone will get back to you,.... (Yeah,... I've heard that before). I just know there will be a time when my fob won't work and i won't be able to get into my own home.

Have told you how much I HATE living in this building? This with the bullying and gossip leaves me feeling hopeless.

There has to be ONE person on this planet who has an apartment,... a granny flat on their property,... a tiny home in the middle of nowhere,... ANYTHING that they rent to me. I have the money,... but they just wont' rent to me.

DISCRIMINATION against the poor,...

My dream is to find a home away from people. From relentless gossip and bullying to finally be able to live out my life in peace. Someone,... somewhere,... must have a place for me I can rent,...

Do you know how it makes a person feel when they don't get what everyone else gets without even thinking about it? You feel unworthy and invisable,...

So if this society thinks I'm so unwrthy and invisable,... I guess I will MAKE MYSELF disappear,.... then I really will be INVISABLE.

ODSP (Ontario Disability) You should be ashamed of your organization. For me? You have done nothing but cause me stress and keep me poor with all your damn rules and regulations. I'm ready to say Keep your damn ODSP,... cuz I won't need it where I'm going,...

Hopefully,... once I'm dead heaven will be a bit more kind,....

M&M

I was woken up just after 5 this morning with the typical nose nibbles from Molly and Murphy. I have to admit that it is much nicer waking up to them than waking up alone. These two kittens have really put some life into my apartment. I am enjoying them so much.

M & M (which I have now dubbed them) had a vet appointment at 9 this morning. I don't have a car so I walked there. It is right across the road from my apartment so walking is no big deal. At least right now while the weather is nice. And today the weather is brilliant. There was definitely that fall nip in the air now but the sun was shining. So I bundled these 2 little monkey~bums into their carrier and we walked to the vet. Murphy is 5 pounds now and Molly only 3. So tiny, but so much fun.

Their operations are booked for the end of November to get them fixed. Murphy has a hernia he needs repaired as well. Luckily I had put some money away for it so I don't have to stress about the cost. I got an estimate and it's covered. But it hasn't escaped me that my 2 kittens have luxury health care while I have none at all,... I don't even want to tell you what I have spent on these 2 cats since I got them but it's a lot. Every need is covered for them. My cats get before I do,... I can't control my health care but I can make sure these 2 get what they need.

These 2 kittens,... M&M,... have put me in a position. Aside form these 2 cats, I have ZERO life. And I have now hit a place where I am just unable physically to get by anymore. I am too old and unhealthy and need help now. I am finding it very hard to get groceries as I have to walk home with them piled on top of my walker which isnt' easy. I am finding everything harder and harder to do now. My body is quitting,...

And the pain is getting unbearable. If I had health care,... medication,... to combat this my life would be so much easier. But with no doctor comes no meds for pain. I still smoke pot but honestly as someone with OCD I find this habit dirty and gross. The only reason I do it is for the unbearable pain. I would love to exchange pot for medication.

Anyone who has had to suffer with bad pain knows that you have good days and you have bad days. My good days (today) are ok. I can cope. But on my bad pain days i break down. The pain becomes relentless with no break to catch your breath. THIS is when my suicidal thoughts appear. THIS is when my suyicide will happen. On a day that I just can't bear the pain one more minute,... 

WHY should I suffer just becasue this society has a doctor shortage and I can't get proper health care. PAIN is horrible! I talk about ending my life in this blog daily. But heres something that might surprise you. 

I don't want to die

I want a life where I thrive and find enjoyment on a daily basis. Buit instead I deal with suffering. So NO,... I DON'T want to die,... but this pain,... this poverty,... and the fact that I know I will never get out of Ontario Housing leaves me dispondent. I know I will end my life if nothing changes. Thats not a guess,... it's a fact. Becasue I refuse to suffer any longer. And PAIN is SUFFERING. 

So again, I have not changed my mind. IF nothing changes and I get stuck living in this hell-hole and my pain stays out of control??? I'm out of here,... I have suffered enough and I refuse to suffer more.

