We are expecting an ice storm today

 Finally! I feel like I have made good choices. When I got my settlement money I knew it wasn't a lot and it wouldn't go as far as I hoped it would go. Putting most of it into a GIC and forcing me to sit on it has been the best choice I could ever have made. It has forced me to really sit down and think about how it can help me in this precarious time.

Governments are not taking care of their people. Our helath care is in crisis ~ I dont' have a family doctor and it has RUINED my life to the point I now just want to hurry up and die because I live my whole life in severe pain!!! The funding for the disabled and poor is WAY TOO LOW and so far below the cost of living folk are choosing to die rather than starve on ODSP or OW. The decline has been happening over that past few years. Some didn't pay attention,... but I did. 

Once you have felt hunger with no food in your pantry or fridge ! you never forget hardship and you learn to plan so it never happens again.

So instead of buying frivolous garbage like furniture and fancy devices,... I instead took care of my end of life needs as I knew my family wouldn't. If I hadn't done this myself - I would have ended up in a paupers grave just like my Grandma Ida did. Again,... taking care of myself.

I'm planning my first vacation in 25 years. Booked and paid for already. Now I am hearing that air fares will be sky rocketing in price due to the war and the cost of fuel. I AM ALREADY BOOKED AND PAID! If I had waited to book it could have cost so much I wouldnt' have felt it cost effective and probobly wouldn't have gone. But now - I don't have to worry. Just enjoy it when it comes June 30th. 

But the biggest thing I have been doing is preparing for war and the loss of supplies in the future. I stocked up. I have a years supply of toilettries and about two months of food (which I will be adding to over the next few months) I am now buying powdered versions (milk, bouillon,...) so if I can't get out to get fresh I will have powdered for back up. My whole struggle in life is NOT being able to access  basic needs. So this has helped me. Instead of panicing over when I can finally get out to get all this stuff ~ it is done.

All of this with the new generator has me feeling relaxed. I haven't felt safe and relaxed in a very, very long time. 

And today the ice storm is coming,.... so I sit back and smile. While others will end up sitting in the cold and dark - I will have power to run the heater and the kettle and coffee maker and most importantly for me - the tv so I dont' get bored. 

Roll on ice storm!! I am ready for you!

For once I am prepared

Another night of not being able to stay asleep. It has become a pattern now. Go to bed early. Anywhere between 8 and 10:00pm. I used to be a night owl all of my life going to bed quite late. But lately, I am so bored and in so much pain, I go to bed early just for the escape. Life is bearable when your asleep. It's only when I'm awake I am miserable. I woke up at 3:30am and I have been up ever since. My world no longer has a concept of time. I rarely go outside my apartment so I live in a cocoon. Theres no need for time in my life,.... nowhere to go,... noone to see,... just 24 hours a day of boredom watching tv and sleeping. 

There is no point to my life anymore. I am just sitting in God's waiting room ~ waiting to die.

I did get out yesterday though. For the first time in awhile. It was suppose to be really warm (although I found out it wasn't) so I decided to walk to Walmart, the dollar store and Freshco. My cupboards have very little in them which is ok normally. I don't eat much anymore. But after watching the news over the weekend seeing the start of the Iranian war, I knew that in the next few weeks there would be changes that would ripple all around the world. I suffered during covid as I couldn't get out to get food. And when I did finally manage to get out to a grocery store ~ everything was gone. There was nothing left that I needed. So when the world starting tilting over the past month,... I started getting nervous. I know that the first thing people in the world notice, is the loss of the supply chain. Deliveries over goods and services get slowed down or stopped all together due to world issues. I'm not saying that I am concerned war will reach Canada and I will have to protect myself as I really dont' believe combat will ever see Canada. I feel safe physically. I am nervous about supply and deliveries causing me to be unable to get what I need. I wanted to stock up before the shelves started dwindling. That is all. I wanted to feel safe if another covid -like situation hit. I would rather be stocked up and never have to use it than not and then something happens where I can't get groceries again. 

So yesterday I was able to get everything I needed. And the stuff i couldn't, I ordered off of Amazon which is arriving today. Once that is delivered, I have about 4 - 6  months of everything I need (except produce and meat and other perishables). I know it seemed silly to panic but once hungry - you never forget. Now,... I feel like I can relax. I have everything I need and then some. THAT makes me feel safe.

My power source (generator) arrived yesterday and I have got it all charged up ready to go. We are actually expecting an ice storm here in Ontario in the next day or two so I got it just in time. We almost always lose power in an ice storm. The power source I got is not a big one. It isn't designed to power a whole cabin or anything. You would need one of the bigger heavy duty ones for that. This one is meant for power outages. Gives me enough power to have the heater running,... to power the kettle or coffee maker. It will even run the tv with a DVD player for 4 hours. People living in Ontario are well aware power outages. We see a few during most winters. I have always wanted a back up power source because of this and now I have one. This too, makes me feel safe. 

So just getting that and stocking up my cupboards has alleviated my anxiety. Now, I can sit back and just chill. If this war makes getting supplies hard in the future ~ it wont effect me. I have everything I need now and for the next few months. 

Anxiety is a horrible thing. So if I can stop it by preparing, I will. Small thing to do for peace.

Please God,... Please make me die!!!!

It's early. Really early. I don't sleep much anymore. I was awake before the cats this morning. I spend a lot of mornings in the dark before the sun has risen. Do I not sleep because of natural reasons? I'm older now? Or do I not sleep because I am so unsettled? Whatever the reason, I average about four hours sleep a night now. No wonder I always feel so draggy. But with nothing to do all day but sit on my ass and watch tv, I don't expend any energy so my body gets little exercise. I don't know what that does to your body physically, but I can tell you what it feels like. When you have nothing to do all day, It feels like your body is storing up all that adrenaline. By the end of the day, my body has too much. I can feel the need for my body to get up and move. So I walk the halls a few times a day,... some days it's so bad I find myself pacing. My body feels over-stimulated. I constantly shake my leg,... shake, shake, shake,... I can never fully sit still.

I need to DO STUFF during the day. It not only expends all this energy/addrenaline, but it also gets me out of that apartment ~ my prison ~ and my mind gets to do and see stuff. A change is as good as a rest,... my Nana used to say. 

I am so bored!!!! My mind is turning to mush,... my body going slack,... I am an empty vessel waiting to die,...

This winter has been the longest winter I have known. It has been the coldest with temps at minus 50 some days!! And snow never stopped falling,... It was the worst winter I can remember in my life. And I felt it's impact even more as it left me trapped in my apartment unable to get out. I have never had cabin fever so bad as I did this winter,...

I NEED TO GET OUT

I really do need to get out of Fergus and into a city with transportation but as I have tried for the past 5 years,... there is no place to move. 

No transportation means isolation and that has turned me into a recluse.

I no longer even feel human anymore. Just a vessel waiting to die,...

