It has happened again,... and this time I have decided I am not going to go out anymore. When I sequester myself away and hide from the world it's because I can't deal. I know my friend P** is confused why I hibernate away and stop communicating. Well yesterday is why,... Tonya using me for her entertainment. I left my unit for 15 minutes and I encountered her dram. There was no way for me to escape it. Tonight I went out and they played their games again. All getting up and leaving the gazebo when I come in. Again letting me know I am the shit on the bottom of their shoes,...
THIS is why I pull away and hide. Because people deliberately HURT YOU. Because I can't stand the games. I just want to go outside and be left alone. Because when I have trusted people ~ they have turned on me ~ and now I don't trust anyone. I keep myself to myself. But that seems to be impossible living in this building. They drag you into their circus. Honestly,... I come out of my unit once a day to get mail and take my garbage to the garbage room. Rarely,... but on the odd occasion if the weather is really nice, I will go out to the gazebo for 20 minutes. THAT is the extent of my outside life. 20 minutes a day outside of my apartment unit. NOW, I can't even go out for that,... I hate the gossips here. I hate the way Tonya gets away with lying ~ EVERY SINGLE TIME!! I hate LIARS! And I hate that I can't prove that she is a liar. The injustice of that eats away inside of me. It literally eats away at my insides that she lies and everyone believes,.... infuriating! I feel like she waits for me to come out of my unit so she can find a way to instigate. The only solution for this sadly is for me to literally hide away,.... it's just not fair.
I'm 60,... I'm tired,... I do NOT have the energy for these games. So I have made the decision NEVER to leave my unit unless i am leaving the compound altogether. In other words,... I am only leaving my unit if I absolutely HAVE TO! Because quite frankly I am embarrassed that I am even talking about this. It's so petty. But the truth is it does wear you down. And now,... it's hurtful. I don't want to see everyone get up and leave just becasue I am there. Thats hurtful,.... and I won't lie it did hurt. I won't let it happen again. And in order for it never to happen,... i have to stay inside my unit now. Like a leper,...
I hate this place. I hate my life,... I have never felt more hated and alone than I do today.
Life is nothing but a torment now. And every fibre of my being longs for the relief of death. Never have I been so resolved for my death than I am today. I don't even want ot to bother going to my MRI appointment now. I just feel I would rather just die and end it all than go through all that medical crap just to get better. It seems like it's going to be a long and difficult journey back to where i was before the accident. And frankly,... I just don't think it's worth bothering to even get better now. I really just want a fatal dose of fentenyl now,.... that truly all I want now,....
I am a leper in my own home.
***for any kind soul willing to help please contact me jrholyoak@hotmail.com as I am absolutely desperate now ***
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