There is no day and night anymore. I am sequestered away in this apartment for 24 hours a day. All I can do to pass the time is watch tv and clean. The rest of the time I pace around feeling unsettled. Wanting something to do,... needing something to occupy my mind. But there is nothing.

My pain has been worse. It is the end of October and the weather has changed. There is a crispness to the air now that seeps into my bones and stays there. It is pain. And so my mobility has suffered. I am now at the point where doing anything hurts. The only pain relief I have is the THC vape. But not even this is touching the pain anymore. I think all it does now is dull my body so the pain isn't as sharp and intense. But it's still there and very uncomfortable. Pain has a way of taking you over. When I get like this I am not patient. My mood is not good. If I did live with someone I'm sure I wouldn't be the most pleasant to have around when I am in this much pain. It makes you a different person.

So I have brought the bed topper out to the livingroom again and I am pretty much just spending my days and nights sitting in my lounge chair watching tv or laying on that topper on the floor watching tv. But either way it's not fun. The pain can be overwhelming which makes it hard to concentrate on anything. When I am in this much pain I can't read and when I do watch tv, I can't absorb myself into it so I'm not really paying attention. When I get like this my life is one word.

PAIN

And this means that my life now is sitting in a chair,... or lying on the floor,... and doing nothing. I don't see people,... I don't talk to people,... with the Darren shit going on I don't leave my apartment much anymore at all. I just hide away inside. I never have a conversation with anyone,.... I think this is very unhealthy. becasue you can get really stuck in your own head. You have all these things going on,... pain,... poverty,... no people in your life,... so it's easy to just get overwhelmed with the negativity of it. I have no other person to talk to to. i get no other perspective so I think I drown in my own lonliness and despair.

I can't change this situation. I have tried. But I am stuck. I have NOTHING to look forward to. Nobody visits,... nobody calls,... nobody cares,... I am alone and will always be alone. I will fucking die alone. What kind of life is this? Its a cruel one. And i'm so confused that people think it's ok to just leave me here lying in my pit - unhappy and lonely - and never connect. Do they think I have a life with others so I'm ok? Do they not realize how bad my situation is? I don't know. Maybe it's just that horrible thought I dont' want to go to,....

I am just a bad person no one likes and therefore no one cares to visit or call,... because I can't think of any other reason someone would think it's ok to just throw me away while I am strugging. 

I'm not asking for money. I think thats what my kids think I want. But it's not. All I'm asking for is your time. I cant go anywere so people have to come here. But no one does. THAT is a very hard pill to swallow because it means your not liked or appreciated or cared about. You are just someone who isn't really connected to any one individual so I flounder around alone. No spouse,... 2 children ~ one who wants nothing to do with me and the other its like pulling teeth just to get over here,.... (I'm just so BUSY!!). And in the end - NO ONE comes and I am alone. 

SO WHY AM I FUCKING HERE? No people in my life,... just pain,.... poverty,... and boredom that is so bad I can't bear it.

My days run into the nights,... My nights run into my days so that there is no day and night anymore. Just one 24 hour period where I sleep when I doze off and I am awake off and on. I am like an animal now. Sleep for a few hours,... awake for a few hours,... nothing to do so may as well go back to bed,.... sleep all day,... up all night,... days run into nights,... nights run into days,... and in this I am always alone. 

Last week I told you that one of my angels dropped by with some groceries. Because of everything that was going on at the time I wasn't able to fully appreciate and enjoy what she kindly brought. There was fruit and veg and coffee and bacon amoung other stuff. Now,... in my position meat isn't always easy to get. And bacon almost never. So this was a real treat.

While I have been on my own for the last 23 years, I have moved around a lot. I had to go where the jobs were. So I never really got to lay down any roots anywhere or form any real deep friendships. I basically just worked and kept to myself. But back then I had money to spare so it was easy keeping myself busy. I liked to walk. Hike really. I would jump in my car and drive to trails and spend a whole day hiking. I would go swimming,... To Port Stanley Beach,...  I would drive to the park and read. I never seemed to have these days of emptiness that I do now. 

One of the things I did do regularly though, was go the local pub every Saturday and watch football. We didn't have streaming back then so the English Premier League was only televised by a UK tv station. So the only way to catch games was to find a British Pub and they would usually play them via satellite. No matter what city I lived in (and I have lived in many) I always managed to make Saturday GAME DAY. And one of the traditions I had was while watching the games I would drink my tea and eat a bacon butty. Thats a sandwich to you non-Brits. I didn't realize at the time that I had created myself a tradition but I had. Since I fell onto hard times I can no longer afford that Saturday pub tradition. So I haven't done this in years.

Fast forward to today. This lovely angel friend of mine had brought me bacon. And today is Saturday. Game day. So I made myself a bacon/maple syrup butty (don't knock it untill you try it) and I sat and watched Arsenal crush Sheffield United 5-0. And it brought back such nice memories of the days I used to go out and enjoy game day with friends. It made me smile. Something I don't really do a lot of anymore. 

So thank you T****a,... my angel,... for a lovely memory I didn't even realize I missed.

Today has been another upsetting day. More people shunning me. It's pretty much everyone now. There really isn't one person who will look at me. And I have no idea why,... So I put in a request for them to send me a transfer application. I know it will take a long time. Two to ten years the woman said. But I have to do something. So I made a written request for a transfer. Where I go I have no idea. Ontario Housing isn't known for it's nice buildings. I really lucked out on this one as it's only about 15 years old and in great condition and well looked after by maintenance. But not many OH buildings are nice. Most are run-down,... dirty,... and have addicts sleeping in the stairwells. So I know I'm going to be going down to a place I KNOW I won't like.

But outside of Ontario housing the rental market has sky-rocketed and I can't even ALMOST afford a one bedroom apartment. They seem to start at about $1400.00 and can go up to $3000.00 a month.

I make a grand total a month of $1308.00

Can we see the problem? 

I don't even make enough to cover rent!!!

I wouldn't even get an application given to me to view the apartment because I don't even make enough to get through the door to even look. So I am STUCK. I really don't know what to do. I feel like I am a prisoner here.

As I have been trying to say all along,.... I don't have any choices. NONE! I either live under a bridge in peace or I stay here and be shunned. It's a horrible feeling when people see you coming and get up and leave the opposite way before you get there. I go out to the gazebo and they all pick up their stuff and collectively look at each other and leave. It's like I am a serial killer who has just been released form prison or something. Everyone seems to be scared of me?????? Whatever has happened I have no idea. Someone has done the best smear and hate campaigne ever and I have been left a leper.

NOT GOING TO STAY HERE. I will put my transfer in but I hold out no hope there. Housing doesn't give a rats ass that I am being stalked by a pscho tenant. As long as they don't have to deal with it personally then nothing will be done. THEY DON'T CARE THAT I DON'T FEEL SAFE IN MY OWN HOME. So I am definitely on my own with this.

I'm ready to sell everything and just rent a room up north in Ontario somewhere. Just me and Maggie. Way,... way,... up north. Where there are forests and lakes and open spaces. Where the sound of traffic doesn't exist. Where I can be left alone in peace.

But that place just doesn't exist and I am shit out of luck again. Shut up Jacquie,... Your just a lowlife disabled person on ODSP. You have no rights. You don't deserve. Your a nobody that society has thrown away. And as long as you don't kill yourself they will forget about you and let you rot. But if you do try and end your life? The cars will come flying out of the woodwork lights and sirens to make sure they save you and therefore sentence you to a future life of misery and struggle. THATS ok,... just don't kill yourself and they will leave you alone to rot in poverty. 

But I am not going to stay in this place any longer. I am going to look into renting a room instead somewhere. My life just shrinks smaller and smaller with each passing year. Soon I will be completely invisible. How little space can I take up? 

