No football ~ International break

Saturday is almost always game day. But this week the Premier League in on their International Break. All the league players that play for their home National Teams leave to play with them. It means the Premier League has no games this weekend. But their will be international games. I just have to find them on Youtube as I don't have the streaming sites for them. After my fiasco with Apple and the MLS app that someone (and I still don't know who) broke into my Apple account and cancelled my MLS soccer app. I don't know HOW they did it as Apple always makes me get codes. But somehow,... someone cancelled my MLS app and it no longer works. That in itself bothered me as when you cancel a subscription you should be able to watch it until the date your paid up to. I WAS paid up to next February 2026 but now Apple won't allow me to use their app anymore. So I paid the annual fee of $99 to watch the MLS and now I can't. They won't let me. Even after I called them.

So I cancelled all my Apple subscriptions. My Iphone was old (an Iphone 7) and I was really needing a new one as the screen was cracked and it was quite old. So on Prime day this week I bought an android phone. I gave up the Apple eco system. You fuck with me Apple and steal my MLS viewing???? Then I cancel you and I never return to Apple. I thought I might regret it but I don't. I don't mind the android and now I never have to deal with Apple and their exorbitently priced products.

This means that I made the decision to give up MLS football. This was a HUGE decision for me as soccer is all I have left in my life. But my Toronto FC team has been ON THE BOTTOM for years now and I just don't enjoy watching them anymore. They are not even close to the team they used to be. The MLSE (owners) have ruined them. I had to pay $24.95 a month just for the Apple app. And then I had to pay $99 for an annual subscription on top of that to get the MLS soccer app. That works out to about $34 a month just to watch Toronto FC. So I made the decision to let the MLS league go,....

Now I just watch the English Premier League as well as the two International Teams of Canada and England. Giving up the MLS league has saved me a lot of money.

Apple ~ you can't steal peoples subscriptions. If they paid until February they should be allowed to watch games until February. But you kicked me out of your app. So fuck you,... no more MLS or Apple. At this point I won't even miss them. My Toronto FC has become an embarrassment. So now it's all Manchester Untited all the way.

I have found with a lot of services that they just don't care about their customers. Once they have your money? You can't even reach them if you have a problem. This world really has become pay and then your on your own,.... People just don't have any pride in their companies and products anymore. Just sell, sell, sell,... and once it's sold they turn their back on the customer. The customer is on their own,... what has happened to our world??? It's gotten so GREEDY.

So today I sit - BORED out of my mind - spending yet another day with nothing to do and nowhere to go,....

So Canada,.... KEEP your fucking benefits as I won't need them anymore where I'm going. To that BORED government worker I had to deal with???? Fuck you. You have far too much power and you just said NO because of ONE FUCKING PIECE OF PAPER. Again,... no customer service. Just bored people who don't give a shit. And because of that bored person - I DIDN'T GET A VERY MUCH NEEDED BENEFIT. 

I'm fed up. With everyone and everything and it's time to go,...

Because if I wait around too much longer???? They will be coming after me for back pay for ODSP,.... because we are not allowed to live in peace. On ODSP and living in Ontario Housing your whole life is living under the threat of eviction and homelessness because of your poverty.

I'm done living under that stress. If noone wants to give me an apartment??? And I out and out REFUSE to stay in this toxic building,... then I end my life.

I fucking hate this society right now as all it's done is BEAT me down until I don't even want to be alive anymore,....

What a sad life,... and even more sad,... NOONE fucking cares,....

Oh and guess what? It's Thanksgiving this weekend and I am again ALONE.

FUCK YOU Canada for treating us disabled like we don't even exist

I have woken up dispondent. It just seems like life is out to make me miserable. EVERYTHING has fallen apart and I am left with nothing. ODSP is coming after me because I received this settlement so they can stop my payments saying I now don't need them. I am so upset with them I just handed it over to my lawyer. I can't deal with people who's only goal is to make your life hard. I've given up dealing with them. You call and call and call and they never call you back. But when THEY want something,... they want it NOW and demand it. So if they want something,... THEY can go get it as I'm done being left on hold just so they can take my benefit.