I worry about M&M. Of course I do. I live these 2 little cats. But my pain is so bad some days I can't look after them as I can't get out of bed!! So I have put some money aside and I will re-home these two beautiful kittens. THATS how much pain I am in,.... physaiclly AND emotionally,.... I am willing to give up these cats to end my life for relief.

And I NEED that pain gone,... and if I can't change anything then I will leave. And sadly the only way to escape this life ~ is to end it.

this world was never meant for people like me

Yesterday was brutal. There is no worse feeling than knowing that it's a holiday where loved ones get together,... but you weren't even thought of. My day was empty and sad. 

I just want to die now. But unfortunately my body just wont' quit. I have stopped all medication,... I have stopped all health care altogether,... which lets face it wasn't hard as I didn't actually HAVE any health care except the walk-in (which is useless) and 911. 

I have given it a lot of thought. I mean I think of NOTHING else now,... I just want my life to be over. 

I am NOT WELL and desperately need a doctor and a physical,... but I know I am never going to get one,....

So I have made some plans,...

I wanted to go on a great vacation. I am limited to only Canada now as I cannot get a passport. You need a signature from a guarantor and I don't know one. I had this problem last time I got a passport. This time it's worse as I have lived as a recluse for the past 5 years. I have no doctor or anyone who can sign for my passport,... I have tried. I have called many places and noone will sign for me so NO PASSPORT FOR ME. Again - I don't get what the average joe gets,... I feel like such a worhtless citizen to this society.

HOW do you get a passport when you are an isloated recluse?????

How do you find a guarantor? And they have to have known you for a certain amount of years,...

I get so frustrated that I don't get what others all seem to get,...

WHY?

So now I have to vacation inside Canada. But now I run into - no vehicle. Without a car HOW do i get to a resort in Muskoka??? I can't. My life has not got what others have and they don't even appreciate. I was on the internet all evening last night trying to find WHERE I can go on vacation where I won't need a car or to drive. (suggestions welcomed!). I would love to go to the East Coast. Nova Scotia or newfoundland,... but once I fly into the airport I am seeing you need a car,...

And this is my life,... I have the money,... but for reasons that I can't control,... options are taken away from me.

So where can i vacation up north where a bus or train takes you right to their door,... I'll tell you,... NOONE. I know as I researched for hours and hours. And if you do do a train trip it's about $5000!!!!!

All I want to do is sit on the waterfront in a cabin and enjoy nature,... but after hours on line I have found it is yet another thing I CAN'T HAVE.

So no vacation either,... again,... I have the money,... yet I still can't manage a vacation,... I feel like nothing is available to me.

I feel like I am a worthless piece of shit.

All I wanted was a vacation,... on a lake,.... to enjoy peace,....

But yet again I am a loser who doesn't deserve,....

So no wonder I keep coming back to suicide. I HAVE MONEY!!!!! Yet still I am not good enough for this society,...

won't give me an apartment,...

can't go on vacation,....

so what the fuck can I do with this miserable life????

Nothing,... thats what my life has been resorted to - NOTHING. 

So I continue to plan,...

My family and friends know where I live and my phone number,... (***-***-**60)sorry in the end I had to delete the phone number as I started getting fake calls :() ( because really,... if a scammer is going to call? who cares,... I'll be dead and buried before they can scam me,.... no need to hide my number,... it'll be out of use by 2026

yet - *** crickets **** so I know NO HELP IS COMING,.... which means I will NEVER have a life. So roll on *** ** 2025. Because that is the date I end my life.

I asked for help - but no help came,....

****************

P.S. Here we are not 6 hours later from posting and I am already getting SPAM on this phone number I published. This shows the low life scum people are. I am DESPERATE for help and that is why I choose to risk putting my phone number and address on here. Dangerous? Probobly but maybe that will show how desperate I am for help.

And for the scammer(s) who just used it to try and scam me??? as my phone just blew up with fake messages and calls,... THIS is why I have lost all faith in humanity. No help from anyone,...  but they will try and scam me,... what the fuck kind of sick world do we live in. I will keep my number up there as I am THAT desperate for help, but I know you scammers will use it to hurt me. But thats how desperate I am,...