This society confuses me. I have been shouting from the rooftops for a few years now for help with living on ODSP. I have called everyone I can think of. But no one can help. Unless I am willing to swallow my pride and go cap in hand and use charity then I am always going to be living without. 

I dont  use the food bank. I don't ask for money from Churches like some people in this building. I don't ask for anything from charity. I have pride and I find it too hard to ask for help and the basic needs that I should be entitled to in the first place. Why should I have to? My government should pay me enough that I don't have to do without basic needs. But they don't,... so in the end I suffer.

So it pisses me off that I have asked and asked and asked and got nothing. They all KNOW we live without and are struggling. But as long as it doesn't effect their lives directly than they can turn their heads and pretend the need isn't there. But heres what pisses me off. They know we are struggling,... They know our lives are miserable,... But they won't help - they just turn their heads and pretend they don't see us so they can sleep at night. But the SECOND you say you are going to end your life???? They scramble into action and can't get here fast enough.

When darren called the police on me I saw the police car coming. Lights and sirens and turning the corner at such high speed I thought he was going to go on two wheels!... I saw it coming from my livingroom window. darren had shown them my blog and being the piece of shit that he is he tried to pretend concern and phoned the police saying I was killing myself. Of course we know he wasn't concerned,... he just wanted the police to come here and harrass me yet another time as he KNOWS my biggest fear is being thrown in Homewood. He blatantly tried to do that. he knew my fear and used it against me.

So,... you can suffer and struggle and be hiungry and go without medical care and basically live a life of misery. And no one bats an eye. But the second you say you are going to end that life suddenly everyone cares and comes running at 100 miles an hour. You are all a bunch of hypocrites!!!!!! Happy Shiny People DOGOODERS!! You don't mind we don't have enough to eat,... you don't mind we have no transportation to get anywhere,... you don't mind we can't get out to medical appointments,... You don't mind we don't get to celebrate holidays becasue we can't afford to,... we are invisable to you every other second of our life. But you just whisper suicide and the they come running lights and sirens. 

WHY?

Why is everyone so afraid of suicide? Because they have never had to live in pain and poverty and misery,... When all the police and emt's showed up here after darren phoned I was PISSED. How dare you ignore me for years when I am screaming at the world for help??? As long as you all have a vehicle and a home and a family and get to celebrate every holiday,... to hell with us that don't,.... All of the people who are suppose to HELP me have done anything but.  

I could starve lying on this mattress on the middle of my livingroom floor. No one would bat an eye. Because I died of starvation rather than suicide it's acceptable. This world is so fucked it thinks its alright to live life hungry and miserable but GOD FORBID you end it. THAT would be too upsetting and distressing for the Happy Shiny People. 

For some reason this society is hell bent on keeping you alive. WHY? What do they care? They aren't here to help out? They don't even know I exist so why the hell do they care if I end my life? I really do want to know that answer.

If your not willing to help ~ then you don't have the right to tell me I can't end my suffering.

You can't celebrate Christmas with your family and then turn around and tell me I can't end my life even though I don't get to do the same??? What I see from down here is,... " We dont care your miserable and dont' have enough to get by,... just so long as you stay alive and suffer and struggle it's ok" But don't ever end your life for relief. THAT would be too distressing on us happy shiny people.

Suicide is only wrong in the bible. I don't believe in God anymore so it's not my law. Suicide is only wrong because some human being somewhere down the line said it was wrong and made it law. Well I don't care who the fuck says it wrong. THEY DONT HAVE TO LIVE THIS LIFE OF MISERY. And quite frankly to stand by and WATCH  me suffer but not give me relief is INHUMANE!!!!! They don't have the right to say suicide is wrong. Who the fuck are THEY? 

So in conclusion I have decided that the only way to be seen and get help is to say your going to kill yourself. THAT is the only time you are HEARD.

And if you do you can be assured they will say your mental (not mad at being poor) and throw you in a mental hospital. So,... becasue of that,... I will NEVER, EVER, ask for help. I will instead just end my life.

After you successfully end your life what are they going to do??? Arrest you?

How sad that the ONLY way anyone will listen is to cry suicide,.... otherwise your fucking invisable!!!

 Well,... that sure didn't take long to fall apart. I was in a great mood. The weather is nice so i thought i would take thev opportunity to go outside and read. But instead I faced more people giving me nasty looks and turning their backs on me. Even a woman I just had a pleasant conversation with two days ago. 

I've had enough.

So I called housing and asked to get transferred. but of course SArah won't even talk to me as I am "banned" so i spoke with some random woman I don't know and she said it will be atleast a two year wait.

i don't have two years.

I want out of here NOW! 

NOW!!!!!!!

No one is fucking protecting me from anyone here. not Gary,... Not steven,... Not zeva,... and now not Darren. They don't fucking care if their tenants are being stalked or harrassed. Ever since I moved in it is always someone harrassing eveyone but Housing never does a thing and we all just have to put up with it.

I'm sick of being poor,... and in pain 24/7. But to have to live where no one likes you is just unbearable. I am now isoloated inside my unit and I will no lonter come out. 

I will have everything delivered and do my laundry in the middle of the night so I wont run into anyone. i will get my mail then too.

I hope this little shit is happy,.... he has totally fucking RUINED my life.

 I woke up feeling good. This hasn't been the case in a very long time. I think having that "ceremony" or "meditation" or whatever it was yesterday was exactly what I needed to purge all the stress and anxiety I was carrying. With my coffee in hand I stepped outside my door and looked out the window. There were two of the "good ol' boys" sitting in the gazebo. Before yesterday I would be thinking how they dont like me and what on earth did darren tell them? But today? I don't care. I look at them and I actually feel sorry for them. They have been manipulated by a 5 foot 1 - 100 lb - little man. And they don't even realize it. I actually looked at them and kind of smiled. I have obviously let it all go now. You want to follow the likes of darren,... go ahead,... but this I have to say. He treated me this way,... he treated every other friend he ever had this way,... so one day he WILL treat YOU this way. And your going to look back and remember my conversation with you and go "... Oh,... thats what she meant...." and then you can be prepared for warfare against you. I will only sit back - with popcorn - and watch. These people mean nothing to me anymore. if i'm a leper here,.. so be it,... i'm a leper. With these people being the ones blanking me?? It doens't bother me one iota. Letting go has shown me how toxic these people are and that I am well off without them. 

The weather is nice out today. The last of the warmer weather. i would love to go out for a long walk to enjoy it but my body just doens't seem to be co-operating today. very stiff and creaky and sore. I was going to have a hot shower but the water here won't get hot! I ran it for about 5 minutes and it only ever gets luke warm. Yeah! another problem from Ontario Housing. This means i have to fill out forms,... get someone in,... pain in my backside,.... But you got to do what you got to do.

I've been thinking of Christmas Day. I definitely will NOT be celebrating this year. So I have been thinking of something I can do just for myself to look forward to on that day. Boxing day is great because traditionally there are LOADS of soccer games being played. But the 25th? no games. So I will have to think of something else. Movie day? That sounds boring for someone stuck in the house watching tv all day already. I don't know yet. But I think I do have to make some concrete plans so that I don't feel that emptiness and unwanted feeling again on the day. I need to make a distraction. Something that says I know everyone else in the world is sitting with their families opening presents and then spending the day together but I am not,... Anyway,... I have some time to think about it.

 Whew,...

You would not believe just how much better I woke up feeling today. Lighter somehow. There is a phrase my British father said to me once,... "...start as you mean to go on" which is I'm sure self explanatory but I think that is what I need to do. So I made a conscious effert to change as much as I can about my life. Start as I mean to go on,...