Being hit by a car has ruined my life. I made enough to save me in BC and get me back home,... and then refurnish my apartment once I got here. But I didnt make enought to buy anything to get me out of Ontario Housing. And buying is the ONLY way to escape Housing as NOONE WILL RENT TO ME as I am on ODSP and live in poverty and landlords won't trust that we will pay our rent.

I HAVE MONEY IN THE BANK BUT THATS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. What good is all this money if it wont' help me change my situation?

Infact,... it has fucked up my benefits. I now have too much money for benefits - but NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO LIVE ON.

Getting hit by this car has ruined my life. 

And I am so angry at the Canadian government and their attitude. I desperately NEED this new National Disability Benefit that has come out,... but becasue I won't walk five kilometers to get yet another photo copy they cancelled my application.

I do not get this benefit because I can't walk downtown right now. And the guy working for the government on the other end of that phone call? Sounded BORED. When I said I couldn't do that as I wasn't well enough right now,... do you know what he said in his BORED voice??? 

"Ok maam we'll go ahaead and cancel your application then shall I?

The people that work in our government just don't care,.... he offered me no alternative,.... no extended time,... just "ok,.... we'll go ahead and cancel your application" like to him? It was one less person he had to deal with.

So No ODSP,.... No National Benefit,.... I am just not surviving right now. And I feel like the Canadian Government is AGAINST ME and doing everything they can to make my life MISERABLE.

All becasue I couldnt' walk 5 km downtown to get the back of my ID photo copied. I already did the front and every other damn thing they wanted,... but it wasn't good enough. So NO!!!! NO JACQUIE YOU don't get the benefit becasue your a worthless piece of shit.

I hope that man who said that gets Karma someday. Being allowed to decide whethere someone gets help or not is a position he obviously doesn't give one shit about. He COULD have helped me get that benefit but he didn't. Becasue he was BORED and couldn't be bothered.

THIS folks is why I don't plan on sticking around.

I got hit by a car and since then my life has gone down,... down.,... down,... and now they are taking my ODSP too.

Fuck you all,... I'm fucking done,...

I'll be fucking gone before Christmas.

Best Christmas present my family could ever get....

The mentally ill monster ~ GONE!!!

Because society has just made it too hard to get basic fucking needs,...

And I'm fucking done BEGGING!!!!!!!

If it's too hard to get basic needs,... then it's time to end the party.

I hope Canda is proud of themselves as the obviously don't give ONE SHIT about the disabled in their country.

Time to draw up a will

There is a lot of planning to do now. And the biggest most important job right now is to make my will. Now that I have a few bucks in the bank, I have to make a will so that I know my children will NOT SEE A DIME of it. But who do I give it to? I have noone in my family that I hasn't turned their back on me. When I was in trouble they told me to fuck off,... so I did.

But what they didn't know is I have a bank account now. So you see HAyley,... I didn't NEED your money. I wasn't after MONEY. I wasn't asking you to be my "parent". I had everything I needed. I just wanted to see you and get a hug. But you ASSUMED I wanted to live there or borrow money or in some way have you guys look after me. And that was the furthurst thing from the truth. When I called you,... I had everything I needed. I just WANTED to see you,... but you choose to tell people that YOU were the parent and I was the child in our relationship because,... well,... I don't know how you can say that. You ahve never given me anything. I have never asked for anything,... so how am I the child ruining your life??? BULLSHIT. You wouldn't let me near you. You would only ever text - never answer your phone,... so how the fuck were you playing the part of my parent. THAT IS A JOKE. The day after my accident you said you would come and help me,... you never showed up. Not a call,... not a text,... just a no show. That told me you didn't care how I was. For the record,... I was NOT ok. I desperately needed your help but you blew me off. Good parenting,....

So my kids don't deserve this money. They have done nothing but blame me for every problem in their life. My mother was so horrible,... and I dont' agree so if I'm such a terrrible mother,...

the you dont' get my fucking money!!!!!!! 