See? None cares to reach out and help,.... just to scam me,...

I hate this fucking world,... I'm nothing but a fucking target.

 there is something 

soul destroying

about being alone for yet another

holiday

Because you know why your alone,...

Your unwanted 

Your unloved

Your worthless

Happy Fucking Thanksgiving

No football ~ International break

Saturday is almost always game day. But this week the Premier League in on their International Break. All the league players that play for their home National Teams leave to play with them. It means the Premier League has no games this weekend. But their will be international games. I just have to find them on Youtube as I don't have the streaming sites for them. After my fiasco with Apple and the MLS app that someone (and I still don't know who) broke into my Apple account and cancelled my MLS soccer app. I don't know HOW they did it as Apple always makes me get codes. But somehow,... someone cancelled my MLS app and it no longer works. That in itself bothered me as when you cancel a subscription you should be able to watch it until the date your paid up to. I WAS paid up to next February 2026 but now Apple won't allow me to use their app anymore. So I paid the annual fee of $99 to watch the MLS and now I can't. They won't let me. Even after I called them.

So I cancelled all my Apple subscriptions. My Iphone was old (an Iphone 7) and I was really needing a new one as the screen was cracked and it was quite old. So on Prime day this week I bought an android phone. I gave up the Apple eco system. You fuck with me Apple and steal my MLS viewing???? Then I cancel you and I never return to Apple. I thought I might regret it but I don't. I don't mind the android and now I never have to deal with Apple and their exorbitently priced products.

This means that I made the decision to give up MLS football. This was a HUGE decision for me as soccer is all I have left in my life. But my Toronto FC team has been ON THE BOTTOM for years now and I just don't enjoy watching them anymore. They are not even close to the team they used to be. The MLSE (owners) have ruined them. I had to pay $24.95 a month just for the Apple app. And then I had to pay $99 for an annual subscription on top of that to get the MLS soccer app. That works out to about $34 a month just to watch Toronto FC. So I made the decision to let the MLS league go,....

Now I just watch the English Premier League as well as the two International Teams of Canada and England. Giving up the MLS league has saved me a lot of money.

Apple ~ you can't steal peoples subscriptions. If they paid until February they should be allowed to watch games until February. But you kicked me out of your app. So fuck you,... no more MLS or Apple. At this point I won't even miss them. My Toronto FC has become an embarrassment. So now it's all Manchester Untited all the way.

I have found with a lot of services that they just don't care about their customers. Once they have your money? You can't even reach them if you have a problem. This world really has become pay and then your on your own,.... People just don't have any pride in their companies and products anymore. Just sell, sell, sell,... and once it's sold they turn their back on the customer. The customer is on their own,... what has happened to our world??? It's gotten so GREEDY.

So today I sit - BORED out of my mind - spending yet another day with nothing to do and nowhere to go,....

So Canada,.... KEEP your fucking benefits as I won't need them anymore where I'm going. To that BORED government worker I had to deal with???? Fuck you. You have far too much power and you just said NO because of ONE FUCKING PIECE OF PAPER. Again,... no customer service. Just bored people who don't give a shit. And because of that bored person - I DIDN'T GET A VERY MUCH NEEDED BENEFIT. 

I'm fed up. With everyone and everything and it's time to go,...

Because if I wait around too much longer???? They will be coming after me for back pay for ODSP,.... because we are not allowed to live in peace. On ODSP and living in Ontario Housing your whole life is living under the threat of eviction and homelessness because of your poverty.

I'm done living under that stress. If noone wants to give me an apartment??? And I out and out REFUSE to stay in this toxic building,... then I end my life.

I fucking hate this society right now as all it's done is BEAT me down until I don't even want to be alive anymore,....

What a sad life,... and even more sad,... NOONE fucking cares,....

Oh and guess what? It's Thanksgiving this weekend and I am again ALONE.

