I’m out of options,…

I’m out of resiliency,…

So what am I suppose to do now?

Because I am suffering,…

Please someone,…

I really need to go,…

I need help to go,…

People with mental illness can’t access MAID. 2 people explain why they ...

I am not the only one suffering,.... 

Why won't anyone help to let us go???

It's October 31st ~ Halloween. Just another day to me. I already have a built in costume. Poverty ridden haggard old woman,... I wont be going out today. I will be staying inside as usual.

I have no schedule anymore. I dont' have days and nights anymore. I sleep for three hours here and four hours there. Like your pet. But I dont' have a 'night-time' anymore. This is becasue when you dont' do anything but watch tv all day,... you get lazy and sleepy. So you keep falling asleep. Sometimes when i get like that I get up and do cleaning. But theres only so much to clean in that 16 to 18 hour day. 

Let me just say the having nothing to do is driving me into madness. 

I am still very upset about this Uncle Julian thing. I can't tell you how excited I was to hear from him, Even if he just accepted my years old friend request. But after looking into everything it was a hoax. That really upset me as why reach out to me in the first place if just to leave me hanging wondering? That to me is just playing HEAD GAMES. So I have come to the conclusion that it was all someone playing head games with me. So it never really was my Uncle. Just some person using his very old abandoned account to ???? what? Why would anyone do that? So there is no Uncle Julian. I still don't know if he is alive or dead. He was an actor in California for years but have no idea if he is in the US or Canada. his trail runs cold in 2011. So imagine the hurt that someone decided to use his account to pretend he was alive by accepting my friend request but then NOTHING. Just wanting to upset and hurt people. HEAD GAMES. 

I have no one in my life so finding Julian was so exciting. But again I was let down,...

If you look in my phone at my texts. You will see they are all business or scam but never personal. The only friend I have is Becky and we communicate a few times a year. I have NO OTHER FRIENDS even in my phone list. The other people who text just want something from me. Housing,... ODSP,... or scammers. I get scammers every day. 

When noone is interested in you except for negative reasons. It hurts. I am trying to work up the courage to delete Michelle and Hayley from my phone. michelle has blocked me anyway but atleast i still have her phone number. Hayley hasn't blocked me but it's clear I have no more relationship with them anymore. I can't help thinking it would be healthier for me to just delete them right off of my phone. Becasue seeing their names everyday is painful. Maybe I need to make a consious decdicion to permanantly cut them off. That way there is never an expectation or hope that things will get better. i think deleting them tells my brain it's over. Let them go and move on. THEY know where you live and if they want you THEY can now reach out. But right now seeing their names in my phone is just a reminder I am a failure and they dont' like me or want me in their life. 

Delting them is just a fianl goodbye. No more hope. Because hope is soul destorying. It never ends up in my favour,... 

I can't face them or anyone anymore. So as of today ~ I have consciously let Michelle and Hayley go,... They are free.

And now my hope is gone.

So I am back to day 32 of my self exile from life. Sequestering myself away inside my unit. I only go out to get the mail and take the garbage out now. And last night I thought I would do that at 2:30am. I thought everyone will be asleep and it will be safe for me to go out and do a few laps in the hall to try and expend some of this pent up anxiety i can't seem to shift. But on my first lap just as I was rounding the bend in the hall - i heard Darrens door start to open. Running into Darren is not on the cards for me so I happened to be at the garbage room so I pretended I was bringing my garbage out and went in there. As soon as he saw me he right away went back inside and shut his door. HE CAN'T FACE ME. He knows what he has done to me is wrong and nasty and he can't face me. I avoid him just to avoid drama. But when he sees me he runs away like a rat,... he knows he is a little shit that has caused me no end of drama. COWARD. So I can't even go out of my apartment in the middle of the night now as I still run into that damn kid. During the day it's Tonya and during the night it's Darren,... so i just avoid them both by never coming out of my apartment. It just isn't worth the agravation with those two,...

I have decided to give up on groceries too. it's just too damn hard to get them. I have lived off of milk and cereal before and I can do it again. 

The chores of day to day living and surviving are just too hard for me now and I give up.

I give up

I give up

I give up

I will just sit here rotting waiting to die 

Wow,... what a waste of a life I am,.....

I think I have been scammed

  I don't think my Uncle Julian (a.k.a. Donald) is even alive. But this is the weirdest thing. I sent a friend request to his profile page on Facebook many years ago. I know it's his real page as a mutaul relative (who has since passed away) is on his friend list. And has been for years.

So getting a notification that he suddenly accepted my friend request was so exciting. I instantly sent him a message.

*** crickets ***

So I took a look at his profile. It's his. But he hasn't posted since 2011. It doesn't look like he's even been on it in 13 years. So how did he accept my friend request? I have to believe that someone else has access to his profile right now. Why they would accept my friend request and then totally ignore me when I message is just weird. This whole thing is hinky. So I have to use my common sense and realize it isn't him on his profile. I don't know WHO it is,... but it can't be him. His profile practically has dust all over it it's so abandoned. The whole thing is just weird.

So in conclusion I am closing this blog back up and going back into seclusion.

I don't know who sent that request but it was cruel. Getting my hopes up like that and then discovering it's all a scam.

I couldn't help feeling it was yet one more rejection,...

But why???? why upset me like that if your not him?????

He is Alive!

Please Uncle Donald - Julian,..... please reach out to me.

I have had to set this blog on public. I really dont want to as it means I am going to be left open to the folk in this building. But I dont care,...

I started looking for my Uncle Donald years and years ago. We had been penpals for a few years and then he disappeared and I haven't been able to locate him since. It's been a good 20 years.

But today I opened Facebook for the first time in awhile and my friend request for him has been accepted.

HE IS ALIVE

So i messaged him to please get in touch and i put this blog address in the message so he could read what is happening with my life. But in order for him to read it - I have had to open it back up to public.

I will leave it open for 24 hours in the hope my Uncle will get in touch.

What a blast from the past,....

Please Uncle Julian,.... I really could use an ear and a hug,..... your long lost niece,... Jacquie *** big squishy hug ***

panic is setting in

Every morning that I wake up I have to fight off feelings of anxiety. My situation has come down to me becoming a recluse from society and with that ~ comes a lot of negative feelings. And one that I have been trying to cope with is panic. For months now I have been getting these bouts where I feel like I am just entering a panic attack. My chest feels heavy. Breathing is slightly laboured but not in a "I'm having a medical emergency way". Just a feeling of heaviness. Almost like a forboding. A feeling of impending,... ??? What? I don't know. Just a feeling that something is going to happen. A negative thing is going to happen. Is this paranoia? I mean I suppose it could be but my gut feeling tells me no. It is a physical thing going on. Some bouts of chest heaviness,... a slight shortness of breath,... and heart palpatations. It only lasts for under a minute. My gut is saying this is not a foreboding of a heart attack or some other fatal event. For some reason this is more of a "what the hell is going to happen to me" feeling. And that leaves me having symptoms of panic. Like noone even knows I'm alive anymore and I am completely on my own and can't take care of myself anymore. WAHT is going to happen to me now?? I don't know and it leaves me in obvious turmoil. And that manisfests into panic. 

As I type this my chest is so heavy. I have been checking my blood pressure every hour but it is sitting at (my) normal 160'ish over 110. Not ideal but normal for me. Which is why I am lead to believe this is not a medical issue but a mental one. 

I have been sequestered now for 31 days. (Since the last day of Septmeber) I have only come out for about 5 minutes every day to take the garbage out and collect my mail. Other than that I am holed up in here alone. 