So I have sat here trying to figure out what to do with it. It's sitting in a bank account - useless - as noone will rent to me so it's no good to me. I was origianlly going to put it in trust for my grand daughter but I have decided not to do that. My heart is broken that my daughter excluded me from her life. So I have decided that if they really truly think I am that much of a monster I can't even see my own grandchild? Then they get NOTHING from me. 

But what to do with it then? I have decided to donate it. I have narrowed it down to two organizations. Toronto Sick Kids Hospital (where the twins were airlifted to) or to the Guelph organizations that bent over backwards to get me home to Ontario and get my old apartment back. Why should I give money to two girls who want nothing to do with me. Instead I feel it should go to the people who REALLY helped me when i was so desperate. I would love to find that young man who picked me up along the BC highway and drove me to the ferry. I would love to give $$$ to him as whether he knows it or not - HE SAVED MY LIFE. But I can't remember anything about him as I was so traumatized at the time. 

So I am making an appointment with a lawyer to draw up my will. It will state that my two daughters and anyone else in my family is NOT to receivbe one dime of my money or any of my belongings. They are completely shut out. Just as they have shut me out,...

That money - I was so excited to get - can't help me escape this prison. So if I can't use it,... and I'm ending my life,... then someone has to get this money.

It's not too late for my daughters. But they will never reach out,... ever. And I'm done waiting,...

The homeless and Sick Kids are going to get my money.

And it will all be BEFORE Christmas.

It's not too late girls,... but with all the yapping you get from everyone else,... you will never see me as just a person who loves you and lives for her family. Instead I am a monster,...

It's not too late,... but I will know you only want the money,... not me.

P.S. for anyone concerned,... My kittens will be well looked after as they will be given away to a home that I have researched. They will already have had their operations to be fixed and they will come with a cheque to be looked after in the future. The will be up to date with the vet and well looked after. I won't leave until i know they are well looked after.

I woke up this  morning to 2 kittens nibbling on me for their breakfast. Adorable. How could you not smile? My mornings now are in a hurry. Hurry up and get us our breakfast. I can't do anything until I have put their bowls of food down. Then, I can go and wash my face and brush my teeth and put the coffee on. It wasn't until I sat down to wait for my coffee that my mood shifted. It always does when realization sets in. 

I'm not going anywhere,... I am trapped in this toxic building

And when that realization hits my heart sinks. My mood drops to sadness and depression. If my life were different I would just get up and do something I enjoy to change my mood. But theres nothing to do. I can't go anywhere. Getting anywhere in this town is a nightmare. So if I can't walk there,... I just stay home. And right now I can't even walk.

I have been having trouble walking lately. I think my hips are going. It's definitely something going on. When I sit I get no relief from pain. It's all in that hip and groin area. And because I don't have a doctor it has never been looked at. I try and mention it at past visits but I get reminded of the "one issue per visit" rule so I end up going with the more serious problem which is usually my blood pressure. But now I am older. Things are breaking down. And because they are not getting addressed right away as they happen, they just get worse over time. And that is what is happening with my hip/groin area. It has become so painful I can't walk well anymore. Even with the walker it is too painful. 

I feels like I am just falling apart at the seems. Every day a new pain,... a new problem,... but nothing gets addressed. I am desperate for a physical. DESPERATE. I tried finding out how to get one but it turns out WITHOUT A DOCTOR YOU JUST DONT GET ONE! I called our local walk-in clinic (no physicals and just one issue per visit) I called 811 which offered no help. I have called every number on the internet I can find on how to get a physical in Ontario when you dont' have a doctor. They keep telling me my local walkin. But they dont do physicals,... so why are they telling people they do? In the end I just got the run around. Try this number,... try that number,... but no number ever helped. It was all a waste of time. So Canada,... let me ask you this,...

What good is FREE health care 

If you can't access it????????