I have been holding so much stress and anxiety and anger inside me lately. I knew I had to start with releasing all of this somehow. Having fibromyalgia I can't do what I used to do which is exercise. Walk,... hike,...swim,..dance. Now my body rebels at the work it takes. So I have to find a different way to purge my anxiety. This is going to sound corny and ridiculous but I had a "meditation(?)" to myself. I sat down and literally meditated. I tried to quiet my mind as much as I could (which isn't easy for me at all). Once I felt calm I just made an oath to myself. I consciously let all my toxic feelings for HIM go. Because I know if you hold on to them they will make you sick. So I let it all go. I even forgave him for what he did to me. I think forgiveness is important. It doesn't say I'm ok with what you did. It just says I'm no longer going to think about it or let it navigate my life.I LET IT GO!

It's gone

Now,... I am a HUGE football fan. (Soccer for us North Americans) So I spend a great deal of my time watching soccer. In the morning I have gotten in the habit of having my coffee and watching YouTube videos of soccer. I watch clips of old games,... documentaries of players,... talk of what is happening around the leagues,... I just immerse myself in the whole culture. But one of my secret indulgences I have is to watch YouTube videos of "saddest moments in soccer" (or most memorable). It never fails to make me literally bawl my eyes out. I am not a girly-girl by any means. I am probobly the only girl I know who doesn't care to watch the Notebook or read romance novels. Fashion bores me and I almost always wear soccer gear everyday. I don't care about shopping because I'm not into "things". With OCD I like to keep clutter-free and end up getting rid of "things". I never get manicures or pedicures or highlights in my hair at the hair salon. I could care less what I look like half the time. After showering I throw my hair up in a bun each day and I throw on something soccer related to wear. I'm done. No primping or make-up or doing my hair. I'm a very simple girl. Except when it comes to soccer. So today I put on a few of my sad and memorable soccer videos and I cried. I let it all out. I sobbed when a player died on the field. I cried when he was saved by his teammates. I cried when the mascot - a little boy with cancer - died and all the players cried,... All the sad moments hit me. And after an hour I was all sobbed out. But I felt better. I could feel I had let so much go and was ready to hopefully start fresh once again.

There is so much going on in the footy world right now that I have been lucky enough to keep myself distracted with keeping up with it all. Nothing can stop me from watching my soccer games. Well,.. ok, money could, but I budget well enough that I make soccer streaming a priority and give up in other areas instead. There are quite a few documentaries and series out at the moment about soccer itself and players and leagues. I have thoroughly enjoyed all of these series. I have to say with all honesty,... if I didn't have soccer I would quite literally go mad. When I am anxious, I turn on a game and I calm right down. It's my Xanax. 

My local team ~ Toronto FC from the MLS legue ~ has finished for the season. Embarrassingly sitting at the bottom. Manchester United is clawing their way to stay in 8th place. But I also watch International leagues as well. So there is never any shortage of games for me to immerse myself in. Or a series or documentary to enjoy. So I think from here on in,... that kid down the hall will never be mentioned again and I will just immerse myself into the world of soccer. 

I think when you are this low and feel like there is no future. You have to force yourself to let go of what is toxic and take on what makes you happy. I know in my situation money prevents me from doing almost everything I enjoy (but I have managed to keep soccer streaming,...) so I will just have to dig deep and FIND something that is free I can enjoy. I seem to be like a border collie. I'm great to have around if you just keep me busy. If I get bored I get over-whelmed and need to go outside lol I guess I've always said I am not the kind of person who can just sit in a chair and watch tv all day or sit on a beach when I go on vacation. i am a "do-er" I need to get out there and "do". I will take any suggestions on anything that could occupy my time over the coming winter months i will be couped up inside of this Doug Ford made prison. 

I know if i don't find something to occupy my time and mind I will not make it.

So I throw away the past few months of stress and instead I look forward.

New blog,... new future,... new life,....

And now it's OVER

Phew,.... I feel like a boulder has been lifted off of my shoulders. And as far as I am concerned this whole thing is DONE. Finished,.... never to be talked about again.

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So moving on,...

I wanted to write about this earlier today but other things happened and I never got to. There is a woman in my community who I met from Facebook. She reached out to me about a year ago. And every so often she drops by with something I need. Just when I'm getting really low on something or hitting a particularly hard time this wonderful lady suddenly shows up with a message that she has something for me. Whether it's groceries or something I needed but couldn't afford in she would come and save me. I have friends that I call my 'handful of angels' 5 people who have stuck by my side no matter what I am going through. They all seem to rise above my bad times and understand I'm not at my best but I will come back to them when I'm better. In other words if I made a mistake or behaved badly they still stuck around. They knew between my stress and my mental illness I sometimes found life a bit overwhelming. I have very much appreciated these folks kindness. Over the years they have reached out to help me get a new coffee maker,... or ordering me a Thanksgiving meal to be sent to me because they knew I was alone. Giving me rides when I am stuck,... Picking me up on the side of the road in a heatwave after my car broke down,.. sending gift cards for walmart just when I'm in the most need,...(to name just a few,...) Which I'm sure are just little things to them... but they were HUGE to me at the time. I appreciated these things so much I still remember them from years and years ago. The one thing about living in poverty is you discover REAL feelings of gratitude. 

Not a long post. I just wanted to get something POSITIVE on here after the past few months. :)

 This in now the last post I left in Coffee Confessions:

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Darren Green I have “Coleen Rooney’d” you.

I saw this documentary the day it came out and I right away got the idea to catch Darren out as reading my blog and being the one to leak all my personal and private information. So for the past few weeks I have been deliberately instigating what I say about darren to basiclly piss him off enough that he will lose it and rage. I wanted this because when Darren gets so angry he sees red and then he doesn’t think and instead acts out in the moment. It is his shortcoming. So I knew if I wrote enough to get him angry he would somehow let me know. I figured it would be him banging on my door to confront me or he would come outside when I was out there and confront me. I was really hoping what would transpire would be him coming outside and confronting me infront of everyone. That way I could tell him HE HAS BEEN SET UP AND HE FELL FOR IT HOOK LINE AND SINKER,

What ended up happening was Darren called the police because I taunted him. What I wrote I knew would make him see red. And it did. And he thought “I’ll show her!” and he didn’t even think before he picked up the phone and called 911. So when the police arrived I told them everything. How is darren reading my ANONYMOUS Blog that hes not even suppose to know exists? Unless he got on the internet and looked it up and found it. THATS STALKING!

So now I have PROVEN without a doubt he reads my blog and blabs it around. I have proven that he had no plans to leave me alone but is indeed purposely gaining personal and hurtful information solely for the purpose of using it against me.

Well now he looks a fool. Maybe NOW he will leave me the fuck alone.

So this blog is now at a different address so he can’t read it. It is set to public right now but once my FRIENDS find it (I’ve sent them an email with the link) then they can subscribe and then I can set it to subscribers only and then I can feel safe that Darren Green isn’t stalking that blog too.

You fell for it Darren ~ Hook,… Line and sinker,…

 This is my very last post from my other blog Coffee Confessions:

He difinitely reads this blog so have to close it

OCTOBER 23, 2023 ~ LEAVE A COMMENT ~ EDIT"HE DIFINITELY READS THIS BLOG SO HAVE TO CLOSE IT"

Well folks,…. I definitely have to close this blog for good.

Darren Green just called the police on me and said I am killing myself and that i am stalking him.

what a lowlife piece of shit this kid is.

So I am leaving this open for 24 hours and then it’s back over to blog number one forever. Back to the secret blog that only a handful of you from the past know about. The one BEFORE this one. The one DARREN GREEN the stalker can’t find.

heres a thought darren:

I haven’t contacted you in over 2 months,… But YOU are the one reading my blog and cant let go so whos the stalker darren,… not me,…. It’s YOU!!!!!!

