I am so cold today. I just can't seem to get warm.
Despite all my complaining about 'outside' of my apartment (the people), I actually love the inside. It's not beautiful. But it's mine and it's a place I can escape from the world outside. Right now it looks a lot like some cat cafe or shelter. Not much in the line of nice things. But I've had 'nice'. It didn't make me any happier to have nice things. It was a lesson I learned too late in life. After I returned from BC. I had nothing but the suitcases I returned with. It wasn't until then I realized that you needed very little. People buy way too much. I was a victim of this myself. Thinking you needed things to create a life. But now I know thats not true at all. It's experiences and loved ones that make a good life. And I was bone dry of experiences or loved ones at this point.
When I got back from BC I had to buy stuff as I was starting over. But my heart wasn't in it. I bought for necessity - not enjoyment. Things didn't hold any value to me. So I only bought the basic needs and then got Molly and Murphy. So my apartment is really catered to them, not me. My stuff is of the value that if my cats break it ~ oh well. I purposely didn't get anything that would upset me if it got broken. So really my tv's are the only things I worry about in here. The rest is all for the cats. When the cats are happy,... it makes me happy.
And I realize now that my life wasn't happy before because I was missing the things I mentioned earlier. Experiences and loved ones. Well theres not a lot I can do about reconciling with my loved ones. (I'm open to it ~ they aren't) but I can change experiences. Not a lot, but enough to at least want to stick around for a few more years.
But I worry about my health now. I can't go to BC again if I'm not alive to go. I desperately need health care. And I can't even start thinking about a doctor or 911 call until I get my OHIP reinstated. Thats why I was so desperate to get to Sevice Ontario. I tried,... I had called a taxi at first. But we only have one in all of Fergus. I called it 3 times but got no answer. So at that point I knew if I was to get there I was going to have to walk. And of course as I mentioned I didn't get it, as I had forgotten one piece of 'proof of address'. I realized it as soon as I opened the door to Service Ontario. I was gutted. I quickly asked if I needed it for sure and I did. The worst part of it was I knew I needed it, I just forgot it. I thought I had done a check list when I left but I guess I forgot that. So I was more angry at myself than anything. And now I have to do it all over again when the snow and bad weather let up.
And speaking of the cold and snow,... that is why I just can't seem to get warm today. I love my apartment ~ especially the huge windows. But when the temperature dips down below a certain degree, my heat can't keep up. Probobly the big picture windows letting out the heat. (??) And this past week has been very cold. I can't seem to get this apartment warm. I have a little heater but I can't run it too long. I have a heating pad which helps a lot. As a person who grew up in Canada I know about cold weather. But as I get older it seems to effect me more. And today for some reason has been the worst day yet. I just can't seem to warm up. And when I get like this the only thing to do for relief is to have a hot bath. An epsom salt and lavendar bath to ease the pain and melt the cold I can't seem to get out of my bones today.
I didn't even take my blood pressure today. I just don't want to know anymore if theres nothing I can do about it. :(
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