Right now I am desperate for groceries. But this issue I am having with my chest and heart is leaving me feeling weak. I have to walk to Walmart with my walker and bring the groceries home that way. It was okay for awhile doing it this way, but now I feel too weak to do this anymore. I just don't feel confident that I can do it. But this now leaves me with an empty fridge and pantry. I can order from Walmart but that always ends badly. I hate paying the "double dipping" delivery charge that always ends up between $15 and $20 dollars. Apparently they have to pay both the shelf picker who gets my groceries and packs it as well as the driver. But becasue they outsource their deliveries to doordash,... you have to pay them too. So delivery becomes a burden I can't carry. But desperation always leaves me using them anyway. I also have had problems with them dumping three boxes of kitty litter outside my door all bashed up with a trail of litter all the way to their vehicle outside. I lost half the litter on the ground! Delivery drivers should be equipt with dollies and other devices to carry the heavy and awkward items like kitty litter. But they don't. They have some kid in a honda who drags 12 bags up three stories in one load destroying the delicate groceries. So I use Walmart only in desperation. And right now I am desperate. 

But part of me if thinking why not just NOT order groceries at all. Maybe just live like a 1940's war front widow living on tea and toast. If getting groceries is this hard?? I am so tired and depressed that just the thought of going out to get food leaves me exhausted. i would rather just live off milk and cereal from here on in. 

Cooking has become a hardship too. Because of my fibromyalgia standing can become painful. it's why I use my walker. I can actually walk pretty good. What I can't do is stand. I need to sit once I stop walking. Holding my body up is painful. So cooking is rare for me. It is just too much work now. I really do need to be in an enviroment where someone does my chores for me now. I CAN do them. They just wear me out and leave me exhausted and in pain. So I am getting to the point where I am starting to wonder if eating is even worth it. I have already trained my body to eat only two meals a day. I have done this for about 5 years now. You can shrink your stomach as I have done it. Not on purpose,... but over time just eating two meals a day has shrunk my stomach. I can't eat a "real" meal anymore. It is too much. My meals are only one thing - not a meat potatoe veg plate but instead one piece of chicken and that is all. Or one meat pie with nothing else. So over the years I have eaten much smaller amounts (to save money and help the budget stretch) and cut down on how often I eat. It has been shown that people have lived off of tea and toast. So maybe I will just give up the luxury of food. And just live like a homefront war widow in 1940's England. It just seems easier than having to drag groceries home on a walker,...

I'm just too tired for that anymore. 

I just feel like every year I sink lower and lower into this poverty. Leaving me with a horrible feeling of why bother and whats the fucking point of suffering 

I am living in a limbo of rotting away in poverty and I'm now too tired to cope,...

I am at a loss of what to do about this so it leaves me with a feeling of panic I cant seem to control.

My God,.... you made a terrible mistake in making me. I wasn't worth it. I made absolutely NO difference to this world except to be toxic and hurt people. You made a horrible being and I should never have been allowed to be born in the first place. 

But here I am,... exhausted and hungry. But I can't leave my apartment to get anything. 

Panic is rising,...

All of my life I have denied it. Pushed it down to the very bottom of my soul. But now I can't denie it anymore. And over the past month I have come to the horrible realization that I am not a likable person. I can't tell you exactly why because I am not fully understanding myself. But the bottom line is I seem to just annoy people. I must say and do the wrong things. A person can 'feel' when they aren't wanted. Even the nicest and politest people in the world give off a 'stay away at arms length to me' vibe. They smile and politely chat with you but noone ever wants to actually do anything with you.

I can remember two times I felt this and ignored that it was 'me' who was the problem. but now I can see with such clarity it is humiliating and embarrassing that I could not see it myself.

Both times were with family. First my cousin Sandy who I really like. She actually looks like me and we are only 3 weeks apart. I only met her in my teens after my adoptive mother Joan got in touch with her Mom (My Aunt Betty) to tell them of me. We met up (Her, her sister and her mom) but then didn't communicate for years. So there was no real relationship with her. But after meeting my Aunt Doreen years later, who Sandy was close to,... we struck up a relationship again. Doreen was my birth mothers sister and Sandy is my birth Uncles daughter - making her my cousin. But we didn't grow up together as I was taken out of the family home and put into care and then eventually adopted by the Morgans where I lost all contact with anyone from the Holyoak family. So it was always them already and me the newcomer. And I felt that. My Aunt Doreen was so warm and kind and loving,... to this day it devastated me that she dissed me. 

With Sandy,... I remember trying to rope her down to a day to get together. I missed my family and wanted to spend TIME with them. But I found they were always "yeah, yeah,... for sure we'll get together,... call me,..." but when i called they were always busy. So one time I got kind of offended and pushed Sandy. I just asked again,... listen how about this date?? And I picked a date a month in the future. She hesitated. And THAT was when i knew she didn't actually want to. I pushed one more time just to make sure. I literally forced her to give me an anser. WHEN should we get together? Lets pick a date and time now,... but she wouldnt. So I just pretended all was ok but knew Sandy didn't like me. She was just being polite. So I let her go and never contacted her again and surprize surprize she never contacted me either. She never ever wanted to in the first place.

With my aunt Doreen it was the same. She texted me one night and I said don't text,... I'm up nad awake just phone me. But she wouldn't (??) I was confused as to why. She was happy to text but refused to speak on the phone. I did what I did with Sandy with her,... I pushed. I called HER,.... and she didn't answer. So I texted ??? back. I tried phoning again and she picked up and she was drunk. I was a bit pissed as she had made it look like I was just not wanted by her and she just didn't want to talk to me. but in the end she was hiding her secret alcoholism. She was too drunk to talk. I could hear the slurring and sloppy speach. But THIS isn't what annoyed me. I was an open book to her yet she hid this problem. Her daughter had already told me so i alaready knew. But for her not to trust me and just end the relationship becasue I caught her addiction. I had an addiction so I dont' know why she couldn't share hers with me. I woudlnt' have cared at all. She is my Aunt Doreen and I loved her to bits. Alcoholic or not. For her to openly not anser the phone really hurt me. And I lost it and told her never o bother contacting me again and she never has. THAT hurt too,... as I figured that maybe in the morning she would have texted back when she was sober. But I never heard from her again. And that told me - I wasn't worth it to her. I wasn't worht the conversation to fix it. We have never had a relationship since that day. It broke my heart. Now back then,... I blamed her. But today I see it is really me. I pushed her too hard because I was hurt and I lost her. And with her,... I lost her family. 

So you see,... I seem to lose everyone and everything because I am so different. People can't seem to understand me or more importantly ~ like me. And over the years I have to confess that I don't understand them either. I just can't seem to fit in with anyone - anywhere. 

And over the past month I have finally seen this. I AM THE ONE who is different and unwanted and unliked. I AM THE ONE,.... ME.

It has been so devastating to learn this truth. To the point I can't even look in the mirror at myself right now. I actually hate myself. HATE MYSELF. 

I think the biggest gift I can give my children now is to just stay away. Give them a life of peace without me in it. So now I know I will never see my children or my grandchild ever again. becasue I don't want to now. I know I only hurt them so I need to let them go and let them live a life they can enjoy. I love my children and the biggest regret I have in life is being their Mom. I wished they had never even been born. I wished I had never even had children. if I had known how mentally ill I was,... I would never have had children in the first place. I would have stopped the lineage right there. Becasue being mentally ill is so very painful. Being ostracized and judged and knowing you are the one they don't like is actually hard to live with, It's a very heavy burden to carry.

Today marks 30 days in my self exile. I can't cope with the outside world right now so I have opted out of it. I have locked my door and closed up all my social media. I even put both my blogs on completely private for NOONE to ever read again. Writing about this realization is painful enough. i don't need the likes of Tonya Halls and Darren Green using it to kick me when i'm at my lowest. They have both already read this blog and know and HAVE used it to hurt me so now I know I can't trust ONE LIVING SOUL on this planet. I need to close these blogs up tight and disappear from life. I feel so hated and unwanted and invisable,...

And I don't know how to cope with that,... so instead I sit here hating myself. Hoping to find the courage to end my life. I am not saying this to feel sorry for myself or to be a drama queen. I say this becasue it is just a fact,... the world doens't need Jacqueline Rose Holyoak. And ending my life would just be advantageious to everyone concerned. My girls can end a chapter they didn't want open in the first place. Now the door is closed. I am gone,... and they can move on.