So please God,... please just let me die,...

War is much more terrifying when you are a recluse alone

When you live alone as a recluse you have noone talk to. When something is bothering me I have to blog it, as I have noone in my life to get their opinion on things. Noone to share my concerns or worries,...I am completely alone. And that isn't always a good thing when the world seems to be immploding. 

I talk of world war 3

I have been watching everything unfold with the rest of the world wondering what on earth is going to happen. For the first time in my life I feel uneasy. Trump is so destructive and unpredicatable  ~ It's like the world is going mad.

But yesterday I read something that scared me to death. The Canadian Government put out a warning. "Iran is set to attack Canada with cyber attacks". Up until now I have not feared any 'combat' on Canadian soil. I had not thought of cyber attacks. This warning made me so nervous I immediately went on-line and closed down all my accounts. I have de-activated Facebook. Apparently the Iranian attackers go after personal profiles with many friends so they can take them over and then post all their propoganda on that hi-jacked account. They also warned that Iran has already warned Canadian banks to be prepared for cyber attacks. This makes me worry about the only money I own which is sitting in a GIC in a Canadian bank. It terrifies me to think that the Iranians can go into my bank and delete or sabotage my account stealing my money. It sounds so paranoid but reading the news ~ very possible.

And throughout all of this ~ I am alone. I have noone to talk to. Noone to plan with,... so I am planning on my own.

Firstly I shut down all my social media. Already done.

Then I bought a back up power source. Everyone on Youtube is talking about being prepared for a cyber attack on the grid. Electricity being shut down. Internet unavailable,... NONE of this stuff is likely to happen,... but if it does,... I am going to be prepared.

I ordered a small back up power source. IF the power goes out - I will have a back up. Nothing big and expensive. Just a small unit that can power the kettle,... the coffee maker,... a hot plate,... and my tv and DVD player. I can also use it for my heater and fan if things get too cold or hot. In other words. If I find myself in a prolonged black out ~ I want to be comfortable. During covid I really suffered not being prepared. I will not let that happen this time.

So I have made a 'preperation' list.

Back up generator for electricity,... arriving today via Amazin. Start taking out cash as much as I can from the bank,... (when the grid shuts down no internet or ATM's will be working). I have made a list of things I still need to buy. A chargable radio that doesn't need internet. And can be hand cranked to work,... I am starting to stock pile my pantry as well. During covid I learned the first thing to break down is the shipping industry so suddenly the shelves in grocery stores are bare. I am stock piling now so this won't happen to me again. I actually went hungry during covid not able to get groceries.

I have to admit that I am scared. I have no idea what the future holds with this new war. And I am all alone. Noone to talk to about it. Noone to alleviate my anxiety. I tried sleeping last night,... but I kept waking up. This cyber attack and this new war playing over and over again in my head. The uncertainty is leaving me unsettled.

Planning is the only thing I can do. I can't change the war,... but I CAN be prepared if it gets worse. If we go off grid ~ I want to be comfortable. I want heat,... to be able to cook and make coffee,... to be able to watch tv on my DVD player (probobly onwt be any internet) 

I hate what this world has become. My life is already hard enough with pain and poverty. Now, I have to deal with Trump and his destruction of the world. 

Noone knows the outcome of this new war. But i hope and pray it never reaches Canadian soil. But if it does,... I am going to be prepared this time. 

But while it's happening? I hate that I am all alone,....

I couldn't have said it better myself

This Youtube channel talks honestly about what is happening to Canada. I have said previously that if you are rich or middle class you probobly dont' see what I see 'down here' in poverty. And what I see is a country in decline. I see a government that has spent all the money and is now floundering. Add all the world issues of today (Trump and the wars and tarriffs) and life is pretty grim.

Unfortuantely I am on the bottom. I am on ODSP (disability) and only bring in $1380 a month. I am not the only one who has to live this poverty. Every single person in Ontario on OW or ODSP is suffering. I am just very, very lucky that I came into a small settlement after being run over by a car 2 years ago. But even that money is nearly gone as I make so little a month I have been living on the settlement money too. But that money has now run out. I have some in GIC's but can't access until September. So right now I am living off of $1380 a month.

And it's fucking hard.

When I came across this video on Youtube I nearly cried. It's not just me,... I have been seeing hundreds of these videos of Canadians - who normally don't complain! - rant at how fed up they are of this life of all work and nothing in return. 

Canada is in decline,... and I am so confused as to why our government isn't in panic mode trying to fix it. Instead our groceries are so high that Canadians are skipping meals just to afford to eat for the whole month. My heart goes out to all the families out there trying to feed their children. I can't find a doctor and I am not the only one,... 

At 62 ~ I live in poverty. With no doctor. My life is an unbearable struggle. As the one fed up woman on this video said,... and I quote,...

"I'm not participating in this shit for the next 40 years"

And this is exactly how I feel right now. 

Why am I living right now?????? No life,... no joy,... nothing.

But pain and poverty and being a recluse - isolated away from society - to watch tv all day.

This is not a life - it's a punishment. And I'm not sure what I did wrong to deserve it,...

I can't do this anymore,... and it looks like I'm not the only one,...

Canada - you are decling and taking us with you.

I can't do this anymore,... it's time,.... it's time to leave this madness and unfairness and struggle behind,...

I used to be so proud to be Canadian ~ now they have thrown me away and left me to rot ~ alone,....

Time to end this madness.

Facebook is nothing but a cesspool of scammers and I no longer felt safe

 I have had to de-activate my social media accounts. Facebook was the worst for scammers and spammers and all-around annoying nasty 'commenters' who have nothing better to do than instigate every post they see. Facebook used to be a great thing as I had a lot of friends overseas so it was useful in keeping up to date with all my family and friends. I saw few ads and didn't even know about scammers when I opened my account way back in 2005 ~ over 20 years ago. I enjoyed it and it was an itegral part of my day.

But after I lost all of my friends and family,... Facebook lost it's meaning. It was no longer a tool to keep me connected. The whole platform had changed due to the advancement of internet scammers. And Facebook decided they would rather accept money for fake ads than protect the good and honest folk who used their site. Now it is just a cesspool of scammers trying every sneaky trick they can to get your data and your money. It now felt like a minefield of needing to protect myself from every post. NOTHING felt legit or real anymore. I saw few posts of the rare few friends I had left on there. For some reason my timeline was nothing but ads and posts from porfiles of fake people. 

The whole platform seemed like a hunting ground for the greedy.

So I left. But somehow your messenger stays open on your phone. And can you believe that i am still getting harrassed by scamming ads that I reported and I guess they are coming after me. 

