Game day

I have four games to watch today. I like when I wake up and I finally have something to do. Usually when I first open my eyes my heart sinks because I know I have to face yet another day of hours and hours of emptiness. Six days of the week I feel this frustration of another day of nothingness,… but on the seventh day,… God created FOOTBALL. And as I write this, I have one game already done and three more to go. I honestly don’t know what I would do without this game in my life. It’s the only thing I have left that I can afford and I am hanging on to it with dear life. So Roll on Man U,…

I’m feeling quite nostalgic lately. When your present life is so miserable and you don’t have anything to look forward to in your future, you tend to look back into your past a lot. And with all the empty hours I have to fill, I do find my mind drifting back to the past quite often now. And with this comes regret. If I could just go back in time,…. how many of us have wished this? To go back in time and do it all over again. *** sigh *** But of course,… we can’t. We can’t go back in time and correct our mistakes. We just have to own up to them and move on.

But I spend a lot of time remembering the past. Especially the early years. I was born in 1963 so I grew up in the ’60’s and ’70’s. Times were so different then. In my memory they were kinder,… gentler times. I know for sure they were quieter. Not so much in volumn but in my head. My head seemed clearer. There didn’t seem to be the clutter of our modern times. (devices, internet, etc,…) Life was only as far as our finger tips. Now,… with the internet you can go anywhere you want around the world in an instant. To the modern generations this is a great thing. To me,… it is not. I enjoyed a life much smaller. It was a life where people hung out and talked to each other around kitchen tables or firepits,… it allowed us the freedom of spare time to socialize one on one. In my opinion people had deeper and more meaningful relationships. To me the internet and all of our devices are a distraction from what I think life is really about. Quiet. Being with the ones you love. Doing things together,… I found people actually made eye contact and interacted with one another. I find today folk have one eye on the person they are with and one eye on their phone,… I can’t help but feel like the art of conversation is disappearing.

I could write a hundred stories about what I did as a kid growing up in this earlier era,… my life was rich and full of everything a family could enjoy. But aside from a television we didn’t even get until the 80’s,… there wasn’t a device in sight. We learned to get to know each other. We ate dinner around the table and talked about our day. I felt so safe and loved in this cocoon my family had created for me. To this day,… I still feel like the 1970’s were the best years of my life. So innocent,… yet so rich.

The modern world is too busy for me. It feels like constant sensory overload. Too loud,… too bright,… too busy,… and with my mental health issues being what they are,… I struggle to get by in this world. It has become too overwhelming for me. So I retreated. I locked my front door to the outside world. And I hide away in my prison of these 4 walls. Day after day I hide. I shut down,… I no longer interact. This modern world just isn’t for me. And that is why today I am left feeling so depressed and empty and numb. Because I don’t fit into this world that I have been dumped in,… my heart knows it,… my spirit knows it,… and my soul knows it,… I am displaced. I should not be here ~ but I am. I am a girl of nature,… a country girl living in the city. The noise,… everything about it drains me. I instead crave the quiet solace of nature. Every fibre of my being wants to escape. But I am trapped,.. in a world I don’t fit into and don’t know how to navigate anymore.

So instead I use my old trick,… my writing escape. If I can’t physically be somewhere in real life,… then I imagine it. I take myself to another world where I feel safe and loved and wanted. And I write about it. Because that’s all I have left anymore. My imagination,….