 Now I KNOW for sure I have been black-listed. There is a gentleman here who moved in about 6 months ago. I have had about 5 or 6 pleasant conversations with him and I thought we got along. But he was one of the guys who heard the video of Darren terrorizing his cat and did nothing. Infact the next day he was practiacally hugging darren in the gazebo. Obviously all the guys rallying around him in support. So I have to wonder,... do they condone animal abuse? Or do they just believe darren and his campaigne of hate? Anyway,... I actaully liked this newer kid. He seemed nice. But after he was one of the guys who got up and left everytime I came out to the gazebo it was obvious he is "team-darren". But today I ran into him in the lobby. I couldn't help myself. I just came right out and asked him "Have I done anything to you to upset you?" and he did the awkward "Um,.. ah,... I just don't want to,... um,....i dont ,... " and took off. So now I KNOW for a fact (and not just wonder) that he is deliberately blanking me. Do you know how it feels to have done nothing wrong - except phone the police to protect an animal that was being terrorized - and overnight become the monster in the building. darren NEVER went outside before all this. The day it all happened,... for the next month he wernt out to the gazebo for hours and hours and hours to hang out with these guys. So obviously it was planned to go out there and bad-mouth me as much as he could to get everyone to hate me. And heres the thing the guys don't see,.... every since he got his MESSAGE of hate about me out,... he has gone back inside and doesn't come back out much anymore. Just a few minutes a couple times a week now. So it was obvious it was a deliberate campaigne to get everyone to dislike me.

He has told everyone I am a stalker. For the love of God - HOW does he think this? My last email to him was sent to him over 2 months ago now. My last texts to him were over two months ago now. I have not tried to contact him in any other way because as you can read - I DON'T WANT to contact him or run into him at all. So I have been AVOIDING him. But he has told everyone that I am stalking him. Harrassing him. He told the police I won't stop contacting him. Which as I talked about last post - that was a lie and I easily proved it by showing the police our correspondance and he could see there hasn't been any for over 2 months. So how is avoiding him - NOT CONTACTING HIM stalking???? For the record ~ I AM NOT STALKING DARREN GREEN. I dont call him,... text him,.... write him,.... and I have been the one to block HIM on all social media. So if I was the one stalking?Wouldn't I NOT block him? So I could follow him? But I am not. So this "stalking" is all just WISHFUL THINKING ON HIS PART SO HE CAN BAD MOUTH ME TO PEOPLE. And it has worked.

I would love to see him face to face and call him on this. I want him to tell me EXACTLY what it is that I am doing. Because from my side,... we haven't had ANY contact in over 2 months with each other. I have only called the police on him. So obviously it is the POLICE CALL that has pissed him off and now he has to fabricate an excuse to blame me and get everyone to believe him and hate me. DEFLECTION ~ Soooooo fucking playground. Well,... I don't go to school anymore and I certainly don't like playground games.

So I have talked to a friend of mine and we have decided that with all the evidence I have,... if darren continues to slander me with lies I am going to go to the law van and start a complaint and then my friend will take me to Guelph to start proceedings on a restraining order. I DON'T WANT THAT ~ I wouldn't bother but he is continuing and it is having negative effects on my living and mental health. I can't leave my unit without people giving me these looks like they are terrified of me. What the fuck has he been saying about me???

Between poverty,... living in REAL pain 24/7,.... it is hard enough. But add on the paranoid mental health of the kid down the hall and his hate campaign - I just don't want to bother living anymore. My life has been reduced to HE SAID - SHE SAID childish head games. Now I have choosen to remain in my unit only leaving to get mail and bring out the garbage. This is a hardship for me. I am angry and resentful that this kid has done this to me. Especially when all I ever tried to do was help him. He's an ungrateful little shit who can't even recognize when people helped him. He has "walked away angry" from all his friends. Lee,... Dylan,... Me.,. and thats only from the few years I have known him. I am actually concerned because I know people like Darren can't let go. And until something else distracts him - he will continue to tell everyone I am stalking him. What a joke. There is not one piece of evidence to show I am stalking him. Because I am not. It is all in this kids paranoid mind.

So now,... I'm fucking miserable. And theres not a damn thing I can do to change this situation because being poor and living on $1308.00 a month you don't get options and choices to move. THIS is the bottom of the rung. There is nowhere else you can afford. I am FORCED to live here. Just another reason to go out and find me some fentynal.

Heres a message for you darren green,... You fucking hate me SO much??? Go out and find some fentanyl and put it in my mailbox outside my door (the mailbox you stole the OntariovHousing Memo from) and I will kill myself. JUST FOR YOU ~ YOU FUCKING ARRAGANT ENTITLED LITTLE PRICK. You KNOW you are wrong. You KNOW you are lying,... but you are too scared to admit you terrorized your cat so you have to distract by destroying me. You selfish little bastsard. You know I haven't done a damn thing wrong except call the police on you and THATS why your so mad. Not becasue I am stalking you or wahtever else your twisted mind believes. Your acting skills are Oscar worthy,... so help me out fucker - go find me some fentanyl and I will be out of your hair forever. Do it annonymously if you like,... but just do it. You have made my life a fucking misery anyway...

Another seasonable day. Gray and overcast. The sky seems to be heaving down onto the landscape covering it in a slight fog, I wanted to walk to the grocery store today as i am getting low on some basics. But I will have to wait. My pain level is high today. I am taking longer than usual to just get going. My mind seems to be as downcast as the weather today.

I didn't see Hayley yesterday. I put a "Happy Birthday" post on Facebook in the morning. By dinner I hadn't heard from her so I texted her phone "Happy Birthday". She didn't even reply until after 10:00pm. I wanted to talk to her but she did her "avoidance" thing well. In the end,... I never got to see or talk to her at all. I hope she had a nice day.

As for me a veil of dark has descended around me. For the past year I have been fighting the Black fog. But today it is here,... dark and heavy,... Ever since I learned that MAiDs is no longer a choice for me I have given up. I know if i want to end my life ~ and I still do ~ then i am now going to have to do it by my own hand. And I find this very distressing. With MAiDs I could have had a pain-free exit with my daughter with me holding my hand. But now,... I will be forced to hide away and do it alone. how fitting that like my life ~ i will end up dying alone too,... This makes me really sad. Dying is a very intimate thing. It's going to be scary. And I was hoping to have a support system around me to help me through that. but no,... now I will be forced to stick a needle in my arm and poison my body with fentynl to the point I stop breathing. Someone will now have to be traumatized by finding me,... It is dfinitely NOT what I want. But as usual in this life,... I end up dealing by myself alone.

I was born into a family that didn't want me. I spent the majority of my 60 years on my own completely alone. And now it looks like I will be forced to die on my own as well. It makes me beg the question,... what the hell was my purpose here?? Because as far as I can see? It was to be an incubator to give babies to my ex husband and his wife while I was punished by not being allowed in their lives. I had babies so Jeff and Lorraine could be awesome parents and i spent my life alone,... THAT was my life. 

I seem to have a tortured soul,....

I don't sleep much anymore. I tried going to bed around midnight but sleep eludes me so I have given up the fight. Now I sit with a mug of Earl Grey. It is my daughter Hayley's 29th birthday today. It seems like a lifetime ago she was born. We lived in St. Thomas at the time. A small little town just off of Lake Erie in Southern Ontario. I was still married and we lived in a lovely big house in a quiet subdivision. We weren't rich but we were comfortable. We weren't suppose to have Hayley. I had two high risk pregnancies previously and I was told my uterus wasn't strong enough to carry another pregnancy. So when I learned I was expecting it was a surprize. There was a suggestion of terminating but I wouldn't even contemplate that. So we choose to carry on. I had to spend weeks in the hospital on bed rest before she was born 5 weeks premature. So tiny! So beautiful! I feel in love instantly. I remember those days living in St. Thomas from 1990 to 1994 and they were the happiest I had ever been. I stayed at home with my children preferring to raise them myself rather than go out to work. So these two little girls were my entire life. It is hard for me to believe that was 29 years ago. So much went wrong after that,... so much,....