Job Link 21 (they just delete each page and start a new one with a new number) and they message me 3 or 4 times a day in my inbox. If you do anything - they automatically resend over and over and over until you can't get rid and this is what happened. Even now - after I deactrivated my account - I am still getting messages from this Job Link scammer EVERY SINGLE DAY  ~ MULTIPLE times a day. That is just out and out harrassement. Now,... I have to figure out a way to de-activate my messenger too although I thought I had already done that. Every time it just miracously opens back up again every time I get one of these scammers messages.

I DONT FEEL SAFE NOW ~ why is this scammer now coming after me PERSONALLY???

It's the same everywhere now. Every single time i buy anything - I feel like I am taking a gamble. Is it legit or a scam???? I can't buy in person anymore as I am isolated in my apartment all winter and can't get out. So I am forced to order everything I buy on-line. I don't feel safe or secure with any transaction I make on line anymore. 

AI and the internet in general has become way too advanced and the greedy thieves and scammers are way ahead of the rest.

I feel like I am being paranoid but I DONT' TRUST ANYTHING ONLINE ANYMORE THAT I BUY. Every transaction - no matter how well researched for verification and authenticy - can be intercepted by scammers at any point in your sale. So I trust NOONE. 

So I feel like a bit of a paranoid now. I can't trust anyone online.

I can't even trust what I am seeing on line as it is probobly AI generated. Some are badly made and you can see instantly but they are getting better and better so now we never know,....

I don't want to live in a world where I don't know what is real and what is fake,...

The only way I knew how to protect myself was to get off of all social media ~ which I have done ~ and only buy off Amazon and Walmart as they have refund policies I know they honour. 

This world has become a minefield of scammers and thieves and nasty people. I had to hide away ~ completely isolate myself away - to feel safe. Tonya Halls no longer has ANY access to my life anymore. Facebook no longer has access to my life anymore. Infact, NOONE has access to my life anymore. MY CHOICE. When you get beaten up enough you stop going outside to play,....

I just need to die now

 I have just proved to myself that I am an unwanted person. 

I have had nothing but problems on Facebook. Mostly with Tonya Halls cyber bullying me. But also I just get nothing on my feed but ads and scams. So i just got fed up and deactivated my account. I also posted a post,...

I found peace leaving Facebook. I have completely left social media. The only way to contact me now is phone, email or knock on my door. The good old fashioned way. I deactivated Facebook and all other accounts about a month ago and I have felt calmer and more at peace not having to navigate all the scammers and ads. Not to mention my cyber bully,... (and you know who you are!!!) and all her mean minions that had made my life a misery. I wasn't seeing anything personal anymore or even fun or positive. So i gave it all up. Deactivated all my accounts. I FOUND PEACE!!! Facebook had turned into a trigger,... without it I feel so much safer. But now you can only reach me by me email or phone number. If you want that, ask me now as I am leaving social media altogether and wont be able to be reached at all. Internet and social media was definitely not for me,...

I posted this just to let anyone know that I will no longer be able to be reached anymore. So if you wanted to contact me, you will have to do it now before I 'disappear'. It was meant for my children ~ but as expected I got nothing back from them. They no longer even think of me anymore and I am not even present in their minds anymore. They have 'gotten rid' and they will not turn back. So the post was a waste. They wouldn't have even bothered to look. I dont' exist to my children anymore. So the post was a waste.

And even more hurtful? Noone cared - noone reached out - noone even noticed I was 'disappearing',...

And this has just proven to me that I need to just go away and leave this world. I am not wanted or even noticed,...

After learning just how invisable and unwanted I am ~ I have totally given up.

I just want to die now and can't wait to find a way to do that.

Fentanyl

hang myself

slit my throat

I dont' know

All I do know is I am alone and unwanted and unloved and just need to die

I just need to die and that needs to happen very very soon as I can't take one more day of this rejection from the world

I am in PAIN and need help

But instead I am a nobody that noone wants

I JUST NEED TO DIE NOW

There are no words for the pain of being rejected by your family

 

 This mental illness has absolutely destroyed my life

It's time to stop the destruction

I just need to go now my life cant be fixed

 I'm stuck. I can't move forward until I get OHIP and I have been told I can't go to this local office.

I can't go anywhere else

I have to go to this office

I think my life has become so out of control that I need to plan my death now

You cant live without healthcare - I can't anyway,...

and if I'm not allowed to get it from here

I guess I just don't get it

I have noone to turn to for help

So now I just have this overwhleming need to end my life

It is too fucked up to fix now

I have asked everyone,... 211,... health connect,.... the MP,....

BUT NOONE CALLS ME BACK! I am invisable to this world,...

Noone ever calls me back!!!!! Why????? Why does noone see me? Or maybe they do ~ they just think I am a moster that doesn't deserve,.... they all think I'm a monster that doesn't deserve.

the government thinks I'm invisable unless I do something wrong and then I'm not even a person,....

Service Ontario: "NO YOU DONT DESERVE OHIP YOU FUCKING MENTALLY ILL MONSTER" so leave these premises and dont come back you horrible useless worthless piece of shit!!!!!!

So go home and die,....

DIE 
DIE
DIE

THATS all you desevere you fucking worthless useless human being that noone likes and everyone wants DEAD

You don't deserve OHIP and you will never get it now. YOU WILL NEVER GET IT NOW!

so just go home and DIE! DIE! DIE!

I don't recognize this world anymore

I don't recognize this world anymore. I was born in 1963. A very different time. My life really was Leave it to Beaver. I grew up in a town that was clean and safe. I had the ideal childhood. (after being adopted, of course)

I was rasied in a Christian family that went to Church (Emmanuel United in Brampton) My parents were one of the first parishioners. My parents generation founded that Church. And I grew up with the belief that if I did everything right, I would be rewarded with a good life.

I lived my life within the law and tried to be the best person I could be. I never stole anything in my life,... not even a stick of gum,... I have never struck another person. I cross at the crosswalks and paid my bills. I volunteered with the Church and other organizations. 

I wrongly thought I was a contributing member of society that was liked. I thought I was kind and caring and fun. (But people only saw the mental illness).

While I was growing up in that idealistic generation, I was told to work hard and I would achieve. And the thing about living back then was,... you COULD achieve. Most people had a list of what they wanted in their life and it was very achievable. Go to school,... get a job,... and things would work out for you.

In my 1960's - 1970's family my father worked and my Mother stayed home. We were able to go on two vacations a year. My parents bought a home while us kids were toddlers and mortgage payments and taxes were reasonable. And most families had enough left over to enjoy a life.

That has gone,... For me it died in 2000. When I divorced and my life fell apart after my ex took my children and never gave them back. But i didn't give up. I went back to school - got a job,... even bought my own home. But if all fell apart as the cost of living was getting more difficult. I ended up selling my home in the nick of time before it was re-possessed. But I lost money as I had to take a loss.

Now,... jump ahead to 2026 and life doesn't even resemble those days when a family really thrived. Now, everyone seems to be struggling. Ever since covid life has gone way down hill. Especially here in Canada. I don't even recognize my country anymore.