FUCK YOU Canada for treating us disabled like we don't even exist

I have woken up dispondent. It just seems like life is out to make me miserable. EVERYTHING has fallen apart and I am left with nothing. ODSP is coming after me because I received this settlement so they can stop my payments saying I now don't need them. I am so upset with them I just handed it over to my lawyer. I can't deal with people who's only goal is to make your life hard. I've given up dealing with them. You call and call and call and they never call you back. But when THEY want something,... they want it NOW and demand it. So if they want something,... THEY can go get it as I'm done being left on hold just so they can take my benefit.

Being hit by a car has ruined my life. I made enough to save me in BC and get me back home,... and then refurnish my apartment once I got here. But I didnt make enought to buy anything to get me out of Ontario Housing. And buying is the ONLY way to escape Housing as NOONE WILL RENT TO ME as I am on ODSP and live in poverty and landlords won't trust that we will pay our rent.

I HAVE MONEY IN THE BANK BUT THATS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. What good is all this money if it wont' help me change my situation?

Infact,... it has fucked up my benefits. I now have too much money for benefits - but NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO LIVE ON.

Getting hit by this car has ruined my life. 

And I am so angry at the Canadian government and their attitude. I desperately NEED this new National Disability Benefit that has come out,... but becasue I won't walk five kilometers to get yet another photo copy they cancelled my application.

I do not get this benefit because I can't walk downtown right now. And the guy working for the government on the other end of that phone call? Sounded BORED. When I said I couldn't do that as I wasn't well enough right now,... do you know what he said in his BORED voice??? 

"Ok maam we'll go ahaead and cancel your application then shall I?

The people that work in our government just don't care,.... he offered me no alternative,.... no extended time,... just "ok,.... we'll go ahead and cancel your application" like to him? It was one less person he had to deal with.

So No ODSP,.... No National Benefit,.... I am just not surviving right now. And I feel like the Canadian Government is AGAINST ME and doing everything they can to make my life MISERABLE.

All becasue I couldnt' walk 5 km downtown to get the back of my ID photo copied. I already did the front and every other damn thing they wanted,... but it wasn't good enough. So NO!!!! NO JACQUIE YOU don't get the benefit becasue your a worthless piece of shit.

I hope that man who said that gets Karma someday. Being allowed to decide whethere someone gets help or not is a position he obviously doesn't give one shit about. He COULD have helped me get that benefit but he didn't. Becasue he was BORED and couldn't be bothered.

THIS folks is why I don't plan on sticking around.

I got hit by a car and since then my life has gone down,... down.,... down,... and now they are taking my ODSP too.

Fuck you all,... I'm fucking done,...

I'll be fucking gone before Christmas.

Best Christmas present my family could ever get....

The mentally ill monster ~ GONE!!!

Because society has just made it too hard to get basic fucking needs,...

And I'm fucking done BEGGING!!!!!!!

If it's too hard to get basic needs,... then it's time to end the party.

I hope Canda is proud of themselves as the obviously don't give ONE SHIT about the disabled in their country.

Time to draw up a will

There is a lot of planning to do now. And the biggest most important job right now is to make my will. Now that I have a few bucks in the bank, I have to make a will so that I know my children will NOT SEE A DIME of it. But who do I give it to? I have noone in my family that I hasn't turned their back on me. When I was in trouble they told me to fuck off,... so I did.

But what they didn't know is I have a bank account now. So you see HAyley,... I didn't NEED your money. I wasn't after MONEY. I wasn't asking you to be my "parent". I had everything I needed. I just wanted to see you and get a hug. But you ASSUMED I wanted to live there or borrow money or in some way have you guys look after me. And that was the furthurst thing from the truth. When I called you,... I had everything I needed. I just WANTED to see you,... but you choose to tell people that YOU were the parent and I was the child in our relationship because,... well,... I don't know how you can say that. You ahve never given me anything. I have never asked for anything,... so how am I the child ruining your life??? BULLSHIT. You wouldn't let me near you. You would only ever text - never answer your phone,... so how the fuck were you playing the part of my parent. THAT IS A JOKE. The day after my accident you said you would come and help me,... you never showed up. Not a call,... not a text,... just a no show. That told me you didn't care how I was. For the record,... I was NOT ok. I desperately needed your help but you blew me off. Good parenting,....