The only health care available to me is walk-in and 911. And each time I call 911 it costs me $45.00 so THATS NOT FREE. If you have a doctor,... it's free. But if you don't and you have to rely on 911?? Get your chequebook out as it is expensive. I owe over $600 right now which I just out and out REFUSE to pay. And yes,... I had bill collectors after me for the longest time until I called the hospital and told them they have a nerve asking me for money when 911 is all I have for health care. The woman actually agreed and wiped out that debt. But since then I have had to call numerous times so the bill is once again growing. So NO health care is not free for me.

Over the past few weeks I have done a lot of thinkking and soul searching and I have decided that life is not worth living anymore. It's all negative,... struggle,... stress,... pain. There is no family,... friends,... joy,... 

So I stopped all my medications again. And even if my blood pressure goes as high as 255 again - I WILL NOT BE CALLING 911. I have asked over and over again for a doctor,... for help,... but noone bat an eye. I am invisable to this society. 

Living for me is painful. And if noone is going to help with a doctor,... a physical,... then that tells me that as time goes on and my health declines more,... I will just suffer even more.

I am not going to do that. Why should I? Why should I feel pain and heartbreak every day with nothing in return. But trolls coming after me making my life even harder. 

Every morning I sit with my coffee and I watch people on YouTube live the life I dream about. I watch channels of people up north living in small cabins off grid. My dream. But instead of living it,... I am forced to sit in my prison cell and watch through a screen. I envy these folks so much. 

All I want is out of this building but even with money in the bank noone will rent to me,... out and out discrimination becasue I am on disability. I have been sentenced to the remainder of my life in this hell hole. I am not going to let that happen. 

I have tried,... but it was like wack-a-mole. Every time I rose i got bopped right back down,... there is no escaping unless someone takes a chance on me and rents to me,... if that doesn't happen I am forever trapped here.

It hurts my heart that there isn't one person on this planet that can help. I'm not asking for money,... I am just asking for a break. I have never asked for a dime in my life. I think people think because I am on disability and poor, they will get STUCK looking after me. I KNOW thats how my children feel. But honestly I don't know why. I have never asked for anything from them or anyone. And I have my own money. I get a pittance monthly but I have money in the bank I can draw from to pick up the slack for a better enviroment. But noone will give me a break,...

I feel that. I am not important enough in anyones life for them to go out of their way to help. If any of my frineds found themselves homeless I would be FIRST in line to help them. In any way I could. But my family blamed me instead of helping. And THAT destroyed me. I will never forget coming back from BC with my tail between my legs wanting nothing but a hug only to receive a "fuck off". I don't know what they think I wanted becasue I already had my apartment secured. I wasn't asking for a place to stay or money,... I was wanting a hug. But they had decided already. Hayley wouldnt' even hear me out. Just said she was sick of being the adult and me the child (??????) WTF? I have never asked for a damn thing from that child - EVER - in my entire life. So that statement made absolutely no sense to me what-so-ever. People who have read this blod can see I did nothing but chase her and get pushed away. So to me that was just an excuse to not only have to have me in her life,... but can now gain sympathy from the rest of the family "Is she expecting me to take her in and look after her now????" She never took the time to ask me what I wanted. Noone did. I was just told to fuck off. For the record I needed nothing but a hug. 

I can't even watch tv with toddlers as I break down and cry missing the grand daughter I haven't even met. She's all I think about some days. And reminders just hurt my heart. 

With all of this I have decided that it's time to just check out. 

If one person would rent to me,... my life could change. But there just doesn't seem to be one place on this planet for me where I feel wanted. Right now it's just bullies and family telling me to fuck off. So you know what? Don't fucking blame me when i do,.....

This world is cruel

I feel so defeated this morning,.... everything is going WRONG.

ODSP is now DEMANDING to see my settlement as they want to send it to their legal team to see if I still qualify for ODSP. I am so fed up with their demands and controlling ways I just want to cancel ODSP altogether. From the beginning of when I started receiving this benefit my life has changed completely for the NEGATIVE. They control EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR LIFE.