I am so invisable anyway,... it will be days, if not weeks, before my body is found anyway. Noone will notice I am no longer around becasue I am already a recluse who hides away. Locking my front door and closing my social media makes me feel safer. I just feel this overwhelming need to disasppear from society. To stay away from everyone. Especially the ones I love.

So today I sit here with my scalpel beside me. Maybe today I will find the courage to disappear,...

I wish,...

 I wish I mattered,..

This is Tragic and Scary

I am a baby boomer. I was born in 1963. I am the last generation to have not had the internet and computers in their life from the beginning. My children grew up with the internet and social media. But growing up in the 60's and 70's I relied on natural entertainment. There wasn't a phone or device insight. We PLAYED OUTSIDE and had fun.

I am a light internet user. I only have limited social media. Facebook and Instagram as well as my blogs. (Which I have put all of them on hold as of the end of September. I just felt that social media was more toxic to me than advantageous). So I have decided to take a break from them for awhile.

But even when I was on them, I am NOT social media suavy at all. I know very little about how these sights work. Facebook is about the only one I understand. But lately I have found it to be upsetting. I had to step back and take a break.

I have never had a love for our "new" society. You will have read often how I long for the simple life of my childhood. But lately I have grown very concerned over how our world is turning. I am just going to come out and say it,... I think the internet and devices and social media will be the end of civilization as we know it. In my childhood,... if I saw it in the paper or on the news - I could trust it. And our society seemed strait forward. What yous saw was real.

But roll on 50 years and now you can't believe or trust ANYTHING you read or see. 

AI is taking over our society. 

I know I sound like an old whipper snapper complaining of the new modern times,... but what I see on the internet is almsot always FAKE. You can't trust what you see. That can be unsettling. And it can be evil,... as it is used in some extremely dangerous ways. The evil people in our world have now got a tool they never had before. 

AI and BOTS

For my generation we can be a little clueless to the dangers of just how dangerous the internet can be. I think the younger generations are aware - but are not afraid. They should be. 

I happened upon this video while watching YouTube. It is just ONE EXAMPLE of how BOTS and AI can hurt and even kill people. This is a situation where a 14 year old CHILD commit suicide because of a BOT.  BOTS are not even real people. Which makes this story all the more devastating. This poor kid thought it was a real person he was talking to. 

This BOT was deliberately evil and even encouraged this child to end his life. 

Think about that. It wasn't even real. How can we navagate a society when we don't trust or believe what we see? People are being scammed and fooled EVERYWHERE and it is only getting more and more sophisticated making it impossible to know if what you are seeing is real.

We are headed into a dystopian world where we are not allowed to see the truth anymore and are only fed what people want us to see and believe. The media is far too powerful right now as it controls what we see.

I don't feel safe in this world right now. Scammers trying to scam me every time I open my laptop or email. People who instigate with nasty comments on Facebook just because its fun for them. Nope,... I dont like this new world. Where did kindness and morality go?

Please take a minute to view this video. I am not affiliated with this channel at all. It's just that as a senior and not that suavy on the internet - I was shocked to see what a BOT can do. I didn't even really know what a BOT was. This was eye opening. And after I had seen it,... it left me wondering. 

Where is all of this going? Because to me it marks the beginning of a whole different world. One that I want no part of. 

Bring back the days of one telephone in a household that hung on your kitchen wall with a cord that tethered you to a six foot radious. We had no privacy and we didn't know any better. THAT was our technology. Some of us didn't even have tv's,... I found life simplier. And more wholesome. Life had substance back then. It was real.

Life to me now is just a fake facade on a laptop screen,... the only thing I have that connects me to the outside world is my blog. And right now - thats how I want to keep it. 

So watch this video and tell me you won't walk away worried about your grandchildren on the internet.

This story really is Tragic and Scary

Man is so arragant

Sadly I have way too many hours to fill up each day. And because I have no money for 'entertainment' I have to make do with watching tv. ALL DAY LONG,... (really I watch tv from the minute I wake up until I go to sleep) Some days I find enough to keep me interested but there are other days that the tv just seems to have nothing but garbage on it. Those days really drag on,... 

In watching tv I do find myself streaming a lot of documentaries. I have always been drawn to learning. Nowadays my memory is so bad that I watch a really good doc where I learned so much ~ but a few weeks later I don't recall anything on it. (early dementia I think,...) In some ways this can be good. I can enjoy a program over again as if I hadn't watched it. 

In viewing all of these documentaries, I have started to see the world differently. I suppose my circumstances can also be another reason I have changed my views on this world and our society as well. But just seeing what man does to other man and this planet has been an eye opener. I like to stick to more reputable productions like National Geographic and BBC. They do some great docs. I have been watching them now for a few years now since I have been so isolated.  And the one big thing I have come away with is this,..

Man is very arragant and greedy and has more money than sense.

For example: Dubai ~ I don't care how much money you posess,.. you can't change physics. This country is one of the wealthiest in the world.  And with big money comes big arragance. Just because you have the money to produce something,... doesn't mean it will work. Take all the man made islands Dubai is making. They may look pretty now but mark my words - Dubai is sinking. From all the docs I have seen,... they are building BILLION dollar buildings on man-made sand islands. How did society allow men with money and greed to get into power and destroy a city just because he has the money and a dream.  And a whole lot of arragnce and greed and entitlement. 

Watching all these docs I see many failed HUGE MONEY PROJECTS. Trillion dollar projects,... that have collapsed. There are whole cities that were failed projects and now lay in an abandoned ruin. I mean there are thousnads of abandoned projects all over the world. Failed buildings,... all money wasted becasue somewon wouldnt listen to an engineer tell them the building won't last. But they pay people off to get the permits to build these monstrosities anyway. Much like the sand islands in Dubai. There are actually so many projects and skyscapers that Dubai undertook but failed and all were cancelled leaving billions in lost money and a mess left behind abandoned. 

It's all such a waste. And all at the hands of greed and arragance. 

The reason I think about this is all the poverty in the world. The more I see around the world in this life ~ the more I see that we are all run by arragant rich people that don't care about anyone but the rich. So many people are falling into poverty. This world is a nasty class system and the rich get it all. 

Living in poverty myself has drawn me to see this so clearly. The amount of people on this planet that live in poverty and horrible conditions is appalling. Yet the rich leaders seem to be blind. I live in 'Canadian' poverty. I am lucky. Because there but for the grace of God go I could have had me born in the slums of India or a shanty town in Brazil. They are misery on earth. Yet millions of people live in this abject poverty every day. While some rich guy with more money than sense decides he's rather spend the money on "The Worlds Largest Picture Frame" instead at a cost of 43.5 million. It boggles the mind. 

The money wasted on this planet is obscene.

I may be just an old lady isolated away in a small town in Ontario Canada. But after learning so much about the destruction of this planet,... I can't help but feel glad i am old and will die soon. It does give me pause for what will happen to my little baby granddaughter though. What will her world be like? If it hasn't been destroyed already by the time she is 50. 

There is a huge lesson here about humanity. But it seems to be lost on the rich and powerful. They are so blinded with greed of always wanting more - they forget about the people in need. 

But I don't forget. Because I am one of billions on this planet that doesn't have a nice life because of poverty. I may not live in slums or shanty towns,.. but my life is not easy and it definitely has left me in despair. 

We should have learned from our past,... but we never will. As long as the wrong people run our countries - the poor will get poorer. And we will continue to suffer. While the Putins and the Kim Jong Uns are alive ~ good people will be abandoned and left to miserable lives.

Maybe it's because I'm older and wiser (wiser may be a stretch) or maybe it's because I live down here now that I am just much more aware of the injustices of the world. Either way,... I have seen it. We need more Gandhi's and Mandela's,... but instead we get evil and greed.

This is just another reason I am not so eagre to bother hanging around. Without a thriving lifestyle with money to do things and friends and family to do it with,... there just isn't a point. 

I worry about this planet. I wonder how long it will take before man destroys every last inch of it. 

If you are reading this - do me a favour and reach out to one individual today. Someone you know who is alone and struggling. Maybe a person in your congregation at church or a neighbour. But I can tell you from my own experience,... living alone and struggling is hard enough. But not being seen while doing it - makes you feel invisable. So pick up your phone and make someone you know VISABLE today. 