So my kids don't deserve this money. They have done nothing but blame me for every problem in their life. My mother was so horrible,... and I dont' agree so if I'm such a terrrible mother,...

the you dont' get my fucking money!!!!!!! 

So I have sat here trying to figure out what to do with it. It's sitting in a bank account - useless - as noone will rent to me so it's no good to me. I was origianlly going to put it in trust for my grand daughter but I have decided not to do that. My heart is broken that my daughter excluded me from her life. So I have decided that if they really truly think I am that much of a monster I can't even see my own grandchild? Then they get NOTHING from me. 

But what to do with it then? I have decided to donate it. I have narrowed it down to two organizations. Toronto Sick Kids Hospital (where the twins were airlifted to) or to the Guelph organizations that bent over backwards to get me home to Ontario and get my old apartment back. Why should I give money to two girls who want nothing to do with me. Instead I feel it should go to the people who REALLY helped me when i was so desperate. I would love to find that young man who picked me up along the BC highway and drove me to the ferry. I would love to give $$$ to him as whether he knows it or not - HE SAVED MY LIFE. But I can't remember anything about him as I was so traumatized at the time. 

So I am making an appointment with a lawyer to draw up my will. It will state that my two daughters and anyone else in my family is NOT to receivbe one dime of my money or any of my belongings. They are completely shut out. Just as they have shut me out,...

That money - I was so excited to get - can't help me escape this prison. So if I can't use it,... and I'm ending my life,... then someone has to get this money.

It's not too late for my daughters. But they will never reach out,... ever. And I'm done waiting,...

The homeless and Sick Kids are going to get my money.

And it will all be BEFORE Christmas.

It's not too late girls,... but with all the yapping you get from everyone else,... you will never see me as just a person who loves you and lives for her family. Instead I am a monster,...

It's not too late,... but I will know you only want the money,... not me.

P.S. for anyone concerned,... My kittens will be well looked after as they will be given away to a home that I have researched. They will already have had their operations to be fixed and they will come with a cheque to be looked after in the future. The will be up to date with the vet and well looked after. I won't leave until i know they are well looked after.

I woke up this  morning to 2 kittens nibbling on me for their breakfast. Adorable. How could you not smile? My mornings now are in a hurry. Hurry up and get us our breakfast. I can't do anything until I have put their bowls of food down. Then, I can go and wash my face and brush my teeth and put the coffee on. It wasn't until I sat down to wait for my coffee that my mood shifted. It always does when realization sets in. 

I'm not going anywhere,... I am trapped in this toxic building

And when that realization hits my heart sinks. My mood drops to sadness and depression. If my life were different I would just get up and do something I enjoy to change my mood. But theres nothing to do. I can't go anywhere. Getting anywhere in this town is a nightmare. So if I can't walk there,... I just stay home. And right now I can't even walk.

I have been having trouble walking lately. I think my hips are going. It's definitely something going on. When I sit I get no relief from pain. It's all in that hip and groin area. And because I don't have a doctor it has never been looked at. I try and mention it at past visits but I get reminded of the "one issue per visit" rule so I end up going with the more serious problem which is usually my blood pressure. But now I am older. Things are breaking down. And because they are not getting addressed right away as they happen, they just get worse over time. And that is what is happening with my hip/groin area. It has become so painful I can't walk well anymore. Even with the walker it is too painful. 

I feels like I am just falling apart at the seems. Every day a new pain,... a new problem,... but nothing gets addressed. I am desperate for a physical. DESPERATE. I tried finding out how to get one but it turns out WITHOUT A DOCTOR YOU JUST DONT GET ONE! I called our local walk-in clinic (no physicals and just one issue per visit) I called 811 which offered no help. I have called every number on the internet I can find on how to get a physical in Ontario when you dont' have a doctor. They keep telling me my local walkin. But they dont do physicals,... so why are they telling people they do? In the end I just got the run around. Try this number,... try that number,... but no number ever helped. It was all a waste of time. So Canada,... let me ask you this,...

