I am in deep seclusion now. I don't talk to anyone,... I rarely see anyone. If I do see someone it's a quick hello and then I put my head down and keep walking. I dont' want anything to do with people ever again.
Hearing that you are not liked has left me so embarrassed and humiliated that I can't face anyone. I can never look at people the same way again. How can you try and be with people when you know the truth. They don't really want to be there,... I look back over my life and it has happened over and over again ~ I just refused to see it. Who wants to see and acknowledge THAT truth?
My own birth parents didn't want me,.... then my adoptive Mom. My Dad passed away many years ago and I think we had a wonderful relationship so I don't want to look back at it forensically because I want it to remain a cherished memeory for me. My Dad loved me,.. and if he didn't actually 'like' me? Well,... I am not going to think about that. I want one person in this world to have loved and wanted me,... and in my mind it was my Dad.
My ex-husband didn't even want to spend time with me at all! My kids? Well,... they're gone too. Infact, everyone is gone.
When you see that evidence - it can't lie. You have to come to the conclusion that you really are unliked. And with that knowledge I pulled my head back into my shell like a turtle and I refuse to come out. If I am not a likable person I am not going to embarrass myself by trying to force a relationship with anyone. It would just be fake,... and I don't want fake. If I can't have a real relationship where someone actually likes me - for me,... and I'm not 'annoying' then I would love that. But I have been told,... over and over again I am not what people want. After 62 years ~ I finally get it.
So I am too embarrassed to come out. I don't want to be the pity friend you see to be the good person. Becky was that for sure,... She stuck around a lot longer than most but funnily we didn't actually spend a lot of time together,... She was a nice person. But not even she could put up with me.
I am so embarrassed,... so ashamed,... so humiliated,...
I just want to die
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