I can't believe that after all I am feeling and going through,.... the CUNT is still gossiping about me. WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET THIS BITCH TO SHUT THE FUCK UP about me???? I have purposely isolated myself away to HIDE from her and the rest of the world. So she wont see me and find something to cause drama about. I thought sequestering myself away and NOT TALKING TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING would stop the gossip. Out of sight,... out of mind,.... but it didn't.

Instead I heard her out in the hall talking to other people about me. Apparently she knows exactly what is going on with me. I am mentally ill and going through a crisis and suicidal.

Heres a question for you Tonya,... I have not voiced this to a single human soul on this planet. The absolute ONLY place that was ever voiced was in this blog. So how did YOU know????

She is STILL READING THIS BLOG! She must be subscribed under a fake name and email and still getting my entries. This blog is the only communication I have with anyone,... anywhere. My mouth has been sealed shut for the whole month of October. I have not uttered a word to one person in this building. And that was by design. That was on purpose. If I don't talk,... they can't say anything. But she did. She told the whole floor of people standing in front of her door (I think there was 3 or them there) and told them I am suffering from a mental health breakdown. 

This is absolute PROOF that this cunt is stalking me by reading this blog.

WHY?????? And more to the point,.... what do I have to do to get this bitch to shut the fuck up???????

I can't escape this woman. Her whole goal in life seems to be to tell as many people as she can - anything she can ~ to upset me. Its fucking entertainment to her. 

My door happened to be open again when I heard her. She was in absolute HEAVEN being the centre of attention. The other minions listening attentively and "oh'ing" and "aw'ing" about how awful it is for me. 

These bitches stood there and listened to Tonya tell them all about my private life and hell. And she enjoyed every word she uttered. She was in her glory.

WHO DOES THIS? It's mean and destructive,.... but I guess thats the fucking point isn't it. She wants me to be hated and she is doing a great job at getting people to believe. 

My mental health struggle is private and my struggle alone. It is NONE OF HER FUCKING BUSINESS. 

I can't fight this. I am absolutely destroyed that she has done this to me. Taken my blog - which is obviously very personal and painful - yet she delighted in telling eveyone what is going on with me.

I'm sorry,... I am not a violent person. Infact I have never hit anyone in my life. But in this moment, I wanted to march down that hall and go up and punch her right in the face. How dare you you bitch,.... shut your mouth about other people and their problems. THEY ARE NOT YOUR PROBLEMS AND THEREFORE NOT YOUR BUSINESS. But I didn't. Because I have learned that you can't win against people who are determined and make it a game to destroy you. You just take it and lose. Which is what I have done. She has me hiden away in my own apartment hiding,...

So now the whole building knows I am suicidal and in crisis. Yet,... heres a thought,... You tried to sound so 'concerned' Tonya,... yet you have not done a thing to help. If your so concerned and worried and pretending to care - (honestly she was talking like she was my friend and in my inner circle or something - privy to my whole life!) Telling all of them I was mentally ill and "tsk tsk,... isn't that terrible?" 

But instead of getting angry, I closed my door and cried. Now,... no one will ever take me seriously again. I will always be known now as this loser mentally ill monster that she has GOSSIPED to everyone about. The suicidal loser,...

No fucking privacy at all - I am open season.

So now I not only hate myself and my life - but I hate this woman so bad it makes me seeth inside with anger that she gets away with all of this. Flutters her little eyelashes faking 'concern' about someone when really she just wants people to know about their problems. A gossip of the worst fucking kind.

Now,... I will never leave my building again. I am so humiliated. Tonya Hallls had a field day discussing me and my private business to everyone. I can never show my face again I am that embarrassed they all know.

I can't tell you how angry and hurt this has made me.

I wan't to point out the type of people that live here. I got hit by a car and not one person came to ask how I was or if I needed help ~ which I did! I could really have used some help. But noone came because TONYA had already told everyone her and her friend ~ Diane Kreller ~ (the one who hit me) their side and or version. So not one person cared that I had been hit and really could have used some support. The woman who hit me used to live here and all her old friends and Tonya were more concerned about her getting sued than how I was physically and if I needed help. No concern for me at all. Just whether Diane will get sued. Thats all they were interested in. 

Tonya Halls made sure that people stayed away and stayed on 'her side' trying to get information out of me for Dianes lawyer instead. Under handed and really low,... but it did the trick. I went through that whole car accident alone with no support at all from ANYONE. They stayed away and gossiped instead. 

I will remember that always. Because I have helped numerous people in this building and yet never got help back. Different breed of people in this social housing building for sure.

But because of Tonyas big mouth and sharing everyhting in this blog - I am staying sequestered away. It is the only way I can protect myself. HIDE,... hide,.... hide,.... I just don't know what else to do,...

And this leaves me hating my life and myself even more. 

I can't help thinking that God is punishing me for being mentally ill and ruining my childrens lives.

But I am a monster so I guess I deserve it.

From here on in,... I live my life being punished for the mentally ill monster that I am.

I can only hope and pray my heart stops soon and I finally die of a heart attack. Then the world can all breath a sigh of relief,... but until that day comes,... no one will ever see me again. I am not going out to be a part of society ever again. It's just too painful.

OMG,... I just realized where I can get some fentanyl,... and it is so easy,.... shit,... why haven't I thought of this before??????

Gotta go,... I think I found out how to get my peace.

Hopefully soon this bitch will be dead and buried and will have gotten what she deserves,...

Because I am nothing but a monster!!!!

And I deserve to die!

P.S. Tonya Halls ~ you need to ask yourself why you can't stop reading this blog. WHY are you so obsessed with me that you will STALK me? Because I have asked you in this blog in past entries to have some decensy and give me my privacy and NOT to read this ~ But you continue to,... so that is stalking. Wanting to know what I am doing at all times is STALKING. So please ask yourself why you need to do this and then ~ get some help. You have literally made living here a MISERY for me - yet you continue to gossip,... why? You know I am at my absolute LOWEST ~ yet you try and push me over the edge,... why? What do you get out of hurting me? I just don't get it,....

I deserve this life. I see that now,...

October 21st. Twenty one days into my self exile. Alone with nothing but my thoughts has proven horrible. Now that I have been told the truth,... that I am not liked,... my heart has slowly broken. I can now see myself the way others do. It took 61 years but I finally see it.

I am a monster.

Now I can see why I was 'tolerated'. I was an obligation to people. (She's my child,... she's my wife,... she's my sister,... my mother,... so I HAVE TO!) They were just being polite letting me be in whatever group I was at. I was never the first invited,... I was always the "I guess we have to let her come,..." person. I didn't see it until now. I honestly did not see it until Hayley told me.  And now that I do see it,... I am so humiliated and embarrassed I will never leave this apartment again except to do the 3 chores I have to do. Get mail,... take out the garbage and do laundry. But those will be the only times I will ever leave this prison. I now see me like the rest of the world does. And I am humiliated,...

I can't say exactly why people don't like me. Because I do try. I realize I have been miserable for the past two or three years and my behaviour has reflected that. Over this time I have become resentful and jaded with life. I have gone beyond caring and my behaviour reflects that. But before that,... I really tried. I REALLY DID TRY.

I've always known I am different. But I was on 'the cusp' of normalacy. I was 'normal' enough to fake it to get by,... but not normal enough to fit in and be wanted and thrive. I wasn't the outcast that some peope are sadly reduced to in this life. I was 'normal' enough to fly under the radar. I could function,... and make a life for myself. But it was a khaotic and trauma filled existence. My mental illness was my downfall. I could hold it together for some periods of time,... but then would always crash. And being on my own,... I had no help and had to deal alone. It was not easy. 

And now that I have had a lot of time to think about this, it has totally shaken my whole foundation. I am not the person I have always believed I was. 

Instead I see the truth with such painful clarity,... I can't bear to look anyone in the eye. I am a monster. I am so embarrassed that I exist. I didn't know I was so awful. I didn't know I was hurting people. I was just trying,.... just trying,... but I got it so wrong. 