I don't even know if I'm going to see Hayley tomorrow. There have been no plans made. If she is having plans with her father and sister nothing was mentioned to me. I guess I will just text her (she doesn't answer her phone when I call??) and wish her a good day. I don't have money to get her anything or give her a nice dinner. I know she understands but it still bothers me that I cant. No dignity in poverty when you can't even buy your kid a gift on their birthday. :( So I will just wait and see what the day brings.

And on to something completely different,... I was thinking earlier that people might not understand why I want to die so badly. I'm sure it's hard for others to grasp if you have a good life. But the truth is I don't actually WANT to die. I just don't want to struggle anymore in pain and poverty. So that begs the question what would it take to change your mind and want to make you continue living? That is no mystery. I want my children in my life. Everyday. I want to be included in all the family celebrations,... I want to go on a vacation every year with my daughter and granddaughter,... I want to be invited to spend Christmas with Michelle and/or Hayley,... and Thanksgiving,.... and Easter,.... I want to have joy from the love of my family in my life. If my girls made the time for me and included me and WANTED me in their life,... I think I would be happy and could balance the difference with the pain and the poverty I deal with now. If I had a healthy balance of Love,.. family,...and things to do it would be a lot easier to deal with the negative. Without the love and support and a purpose,... it's not worth dealing with the pain and poverty. I'm not asking to be healed or to suddenly have lots of money. I just want a balance of joy with the bad. My cup is bone dry. I replenish it with nothing. So all my soul knows is pain and lonliness and feeling unwanted,... My soul is tired,... it just feels like it's time to end it now,... Theres nothing keeping me here anymore,...

 I have been quite unsettled since I found out that Dr. R** has officially said no to taking me back as a patient so I can go through the MAiDs process. Becasue now my whole life has changed. For two years I have been doing what I need to do to use MAiDs. I followed all theri requirements. I had two meetings with two different doctors. I waited for them to get back to me and they never did. So in the end I sent letters telling them I thought blanking me and forgetting about me was unprofessional and i dropped them as my MAiDs doctors. I know what they were doing,... Both of them had theri initial visits with me. They both gave me prescriptions for med and then left. NOW I realize what they were doing was waiting for the meds they gave me to "work" (becasue again to them my problem is mental illness not pain) and they were hoping I would say "Hey I feel so much better now I am not going to bother ending my life,...: I'm pretty sure this is what happend. At least it's the better option of just being forgotten and blanked.

And of course on top of that the government had put theri dirty paws into the MAiDs program changing the criteria or credentials of who could use MAiDs. So in the end,... how could I get MAiDs when THEY didn't even know what was going on becasue of the government stepping in. It was all a big mess. And now,... I have been told in no uncertain terms that without a family doctor to help me through the process I cannot even sign up.

So I won't. I'm kind of sick of theri running around and avoiding me anyway. it was two years of maybe,.... well FUCK YOU! Now I know where I stand. For the past two years I was hoping in the back of my mind MAiDs would come through for me. Thats what i have been holding off for,... But now I know MAiDs is NEVER going to happen. Becasue the priviledged and happy shiny people have put theri GOD-like foot down and said no. 

Thats ok. I have other means. NOW I know for sure MAiDs is not available to me I can now put 100% of my effert into doing it myself. I don't know where ot buy fentynl. But I will find out. I don't have a car to get to where I need to go but I will,... I will save up and take a taxi it Guelph. I know where the drugs are in Guelph,... I just need a ride there. And now that I am not hoping and counting on and waiting for MAiDs,... I can just get on with plan B.

I'm not happy,... and this life doesn't allow me to be,... so I'm not going to chnage my mind. Last Christmas was traumatizing to me. It was so painful i never,... ever,... want to go through that again. So I wont'. 

I promise you,... I will be gone by Christmas. 

if you want to help,.... send fentynl,.... it's going to happen,... just a matter of when,.....

I'm so fucking angry at society I can't even be here anymore,.....

 I had a better day yesterday as the day went on. I managed to drag myself out of the pit ~ my mattress on the floor in the middle of the living room ~ and actually get into the shower. I shower every single day. With my OCD I cannot go two days in a row without a shower. I just feel gross. So showering is important to me. So if I am feeling so down and out that I can't even have a shower,... then I am not doing well at all. I thought yesterday was going to turn out to be one of those days. But by the middle of the afternoon I managed to crawl into the shower and from there I was able to start my day ~ albeit at 4 in the afternoon. But in my life,... better late than never getting out of bed at all.

But I haven't been feeling well the past few months. I feel weak. I just don't have the strength in my body that I used to. I don't know if this is a fibromyalgia sympton or if something else is wrong. I have to wonder if it's my heart. I am 60 now. My body has been deteriorating for awhile now. I have lost a lot of mobility and my pain has gotten worse. But lately the problem seems to be my strength. I have found myself getting out of breath. I have felt my heart have palpatations. (galloping beats) So it makes sense to me that my heart is probobly getting old and wearing out. I suppose it happens to all of us eventually. I think not being as active as I used to be plays a part as well. I used to LOVE walking. hiking. But of course with my pain and loss of mobility over the past few years i haven't been able to enjoy that. It has left me sedate. I hate being still. And i think my body needs much more exercise but I am just not able to do that anymore. So it is effecting my body.

I have also had numbness and tingling in my whole right arm. i don't believe it is heart related (although that is a sympton to some) i beleieve it is torn rotartor cuff issues. I still have two torn rotator cuffs that are qutie painful and limit the use of my arms. I cannot lift my arms above breast level making it difficult to do the simpliest of things like dressing. It makes it quite painful. But now I think a nerve has been pinched or something as now my arm is almost always pins and needles which as you can imagine is quite bothersome. It prevents me from doing a lot. Just pushing my walker causes my whole arm to go numb. But with no doctor comes no help,...

Speaking of doctors I have been turned down my Dr. R** for my MAiDs which NEEDS me to have a family doctor to even START the MAiDs process. Without one,... no MAiDs. I am still FURIOUS that yeat another choice has been taken from me due to the decision of someone else. It just seems too many people have control over my existence. Dr Ray could have said yes and made my life a lot easier and allow me to finally end my suffering. But her NO means my life will now be years and years of struggling and suffering. All be3casue SHE had the POWER and CONTROL over me to decide. And she choose no so I suffer with the consequences of that decision.

well all I can say to that is,... Fine,... But don't go all legal and right on me when I end my own life. I TRIED to go the proper and legal route,... but if you read this whole blog you will see I hit road blocks at every single turn. And now,... it's not even available to me at all. All becaseu one doctor said no. when she could have been a descent hiuman being and said yes.

Anyway,.. back to speaking about Doctors. I haven't been feeling well. I'm pretty sure I still have shingles as the itch is unbearable. So I finally broke down and went to the walk in clinic to see a doctor. But he said NO I dont' have shingles as he couldnt see a rash. But I still think I do. The rash comes and goes,... He ordered a full blood work for me which I was relieved about as I still worry I am diabetic or something. But guess what? If you don't have a family doctor,... they have noone to send the results to and no one is able to read them for you. I mean why can't they just send them to the walkin doctor???? HE is the one who ordered them,... But apparently this is not how it works so in the end they gave me the link to the results at the lab. I looked them up but I'm not a doctor,... i worked in a medical office so the tests look familiar to me,... but I can't read the results and know if they are normal or not,... In the end,... I have no idea what my results show. So it was all just a waste of time. And it also told me that in the future,... not to bother going to the walkin as they dont'complete your visit. they don't follow through and look at and call you your results. WHY? When i worked for York Medical way back in the day, I worked for three different walk-in clinics in Newmarket and Aurora. We always took care of blood work and results. We had the doctor sign off on every single test and then we called every single patient with the results. So why doesn't THIS clinic in Fergus do the same? Becasue without that ~ I have no idea what my blood work says. So in the end going to the doctor was a complete waste of my time. And now I know I really do not have medical care at all that is worthwhile. The only way i will get the results of what is wrong with me is to get so sick I will end up in the ER. Ontario Medical has deteriorated so badly that if you don't have a family doctor you will not get the needed care you need. I am one of the ones who fall into that catagory now.