You are NOT ALLOWED to receive (form anyone) more than their $1480 a month (or whatever it is now I don't know as I was off of it for so long after my accident) but it's UNDER $1500. IF I receive mon ey on TOP of that from somewhere else ~ ODSP TAKES IT AWAY so that I STILL only receive their $1480.

This benefit is designed to KEEP YOU IN POVERTY and never let you escape. I know,... becasue I have tried several times but only managed to get thrown bvack into this poverty and ODSP's oppresive state. 

NO YOU DO NOT DESERVE ANYMORE THAN $1480 a month so just shut up and be grateful.

Think about it,.... Could you live off of $1480 a month??? Of course not,... it's immpossible. But if you do find more money,... ODSP 'absorbs' it into something i still don't undertstand so that we never make more than $1480. 

Now,... heres something no one knows. My settlement money had came in. I have some money in my bank account right now. (At least I think it's a lot of money but to most people it wouldn't be much). But to someone in my position I thought it was gold. In the end,...it wasn't,... it wasn't nearly enough to change my life. It saved me in BC,... But I still can't escape this poverty. Why? Because I didn't make enough to BUY property (which apparently the only way I am escaping this place) but I made enough to effect my benefits. NOW,... ODSP has "heard" from someone (again my troll) that I came into a bit of money. (I would LOVE to know who is dong all of this tattling on me trying to ruin my life!!!!) 

So now ODSP is DEMANDING I send them my settlement document so their legal team can go threw it and decide if I am worthy enough of still receiving ODSP. 

Heres the problem. I took that settlenment money and after realizing that NOONE WOULD RENT TO ME STILL the money was no good to me. So I put it into a GIC for one year. I cannot touch it for one year. NOW,... ODSP is saying I don't deserve ODSP anymore becasue of this settlenment. If they stop my disability payments - I am fucked as my settlement money is LOCKED and I cannot touch it.

So how am I suppose to live now??? With just my CPP. $851.51 a month. My rent is over $600 (with the housing benefit I have I get a break) 

That settlement money is for pain and suffering. I lost the use of my right hand and still have other deficits that effect my life every single day. 

ODSP has no fucking right to even threaten me with stopping their payments. I was hit by a car. NOT MY FUCKING FAULT. Yet, ever since my life has changed. Benefits taken away,... no health care,... no help at all for anything,... yet,...

now they want to take away my ODSP.

I would LOVE to know who called them and tattled. WHO even knows I got a settlement? Tonya fucking Halls knows,... that's who. Again, I cna't prove anything. But someone is trolling me calling all my benefits and saying I got a settlement and shouldnt' get my benefit anymore,... WHO would be so low to do that??? And why? If ODSP stops my beneifits I WILL BE HOMELESS BY SPRING! Whoever is trolling me is deliveratly trying to get me homeless. Hmmm,.... that sounds familiar Tonya Halls,... and even if it isn't her? Well she has form and has done it to me before and succeeded so why would I think she would stop now. 

Whoever it is,... you have fucked me up royally as if ODSP takes away my benefit - I have nothing to live on and can't pay rent or eat and will end up losing this apartment.

I feel so hunted,... so worthless,.... why is everyone trying to make my life so hard??? What the fuck did I ever do to you to deserve losing my income and my HOME???? What the fuck did I ever do to you????

So becasue ODSP would never call me back,... I sent them an email basiclaly saying if you won't answer your phone or call back??? Then heres my lawyer - you can do what you need to do on your own time. I am out of it. I am not sitting on hold multiple times to do YOUR work and end up losing my benefit. If you want to stop my benefit then YOU can do the work of calling my lawyer and asking for the settlement YOURSELF on your own time. I am so sick of them and there untouchable office that you can't get through but trhey never call you back,....

So I have set a date,... for THAT day. I am so depressed,... heartbroken that I am so worthless to this society that I can't bear to stick around.

Plans have been made,... we just wait for the date.

I don't want to hear "Why did she do it?" Becasue I have been asking for help for YEARS and you all turned your backs on me.

So you have no say or judgement in what happens now,

You don't give me enough to live on,... and then trhreaten to take away what I still have,...

