I don't even feel human anymore

 Since I have become a recluse ~ I don't even feel human anymore. I look at others and I envy them. They aren't hated,... disliked,... 

When I went into Service Ontario, my blood pressure was not only through the roof leaving me scared and worried I would have a heart attack or stroke, but I was also full of anxiety. I had not been 'out in the world' for over 2 months. I don't talk to anyone anymore. I am too ashamed. When you know people just 'put up with you' to be polite - you tend to feel shame and isolate away where you are safe. I can't bother anyone hiding in my apartment. 

I can't be a terrible Mom if I never see my children,...

I can't be a terrible person to anyone if I never interact with anyone anymore,.... and that is my plan. I have been made to feel so unwanted and so undeserving i have given up.

You won't give me my OHIP back??? Ok,... I guess i'm a monster that doesnt' deserve it,...

You won't let me in your life? Thats ok,... I understand. I'm a monster. I get it.

But I don't want this life. I am so alone my heart literally aches - physically aches for my children that wont let me in,...

I am a monster so I don't deserve OHIP (health care). That women will never know she put a nail in my coffin. That was the last straw. The only way I can move forward is to go and BEG for health care,...

Noone should have to beg for any need,...

I have been told no by so many people in this community that I hav eto believe that i am blacklisted. Whenever they see my name or number they ignore me and leave me to rot,... she is a monster,.... let her rot on her own until she dies knowing she was a horrible,. horrible monster.

HURT HER - she deserves it!!!!

I'm not going to try and even get my health care back. I'm nost going to beg. I already feel like someone who isn't even human anymore. Undeserving of anything. 

I am a monster that deserves to die

and so i will

DIE
DIE
DIE

And then everyone in the world can rejoice. Jacquie the mentally ill monster is DEAD!!!!!~
YAY!!!!!!!!!!

At this point even I will rejoice as i hate myself so much I can't wait to DIE