I don’t feel well today. I was up a few times during the night just not feeling right. Headache,… pressure in my head,…slight upset stomach,… so I ended up watching tv for most of the night. I took my blood pressure earlier and it was 196/121 which is concerning. I threw my medication away a few months ago so I am not surprized really. I knew I should have called for help but I didn’t. Instead I took a couple of Tylenol and went back to bed. In truth,… I was hoping I would have a fatal heart attack and just die in my sleep. I may be getting help finally but not the kind that is going to change anything of real importance. Like,… I still don’t want to live here anymore and feel like if I am forced to I would rather just pass away and die. Tonya Halls has made my life that much of a misery living here I no longer wish to be here. But if I can’t move,… I dont want to bother going on,….

Why didn’t I call an ambulance? First of all,… I owe them money and they keep sending bills to hound me for it so I told myself NEVER AGAIN. If I need an ambulance ~ I will just die. I have multiple ambulance bills of $45 each already sitting in a pile on my desk with all the other big bills I can’t pay. So forget an ambulance ever again,…. Also I don’t think you can stop your medication and then expect help when you tank,… I stopped taking my blood pressure meds for a reason. I don’t want to continue on this painful struggle I face everyday now. I just don’t feel it’s worht the pain.

So I cancelled my appointment I had booked this afternoon and I am just sitting here not feeling well. And sadly,… I am hoping my blood pressure stays high and I eventually pass away.

5:00pm up-date:  

I have been in bed all day. Not because I want to be, but because my blood pressure is still dangerously high and it has left me with no energy at all. I still have a headache. I still feel pressure in my head. I am just too sick to move. My pressure has been sitting in the 190’s over 160’s all day. Usually if I go to bed and sleep I will wake up and it will have dropped some. But I just woke up an hour ago and it is still the same. I do not feel well.

But the saddest part of all of this is my reaction. Most people who would read such a high BP would immediately call 911. But my life is such a struggle that the first thought I had was sadly,.. “Hopefully today is the day I get to die”

How miserable must your life be to WISH for death when you BP skyrockets,… ???

I refuse to suffer living in this building on the scraps that ODSP throw us leaving us in complete poverty,…. add severe un-relenting pain on top of that and all I can do is hope that today is the day I die,….

Please God,… let today be the day my BP finally kills me.