You don't give health care and I am falling apart DESPERATE for a physical as I KNOW there is something seriously wrong with my body,...

And today,... the decision was sealed when I decdided to go and do some laps. (walk the hallways here for exercise) I can go down staris but not up them so I do floor by floor going down the stairs and then take the elevator back up and do it all over again. But it's nerve wracking as I am terrified of running into Darren or Mark. And what happened this morning? I ran into Mark. I just came down the hall as he was getting off the elevator. This is how much he has effected me,... My body started to shake,... I froze in place,... then I did an about face and RAN down the hall to an alcove where I was out of sight and I HID until he entered his apartment.

THIS IS NOT LIVING. This is existing in fear. 

So the date is picked,... the method chosen,... and unless someone knocks on my door with help,... I will be dead and buried by Christmas,...

I hate this fucking world and I can't wait to leave it,.....

We are closing in on my troll. They live here in my town

 We are closing in on WHO is going into all of my accounts. The police have discovered the person is using a Fire HD tablet and they live in Fergus. I don't even OWN a Fire tablet. I used to but threw it out (or gave it away?) before I left for BC. So it is probobly someone here in my building. Tonya Halls,..? Darren Green? Mark Rathwell? Whoever you are, you are not as clever as you think. We now have your IP address and know what device you are using. We just have to find what exact address you live in.

To actually see that it is NOT my imagination and that someone REALLY IS going into all of my accounts and changing stuff has actually been a relief as I know now I am not crazy. It really IS someone else. They cancelled 3 subscriptions. So you may think you are so clever behind that keyboard. But hiding behind annonimity is not courageous ~ it is you being a COWARD. Deliberatly and diabolically trying to sabotage my life by infiltrating my accounts is down right evil.

Keep it up Mr. Fire HD tablet,..... the more you use your internet to troll and harass me? The more the police have a chance of catching you,...

So keep it up as we WILL catch you. And then YOU can be humiliated and shamed. Because you better believe that the minute I find out your name - you are going to be SHAMED on this blog and every social media account I have. And because you ILLEGALLY used my password to gain entry into my Facebook and blog accounts,... you will be CHARGED. What you are doing now has crossed the line and is now not just harrassment ~ it is Illegal and we are coming after you

By the way, I got another pop up on Facebook asking if "I am ok?" - I haven't posted on there and have deleted five years of my posts so why do they think I am in trouble? Because someone is telling them that. And today we found out what device they are using,....

You may want to go away on vacation as we are getting really, really close to finding out who you are,...

A Fire HD tablet user living here in Fergus, Ontario,.... won't be long now before we have a name and address

Ok Troll - YOU WIN. I just can't take the intrusion anymore!

*** one last post explaining why I have been FORCED to shut this blog *****

Today has been the worst morning I have had in a long time. I woke up, made my coffee. Did my usual morning routine and then sat to turn on my Toronto FC football game. Apple just kept kicking me out after 10 seconds of watching. Not out of the game but out of the streaming site. This has been happening all the time.

I paid a yearly cost of $99 plus tax for the MLS app inside of the Apple app (meaning I had to buy BOTH just to watch  football) so it wasn't a cheap purchase. So you can imagine my frustration when I would turn on a game and it wouldn't allow me to watch. It would throw me right out of the app. So I called Apple and guess what? Someone cancelled the app on me????? WTF? Yeah,... someone has gone in and cancelled my subscription so that it is now null and void. No wonder I couldn't watch any games. I'm mad though as first of all, I didn't cancel it so that is weird. But secondly,... shouldn't I still be able to watch until my yearly pass expires? Apparently not.

