I had planned to get up early today and walk to Service Ontario and get my health card sorted out. I had phoned them yesterday to see why it was invalid and it was because of BC. I figured that but it was a little confusing as I had used this health card once in Emergency after I came back so why wasn't it noticed then? Doesn't really matter anyway,... just as long as i get it sorted out. I have to go in person and show all of my ID.
But of course in my life nothing is easy. We dont' have buses here in Fergus and we only have ONE taxi. And this taxi is usually busy with school runs and other scheduled fares. Your lucky if you don't have to wait an hour for one. So I just walk everywhere. And that is exactly what I had planned for today.
But that isn't going to happen. I woke up around 3 with a headache. Not good. Thats a sympton. I got up and took my blood pressure and it was over 200 ~ very scary. So I just sat there as quiet as I could until it went down enough I wasn't worried. It's now down but still high. I desperately need to get help but I can't do anything until my health card is re-instated. And thats not going to be today,... looking out my window there is a storm raging and it's -14*. I am not going anywhere today.
So i literally sit here crossing my fingers hoping I don't die today of a heart attack or stroke.
My head doensn't feel well. There is pressure,... things are getting worse.
HOW am I going to get to Service Ontario to get my health card re-instated??? This storm is forecasted for the entire week. I may not be able to walk there for weeks,.... or even a month.
My life could be saved if only I had transportation,.... but noone offers me a ride ~ ever. That tells me I'm not worth saving.
This is why my life is so difficult. What others don't even think about, I can't do. No car,... no transportation and the weather refuseing to co-operate. I am trapped inside my apartment. And each hour that goes by,... I get worse. I am weak now. I don't even know if I have the energy to get to Service Ontario,... it may be too late for me now.
I say it again,... "The middle class have it so much easier than we do 'down here'" I cna't even get out to get health care,....
I am very, very worried I will die before I can get out,.....
This is life completely alone with no family or help. Frustrating and heart=breaking,... knowing you are dying but noone cares and your left to fend for yourself. And I've reached a point where I can no longer look after myself. I can't get out to do groceries anymore,... I can't get out at all as my body is shutting down and i feel weak now.
I am on borrowed time ~ but no help is coming.
So again, I leave out my basket of end of life care as I really dont think I am going to live much longer. And with no family someone has to know what to do with me. So I have left out my instructions.
When i die noone will know. I will have to be found. Alone. I knew I would die alone but now that I fear it is close I am feeling scared. With every heart palpatation and shortness of breath ! I panic. Is this the end?
All I wanted was a doctor,....
But I am a mentally ill monster to this world noone wants to see or deal with,...
So I sit here waiting to die.
If i stop writing maybe someone should call 911 for a wellness check as I really do feel in my heart and soul and bones that I am dying and it's not far off.
If I had a doctor and health care ~ I COULD BE SAVED!!!
But i dont and noone seems to care,....
So i guess I won't see my vacation afterall
Unless I get medication and care I will dead in weeks or months.
So sad I mean nothing to this world and I will die alone knowing nobody cared,...
I feel like the most unwanted - unloved - monster that ever lived.
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