I am a monster

They say when you are dying, your life flashes before your eyes. I wouldn't know if that is true as I am still alive and breathing. But I have been reflective over the past few months. And it has left me quite saddened.

No matter how I look at my life ~ I can't help knowing it meant nothing. 

I have always had this belief about what life is. I think that in the universe before earth, we were souls. I believe that while up in 'heaven' your soul makes a plan. You life is planned already before you are even born. It's like your biography is already written. You are born to live that plan. Souls are joined up with other souls they are already connected to in past lives. That is what makes the love between families. They belong together so no matter what ~ your family is your life.

But I believe my soul got 're-routed' when i was adopted. I firmly believe that my 'planned path' was broken when I was born into one family and then abandoned and put into foster care and then eventually my 'adoptive' family. I think my soul was forever fucked up when my 'plan' was broken.

I loved my adoptive family. They were good for me. They gave me stability and consistency which allowed me to feel like I was wanted. Infact, for my childhood years I was very happy. I didn't want for anything. But thats how children are. As long as their needs are met they are happy. 

It wasn't until my adulthood that things went wrong. I would meet people and think I was liked. I thought people really actually had feelings for me and cared what happened to me over my life. But  I discovered that wasn't true.

The love I received from my adoptive family ~ had conditions. And the older and more mentally ill I got - the less my family liked me. They tried hiding it but after things happened I realized they were just fulfilling their obligation. They adopted me - theywere stuck with me. I didn't see it. I was so blind. I thought I was wanted.

But things happened,... invitations given to other family members but I wasn't included. (embarrassed? ashamed?) My ex-husband couldn't stand to even be home with me and therefore spent most of his time away from me and our home. Working,... baseball,... drinking and being with friends,... but he never wanted to be with me. I often wonder why he wanted to marry me? Becasue he sure didnt' show much emotiong or effection to me. Infact I can remember I hated the sound of the front door closing as it was him leaving,... always leaving,... I was never wanted.

My mother, in the end, couldn't even hide her disdain. I remember her dying and I drove my girls two hours to see her - she wouldnt' even look or talk to me and instead gushed over my daughters. She out and out IGNORED me,... my heart was broken. She literally couldn't hide her dislike for me. She tried but was too sick and didn't have the energy to pretend anymore. She just out and out showed me she didn't want me in her life. To be rejected by not only one mother - but two,... left me so broken I could never have another relationship. I obviously didn't know how to have a relationship with anyone. I know this as they all turned on me and left me and even though they all know exactly where I live,.... I will forever remain alone. 

So now,... in my senior years,... I am left with the tragic and painful knowledge that I was not wanted - nor was I liked - while I walked this planet. I was 'put up with' until it was ok to walk away from. 

I sadly learned that I was not a good person. I was a mentally ill monster that noone wanted around. That is a lot to get your head around. And after much agonizing I realize I never will.

So now I know my life is not only pointless,... but people activly want me gone,... out of their lives forever,...

And the biggest tragedy of all is I still dont' know what I have done wrong,...

And it leaves me in so much pain I really do wish I would just die. Living is humiating knowing people point and laugh at the mentally ill monster.

EVERYONE HATES HER SO YOU CAN TOO

I have hiden myself away now and i will never have another relationshiop with anyone ever again. NOONE wants me,...

I am a monster