Now I am paranoid that someone - probobly the same person trolling me on other social media sites - has my password and literally went into my Apple account and cancelled my subscription to the MLS App. I know for a fact it was NOT me. I love football. Why on earth would I pay $99 for an app and then turn around and cancel it???? Someone else did,... and THAT thought leaves me with the hairs on the back of my neck standing up. Because what I thought was just an annoying troll ~ has now become a big problem. They seem to have access to every single thing I do on the internet. 
So this morning I spent over an hour changing every single password I have. EVERY SINGLE ONE. So whoever is trolling me - good luck now. I have shut down every single social media with a an iron tight lock. Unless you knock on my door,.... you  now have NO ACCESS TO ME AT ALL ANYMORE. I am hiding in my unit with everything shut down. YOU CANNOT GET TO ME ANYMORE.

This life of mine is no longer just miserable. Now it is nothing but harrassment.Every where I turn.

Just being HUNTED by someone I don't even know.

And the "not knowing" is what is making me so upset. Being hunted by an invisable person is very unsettling.

YOU WIN - The plans to end my life are in motion,.... YOU FUCKING WIN!! But just remember,.... when I'm dead and buried,... NOW what will you do with your time? Find another victim? Probobly,.... and destroy their life too,...

I've given up in this life. Every benefit feels like begging,... you have to jump through hoops just to get it and even then they say you did it wrong and you dont' get it!!!!!!~

No loved ones,.... just annonamous trolls,...

No joy (no family,... friends,... grand daughter,...)

No joy,... just poverty and pain

I can't even escape by moving as NOONE WILL RENT TO ME!!! I have the money!!!! They just won't rent to me. Leaving me feeling trapped in a place I am being HUNTED! I desperately need out of here but noone will rent to me

The date is approaching and I am ready,....

Bye bye troll - you win. I will no longer exist in a few short weeks. You drove me to end my life,... you happy??????

NOW who will you harrass for your enjoyment?????????

I think it's time to make a plan

I can't sleep. I have so much on my mind. My anxiety level got to such a level tonight that I got out of bed and decided to do laps in the hall of my building. I wanted to try and physically wear it out of me. I hadn't even done one lap yet when I heard a cough. Didn't really fizz on me as it could have been anyone in their unit. So I boldly continued on down the hall. When I got to the bend I almost ran smack dab into Darren Green. WTF!? It was 3:30 in the morning. I was doing laps because I couldn't sleep. What the fuck was he doing just standing in the hall? I was going to turn around and go back but my anxiety was that high I needed to walk. So I did. I walked right past him. But I was nervous. You just can't read this guy. He is so unpredictable I dont trust him. When I got to the end of the hall he walked away to the laundry room. Once he was in the laundry room I scurried back to my unit and locked the door.

I have been isolated away for so long I just needed to get out and walk. It was 3:30 in the monrning and yet,... I STILL ran into Darren Green. There is no escaping him. He seems to be everywhere I go. I was actually pissed off that he has controlled me yet again. I couldn't finish my laps as I don't want to be outside of my unit when he is out and about. He actually scares me as he is so dark and unpredicatable but most dangerous of all is, he can't let go and won't stop revenging,.... I will never be safe from this man. Ever.

I am having trouble with all of my benefits right now. I can't even get the new benefit as I didn't photo copy properly so I guess I am just too dumb to get that one,.... duh,....

ODSP is wanting my settlement so they can send it to their lawyers to see if I still qualify for their stupid fucking benefit. But they never call me back so it's been a real run around. I finally told her if you want this settlement then call my lawyer as I am so tired of sitting on the phone on hold for HOURS and HOURS and HOURS just to be hung up on. So it looks like ODSP saw $$$$$ that I got (which is now all gone by the way it was so little,...) they are now concerned I don't deserve their ODSP each month now. I was so angry I told her to do what she wants,... I'm tired of being controlled and made to feel like Im not worth their fucking money.

Infact this whole benefit thing has just made me feel like a begger. They are dangling a carrot infront of me but "oh no - you didn't do the photo copy right so NO - you are too dumb to get this benefit" They literally had me in the hospital trying to get all their damn paperwork. And now I've done it wrong,... 

So I went to bed tonight knowing I wouldn't be able to sleep. I have ODSP threatening to stop their payments (which they just re-started!!!) and I DON'T get the national benefit now because apparently the hoops were too hard to jump through and I wasn't able to physically walk another 5 km to get yet another fucking photo copy,...