And it's not just me. I watch tv all day long (not my choice but all I have to do anymore) and I see it from everyone in all walks of life. Life is really hard now. Young kids can't find jobs coming out of school,... jobs are being lost to AI. And don't even get me started on Trump with his tariffs. All I see now when i turn on my tv is hardship and evil.

World leaders being found out as pedophiles! I am so disallusioned with this world right now. I am so disappointed in what it has become. But more importantly,... I dont' want to be a part of it anymore.

It's been 40 years since the 'good ol' days' and I have fallen down to the bottom. Infact the last five or six years I have gotten my ass whooped. I have seen our Country have a government who just does not care for the poor. And becasue of this we have fallen far into poverty. So far that even getting money from a settlement coudlnt' help me escape this life of misery.

I have seen the world change and I I don't like it. 

I hate our world leaders,... I feel decieved by them all

I hate the Canadian government who set it up so that only the wealthy get ahead and the lower class don't survive.

I hate society for throwing me away just becasue I'm different and in trouble and desperate. Instead of help ~ I got ridiicule and told I can't have OHIP,...

I hate my life for being too hard to navigate anymore. I dont' understand people and what they want from me. I try but only upset people.

My life is imploding right now and I have had to make plans I really didn't want to make. I want to go on my holiday in June. But without OHIP or a doctor I will be dead by then or the very least so weak I can't travel alone or enjoy sighseeing.

And most painful ~ without family there just isn't any point for me.

I am not a woman who needs or even wants a man. I am quite happy without one. But what I do need is my children,... and without them I don't have a life,...

My life is gone

And now I am left an empty vessel that just need to be dead and gone 

My life is now 'before' and 'after'

My life is now 'before' and 'after'. Before I learned I was not a liked person and after I learned I was not a liked person. I don't have an exact date or thing that had a defining moment that was the line. It was more over the past year. Things chipping away at me one piece at a time. It was a gradual knowledge. It was coming back from BC - traumatized and needing someone to care - and noone did. (They were furiious instead and to this day I still dont know why???) It was knowing whatever I did to them was bigger to them than my suffering homeless in BC and desperately needing my family. Which leads me to believe it had to be something terrible I did. Or do,... I'm not sure what it is I did ~ or do ~ so I can't talk about that. But I must be a very hard person to like if being homeless doesn't even get them to extend an olive branch.

It was everyone - and in the end finding myself alone because I'm such a bad person. Noone wants to be around me.

THAT was the realization in the end ~ noone wanted to be around me. So I must be bad. I tried to be a good person. I tried to be caring and kind. But people only saw my mental illness instead. And they thought it too severe to want me in their life.

Do you know what that does to a persons soul??? To know you tried - but failed. And your whole life was pointless. And to know that if you choose to remain here and live on,... you will be completely alone. Because noone wants you around? It's painful. It's more than painful. It's unbearable,.... shameful,.... I can't show my face anymore. I'm embarrassed I'm so unliked. But confused as to why so much???

I am so confused right now. How did I get to become so alone and invisable?

So now I live my life in 'after' mode. And it's not a good life. I used to get up in the morning and turn my laptop on with my morning coffee. Go to my social media sites and catch up. But now - I have deactivated all of those sites. So I no longer even bother opening my laptop anymore. Theres nothing to see. Its all gone. I only use it to bank and blog now. I am hidden from the world right now. If you look for me - my sites will be closed up. I have no connection to the outside world right now at all,...

and I just want to die 

I am so sad and humiliated and ashamed that I can never face the world again,....

so why stay? In the end,.... we all know noone will even notice I am gone,....

what a sad soul I am,... I wish I had never been born.

I don't even feel human anymore

 Since I have become a recluse ~ I don't even feel human anymore. I look at others and I envy them. They aren't hated,... disliked,... 

When I went into Service Ontario, my blood pressure was not only through the roof leaving me scared and worried I would have a heart attack or stroke, but I was also full of anxiety. I had not been 'out in the world' for over 2 months. I don't talk to anyone anymore. I am too ashamed. When you know people just 'put up with you' to be polite - you tend to feel shame and isolate away where you are safe. I can't bother anyone hiding in my apartment. 

I can't be a terrible Mom if I never see my children,...

I can't be a terrible person to anyone if I never interact with anyone anymore,.... and that is my plan. I have been made to feel so unwanted and so undeserving i have given up.

You won't give me my OHIP back??? Ok,... I guess i'm a monster that doesnt' deserve it,...

You won't let me in your life? Thats ok,... I understand. I'm a monster. I get it.

But I don't want this life. I am so alone my heart literally aches - physically aches for my children that wont let me in,...

I am a monster so I don't deserve OHIP (health care). That women will never know she put a nail in my coffin. That was the last straw. The only way I can move forward is to go and BEG for health care,...

Noone should have to beg for any need,...

I have been told no by so many people in this community that I hav eto believe that i am blacklisted. Whenever they see my name or number they ignore me and leave me to rot,... she is a monster,.... let her rot on her own until she dies knowing she was a horrible,. horrible monster.

HURT HER - she deserves it!!!!

I'm not going to try and even get my health care back. I'm nost going to beg. I already feel like someone who isn't even human anymore. Undeserving of anything. 

I am a monster that deserves to die

and so i will

DIE
DIE
DIE

And then everyone in the world can rejoice. Jacquie the mentally ill monster is DEAD!!!!!~
YAY!!!!!!!!!!

At this point even I will rejoice as i hate myself so much I can't wait to DIE

Please help me to die

 I am in trouble,.... big trouble. 

I can't get my OHIP

Becasue I'm a mentally ill monster who can't behave

I dont know why I am so hated,....

Maybe horrible people don't understand they are horrible,....

I thought I was a good person

But I am not

I am such a mentally ill monster I can't even get my OHIP fixed

why?

I dont' behave

I am a mentally ill monster that noone even sees anymore

I just need to die

PLEASE someone ~ 

will you help me to die

I will PAY

Just please help me to die

It's time to actively make a plan to die

 I think it's time to die.

 Not to wait until I have a heart attack like this province wants me to,....

 but to actually plan to die 

I am not going to suffer anymore

Ontario just refuses to help me

so now

Its now time to die

hanging?

fentanyl?

Jump infront of a truck???

whatever

so sick of being invisable when I need help

better to just die now

If this doesn't prove I am a hated piece of shit I don't know what would

I have had it. I had the morning from hell and now I hope to just have a heart attack ~ just get it the fuck over with.

As you know I have no OHIP (healthcare) coverage. I have been trying to get to Service Ontario to get my OHIP re-activated. I ended up in the ER over a month ago and had to walk out without being treated as my OHIP was found to be invalid.