I still don't know what it is people want from me. I try,.. I try,... I try,... but everything I do is wrong. I just make the wrong choices,... the wrong decisions,... and it shows how stupid and unintelligent I am. I really am not a very smart person. I am sure my IQ is quite low. It has been a deficit for me all my life. I tried to hide I was stupid,... but there is a saying "You can't hide stupid,..." and I am proof of that.

How did i become such a failure and so unwanted??? in the end it doens't matter does it? I just have to face the fact that I am a failure. Noone wants me in their life because I am an annoying cunt that people don't want around. I didn't see it for so long,... but now I do. I am an annoying cunt. A mentally ill monster that destroys every life I touch.

I get it now. I see it now. 

But this leaves me despondant. Becasue now,... not only am I sad and angry about my pain and poverty,... but now I am feeling so stupid. Becasue now I see I DESERVE this life. I always have. So instead of killing myself,... I am going to live a long and painful and empty life alone. Becasue thats what I deserve.

Becasue Jacquie Rose Holyoak is a mentally ill monster that doesn't deserve to breath,....

I deserve to be punished. And living this life is definitely a punishment. Before,... I thought I was being treated unfairly. But now,... I see it is just the punishment that has been given to me for being such an annoying cunt to people all their lives.

So I will take my punishemnt and sit here in the dark every day. Suffering,... becasue I deserve it. I am a mentally ill monster and I deserve NOTHING! Except to suffer for destroying my childrens lives.

YOU ARE NOTHING Jacquie,... You are lower than the lowest of the low and you deserve to suffer,....

Still throwing my life away

I have never before been so determined to erase my life. I hate myself so much I can't even bear being alive. I am planning my death.

I have already thrown away most of my apartment. And this morning, I deleted over a thousand photos on my laptop that I have had saved for years. But they are pictures of my family and better times. And after knowing just how much I am a burden to this family,... I now can't bear to look at these photos. They only bring me pain. So now they are all gone,....

I deleted so much of my life off of my computer today. now,... there is just the bare necessities. 

I have been looking up motels in Guelph. I need to find one by a bus or train station as I know that is where the trail to find fentanyl will begin. I have been making plans,... 

The hatred of myself has taken over. I have seen myself the way others do now. I am a monster. And I just need to disappear. And the plans are definitely in motion now for me to do that. I will not be discussing them on here for fear of yet another person calling the police and trying to "save me" (really folks what are you saving me for?????). 

I am using the money I had saved for my death and burial. But now I think,... fuck that,... I don't care if I have a funeral or not. No one will come so just save your damn money. Now i am taking that money and using it for a motel and fentanyl.

I have never before been so determined to die. I WILL succeed this time because this time I know no one likes me. That is now a fact.

So fuck you world,.... I tried but apparently I failed miserably so I am now just a mentally ill loser that will do what I need to do to remove this burden from this world.

Bye bye,.... I can't fucking stand this world another minute and I refuse to suffer any longer,....

So thanks for the rejection,... and the hatred people,... I can't tell you how comforting that was - NOT!

I felt a leper all my life and hated and unwanted. My fault for being a fucking monster.

But no worries folk,... I will disappear and no one will ever have to be annoyed by me again,....

Been a slice but I'm fucking done.

Motel,... money,... fentanyl,... 3 things that will help me finally die.

When you know you are so hated ~ you just don't give a shit anymore. You are a loser nobody,...

A loser  mentally ill monster that just needs to DIE!

I just want to disappear now. So I have been throwing more of my stuff away. The new rule is if I haven't used it in the past year ~ it goes in the garbage. In other words I only want stuff around now that I use everyday. Everything else is just a reminder of the life I HAD but no longer have. It's too painful to look at. Family pictures,... personal stuff,... anything that showed a hint of who I was and what I was about is now all gone.

Just bare walls and half empty cupboards.

And I am not done yet. Next,... my storage unit. ALL GOING IN THE GARBAGE.

When I die and I am finally found,... my apartment will be empty. There will be nothing of any personal value left. If the girls think they are going to get all my pictures and writing,... etc,... they will be wrong. It will all be in the garbage. If they wanted anything,... they could have come and got it while I was alive. But I was too much of a mentally ill monster for me to be allowed in their life. 

SO THEY GET NOTHING. There wont' even be a phone,... laptop or wallet left. I will make sure that when I leave this world NOTHING will be left behind. 

If you wanted it ~ you could have been in my life and had it,...

So tough shit. You get nothing. 

When I am gone my place will look like I never even existed. My daughters will not have to lift a finger or be put out in any way. I would hate for them to now tell people that I left a mess and they had to deal,...

I leave nothing,... I was worth NOTHING! So i leave this world with NOTHING!

Gone,... hated,... unwanted,... unloved,... 

You can all rest in peace

I AM GONE and so is anything left from my life. EMPTY,.... no longer in existence,....

I was a NOBODY!!!!!!!! and now I am gone and noone will ever see me again.

I no longer exist

It is Wednesday October 16th 2024. I have not talked to a human being for 16 days except to say Thank you to Becky when she dropped off a Thanksgiving dinner to me on Monday. But even that was just a one minute hand off. She hugged me and got back into the car and left. I bet you not more than 25 words were exchanged. It actually felt odd seeing and touching another human being. I have been isolated away for so long now. Sixteen days since I started this self exhile. If you dont' think that is a big deal I challenge you to not see or talk to another person while isolating in your home or apartment. There is a reason prisons use isolation as punishment. It messes with your head! My life before this self exile was already lonely but at least I still said hello to folk in the hall. Now I purposely avoid eye contact and just walk by. I dont' want to talk to anyone,...

I can feel myself sliding into madness now. I am deteriorating. 

No human touch,...

No human interaction at all,...

Just me and my own thoughts. Horrifying. Overwhelming. 

I don't open the curtains and blinds anymore. It is just a reminder that there is a world out there that doesn't want me. better to keep everything closed. if I cna't see the outside world then i can pretend it doesn't exist. If I hide inside here - no one can hurt me. No human contact = no drama. 

This mentally ill monster is hiding away now. I don't want to see the world anymore,... I just want to be left alone now. No one can tell me how bad I am if I don't see anyone. I don't answer the door or the phone or texts anymore. but heres the joke,... no one comes to my door,... no one calls my phone,... no one texts anymore. no one wants to because I am a monster.

So I stay away. Protect my children by not being in their lives. I can't hurt them if I dont see or communicate with them. I will just act like I am DEAD to them. Then they no longer have to feel so abused by me. I will pretend I am DEAD. Michelle and Hayley no longer have a Mother anymore. She is dead. She is gone like she never even existed at all. 

Have a happy life children,... I am walking out and letting you live.

Bye bye children,... I love you both but I cna't bear the rejection so I am pretending you don't exist and I never even had children in the first place. In short,... I am re-writing my history. From now on I am a childless woman who is mentally ill and doesn't deserve them. 

bye bye children. I have to let you go to save my sanity. Longing for you in my life is KILLING ME. So I have to pretend you were never even born.

You can't miss what never existed. And missing my children has been devasting so I have to let them go,...

Happy Birthday Hayley - 30 in two days. But I will not be there to celebrate this milestone with you. Instead i will try and forget. becasue knowing you are celebrating but I am not invited is just too hard to bear. I will pretend you never existed,... and then I can't be tormented by your rejection. It's not right,... but it's the only thing I feel I can do to stay sane. 

Never married,.... Never had children,... I am now a lone soul in life just waiting to die.

How humbling to learn you are a monster that destroys peoples lives.

So humbling and so very painful. I don't think I can even bear to know this truth. 

No one wanted me because I behave like a monster.

I AM a MONSTER!

And I just need to stay away from everyone in this world now.

