I am not doing well,.. I have sunk to the lowest and don't even want to get better. I am not even functioning ~ let alone living. I have no idea WHY I exist. I waste space and nothing else.
I am back to "just do 3 things today". Something my therapy has taught me when I am so depressed I can't function. And those 3 things are usually pretty basic. Eat,... shower,... do 3 laps of the hall. And that is the extent of my life. I don't see outside these 4 walls very often. I bet I leave my unit for about 3 or 4 hours a MONTH. Usually just to take my garbage to the garbage room,... go down to the lobby to get my mail,... or do laundry. All other times I am isolated away here in my unit. Alone. I don't see anyone,... I don't talk with anyone,... I have no correspondance with anyone anymore. I'm actually thinking of getting rid of my phone. No one calls,... no one texts,... it sits on my table day after day ~ silent ~ why am I bothering to pay a bill just to get messages from scammers and bill collectors? I'm starting to think the $70 a month would be better spent on food rather than something that tortures me because it remains silent for the calls I WANT to get,.... Michelle,... Hayley,... any of my loved ones I miss so much my heart physiaclly aches. They are never going to call,... so I'm starting to wonder if it's time to just get rid of the phone once and for all. It's just a reminder to me that I am alone and unwanted.
I need to do my taxes,... I need to get proof of insurance off to housing,... I need to get my housing benefit application filled out and sent off,... I need to deal with my lawyer and my case,... but I cannot bring myself to cope. Instead I have shut down completely. NUMB. All these things will fall apart now,... and in the end,... I will lose my housing and my case. But even that knowledge can't get me to care. Instead I sit here day after day staring at the tv watching shows I've seen over and over again. I don't care about the shows. I am starting to hate the tv. When you watch it every waking hour - 18 to 20 hours a day,... it becomes boring. Tedious. When I wake up every morning my heart drops when I remember that I live in poverty. And that my day will be spent infront of the tv yet again. And this thought makes me panic,... makes me get angry,... makes me hate my life,... I can't do it anymore.
I need help. I need someone to knock on my door and say,.. "I am here to help. Lets get these things done. I will help you with them,..." But who is there to do that? No one. My daughters don't want to know. No one wants to know,... I am a burden. I can't do it myself anymore but there is no one to help.
I wish for one thing and that is help. Because without help,... there is only one choice left and that is DEATH.
It's such a humbling feeling of such deep failure that I am completely alone,...
If help isn't coming,.... I have to choose DEATH
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