So I have been living high anxiety for over a month trying to get to Service Ontario to get this done. But this damn Ontario weather has been working against me and I have not been physically able to get out. But I woke up this morning to temps above zero so I quickly had a shower and walked all the way to Service Ontario

It did not go well

I went today as I was forced to. My blood pressure was over 200 and I couldnt' wait another day. It was just fortuante today the weather was cooperative. By the time I walked all the way there though, I was shaking. I was not feeling well at all. I was good for the first bit but then she told me I had to have the exact dates I was out of the province and I didn't remember them. (I was only gone 13 days!!!) I just guessed on the form. Then she said I filled out one part wrong. By this time, I am not feeling well and I am getting annoyed this is taking so long. So I said what should it have said,.... Your address in BC she said,.... I didn't have one,... I said,... I was homeless,....

It was here I started to shake really badly. I got flustered and I lost it and said forget it - I'll just go to the hospital without health care. I don't have time for all of this,... I need to get to the hospital. She didn't care. She just looked past my shoulder for the next person,...

All my fucking life I have been DISMISSED!!!!!!

That woman will never know what it took for me to walk there today,.... but all for nought,.... punished!!!!

I went back to her and said ok what do I  need to do then as I need to get to the hospital,... but I dropped all my papers because I was really shaking and I said oh for fucks sakes (to myself but out loud) and that was that,...

"I am refusing to serve you Ma'am so get out of my office and you can't come back. You will have to use another service ontario office now"

I was so upset. Dismissed,.... dismissed,... dismissed,....

So now I'm feeling like a piece of shit. I don't even deserve OHIP now????? I'm such a piece of shit you can't even help me get OHIP? When I'm suffering a severe high blood pressure attack and not feeling well?????  You can't give me a fucking break????  I can't get to another office,... it took me over a month to get to this one. I can't get out of Fergus so I am shit out of luck for health care,...

I am so done.

My blood pressure has come down but only to 175/112. 

I am DYING of hypertension but after today I was made to feel like a worthless piece of shit who doesn't deserve,....

and maybe I don't,....

SO I WILL NEVER ASK FOR HELP FROM ANYONE EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!

That woman just sealed my coffin

 

Facebook has no safety police,.... it's a bot. You can't even reach a human to stop bullying! Very, very unsafe place now

 I have been trying to get a neighbour to stop bullying me for over 5 years now. I have had the police involved,... Ontario Housing involved,... but noone can seem to finally catch her to punish her. I am of course talking about Tonya Halls. The woman who has been harrassing me for well over 8 years now in this building. I had reached out to the police finally in desperation but they really couldn't do much. She hadn't actually threatened my life (so everything else she did is legal???) so they aren't going to pursue it. I showed them all the evidence of all the fake accounts she made and then sent me nasty messages from but they need Facebook to help them find out more. But after 4 months of trying I cannot get any help from Facebook. 

The damn site is run by bots. There is NO human to talk to. It's all bots. You report and you are cut off and can't go any furthur. I have looked on the internet high and low for a phone number to get a REAL person to talk to at Facebook but even AI says there isn't anyone,...

No fucking wonder Facebook is now a cesspool of scammers and bullies and stalkers,....

they get away with it!!!!!!!!

Now I had written in here about calling the police so she would know I am fed up and coming after her now. I told her that the police had set it up for the next time she harrassed me they could right away catch her address and therefore prove it was her,... But the cowardly cunt stopped all activity,... the very same day. It all stopped. As soon as i let her know she was being set up in a sting,.... it all stopped.

But because of her I have had to close up ALL of my social media so I no longer am even on the internet anymore except this blog which is set to private/closed so noone can view it anyway. This woman has forced me to hide away fromt he world by closing my life down so she couldnt' find it anymore.

How would you feel having to delete every socail media account you had. You'd be pissed,.... and I am,.... for someone who is a recluse to start with - having my socail media taken away has completely shut out the world now.

I see noone

I talk to noone

I have no facebook or tiktok or Instagram or any of those platforms.

I am protecting my privacy at all costs now. But sadly to do that I have had to hide from life,....

Facebook has become a wild wild west of anyone who wants to do harm,.... theres noone stopping them but a bot,.... and the bot doesn't really give a shit so does nothing. 

I felt so unsafe on Facebook that having closed it up I now finally feel safe,....

I think my Dad was the only person who ever really loved me

I am in deep seclusion now. I don't talk to anyone,... I rarely see anyone. If I do see someone it's a quick hello and then I put my head down and keep walking. I dont' want anything to do with people ever again.

Hearing that you are not liked has left me so embarrassed and humiliated that I can't face anyone. I can never look at people the same way again. How can you try and be with people when you know the truth. They don't really want to be there,... I look back over my life and it has happened over and over again ~ I just refused to see it. Who wants to see and acknowledge THAT truth?

My own birth parents didn't want me,.... then my adoptive Mom. My Dad passed away many years ago and I think we had a wonderful relationship so I don't want to look back at it forensically because I want it to remain a cherished memeory for me. My Dad loved me,.. and if he didn't actually 'like' me? Well,... I am not going to think about that. I want one person in this world to have loved and wanted me,... and in my mind it was my Dad.

My ex-husband didn't even want to spend time with me at all! My kids? Well,... they're gone too. Infact, everyone is gone.

When you see that evidence - it can't lie. You have to come to the conclusion that you really are unliked. And with that knowledge I pulled my head back into my shell like a turtle and I refuse to come out. If I am not a likable person I am not going to embarrass myself by trying to force a relationship with anyone. It would just be fake,... and I don't want fake. If I can't have a real relationship where someone actually likes me - for me,... and I'm not 'annoying' then I would love that. But I have been told,... over and over again I am not what people want. After 62 years ~ I finally get it.

So I am too embarrassed to come out. I don't want to be the pity friend you see to be the good person. Becky was that for sure,... She stuck around a lot longer than most but funnily we didn't actually spend a lot of time together,... She was a nice person. But not even she could put up with me. 

I am so embarrassed,... so ashamed,... so humiliated,...

I just want to die

 I'm going to be dead before my holiday. Even gets here.

I am a monster

They say when you are dying, your life flashes before your eyes. I wouldn't know if that is true as I am still alive and breathing. But I have been reflective over the past few months. And it has left me quite saddened.

No matter how I look at my life ~ I can't help knowing it meant nothing. 

I have always had this belief about what life is. I think that in the universe before earth, we were souls. I believe that while up in 'heaven' your soul makes a plan. You life is planned already before you are even born. It's like your biography is already written. You are born to live that plan. Souls are joined up with other souls they are already connected to in past lives. That is what makes the love between families. They belong together so no matter what ~ your family is your life.

But I believe my soul got 're-routed' when i was adopted. I firmly believe that my 'planned path' was broken when I was born into one family and then abandoned and put into foster care and then eventually my 'adoptive' family. I think my soul was forever fucked up when my 'plan' was broken.