I was on Facebook and got upset,... how many times has that happened??? (Facebook really is a cesspool of nasty trolls)

On one of our community groups a woman wrote in to say she would like to give a $100 grocery card to someone in need. Beautiful gesture. Thats not what I am upset about. It was the comments that followed that upset me. And it PROVES that people living on benefits are looked down on and thought of as UNDESERVING.  I am one of these people. So it offended me to hear such judgmental comments that were made. (welfare is an old term for benefits)

"Don't give it to anyone on welfare - they will just spend it on drugs and booze"

"Don't give it to someone on welfare as they already get so much for free,..."

"People on benefits are just lazy and don't want to work and just want hand outs instead"

These are just three of the commnets. But there are HUNDREDS of them. And most say the same thing. People on benefits are just greedy and aren't deserving of this gift. I was appalled. These people don't know me or anyone else living below the poverty line obviously, as their facts are wrong.  We already make enough?? What a joke,...

So how am I suppose to have any pride or feel good about myself when half of the community thinks I am just lazy and don't want to work. They literally came out and said we aren't deserving,.... DON'T GIVE IT TO US!!!

I'm so sick of this Same as how people think it is my fault that I fell down here in the first place,... that is one that really pisses me off. My own family believe that I am down here because of my bad choices. You can't fight that. So I just let them believe that and don't even fight it. 

So I have zero pride or self worth. And these lovely folk in the Wellington County community page all feel the same. I am undeserving and lazy and just want to live off of others. You can't change their minds. That is what they believe. All I can say to them is "There but for the Grace of God go I,..." 

No wonder I am so angry with society right now. They literally just wrote I am undeserving along with every other person on benefits.

I feel like the biggest piece of shit right now.  You just can't win for losing,....

But to the people who made these comments,... I challenge you to come and talk to me personally. I will give you a few home truths. but people like this ~ don't want to listen. they just want to make us look bad. And THIS is the reason POVERTY is swept under the rug. No one wants to hear about it and if they do they just complain we are draining the system. 

I can't win. I just can't fucking win.

I am doing some serious soul searching today. I really do think I have to just do it. Make plans to get the fentanyl in Guelph and just do it. I can't bear being the low life trailer trash the world thinks I am. Life is too hard already ~ without people against you as well,... it's overwhelimng being poor. But being judged on top of it is very hurtful.

Which is yet another reason I have chosen to hide away and isolate from the world. They can't hurt you if you are hiding.

So I will be doing some serious research today. Which hotel to stay in while in Guelph and where to find the addicts which will lead me to find my cherished FENTANYL. I have the money,... I jsut need to do it. 

Becasue I just can't live this way anymore,....

It's just too painful.

Immigrants

Being raised a Christian has made me a person who believes everyone should have the same fair advantages that everyone esle does. Today I am talking about immigration. I am a fourth generation Irish immigrant. My family came to Canada in the 1800's and settled here ~ as immigrants. So I am all for immigration.

But today I have changed my mind about it. Because in the news over the past few months the whole world is having problems with the people of the middle east. Over the past 20 or 30 years, countries all over the world have been allowing these people to come to our countries to live. We gave them everything they needed. Homes,... money,... health care. Things I - as a Canadian born in Canada - don't even get. So already they are ahead of me just by immigrating into my country. 

This has not been a problem for years. infact with research I have learned that immigration can be a positive thing for a countries economy. But here is where the world lost. Unbeknownst to us,... these folk have had a plan all along that the rest of the world didn't see. The middle eastern people are actrually TERRORISTS and are now starting to take over the places they immigrated to. The UK is desperate right now. I don't know what you call these people. Muslims? Iranians? I am not aware enough to know. So i will just call them middle eastern people. 

In the UK (and in other places in Europe) right now,... these middle eastern folk are terrorizing innocent people in our communities. England has had machete and acid attacks with these immigrants. And Ireland is over run and their is cicil unrest now as the government wont' do anything about it and the Irish citizens are not rebelling. I am sure that Ireland is not the only country this is happening in.

At first I thought I am just being paranoid. But I started to really watch the news and then do some research of my own. And make no mistake ~ the middle eastern immigrants are planning to take over out countries. And right now,... our governmnets arent' taking this seriously enough. England just signed another deal to allow immigrants into their country for the next 8 years. This has outraged the english people. Becasue they have so much unrest as it is right now. 

I am no profit. Infact I am just a nobody. But being home alone leaves you with nothing but the tv to watch. And I have been following everything about the war and the middle eastern people. And what I see is truly terrifying. The English government are punishing the English for rioting and retaliating. And letting the middle eastern peopole kill innocent folk. And why is this happening? Because the British police and government are AFRAID to punish the immigrants. So they punish their own instead. The British people are ready to explode. Watch this space as there will be more trouble coming. 

We - the rest of the world - allowed these people in for years and years and years. Now,... they have what they want. Our country. And now they are going to riot and basically just be terrorists to get what they want. And our government is so afraid to say no - they let them take over. Now these people are having "protest" in our countries. A few days ago,... here in Ontario Canada,... these middle eastern people in a protest BURNED A CANADIAN FLAG! This tells me they don't like Canada,... they don't like the Canadians living in it,... and all they want is to push us out and take over.

I know this sounds bizarre. But think about it. How many immigrants are in your town? And do ANY of them follow the Canadian laws and rules and regulations. They don't. They think they can just carry on as if they were still in Iran or Iraq or the middle east. They still think it is ok to carry machetes and knives. They don't follow Canadian rules. And they don't care.

They have one agenda. To take over and make the world theirs.

As far as I am concerned they are a bunch of EVIL terrorists. And the world is being taken over by them. 

I never talk like this. I usually think everyone is equal and deserves to live wherever they want to live. but over the past year I have completely changed my mind. As in all cultures, it's not all of them,... it's some of them. But that 'some' of them is very dangerous and we should all be very wary of allowing them to take over. They are already in our governments trying to make changed for 'THEIR' people. NOT the Canadian people. And infact,... just yesterday 5 Indian diplomats were removed from not only their government positions,... but from Canada altogher. FINALLY,... soemone saw them for who they were. WHY were they deported these diplomats? It hasn't come out yet in the news but it is hinted that all 5 of these diplomats are corrupt and were involved in MURDER. 

So forgive me if I have no faith in our government. And that I feel like we are headed to a very bad world war three. I honestly feel like the middle eastern people are EVIL and they are coming after everyone on the planet to take over. Sounds like quite a conspiracy doesn't it? but lets just wait and see becasue I feel in my heart,... we ~ the whole world ~ has not seen what these terrorists can really do. The shit I read and see is horrific. As an example? In England a middle eastern man took a knife and cut a 7 year old CHILD. A stanger to him. THAT is just evil. And it is happening all over England. 

The world is immploding. It sounds crazy,... but it is. And I dont' want to be around when the middle eastern terrorists hit my town. I will be long gone. Dead and buried. But for the rest of the world,... God help you. Because there is a war coming that this world has yet to see. And unfortuantely I think the word "nuclear" has even been uttered.

So this is just another reason I want to end my life. I don't want to hang around and watch the world get taken over by a bunch of evil terrorists. So I just tak it on to my list of why I need to die. 

Living in pain and poverty and knowing your family thinks your a bad person is already unbearable. But to have nothing to do except watch the news and see the evil and destruction in our world right now ~ it's just so disheartening. I long for the 1970's,... when things were peaceful and I felt wanted and loved. But it's not the 1970's. 

No,... it's 2024. And I hate my life. This is not the world I signed up for. I'm already unwanted and invisable. I dont' need to watch a war that is so evil I can't bear to hear about it. These evil people rape and kill woman and children!!!! These people are ANIMALS and some day in the near future ~ they will have taken over and we will be UNDER their rule. Sounds crazy,... but just sit and think about it and you will see I am right. Other people see it too,... but our government is so pansy-ass they are too busy greasing each others palms with theri illegal deals,... they have dropped the ball on protecting and taking care of Canadians. And becasue of this,... CANADIANS ARE SUFFERING! I know because I am one of them. And i live BELOW the pverty line. 

This is not a life. This is an existence and it's only getting worse with each year that passes.