What good is FREE health care 

If you can't access it????????

The only health care available to me is walk-in and 911. And each time I call 911 it costs me $45.00 so THATS NOT FREE. If you have a doctor,... it's free. But if you don't and you have to rely on 911?? Get your chequebook out as it is expensive. I owe over $600 right now which I just out and out REFUSE to pay. And yes,... I had bill collectors after me for the longest time until I called the hospital and told them they have a nerve asking me for money when 911 is all I have for health care. The woman actually agreed and wiped out that debt. But since then I have had to call numerous times so the bill is once again growing. So NO health care is not free for me.

Over the past few weeks I have done a lot of thinkking and soul searching and I have decided that life is not worth living anymore. It's all negative,... struggle,... stress,... pain. There is no family,... friends,... joy,... 

So I stopped all my medications again. And even if my blood pressure goes as high as 255 again - I WILL NOT BE CALLING 911. I have asked over and over again for a doctor,... for help,... but noone bat an eye. I am invisable to this society. 

Living for me is painful. And if noone is going to help with a doctor,... a physical,... then that tells me that as time goes on and my health declines more,... I will just suffer even more.

I am not going to do that. Why should I? Why should I feel pain and heartbreak every day with nothing in return. But trolls coming after me making my life even harder. 

Every morning I sit with my coffee and I watch people on YouTube live the life I dream about. I watch channels of people up north living in small cabins off grid. My dream. But instead of living it,... I am forced to sit in my prison cell and watch through a screen. I envy these folks so much. 

All I want is out of this building but even with money in the bank noone will rent to me,... out and out discrimination becasue I am on disability. I have been sentenced to the remainder of my life in this hell hole. I am not going to let that happen. 

I have tried,... but it was like wack-a-mole. Every time I rose i got bopped right back down,... there is no escaping unless someone takes a chance on me and rents to me,... if that doesn't happen I am forever trapped here.

It hurts my heart that there isn't one person on this planet that can help. I'm not asking for money,... I am just asking for a break. I have never asked for a dime in my life. I think people think because I am on disability and poor, they will get STUCK looking after me. I KNOW thats how my children feel. But honestly I don't know why. I have never asked for anything from them or anyone. And I have my own money. I get a pittance monthly but I have money in the bank I can draw from to pick up the slack for a better enviroment. But noone will give me a break,...

I feel that. I am not important enough in anyones life for them to go out of their way to help. If any of my frineds found themselves homeless I would be FIRST in line to help them. In any way I could. But my family blamed me instead of helping. And THAT destroyed me. I will never forget coming back from BC with my tail between my legs wanting nothing but a hug only to receive a "fuck off". I don't know what they think I wanted becasue I already had my apartment secured. I wasn't asking for a place to stay or money,... I was wanting a hug. But they had decided already. Hayley wouldnt' even hear me out. Just said she was sick of being the adult and me the child (??????) WTF? I have never asked for a damn thing from that child - EVER - in my entire life. So that statement made absolutely no sense to me what-so-ever. People who have read this blod can see I did nothing but chase her and get pushed away. So to me that was just an excuse to not only have to have me in her life,... but can now gain sympathy from the rest of the family "Is she expecting me to take her in and look after her now????" She never took the time to ask me what I wanted. Noone did. I was just told to fuck off. For the record I needed nothing but a hug. 

I can't even watch tv with toddlers as I break down and cry missing the grand daughter I haven't even met. She's all I think about some days. And reminders just hurt my heart. 

With all of this I have decided that it's time to just check out. 

If one person would rent to me,... my life could change. But there just doesn't seem to be one place on this planet for me where I feel wanted. Right now it's just bullies and family telling me to fuck off. So you know what? Don't fucking blame me when i do,.....