I loved my adoptive family. They were good for me. They gave me stability and consistency which allowed me to feel like I was wanted. Infact, for my childhood years I was very happy. I didn't want for anything. But thats how children are. As long as their needs are met they are happy. 

It wasn't until my adulthood that things went wrong. I would meet people and think I was liked. I thought people really actually had feelings for me and cared what happened to me over my life. But  I discovered that wasn't true.

The love I received from my adoptive family ~ had conditions. And the older and more mentally ill I got - the less my family liked me. They tried hiding it but after things happened I realized they were just fulfilling their obligation. They adopted me - theywere stuck with me. I didn't see it. I was so blind. I thought I was wanted.

But things happened,... invitations given to other family members but I wasn't included. (embarrassed? ashamed?) My ex-husband couldn't stand to even be home with me and therefore spent most of his time away from me and our home. Working,... baseball,... drinking and being with friends,... but he never wanted to be with me. I often wonder why he wanted to marry me? Becasue he sure didnt' show much emotiong or effection to me. Infact I can remember I hated the sound of the front door closing as it was him leaving,... always leaving,... I was never wanted.

My mother, in the end, couldn't even hide her disdain. I remember her dying and I drove my girls two hours to see her - she wouldnt' even look or talk to me and instead gushed over my daughters. She out and out IGNORED me,... my heart was broken. She literally couldn't hide her dislike for me. She tried but was too sick and didn't have the energy to pretend anymore. She just out and out showed me she didn't want me in her life. To be rejected by not only one mother - but two,... left me so broken I could never have another relationship. I obviously didn't know how to have a relationship with anyone. I know this as they all turned on me and left me and even though they all know exactly where I live,.... I will forever remain alone. 

So now,... in my senior years,... I am left with the tragic and painful knowledge that I was not wanted - nor was I liked - while I walked this planet. I was 'put up with' until it was ok to walk away from. 

I sadly learned that I was not a good person. I was a mentally ill monster that noone wanted around. That is a lot to get your head around. And after much agonizing I realize I never will.

So now I know my life is not only pointless,... but people activly want me gone,... out of their lives forever,...

And the biggest tragedy of all is I still dont' know what I have done wrong,...

And it leaves me in so much pain I really do wish I would just die. Living is humiating knowing people point and laugh at the mentally ill monster.

EVERYONE HATES HER SO YOU CAN TOO

I have hiden myself away now and i will never have another relationshiop with anyone ever again. NOONE wants me,...

I am a monster

It's been over a month now since I had to leave the ER because I had no health coverage. But this damn winter won't stop dumping down snow. Today is yet another snow storm,.... 

I am trapped inside my apartment and desperately need to get to Service Ontario to get health care so I can get to a doctor,....

But no buses,... no taxi,.... I have to walk a 7 km round trip to get health care.

I hate this,...

I am trapped. I cant get out!!!!!!!

I just need to die

Dying is the only relief I see now

 I went to bed early last night. I was so upset I just needed to end that day. But even though I actually got a good sleep (crying yourself to sleep does do that to me) I did not wake up feeling refreshed. Instead I woke up feeling dejected,... hopeless,... suicidal,...

It has become clear that I can't go on alone. I just can't do the things I used to do that gave me my independence. My body has failed me. I couldn't even put together a very simple piece of furniture. I did it wrong - stripped screws and now it is ruined,...

I can't do much that I used to anymore,...

So after a lot of thinking I have come to the conclusion that my life needs to end. 

I am tired,...

I am in severe pain that limits my abilities,...

I am miserable,....

So now plans have changed. I no longer wish to live. And I have decided that if this province won't give me a doctor then I am going to end my life with my own "MAiD's". 

I don't know how much a person has to suffer before anyone cares.

But I am suffering and alone and no help is coming. I called someone two weeks ago and she said she would look into it and call me back. Did she call  me back? No,... they never do,.... there are no resources they can offer me that will help. They are all gone becasue this government disolved them all over the years so that now that i need them - they are gone.

No help

I can't go on

Now,... I put all my efforts into DYING,....

How can I do it,.... and when can I get it over with

DYING is the only relief i see

I just need to die now

 This is the result of me trying to put furniture together. I FAILED!

Nothing is going right. I had to order another (cheap) drawey unit. But when I was putting it together I put one side on up-side-down so I had to remove it to fix. But the screw is stripped and I cannot get it off. I have tried everything,... but after an hour I threw the damn thing out in the hall and have written it off as a loss,....

Jacquie the loser failed again,.... so stupid she can't even put furniture together right. $100 ~ WASTED!

I am so done being alone,....

I am so done having to do everything by myself whether I can or not,... 

I am so fucking done,.....

Still can't get out to get my OHIP re-activated,....

Can't get groceries,.....

My hands are still so mangled I can't put furniture together.

So I have taken a loss of the damn thing. I have no idea what to do with it as I can't just put it in the garbage room. Right now I am so angry it is still sitting outside my unit where I angrily threw it,...

I hate myself and my life and I can't fucking wait to DIE!!!!!!!!!

Being left on my own to cope is not working,...

I just need to die now

Day 27 of trapped inside unable to re-activate OHIP

It's been 27 days since I went to the ER with severely high blood pressure but didn't get treatment as I discovered my health care wasn't valid. I left the ER untreated as I am not paying a bill for what everyone else gets free in this country. So I have been trying to get to Service Ontario ever since. No luck. The weather here has been horrible. We have had a polar vortex plunging the temperatures so it's too cold for me to walk anywhere. On top of the cold it has been snowing most days as well. I have been trapped inside unable to go anywhere. And each day I dont' have health care is a gamble.

I need to get to Service Ontario!!!

Being trapped inside is creating it's own problems. Cabin fever! I am going mad with boredom right now. There is just way too many hours in a day and nothing to do to fill them up but watch tv. 

I am going mad! I can't take it anymore,...

Boredom is going to leave me insane,... I now know exactly where the term cabin fever drives from,...

Isolation,... lonliness,... being trapped inside,....

I am so miserable I just want to die

I hate this town!!!!!

Well I'm glad noone will be reading this entry,... I am fuming and just going to vent,...

I STILL can't get to Service Ontario. The weather has been so cold that schools and government offices have been closed. We have had snow almost every single day for the past month. And we are in the middle of a polar vortex that has left us in temperatures that are below twenty down to minus fifty!!! 