I no longer get proper medical care in this province. Proof  ~ I am unwell right now but even seeking medical attention I still did not receive proper medical help. I was looked over,... and I'm sure I'm not the only one in this province suffering. That is down to Doug Ford and the Ontario Government. 

So I am not well. SOMETHING is wrong with me. but I will never know what until it kills me. Thank you Ontario for you caring in my health. NOT!!!!!!!

 I have woken up way too early. 5;00, My mornings are not nice anymore. When I wake up now, I am in the middle of something in my head. And I am upset. It's weird. This morning I woke up already frustrated becasue I know I have 12 to 15 hours of NOTHING ahead of me but I will have to find ways to fill that time. But there is NOTHING TO DO to fill up those hours. 

The other thing playing on my mind thismorning is the two people on this floor that have made my life difficult. Tonya and Darren. It started by me not having enough blankets to put on the mattress on my living room floor. I have my bed back in my bedroom but there is no tv in there. So in times like now where I am in pain a lot I spend a great deal of my day in bed. So I bring this mattress topper out to the livingroom and I sleep out there so I atleast have the tv to occupy the long hours of my empty day. But I dont' have enough blankets. I USED to but i have given a lot of them to Darren ~ the kid down the hall. When I first met him he had NOTHING. And over the couple of years that I knew him I gave him so much to help him out. An old desk,... a huge tapestry (which I still loved and wanted to keep but he NEEDED it to seperate his room??) He has my coffee maker,...my cat carrier,... comforters,... a boom box (CD/radio) A Manchester United sweatshirt (which is not only worth money but i LOVED it but will never get) I even bought this kid socks. I don't know how he felt about our relationship but I felt like a Mom to him. And we I saw he has so little I enjoyed helping him out. When I like someone it makes me happy to help them. And over the time I knew him I gave him a LOT!  I also gave TONYA the gossip down the hall a lot too. When I first moved here I did the same with her, But after two years of nothing ever coming badk to me I stopped giving to her. She ended up with a 10 speed bike!! a mattress!  and those are just two I can think of off hand.

So when I say that I have never met this breed of people before I mean it. Before I moved into Ontario Housing the people I lived by i had no problems with. For 50 years I got along with all my neighbours. But as soon as I moved here,... people just saw new blood with a full apartment of stuff to "borrow". I can almost picture Tonya rubbing her hands together saying "OHHHHH new person,... I wonder what I can get off of her,..." In the end,.. both of them took me for half of my apartemnt.

But heres the thing,.. I am frustrated that I need half these things back now but will never get. I will end up having to spend money to replace them. My cat carrier especially. And the comforter and blankets I will now need to go out and buy mre of,... But helping people is part of who I am (or was when I was still in a position to help) Right now I feel angry and think I will never help another person ever again,... But,... I don't want this attitude. I enjoy giving people if I am able to. I don't want to have to say no because I may get taken advantage of. I would like to think I would give again if someone needed,... But now I am leary. These two people I helped ended up making my life miserable. BOTH of them forgot just how much I helped them. BOTH Tonya and Darren did not appreciate my help ONE BIT! They just took as much as they could get off of me before I realized and stopped the giving. And when I stopped the friendship they both came after me. Gossip gossip gossip and now I don't think there is one person in this building who likes me. becasue therse two sore losers decided that if I end the friendship they will both make my life a misery. AND THEY HAVE. 

So I woke up this morning cold needing another blanket but knowing it was at Darens house. And this seemed to trigger this feeling of frustration before I was even awake. And i am finding this a lot now. I wake up upset or frustrated or even angry. It's not healthy. But my life is just so one-sidded. Too much hassle, pain, poverty and people taking from me and no positives. nothing on the other side to balance out these negatives.

And so today,.. I sit here at 7"30 ion the morning and all I want to do is die. I just don't know if I can face another day of complete BOREDON. My mind is turning to mush. i cn'at stand the NOTHINGNESS of my life anymore. I lay in bed - cold - and my mind just went how can I finallly end this miserable life?? And that is where I am now. I am sitting here with nothing to do and it's not even eight o'clock yet. What the hell am I going to do to pass the ime today?? So my mind goes wehre it goes a lot lately,... how can I end my life today? I literally sit here and think of ways to kill myself that are the least painful. Fentynmyl is on top of the list but getting it has proven to be difficult. i am not a drug addict so I don't know the first thing about how to buy it off the streets. I think of jumping into the Elora Gorge. But it is a LOOOOOONG way down and it is extremely scary. i know because I have stood at the top of it and contemplated jumping but in the end was too afraid. But now I am getting desperate. maybe just getting so drunk I can't feel and then goind at night - or better yet - when it's foggy and I can't see the bottom. Then I can jump. I think of walking infront of a truck but I don't want to involve another person. (Too traumatizing for them afterwards). But this is how serious and desperate I am to end this misery called my life.

I am very unsettled today. i don't know what today will end up bringing,.....

 I just came in from outside. It's cold. the sky hangs heavy with a forboding grey darkness. I think snow is on the horizon. I am very unsettled today. There is nothing to do. I am pacing. I have watched tv,... and watched tv,... and watched tv,... and now I don't think I can watch one more second. But I look around at these four walls and I know there is nothing else to do. So I have been pacing. Trying to sit and concentrate on the tv but instead I find myself unable to keep any interest in the show. I've seen them all dozens of times. I can't find anything new I like.

Call the Midwife,... Big Bang Theory,... Greys Anatomy,... Modern family,... Coronation Street,... Young Sheldon,... Mom,... Ted Lasso,.... I play them in a loop. Over and over again. These shows are my only view of the outside world right now. These characters become comforting. Familiar. It's so sad to admit but they become like my family. I have very little interaction with the outside world anymore. I spend about 23 hours of my day cooped up inside my unit. I have no car to go anywhere. My legs don't always work so walking is hit and miss if I can do it or not. I try and keep busy with hobbies but they all cost $$$$$. In the end,... there is nothing. just TV and these four walls closing in around me.

Today I am numb. I went outside to vape. I was hoping the shock of the cold air would hit my face and shake out all the cobwebs. Usually a brisk outing in the elements does the trick to wake me up enough to get my day started. But not today. As I walk back from the gazebo a cold sleet falls. It leaves my face wet and cold. When I come back in I am grateful for the heat.

But it is only just after one o'clock in the afternoon. I need something to do. My mind craves something to occupy it. I look around but there is nothing. So I give in and flop on my chair and continue to watch mind-numbing shows over and over again. 

Today i am looking for a purpose to continue on. But I can't find one. My days are empty and I struggle to find anything to fill the endless hours of boredom. I have no purpose. I may as well just go back to bed. Such a dark and sad existence of nothing,....

Lying on a mattress in the dark

 I don't have days and nights anymore. My life has been shrunken down to living in these four walls. I don't leave this unit much. It's just not worth it. That gossip (Tonya) down the hall makes my life unbearable. Her damn lies and gossip have made everyone dislike me. I don't even care anymore. I am so depressed and have given up. I closed all my blinds and curtains. My mattress is on the livingroom floor. I just live on my mattress now. Watching tv. Sometimes dozing off,... sometimes awake,... but nothing else to do. So I just lay in this pit of darkness and rot. 