Jump through the hoop!!!!!! Oh,... so sad,.... your too dumb,.... nope - no benefit for you!!!!!!! You can't jump through the hoops??? YOu don't get the benefit!!! Hahahahahahahhahaha

So tonight I sit here seriously contemplating why I am alive. I have to beg for money to survive and even then don't get it,....

My family hates me and I am completely alone. I am just too lonely to go on,...

I want to move but noone will rent to me becasue I have POVERTY written all over my forehead. NO YOU CAN'T HAVE AN APARTMENT  ~  Your a welfare whore who deserves nothing. 

I have nothing,... I go nowhere,... I can't even leave my unit at 3:30 in the morning without running into the evil scum of Darren Green.

I have struggled for sooooooooooo long now. So long,..... I have waited for family that is never coming back. My heart is just broken and I don't care about life anymore.

My body is completely falling apart and the pain is unbearable now. But with no doctor and no consistant health care at all I am only looking at MORE pain in the future. 

Pain and povery,.... I have to do some serious thinking becasue my body is breaking down and I CAN'T do what I need to do to survive anymore. I just physaically can't,... and why should I struggle anymore? For what? Pain? Poverty? Lonliness? Begging for basic needs making me feel like a dirty charity case?

Noone sees me. Invisable,... my heart broken,... I really do think I need to make some REAL solid plans to end my life.

MAiD isn't going to help me,.... My family isn't going to help me,... NOONE is going to help me,...  

I have a granddaughter that I have never even met! I can't live with that,.... too heart breaking

I really do think it's time to just throw in the towel and call it a day and end my life.

I can't bear this one any longer and I need peace.

I've tried,... I've really, really tried. But I am a monster to my family and invisable to society and I am too tired and in pain to carry on,...

I NEEDED HELP

But I didn't get any,....

I know the date,... I just have to get the method that I need to use. I just have to make one trip downtown to Guelph and then my Christmas present to myself is going to be SUICIDE.

Now, I can't wait to finally feel peace.

This is the Canadian Government starving it's disabled

 I am livid right now,...

Remember how I walked over 5 km to get ONE fucking photo copy for the national disability benefit??? Then when I got home the walk was too much and I ended up in the hospital. Remember how HARD it was for me to get that ONE fucking photo copy???

Well I just got a phone call from them. It wasn't good enough. They needed BOTH sides of my id photo copied and I only did ONE side. I told them how difficult it was for me to get THAT photo copy but they didn't care and said they need this done.

So I got mad and said I am not doing that and to just cancel my application and I just won't get this benefit. ALL BECAUSE I NEED ONE FUCKING PHOTO COPY THAT I CANT AND WONT GO GET AS I AM NOT ABLE BODIED ENOUGH TO DO IT!!!! I am NOT going to end up in hospital again just for one fucking photo copy. He should have told me I needed both sides BEFORE I went and got it. 

Fuck this country,.... you have to fucking give your first born child just to get help.

You know what CANADA ~ Keep your fucking benefit as I can't do what you need me to do as ,.... guess what,... I am DISABLED!!!!!!

So fuck Canada,... I am so sick of fighting with every fucking benefit I try to claim. 

I guess you have to be a fucking IMMIGRANT to get what you need in this country becasue being born and raised here has just got me HUNGRY and unable to survive,....

Fuck you Canada

I tried to get a DISABILITY benefit but becasue I am not able bodied enough to get their fucking paper work I dont' get the benefit. I wonder if they see the irony,... but I doubt it as the guy I spoke with sounded BORED and didnt'care. he just said,... and I quote,... "OK then,... we will delete your application,..."

THEY didn't give one fuck about me - NOT ONE FUCK,....

This woman can't do what we need??? Just dump her and move on to the next sucker living in poverty in this country,....

I fucking hate CANADA right now and I fucking hate my life!!!!!!!

No fucking sense fighting this system,... you can't win. And the only escape is DEATH!!!