But today was sunny and I showered early so I called a taxi to get to service ontario to get my OHIP re-activated. My blood pressure is getting worse which is leaving me anxious to get on medication as soon as I can.  I REALLY NEED to get my OHIP! But the taxi was going to be an hours wait. I didn't like that but I had to go. So I waited,... and waited,... but waiting isn't easy when you live on the 3rd floor and can't see the parking lot or when the taxi arrives. I have to leave my unit to go out into the hall to watch out the hall window. It would be so much easier if they just gave us a lobby feed of the cctv like every other apartment building in this province. So waiting for me ~ who already has anxiety ~ is going back and forth from my unit to the hall window,... pacing,... waiting,... So you can imagine how angry I got when i was looking out the window and saw it pull up and then SOMEONE ELSE get into it and they leave. I know the girl who stole it. I had just been talking to her. She is the one that annoys everyone by asking for money all the time. I knew she was going out but was looking for a ride. She told me this while I had already called for my taxi. I TOLD her I was waiting for a taxi,... so for her to know I was waiting and then steal it when it came,... My heart sank. I had been waiting already for 45 minutes. Jen didn't even phone for one. So,... I took off my coat and cancelled my taxi telling them they let someone steal it,... and decided I'm not going today. 

I knew that even if the taxi came and I got a ride to Service Ontario, when i was done re-activating my OHIP I would have had to wait at least another hour for a taxi to get home. I'm a tough Canadian girl but it's minus 11 out there today and I just dont' want to get stuck having to walk all the way home in this icy cold weather. I've done it before many times but I am just not up to that today. I am feeling my age and I just couldn't do it.

When the fuck am I ever going to get the hell out of this apartment and get to Service Ontario???????? The weather isn't calling for any warmth soon. We are expecting MORE snow and cold! And what kind of town has NO buses and ONE taxi??? I HATE this town. I am not going to survive unless I get the fuck out of Fergus Ontario,... 

I AM DYING AND THIS TOWN JUST DOENS'T SEEM TO HAVE THE RESOURCES I NEED TO FIX MY HYPERTENSION

So unless I can get the fuck out of Fergus (and I doubt I can) then I will die of a heart attack or end up in a long term facility after a stroke. THAT is my future living in Wellington County here in Fergus,...

I need to get the fuck out of here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And just the feeling that I am so alone that noone can help me is devastating,....

I feel like I'm not even part of thsi society,....

I have never felt so alone,...

Jacquie Holyoak no longer exists ~ the world can rejoice

 I don't know exactly how this blog works. I want to write on here with noone reading it. I know on my other blog, even when set to Private,... subscribers still get a copy e-mailed to them. So i am using this blog in the hopes that not even subscribers can read this anymore. Becasue what I have learned over the past few years is that noone cares about you. They only want to read the gory details to entertain themselves. And in Tonya case - use it against you to humiliate you.

That is never going to happen again. I have closed down both blogs and deactivated my Facebook page. I still have a 'game' account open on Facebook but it isn't personal. It's just for game play. But yes,... Tonya found that account (it was under my maiden name of Morgan yet she still found it) and she abused that account too,... but I still play the game out of sheer boredom so would like to keep that open. But that is the absolute ONLY social media I have now.

I don't feel safe anymore. Too many of the wrong people have been abusing my blogs. So now I have decided to shut out the entire world completely. 

January 2026 marks my decision to leave the human race. Leave society,... no longer be a part of this world. Now,... I live alone,... as a recluse where noone can contact me anymore. I have my phone number and my email and that is all. NO MORE NASTY PEOPLE using my life to entertain themselves.

I am done with people,.... forever,....

January 2026 marks the beginning of my self reclusive lifestyle.

I have done so much soul searching due to all that has happened. And I can't find one positive. I have been so hurt I can't even face the world anymore. And so I won't.

No more Jacquie Holyoak ~ she no longer exists.

Now I live under the radar speaking with noone. I keep myself to myself. No longer do I want human contact anymore,.... as all it does it hurt.

I hate people.

I hate this community of Fergus Ontario

I hate that this country is allowing me to die when all I need is a doctor but can't get one,...

I hate that I am invisable and noone even cares if I breath,...

I hate life

I hate my life

I hate that I am invisable and going to die because noone can fucking see me,...

Today I have no family

Today I have no frineds

Today I am a hermit who hides from the world and ignores everyone.

I no longer speak to people

Jacquie Holyoak NO LONGER EXISTS!!!!!!!!

The world can rejoice

The mentally ill monster is gone,......

Completely alone now and just want to die

 Well, that's it. Everything is closed up now. I deactivated my Facebook account. I closed up both blogs to private. I don't want to be seen anymore. The world has made me invisable,... so now I really am.

But I can't tell you how lonely this feeling is. Knowing noone even knows your alive now. No family or friends and now no social media at all. 

Alone

Completely alone

The damage caused to my mental health over the past five years has been horrible. I don't even feel like a human being anymore.

I am a HATED MONSTER and today marks the first day of me hiding from the world forever.

I hate people now - HATE

I just want to be left alone to die now

And today - my blood pressure was so high I thought that was going to happen today.

But i still can't get out to get my health card re-activated.

TRAPPED

I am trapped - inside my apartment and inside my life,...

I am trapped

I am closing up this blog as all it does it highlight how much I am unworthy

Dear God

I cannot sleep tonight as my mind won't stop turning. And the one question that keeps coming up over and over again is why?

Why do I exist? I am alone - unwanted - unloved - and suffering,... so WHY am I here?

There was a time in my life when I went to church twice a week. Sunday service and then bible study on Wednesday's. I brought my girls to church so they would have a base for a religion if they choose to pursue it later. (they didn't)

I walked the walk God,....

Yet tonight I sit here in such pain I am forced to rethink if I believe you exist at all. 

Why do some people get good lives while others do nothing but live in poverty and lonliness? I did what I was suppose to do yet,... I am miserable.

Life is too hard now. I can't even get basic needs anymore like groceries and clothes. i don't leave my apartment for MONTHS at a time.

I have written in this blog for years and years using it as my therapy. But it got me nothing but nasty people using it for their research to abuse me later. TONYA HALLS,.... DARREN GREEN,.... both have used this blog to learn everything that hurts me and then HURTS ME with it,... and they have hurt me more than even they realize. I will never get over the abuse these two put me through. Especially Tonya - she just would not stop!!!! I can't bear her intrusion anymore,....

I am not a human being. I am a thing that was born to parents who didn't want me. I am unwanted. Just one of those people in life who doesn't have a 'charming' personality. People don't like me,... it has taken me over 60 years to finally get that through my stupid head. I mistakenly believed I had a family that loved me,... friends that loved me,... but in the end when the shit hit the fan they ALL LEFT.

My daughter told me "I'm just feeling sorry for myself" 

Yeah,... my blood pressure is in second stage hypertention,... I can't feel my right arm,... can't use my hands as they are still all mangled and in pain,... I can't get out to get groceries with no car and the weather being uncoperative,....

I am in PAIN and dying of hypertention

But I'm just feeling sorry for myself,...

Why can't people just see and believe me,....??

But they wont'. When you dont like someone you dont' want to believe it's not their fault. You want to gloat and say I told you she was horrible,... it's like it's almost fun for them to dislike me. WHY can't people just believe I am really needing help,....

This is why I have given up. I have done everything I can to find help. A doctor,... transportation,... I can't find it. But to the world - it just looks good on me that I am suffering. To my family? I deserve it,...