I am so clear in my decision to end my life. Unfortunately I am a coward who is finding it difficult to actually do the deed. But the want to be DEAD is very much there. I just need to find the courage to finally get the act done. And with each passing day - I get angrier and sicker (mentally) the urge to die gets so strong that I just know I will have a day where I lose my temper and just take that scalpel and fianlly - in a rage - I will finally slice my throat and DIE. 

How sad is life when all I want is to die? 

I wished I had never even been born.

 I'm so fucking angry that I have to be alive

All I fucking want is to die

Why am I made to fucking suffer????????

How can I make myself DEAD?

I am NUMB - completely fucking numb,...

I am empty inside and now numb,...

I fear I will just lie here and perish,...

I can no longer look after myself,...

I no longer want to,....

I will lie here in total isolation and just slowly die,...

Why does noone see me?

Another holiday alone

It is the Canadian long week-end. Thanksgiving. But just like every other holiday - I will be alone. I cannot put into words the absolute feeling of being totally unwanted. It eats away at my soul,...

And while I sit here trying to pretend it is just another day,... all I can smell is the cooking of other peoples feast. Turkey with all the trimmings,... my mouth is literally salivating. As I know I will be having what I always have - a hamburger. Same as yesterday - and probobly have again tomorrow,... I can't afford food so I just life off of hamburgers and chicken thigh on a bun. It's pathetic.

But what has me feeling suicidal is the fact that eveyone who knows me knows I spend holidays alone. And yet,... not one person picked up the phone to ask if I wanted to join them. Not my daughters,... not John my cousin,... not any family. Because my family thinks I am a mentally ill annoyance. 

So today I sit here knowing that everyone knows I am alone - but no one wanted me.

Hayley was the one who finally got it through my thick head that I am an unwanted unlovable mentally illl monster. No one wants me in their life. I am too much of a monster.

So here I sit on yet another holiday alone - but this time I just don't care. I am so depressed and so suicidal I just don't care.

Today is just another day for me. Alone,... isolated,... and in pain so I can't do anything,....

Maybe I should write a book and call it "The soul that noone wanted"

You know I ended my blog in a way that was abrupt due to outisde people using it to hurt me. And I definitely left it that I was suicidal and wanted to end my life.

Did anyone even check on me? No,... becasue I am a joke to people. Infact I'm sure all the readers were laughing at me. Just do it lady,... you've talked about it forever,... just do it. I think in the end my blog was just a curiousity to the readers on whether i really would commit suicide or if I was just a coward who couldn't do it. But either way,... not one of them actually cared enough to come and check on me. The last day I wrote in that blog was the end of September. It is now half way thorugh October and there has been nothing but crickets,... that tells me I am just a joke to society and no one actually gives a shit whether i live or die. I am jsut a fucking mentally ill joke to everyone.

So I went into my aprartment and shut the door and I have stayed there. Completely isloated and hurt,... so hurt I never want anyone in my life ever again. I instead choose death. If I had actually gone through with it  when I said I would - I would be dead in my apartment here still unfound. THAT is how isolated and alone I am. Noone would even notice I am gone.

What a fucking joke I am to this world.

So today,... I am left so disillusioned with society. 

Please,.... PLEASE let me find the courage to kill myself today.

I can't bear one more minute of this miserable life.

I am an unwanted mentally ill MONSTER! 

And in the end,... all I ever wanted was to be loved,...

What a beautiful day. Sunny,... gorgeous,... perfect day to DIE!!!!!

 Life is unfair. But I learned a long time ago that no one cares. You are a grain of sand on a beach of millions,... If you aren't strong enough to survive,... you will sink to the bottom and suffer greatly,....

But as I am finding out - once your down here - your down here forever. There is no getting back to where you were.

I am an isolated grain of sand - lost in a world that does not see me.

I have long since given up complaining. I just sit here now in misery. 

Alone in isolation

I was not fit enough to be wanted,... so I fell down to the bottom.

If you don't have loved ones in this world - you will suffer greatly.

YOU WILL SUFFER 

I have woken up with a headache. Nothing bad. Just a dull pain. It's probobly stress. I have also woken up unsettled again. I seem to wake up agitated every morning now. I think it's all the pent up frustration that is inside of me not having a release. The only release I seem to have is writing it all down. That used to help a lot. Once purged it was gone and I could go on abour my day. But for the past few months even writing isn't helping. And I have been waking up in state of agitation. I have to sit quietly and drink my coffee and vape my weed for a good hour before I feel the least bit calm and normal. And today,... even after two hours,... I am still in a state of agitation right now. It is a very uncomfortable feeling. Like I am just about to go into a panic attack. My stomach is tight,... like someone is squeezing my guts. I have the subway train feeling again too. For my whole adult life one of the symptoms of my mental illness has been this vibrating feeling in my body. I can't think of a good way to describe it so the best way I can try is to say that it feels like I have a subway driving through my veins. My whole body 'vibrates'. It's odd and very uncomfortable. But the scary thing is I usually get this feeling for a bit right before a breakdown. I know I am heading for a breakdown,... I can feel it. I can feel my body shutting down and giving up. And now the vibrating just tells me I'm getting worse.

Living in my body is not easy. Between the pain of the Fibromyalgia and the symptoms of mental illness,... I struggle,...

Every single day of my life is a struggle. 

I really do hate being so alone. 

And I really hate being alive,....

October 8th 2024 ~ Ninth day of self exile

I need to write,... I am in such turmoil. But as I sit here I just can't get started. This is unusual for me. Most times I open this blog my hands can't wait to get typing. Words are jumbling around in my head eager to get out. I don't even have to think. The words just come out. But today,... I feel different. I think I am actually starting to feel a deep depression now. I have no desire to leave this apartment. I have no desire to talk to anyone. I just want to be left alone to die. 

I am preparing for the winter. I received a gift cheque from my cousin Larraine a month ago and I have slowly been re-stocking my pantry. Now my pantry and cleaning cupboard are full. I have enough to get me through now until the spring. But that is only condiments and cleaners. No actual food. If you open my fridge it is empty. Mainly just drinks. Water,... and iced tea. I am actually desperate for groceries. So I put an order in at Walmart last night. I HATE having to order my groceries as the delivery fee is just so high for me. For some reason they charge twice. Once for Walmarts delivery fee and once to DoorDash's delivery fee. I feel like they are getting away with double dipping. Having to pay delivery twice. It usually adds up to $15 or $20 dollars and to me that is a LOT of money wasted. But in my situation I have no choice. if I want to eat - I have to do a delivery. I bought $150 of food. When they got here - I saw they had no chicken. The MAIN thing I made the whole order for. Irritated,... but oh well,... I put all the stuff away and realize my firdge is still empty. $150 gets you NOTHING nowadays. And that order has to last me for a whole month. A WHOLE MONTH!!!! 

Poverty

So now that they had no chicken, I have to go out myself and get it. I live off of two meals now. I only have coffee in the morning. No breakfast. I have trained my stomach to go without. Then at noon I have a bowl of cereal. Usually Cheerios or shreddies. At dinner I have one of three choices. Frozen meat pie (on its own),... a hamburger with one cheese slice and ketchup, musturd and relish. nothing else. OR, a little chicken thigh on a bun with barbecue sauce and nothing else.  So I already have a limited variety of food.  meat pies,... hamburgers or chicken thigh on a bun.  I am so sick of these foods ~ I can't tell you ~ But they are affordable and filling. So not getting the chicken thighs today was irritating. It's the main meal I eat. So now I have had to shower and get ready to go out to Freshco across the street to get some chicken thighs. I am in a lot of pain today so it is not going to be easy. But int he fall you never know what the weather is going to be from one day to the next so I have to take advantage of the good days. Today is a good day. So I have no choice but to go,... Tomorrow and the remainder of the week are suppose to be bad due to hurrican Helene in the States right now. How annoying that I have to think of so many things just to get food. A good pain day and good weather and have money all have to happen on the same day. And that is rare and usually doesn't. So in the end I usually only get out once or twice a month in the summer and once every 2 or 3 months in the winter. It really does SUCK not having a car anymore. This is what I mean by life is such a physcial struggle now. It's actually gotten too much for me but what am I going to do??? I feel like I have just been left to fend for myself. Sucks,...

