~ Happy Mothers Day ~

 For years now I have taken it,... "your a bad Mom" Ok, they didn't say those exact words, but telling me they don't want to be around me is the same thing, isn't it? And I HAVE taken it. I have WORN it. And it has made me feel horrible. I have lived feeling this way - unwanted and unloved by my daughters - for quite some time. Years,... It has made me hate myself. It has made me self harm. It has made me sad and depressed and feeling unworthy. I don't think there is a way to describe being rejected by your children. It just hurts ~ right down to your core. And because I believed I was a bad Mother,... I didn't like myself. And life has been very hard and lonely ever since.

But no more

I am starting a brand new life. I have SURVIVED five years of hell. And for some miraculous reason, I have been offered a solution. So I had no choice but to reach out and grab that help with both hands and gratitude. If my daughters can't understand that I was drowning and this*close to being homeless,... then maybe it would be beneficial to me to just cut them loose. I am tired of being rejected every time I each out to them. I am tired of being told my faults every time I reach out to them. I am tired of them just not believing me when I was in SERIOUS trouble and in need of so much help,... I am tired of them thinking I am a drama Queen just looking for attention. I am tired of being made to feel like the worst Mother in the world.

So with this new start comes a new confidence. I am a good person. And if my children don't want me in their life then that is ok. But it makes me sad that a little girl will never get that special love I have to give her. I would have treated her like a princess. I would have been the BEST Meemaw in the world. So as far as I am concerned ~ THEY have lost out as well as me. THEY will never see the great person I really am becasue all they can see are my faults.

As of today,... they know where I am. They know when I leave. It's up to them. But I no longer their punching bag of listening to every fault I have. If they didn't see any of my good traits? Then they didn't look too hard and wanted instead to concentrate on everything I've done wrong. They can only see the bad in me. That is so sad. Becasue if the truth be told,... I have spent very little time with them in the past 15 years so I don't even know them anymore. And they obviously don't know me and don't want to get to know me,... I have learned in life that you are not responsible for others thoughts and behaviours. I can say my peace and then it's in their hands.

I love my daughters more than anything. But I have had enough of being told I am a bad person every time i text them. (I say text becasue they wont' answer the phone when I call)

Roll On BC and a brand new life. I am a strong woman and I will get by. Would I love my children in my life. Absolutely,... but I can live without them.