My life is now 'before' and 'after'

My life is now 'before' and 'after'. Before I learned I was not a liked person and after I learned I was not a liked person. I don't have an exact date or thing that had a defining moment that was the line. It was more over the past year. Things chipping away at me one piece at a time. It was a gradual knowledge. It was coming back from BC - traumatized and needing someone to care - and noone did. (They were furiious instead and to this day I still dont know why???) It was knowing whatever I did to them was bigger to them than my suffering homeless in BC and desperately needing my family. Which leads me to believe it had to be something terrible I did. Or do,... I'm not sure what it is I did ~ or do ~ so I can't talk about that. But I must be a very hard person to like if being homeless doesn't even get them to extend an olive branch.

It was everyone - and in the end finding myself alone because I'm such a bad person. Noone wants to be around me.

THAT was the realization in the end ~ noone wanted to be around me. So I must be bad. I tried to be a good person. I tried to be caring and kind. But people only saw my mental illness instead. And they thought it too severe to want me in their life.

Do you know what that does to a persons soul??? To know you tried - but failed. And your whole life was pointless. And to know that if you choose to remain here and live on,... you will be completely alone. Because noone wants you around? It's painful. It's more than painful. It's unbearable,.... shameful,.... I can't show my face anymore. I'm embarrassed I'm so unliked. But confused as to why so much???

I am so confused right now. How did I get to become so alone and invisable?

So now I live my life in 'after' mode. And it's not a good life. I used to get up in the morning and turn my laptop on with my morning coffee. Go to my social media sites and catch up. But now - I have deactivated all of those sites. So I no longer even bother opening my laptop anymore. Theres nothing to see. Its all gone. I only use it to bank and blog now. I am hidden from the world right now. If you look for me - my sites will be closed up. I have no connection to the outside world right now at all,...

and I just want to die 

I am so sad and humiliated and ashamed that I can never face the world again,....

so why stay? In the end,.... we all know noone will even notice I am gone,....

what a sad soul I am,... I wish I had never been born.