I don't like going out now. I really dislike the people in this building. Actually I should re-write that. I would say 90% of the people that live in this building are good. It's the remaining 10% that make life miserable for me and the rest of us. Darren Green and Tonya Halls being my biggest haters. So to avoid conflict - I have literally decided to never go back out there unless I am desperate for supplies. Living in this building has caused me over the past 8 years to go from a nice caring helpful person to who I am now. MISERABLE and wants nothing to do with anyone who lives here. 

So i stay inside and watch tv or clean. those are the only two things I have to do. And it is literally driving me mad. I can't handle the isolation ~ but I can't handle people. My mind is going,... whether with first stage dementia (which I firmly believe I am in) or actual having a mental health decline is debatable. maybe it's a bit of both. but either way,... I am not doing well.

I AM NOT DOING WELL

My anxiety is out of control. My depression has left me suicidal. And my mental health has left me agaoraphobic and unable to deal with any aspect of life right now. So instead of dealing with life? I am hiding,...

I completely HATE myself. I hate my life adn I wish over and over again that my heart would just stop beating and let me die.

When will that be? Of course no one has the answer to that. So instead I wait,... sit here in Gods waiting room just wating to die,...

What a fucking waste of a life,...

New Chapter: The Linda Bishop Chapter of my life

I am ending chapter one of "Living in my black fog" I think I have had a break down of sorts. This past year left me broken,... and I have shut down. I feel like my whole life has been a lie. I thought my life was one way,... only to discover it has all been a lie. And I have been forced to see that I am not a person who is liked. And this has shook my foundation to the core leaving me feeling weak and fragmented and broken. I am spiralling into madness.

This blog will be my last days 

There was a haunting, if not disturbing, documentary made in 2016 called "God knows where I am". It tells the story of Linda Bishop. A woman who descended into her own madness. It is a film of great beauty and tenderness. The first time I saw this doc I was left feeling unsettled. Because not only did this poor woman go through such suffering because of her mental illness, but also because I could recognize so much of myself in this woman!

Synopsis of documentary:

The body of a homeless woman is found in an abandoned farmhouse, and a diary documenting a journey of starvation and the loss of sanity lies next to the body. For nearly four months, Linda Bishop, a prisoner of her own mind, survived on apples and rain water during one of the coldest winters on record. As her story unfolds from different perspectives, we learn about our systemic failure to protect those who cannot protect themselves.

I have been feeling very much like I need to get away from everyone. No one understands my anguish I have been suffering. I, too,... have a terrible fear of mental institutions. I will do ANYTHING just to avoid going back in one. Even if it means hiding away inside my aprtment like Linda Bishops farmhouse. Isolated and descending into madness,...

Living In My Black Fog

Part Two

Sunday October 6th 2024 

**********************************

As of October 1st 2024 I have made a conscious decision to seperate myself from society.

My mental health has been declining due to living conditions over the past year.

I have been having too many issues with a couple of people in this building. I have decided that I just can't take the drama and gossip and lying and hurt any longer. So I have retreated into my apartment and I am not coming out. 

I already only went out for about an hour a day. But now,... only to take the garbage out,... do laundry and get my mail. And all three of those things I now do in the middle of the night where I won't run into anyone. 

I never want to see another person ever again. 

So this blog is a new chapter of my life,...

And I call it,...

The Linda Bishop Chapter

"God Knows Where I AM"

*******************************

Hopefully today is my last day on this earth _ Please give me the courage

Both of my blogs are now locked up. "Coffee Confessions" over on Wordpress has been set to private to author. I am hoping that means noone can see it but in the past I have seen times I can still get in to read it even if it is set to private. (??) So I still worry people on that one can still get into it when it's closed. So I made my final entry and have now walked away from it. I wanted to print it out so I could delete the whole thing altogether. But I don't have a printer. I looked into a printing place doing it for me, but it was going to end up being HUNDREDS of dollars. Money that I can't justify spending on printing out a blog. So instead ~ I set it to private and walked away from it. I just hope noone can still read it.

And now there is this blog. This one was always here for my deepest thoughts I never wanted anyone to lay eyes on. So this one was always set to private. It was never intended to be read. But when I had the problems with Darren Green and Tonya Halls using Coffee Confessions for a reference on how to hurt me,... I found I just couldn't write in that one 100% freely anymore. Knowing they were going to be reading it caused me to hold back. So it started losing it's purpose which was to help me get things off my chest so I could begin my day refreshed. I couldn't write what I really needed to write so the 'therapy' aspect was being lost. I wrote in that blog for 14 years. Thats a big chunk of my life. But it wasn't private anymore. So it became a weapon for others ~ rather than a haven for me. Coffee Confessions is no longer mine and mine alone. The day people who live in my building found it - it was ruined. Tainted,... So now I am moving over to this one to write in.   

And closing that blog is the end of my life. I will tell you why. In my world I am alone. Isolated. So my blog was the only window to the outside world I had. Because I felt so defeated with life and harrassed by the people in this building, I chose instead to shut my door and lock it and hibernate away inside where I felt safe. The absolute ONLY place I feel safe. Locked in my unit. So i don't see anyone anymore. I don't talk to anyone anymore. I have no human contact at all anymore. My blog was the only sliver open for me to see out and for others to know I exist. But now that blog is closed and so is my window to the world. I am now in complete darkness.

And in my isolation I can feel myself going insane. I mean literally losing my mind. I can feel myself spiralling into a place where I know I will never recover. Over the past five years I have slowly lost my spirit. My body drained of any posititivity. Just poverty and pain now. 

I have talked before about the severe effects of complete isolation. And right now I am feeling every one of those things. A person needs some form of human contact to thrive. I have none. I am alone. And the feeling of KNOWING that you are alone and people COULD be there - but aren't - is so loaded a thought that it renders me suicidal.

YOU ARE NOT A PERSON PEOPLE CARE ABOUT. You are not wanted,... you are a burden ~  people want nothing to do with you. I am a defect,... and right now I am realy feeling this. 

I am so depressed and despondant that all I can think about is killing myself. How?,.. Will it work?... will I die?... or will it fail and I will be punished by being thrown back into the looney bin? Half of my fear of actually doing it is the pain,... The other half is the fear of failure. Not dying and ending up in Homewood once again. To me,... Homewood is WORSE than death and therefore the fear of it has me hesitant to actually do the physical deed. Of course the pain is a factor, but the fear of failure is the main reason for my delay in doing it. 

It's my fear that stops me. I have the scalpel. I know what I need to do. I just need the courage to actually do it. And this is where I am right now. Sitting here ~ despondant ~ trying to will myself to pick up that scalpel and slice my throat. But this is a violent act. In my heart I am not a violent person. The act of physically slicing my neck is terrifying. I am having a hard time doing it. 

But make no mistake,... It is the ONLY answer for me now. The mental anguish I suffer everyday is unbearable now. I don't type this for attention as I know I have locked this blog up tight and NOONE will ever read this now. So I don't write for attention or to be drama queen. Infact I resent everyone who sees my pain on this blog and then scoffs saying I'm just a drama queen. It begs the question,...  "What do I need to do to get people to see and understand that my life is now unbearable without looking like a drama queen?" It doesn't matter HOW I say it - it's taken as a joke.  I have written about it in my blog for YEARS but I don't think I have ever been taken seriously. I am just a drama queen looking for attention. I am a joke to my family and this society.

There is no reason for me to be here anymore. I just sit here suffering day after day after day in complete isolation. I can't even get out for groceries anymore,... I'm pathetic.

So now I will write in this blog ~ completely private with absolutely no one ever reading it ~ until I can fianlly bring myself to pick up that scalpel and slice my throat until I bleed out and die. It's going to be so truamatizing and painful. It's definitely NOT how I want to go. But I just feel invisable to this world and don't have what I need to survive. The world has become too expensive for me. I have been priced out of living.

So today is suicide day. With any luck and any empathy from the world ~ I will end my life today.

And finally have my PEACE.

I'm sorry I was ever fucking born,...