I want my children ~ but they don't want me.

I have no friends anymore. Just Becky. And I see her half a dozen times a year. 

My life is over. It is 6;15 in the morning. I am still laying here on my mattress in the dark. My tv playing the same 6 or 7 shows over and over again while I shrivel up and disintigrate into nothing. 

WHY AM I STILL WASTING SPACE AND BREATH?

I don't want to be here. I asked my family doctor to take me back so I can go through the MAiDs process but she sent a message back saying NO because you don't need a family doctor to do MAiDs. She is wrong. I called them. TWICE. to be sure. And you MUST have a family doctor to go through the process with. So she either is misinformed or she knows but just doesn't want to take me back. Either way the outcome is the same,

MAiDs is no longer available to me becasue my family doctor won't take me back. Story of my fcuking life. NO CHOICES. So now,... I HAVE to end my life myself. I just have to figure out how. Because living on the floor on a mattress watching tv in the dark day after day after day not even knowing if it's day or night is not a life.

The emotional pain of this existence is UNBEARABLE

THAT time of year again,...

I just saw on social media that Hayley was at her Dads with her sister and the rest of the family for Thanksgiving. She otold me she was at her boyfriends brothers,... I was on social media and accidently came across a couple of pics. I can't tell you just how much it breaks my heart that I get left out of every single family holiday and celebration. I know other families that are divorced. And they seem to manage to spread the holidays around so everyone gets included. But it seems my family has forgotten that I even exist. I realize why my ex doesn't include me. Thats obvious. But my daughters? It hurts me that they don't even SEE that I am completely left out and have to watch them all have what I miss. On the sidelines - not included - UNWANTED. If Hayley had just come to me and told me what her plans were I wouldn't have been happy but I would have smiled and said ok and just deal. We could plan another dinner together another time. But instead she just blanked me. Left me hanging like a 17 year old girl waiting for the football captain to call. hoping,... trying not to care,... but dying inside that the invite never came,...

I don't understand it. It's not all in my mind. A person can feel a vibe or aura or whatever you want to call it,... when they are not a priority in someones life. Infact,... I can feel very strongly,... that if given the option, Hayley just wouldn't bother at all. To her,... I am an obligation. She already has a Father and Mother. And it's not me. She doesn't need me. My role as Michelle and hayleys Mom has been made obsolete. And I don't know how to cope with that. The feelings of hurt are undescribable when the feelings come from your own child. It's devastating.

I don't think I'm going to bother with Christmas again this year. but this time I'm not even going to do a little bit. Last year was so hard I can't go through that again. The feeling of being unwanted on a day when family is suppose to all be together. Nope,... For me,... it is going to be just another day,.... Just another Monday,... when you have no expectation,... You can't get hurt. I don't have any Christmas stuff anyway. After last years fiasco I threw everything and anything Christmas in garbage bags and dumped them in the garbage room. When you are alone as much as I am every Christmas ~ you really do learn to HATE it! It's nothing but heartache and lonliness and the constant reminder that no one has cared enough to even want to be with you at CHIRISTMAS!!!!! So,... FUCK Christmas. It has only become a day of trauma to me anyway. I can't tell you how much I dread this time of year.

If I had it my way,... I would run off to a log cabin in the woods and just cuddle up infront of a fire. I would forget that the world outside me existed. I would eat well. My favourite roast beef and popover dinners. I would eat GOOD food. not crap I eat now. I would buy steaks and roasts,... I would have fruit and vegtables,... I would have dessert after every meal,... And while in this cabin I would write. i would sit watching the snow fall softly to the ground. It would be so peaceful. No Christmas tree. No presents. Just me and nature. 

But this will never ever happen. There is no log cabin. Or the money to buy all that lovely food. There is nothing. 

Thanksgiving weekend

It was the Canadian Thanksgiving this past weekend. For the first time since before covid I was invited out for dinner. My friend Becky texted to say they had an extra place at their table for Thanksgiving dinner and wanted me to fill it. Now for most of you this would be a nice gesture,... you would go,... have a nice time and then move on. But to me, this was a precious invite. I usually spend most holidays alone. Even this year I texted my daughter Hayley BEFORE the long weekend to ask what she was doing for Thanksgiving dinner. She didn't even text back until Sunday afternoon. By this time half the weekend was already gone. If I hadn't had Becky's invite for dinner, then I would have been alone for yet another year. I purposely texted Hayley before the weekend so that she would know I was alone and available for a dinner. But she didn't even text back leaving me hanging. In the end she said her and her boyfriend went to his brothers for dinner on the Sunday. But she didn't ask what I was doing. 

This is such a frustrating situation for me. Whenever a dinner holiday comes around the very first thing I ever did over the years was PLAN AHEAD. Weeks ahead. I would have called my mother to see what she was doing and if she had no plans I would have included her in mine as I actually care about what my Mother did on her holidays. I would never have let her spend one holiday alone. (She never did) But Hayley just doesn't care what I do for holidays. I know this because she didn't even ask if I had plans. And without Beckys invite,... I WOULD have spent yet another holiday alone. This situation has me troubled. My own daughters don't care what I do,.... or who (if anybody) I do it with. Just so long as they don't get STUCK with me. I can't help but feel terribly hurt. Thanksgiving is a time to be with family and celebrate what you have in your lives and be grateful for it. It breaks my heart year after year that none of my family cares that I am alone on holidays. I know this becasue if I cared about someone I would NEVER ever let them be alone on a holiday. It is soul destroying to know you are so unwanted. But I can't force my children to want me. They either want to spend time with me or they don't,.... and this just proves they don't. 

My sole purpose on this planet was being a Mom. But over the years, this role was taken away from me leaving me with a huge hole in my heart. Loving someone comes natuarally. It's either there,.. or it isn't,... and you certainly can't force it. So knowing this I have a very heavy heart. I have no purpose to my life if I am not a Mom. It's not my girls fault they don't want me. (I still hold their father resposible for this) Again you can't force a realtionship. So if they don't want one with me ~ I certainly can't force it. It just is what it is and that breaks my heart.

Dinner at Beckys was lovely. That was the first time i have done anything socially in YEARS. To the point that i was nervous. I feel like I have lost my social skills. Small talk. All day I was anxious as even though I know Becky and her husband Rob well,... their daughter and Beckys father were going to be there and I had never met them. So this was a big deal for me. To go out and "be social" was actually hard. Because of my finanical situation I don't go out. I don't socialize at all. I can't. it's just not available to people with no money or no transportation. In the end things were great and I once I met her father and daughter it was fine. i relaxed and had a good evening. 

Over the past five years since I have been thrown into poverty going on ODSP, Becky has been the one and only constant in my life that I could count on. There have been two or three times she has come to my rescue when no one else was around. Through all my good years I had dozens and dozens of friends. Because I was like them. I was one of them. But now,... being this poor I have nothing to offer anyone. And they don't understand just how serious my poverty is. Most people think I'm exagerating and just whining. I know this as people have called me on it right on Facebook. But the folks thinking this,.. are priviledged themselves and have NO IDEA just how tiring and grinding my life is. They are all retired and enjoying the fruits of their labours. They are celebrating their holidays with their families creating beautiful memories. They are WANTED,.. they are LOVED,... they have families,... they have houses and cottages and vacations. Of course they can't comprehend poverty. Of course they don't believe me. They don't have the capacity to comprehend how miserable my life is being this poor. They have never lived it,... been in it,... or know anything about it. And to top it all off,... some of them have come right out and said I am here because of my own doing. Bad choices, etc,... and to this I say BULLSHIT! I did not ask to be disabled. I did not ask to be put in a position where I am unable to work. That was just lifes bad luck. But to have friends actually believe I have "put myself here" just infuriates me and furthur solidifies my thinking that they don't have a clue what it is like to not even have BASIC NEEDS. I go without multiple times in order to buy/replace something that is needed more. Whenever I have to buy soemthing unexpected, I have to give up something in the food budget to get it. FOOD is always my hardship. I have enough so I won't starve. But it's very slim pickings and not food that is good for you. Affordable food is usually pantry food. I rarely get fresh produce, etc,... Being on ODSP those things are only for the happy shiny people. My diet is horrible and I'm sure thats why I get sick so often. I don't get to eat food that is good for me,... only food that is boxed or processed.

