Dear God
I cannot sleep tonight as my mind won't stop turning. And the one question that keeps coming up over and over again is why?
Why do I exist? I am alone - unwanted - unloved - and suffering,... so WHY am I here?
There was a time in my life when I went to church twice a week. Sunday service and then bible study on Wednesday's. I brought my girls to church so they would have a base for a religion if they choose to pursue it later. (they didn't)
I walked the walk God,....
Yet tonight I sit here in such pain I am forced to rethink if I believe you exist at all.
Why do some people get good lives while others do nothing but live in poverty and lonliness? I did what I was suppose to do yet,... I am miserable.
Life is too hard now. I can't even get basic needs anymore like groceries and clothes. i don't leave my apartment for MONTHS at a time.
I have written in this blog for years and years using it as my therapy. But it got me nothing but nasty people using it for their research to abuse me later. TONYA HALLS,.... DARREN GREEN,.... both have used this blog to learn everything that hurts me and then HURTS ME with it,... and they have hurt me more than even they realize. I will never get over the abuse these two put me through. Especially Tonya - she just would not stop!!!! I can't bear her intrusion anymore,....
I am not a human being. I am a thing that was born to parents who didn't want me. I am unwanted. Just one of those people in life who doesn't have a 'charming' personality. People don't like me,... it has taken me over 60 years to finally get that through my stupid head. I mistakenly believed I had a family that loved me,... friends that loved me,... but in the end when the shit hit the fan they ALL LEFT.
My daughter told me "I'm just feeling sorry for myself"
Yeah,... my blood pressure is in second stage hypertention,... I can't feel my right arm,... can't use my hands as they are still all mangled and in pain,... I can't get out to get groceries with no car and the weather being uncoperative,....
I am in PAIN and dying of hypertention
But I'm just feeling sorry for myself,...
Why can't people just see and believe me,....??
But they wont'. When you dont like someone you dont' want to believe it's not their fault. You want to gloat and say I told you she was horrible,... it's like it's almost fun for them to dislike me. WHY can't people just believe I am really needing help,....
This is why I have given up. I have done everything I can to find help. A doctor,... transportation,... I can't find it. But to the world - it just looks good on me that I am suffering. To my family? I deserve it,...
And becasue of all of this God, I struggle to see why I exist. Why was I born if noone was oging to want or like me??? You made me enter this world,... yet you gave me no tools to survive. You gave me a mental illness that has ruined every relationship I ever had and a body that has so much pain I go mad with it,...
So why? You gave me children but took them away so I felt shame instead of love,...
You gave me a family that didn't even 'like' me so felt ok saying I'm a monster and walking away,..
You didn't give me the tools to know how to deal with this world. Instead i floundered alone just trying to survive.
WHY
I am closing up this blog now.
I am invisable.
I am worthless
And it's embarrassing and humiliating that I have written everything here and still,....
NOONE CARED
So I give up. No more blog,... No more Facebook,... no more access to me at all,... after I shut down this blog,... I disappear and noone will hear from me again.
You all had five years to help me,... but all I got was crickets. That told me all I needed to know,...
The silence was deafening and broke my fucking heart. so now I disappear and hope that God will take pity on me and let me die of a heart attack finally giving me peace.
It's been theraputic,... but now it's just heartbreaking knowing they read,... but never care,....
I AM INVISABLE
I AM UNWORTHY
I AM SO UNLOVED THE WORLD WILL REJOICE WHEN I'M GONE
I close this blog with a broken heart knowing I was a nobody,....
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