Today has not been good. I actually had a good day yesterday. The first one in a very long time. Yesterday I had an MRI appointment in Guelph. But my appointment was at 1:30am ~ yes, that is in the middle of the night. I guess they do MRI’s over a 24 hour period to help the back log. My cousin John was nice enough to bring me. And believe me I am appreciative and grateful that he did that for me as without him I had no one else and I would have had to cancel. But thankfully,… I FINALLY got my MRI so we can find out what is wrong as I still can’t feel my hands or arms. It was actually a little weird going out. I am so used to being sequestered away here in my apartment 24/7 that I had almost forgotten what it was life to leave this compound. To have another human being to talk to,.. it felt good. So good that the next day I woke up feeling almost motivated. The trip away from these four walls gave me a bit of a lift. I took advantage of the break in “severe despondancy” to get a few things done. I sent away proof of insurance to housing,… I GOT MY TAXES DONE! THAT was the one thing that was making me panic but yesterday I finally got them done and sent in. A huge monkey off my back. I emailed my lawyer to let him know where I stood. It was such a good day that even by the time I went to bed after midnight I was still feeling ok.
But this morning I woke up and realized everything was back to normal. I was in a great deal of pain. I was still having trouble doing simple things (brushing my teeth, holding a phone, screwing off a cap top,… everything I do HURTS!) I still can’t get across the street to do grocery shopping. It has been a very clear realization that NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE FOR ME. I am NOT going to be able to move out of this building. And THAT is what has left me despondant. If I have to stay living here ~ I can’t go on. I can’t form any semblence of a life when everyone in the building dislikes me. (Thank you Tonya Halls the liar!) so I can’t even go outside and enjoy the weather or have small chats with people,… THAT is all RUINED because Tonya Halls and Darren Green did such a hate campainne that I feel like I have to hide away in my unit and can’t come out. I DON’T FEEL SAFE LIVVING HERE. And if i don’t feel safe,… then why bother. It’s not living,… it’s HIDING,….
I still don’t have help to get things done and THAT is the one and ONLY thing I have ever asked for. But my lawyer can’t provide it (???) and society can’t provide it. My family won’t provide it and the one person who wants to (my cousin J***) lives an hour away and has a very busy life of his own. He doesn’t have time for me the way I NEED someone to have time for me. I don’t want to be the one people visit every 2 or 3 months for a catch up. I want to be IN A FAMILY,…. LIVING in a home with a family,…. having a family there everyday. If I can’t have this,…. then I don’t feel like life has any worth anymore. To me life is family and lovied ones. If I don’t have that,… then life has no meaning for me. Money does nothing if there is no family.
My lawyer is mad at me. I am not the regualr client he thought he was getting. I am mentally ill and live in poverty so I can’t do the things he wants and needs me to do for my case. He doesn’t want to understand as at this point I am just a pain in his side. He wants me to do all the forms and shit he does with every client. But I am so depressed and suicidal I can’t do what he needs me to do. And this is annoying him. Which only leaves me feeling more guilty.
I can’t help my mental health. I can’t help I live in pain and poverty which leaves me suicidal. I can’t change this as much as I would like to. I emotionally,… physically and mentally have nothing left. But no one is hearing me when I tell them this.
So I feel like I just need to forget my case. They just keep wanting me to do physio (because thats where the money is I heard) but I can’t. It hurts too much. Not as I am doing them,… but the days following. I honestly don’t have faith in them understanding how difficult and inconsistant fibromyalgia is. I KNOW it gets worse over time. If you get kicked out of remission,… It can take YEARS to get back to where I was. I don’t have the energy or even the motivation to do this. I just don’t care anymore. I would rather just take an overdose and die. What is the point of going through all the pain to get better if there is no life for me at the end?? There is no point. I think for all concerned I would rather just take an overdose and end it all.
I can’t deal with life anymore. I’m sorry. I tried but I have nothing left to give anymore,….`
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