Now that the cold weather is approaching I need to be stock-piling my cupboards as with a walker I can't walk to the stores once the snow arrives. So each year I stockpile as much as I can so I don't have to do as many trips to the store. But this year seems to be the hardest year yet and I just don't have an extra dime to stockpile anything. This has me worried. I have been stranded here without basic supplies before when the grounds were covered in snow and I couldn't get my walker through it. So now I am starting to panic. My cupboards are nearly bare right now. If we had another lockdown tomorrow ~ I would go hungry. I usually plan everything so well, that I know what I need 3 months in advance. But when you have no money at all?? You can't buy a thing. I am actually nervous for this winter that I will not be able to get enough supplies here over the cold snowy winter. 

I hate being alone. Just once I would love for someone to just come up to me and put their arms around me and let me have a safe place to just be,... 

 Things have really gotten bad. Two days ago I walked to Walmart to pick up a few essentials. On the way home the sidewalk had a bump where the two slabs weren't even and my walker stopped and I didn't and I went ass over tea kettle. It was awful. My groceries all flew out of the walker and rolled out everywhere. But on top of that, I was hurt. My shins had hit the metal bar of my walker and tore them. It was quite painful and I was bleeding. This was the first time I have ever had a fall outisde of my home and I really needed help. But there wasn't any. It was five o'clock rush hour so the road was full of cars. But no one stopped. I actually sat there hurt for a few minutes and then had to get up myself. I collected all my groceries that had scattererd everywhere and threw them back into the walker. I was crying,... and my shins were on fire. But I limped home. 

You know when something happens in your life - good or bad - there is that one person you want to tell. You right away call or go see and you share your news. Everyone seems to have "a person". I don't. When I fell,... I was desperate and really needed a hand to get back home. But other than Becky (who was already scheduled to take me to get blood work the next day so I didn't want to use her twice.) So I called my daughter Hayley. But no one answered and her mailbox was full so I couldn't even leave a message. There I was ~ still on the ground ~ texting my daughter for help. No answer to her text. She was probobly working and not around her phone. But they were the only two people in my life. I had no one else to call. So I was forced to either call an ambulance which I would never do unless I broke something, or I sucked it up and walked home hurt. I walked home hurt.

This is my life now. Alone. So everything that happens I do alone. For the first time after that fall I felt very vulnerable. It was obvious my physical mobility was getting worse and I was needing help now. But there is no one to help me. I am alone.

I waited for my daughter to text me back when she finally got to her phone. I think I had texted her "I just had a bad fall coming home from Walmart. really upset. Just want to talk to someone." but got no reply. An hour later I texted "Please call me" But again I got no reply. Finally the next morning she texted "Are you ok? I was at work last night and went strait to bed when I got home."

I felt like she dissed me. Did she? She does this all the time. You text her and she PRETENDS she hasn't seen the text. But we all know that when we get a text we look at it. Whether we open it or not is up to what we are doing at the time. But we hear it come in. And I would think after her shift at work she would check her phone to see what she missed while working. In other words, I can't help feeling like she KNEW I texted. She just didn't want to deal with it. This is not the first,... or second,... or even third time she has done this. It is obvious she is screening her calls/texts and when they are from me she ignores. Which up until now was annoying but I kind of understood. I always felt hurt and avoided but I just swallowed it and moved on. But this time I was hurt and really did need her. And yet again,... she didn't answer my call. You can say your busy all you want to. But everyone can find two and a half minutes to check their phones and answer a text. I believe she saw the text and just couldnt' be bothered. If my Mom had sent a help request like that I would have dropped everything and gone to her. My kids don't do that. I am not a priority at all in their lives. I have said it before and I still believe that I am just an obligation to Hayley that she thinks she has to fill because I took her in when she had no other place to go. But she doesn't really want a relationship with me. I am her burden. When she finally did text me back with are you ok I sarcastically replied in a text "I am now" and there has been no commucication since. 

The family doctor I called requesting her to take me back as a patient so I can go through the maids process called back this morning. Apparently you DON'T need a family doctor to go through the process. She gave me a number to call which I haven't done yet. But I will be. I have had enough of this life and want nothing more than for it to end.

I was out doing laps in my hall yestserday and had two incidents. First Tonya Halls was talking to another tenant and although she wasn't gossiping about me this time, she instead was talking about the poor girl who lives on our floor at the other end. She went on and on and on about how this young girl is having a baby shower but she only wants expensive shit,... blah blah blah,... gossip,... gossip,... gossip,... This poor girl probobly doens't even know Tonya and here Tonya is airing her life for all to hear in a negative way. If I had felt better I would have confronted her. but I wasn't up to it so I just let her talk but I am pissed and feel for the new girl down the hall who is sweet and keeps to herself and talks to no one and yet Tonya knows everything about her and is spreading it around the building. It just irritates me that she gets away with being such a gossippy playground CHILD! 

I never understood the need to gossip. WHY does Tonya feel she has to know about and talk about my life? About anyones life? I have told her to forget I exist,... never use my name,... but still she has to try and pull me into her playground. By lying about me. So I am really UNHAPPY living here right now. I can't even do my 10 laps in the hall without having to deal with Darren muttering under his breath when I pass by "STALKER" or Tonya lying to people saying I did stuff to her I didn't even do. I don't even come out of my unit anymore. I'm not stalking anyone. I'm just walking in the hall.  But this is what I mean about you can't live here without them sucking you into their playground games. I hide away but they still find ways to gossip. What is it about this woman that she won't leave me alone????

I don't want to be bothered. I keep myself to myself. But I am Irish and when you do fuck with me I fight back. And that is why Tonya hates me. She gets away with it when she talks about everyone else because no one else will stand up to her. Except me. I call her out every single time she lies about me. She doesn't like this at all. Has there ever been a person in your life that is just IRRITATING? Like a mosquito buzzing around but you can't swat? Thats Tonya Halls. For some reason she just can't keep her mouth shut about ANYONE. And I have had enough of her bullshit. It just makes living here so difficult. No peaace at all. I hate this place now and no longer want to live here. but I have no other place to go. I am trapped. Living on ODSP in this poverty I have absolutely NO CHOICES to make change. 

Which is all the more reason to just end it all and I will never have to worry about the likes of Tonya fucking Halls or Darren Green ever again. 

 I feel like I have started a different chapter of my life. The beginning of the end. It was my birthday that really solidified how alone in this world I really am. And the feelings that came with that were overwhelming. I just didn't realize how alone I really was.

It's funny how your life happens. It really all depends on where you were born and to who,...

If you were blessed to be born into a middle class family then you probobly had a fairly descent life.

But i was born to a couple who didn't want me so gave me away. ABANDONED

Sometimes i think the only happy years I ever had were from 1965 to 1978 when I lived with my adoptive family the Morgans. They were a steady and loving family that provided me with my first home where I felt safe and loved unconditionally. I was just under a year old when they adopted me. And I stayed there until I was 15.

But when I hit adolescence my life changed. My mental illness - although not diagnosed for many years yet - started to show it's ugly head. And from that point on I just never felt like I ever fit in anywhere.

And to this day,... I still struggle. What is it that is so wrong with me that my life has been nothing but sadness,... depression and feeling unloved. I am so alone. The emptiness of my life drives me mad.