The past two weeks have been the hardest few weeks of my life. My need to die is overwhelming,... but my way to get fentenyl is so difficult and needs so much time and planning to finally get. But after the past two weeks I know that if I don't get fentenyl, I will end up getting angry at something and just picking up a knife or a scalpel and just start slashing. Because I have come to my end and I cannot take it anymore.
I want to die peacefully with a fentenyl overdose. Or MAiDs,... but apparently I am not even good enough for that. I don't want to die painfully and horrifically but I know me,... I WILL get to a point where I just see red and I will do whatever it takes in that moment to end my life. THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT or hope for at all,... but it is what will end up happening. I am living on my last nerve right now and it's only going to take one more thing before I blow.
All I want is one fatal dose of fentenyl,... THAT is all I want now.
But I fear by the time I can finally get the money to go out and get some,... I will have had another "last straw" and in that moment of blind rage I will end up doing something drastic just for it to finally be over. I can feel the black ball inside me getting bigger and bigger and nastier and nastier and I know that in the end I will lose it and die in some horrific way,...
PLEASE let me get my fentenyl before this moment happens,....
I beg of you God just give me this one last gift of allowing me to die peacefully with fentenyl rather than someway painful and horrific,.... Please give me this one last gift,....
I never seemed to deserve anything in life - so please give me this one last thing for my death. A quiet peaceful death,....
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