And becasue of all of this God, I struggle to see why I exist. Why was I born if noone was oging to want or like me??? You made me enter this world,... yet you gave me no tools to survive. You gave me a mental illness that has ruined every relationship I ever had and a body that has so much pain I go mad with it,...

So why? You gave me children but took them away so I felt shame instead of love,...

You gave me a family that didn't even 'like' me so felt ok saying I'm a monster and walking away,..

You didn't give me the tools to know how to deal with this world. Instead i floundered alone just trying to survive.

WHY 

I am closing up this blog now. 

I am invisable.

I am worthless

And it's embarrassing and humiliating that I have written everything here and still,....

NOONE CARED

So I give up. No more blog,... No more Facebook,... no more access to me at all,... after I shut down this blog,... I disappear and noone will hear from me again.

You all had five years to help me,... but all I got was crickets. That told me all I needed to know,...

The silence was deafening and broke my fucking heart. so now I disappear and hope that God will take pity on me and let me die of a heart attack finally giving me peace.

It's been theraputic,... but now it's just heartbreaking knowing they read,... but never care,....

I AM INVISABLE

I AM UNWORTHY

I AM SO UNLOVED THE WORLD WILL REJOICE WHEN I'M GONE

I close this blog with a broken heart knowing I was a nobody,....

Can someone help me buy a tiny cabin in the woods please?

I want to buy a tiny house or cabin in the woods

and leave civilization behind

Just me,... my kitties' and a tiny little cabin I can call my own

Is there such a place I can buy?

I can't stay here anymore,....

I can't stay here anymore,...

I can't stay here anymore,...

I am looking at property anywhere in Ontario under $100,000

they are there,... I have seen them,...

but can I buy one?

I wish I knew someone who could help me

Because I can't stay here anymore,...

Give me one last wish and help me buy an escape from this misery

 

When I moved into Ontario Housing nearly ten years ago,... I was happy. Optomistic. I was a Christian.

Now

I don't even believe in God anymore

and I'm miserable

I will die before being evicted

 I don't think anyone

will ever understand

How having your housing 

used as collateral

is so humiliating

I am a grown woman 

yet some person at a desk

can make me homeless 

becasue she can,....

Noone will every understand 

the stress and anxiety 

that creates

I

NEVER

FEEL

SAFE

When is this world

 going to stop punishing the poor

 with the threat of their housing?????

It's cruel and inhumane 

and I just can't do it anymore

You want me evicted

fine

I WILL GO

but I will die 

before being evicted

Ontario Houosing is so petty and i am going to be homeless

 I have lost my faith in humanity. Today is a perfect example of how Ontario Housing is more concerned for it's employees (whether they are right or wrong) than they care about their tenants.

I did something very simple that I never thought would come back to haunt me. One day a few weeks ago I tripped over one of the yellow floor signs that warns the floor has just been mopped and is wet. I called housing and asked them to not leave the yellow signs out as the maintenance guy leaves them there 24/7. They NEVER LEAVE OUR FLOOR. They sit there for 24 hours on a DRY floor until he returns the next day. He still doens't remove them,... he washed the floor and leaves them there for another 24 hours.

This may seem innocent but this building is full of old people - diabled people - with walkers and wheelchairs. And those of us in walkers,... can't always SEE the signs until we hit them with our walker. I did this as I had a load of stuff on my walker and couldn't see the floor infront of me. I hit it - fell - and then just called housing to ask if they wouldntn' do this anymore. i thought this was the end of it.

But after doing my laps I noticed NOTHING CHANGED. The yellow signs were still all over the building in the middle of the floor on DRY floors. Sitting there for 24 hours never removed. A HAZARD!!! So I just took the signs as I passed them and placed them in the stairwell up against the wall where they would be out of everyones way. I thought nothing of it except I may have prevented an accident.

Today we get a memo in our mailboxes asking for the person who "stole" the yellow signs to put them back. OMG,... here we go,...

So I called houising and left a message as that woman never answeres when she sees it's me calling. So I left a message explainging I moved them for safety reasons. 

But we all know I will be reprimanded for this. I explained that the stairwells had not been cleaned in 5 months. I know as I spilled coffee in one of them between the 3rd and 4th floor on that landing. I spilled it on my birthday - September 7th. So when I do laps I noticed it never got cleaned up. ever. So after a while it became a game. See how long it stays there. IT IS STILL THERE nearly 5 months later. So this maintenencae guy never goes in the stairwells. So of course he wouldn't find the yellow signs I put in there. Instead of seeing the fault of the maintenence guy,.... they will blame it all on me. He won't be reprimanded at all - but I will probobly be given yet another eviction threat ~ or worse a real eviction.

There was no ill-intent here. just moving the signs for safety out of everyones way in the middle of the halls,.... that is all,....

But housing is going to blow this up way out of proportion and I will be reprimanded in some way shape or form.

And this is what I mean when I say i am afraid to even leave my unit. Becasue what I think is innocent ~ ends up hurting me.

I can't stay here. they are obvioulsy out to get me evicted. They didn't want me back and now that Brianne who insisted they take me back is no longer working for them - I think they just want me gone. They use there over the top rules and rtegulations to make that happen.

There is no positives in my life - only hardship.

I dont' want to be here anymore.

I actually hope I have a heart attack soon and die. My blood pressure is way too high and it is staying way too high - but no doctor and cant' even get to Service Ontario to get health coverage. And knowing I am completely alone and fending for myself has just left me ANGRY

I just hope to fucking die now as Ontario Housing is going to evict me in some way shape or form as they don't like me. Because I call them out on their bullshit. NEVER talk bad about Ontario housing or you WILL END UP HOMELESS. Thats where I'm heading I'm pretty sure after they get my call that I am the one who INNOCENTLY moved the signs for SAFETY reason.

I may as well start packing today,.... 

Noone seems to want me around. Maybe today I will have that heart attack and die. Finally leaving this world that seems to hate me.

DIE DIE DIE

It's the only way for me to find peace now

My heart is broken

Guess what I opened Facebook to again today? A fucking pop-up "Are you ok"

Obviously I am not ok. But just getting pop-ups and no help has forced me to realize I have no friends. I have noone who cares if I live or die. I screamed on facebook for help and got a fucking pop-up.

I guess thats all I'm worth 

a fucking pop up

I think it's time to leave Facebook for good. I have "friends" on there that are reading all of my desperate posts - yet noone is offering help. So that tells me they are not my friends. Just people with a morbid fascination for what what finally happens to Jacquie Holyoak. They don't really care - they're just curious.

I mean NOTHING TO ANYBODY

And that last pop-up cemented that for me.

I am fucking alone and dying and none fucking cares

I am dying,... yet noone can help me

 

My cupboards are empty. I am running low on everything. I need to get out and do a supply run. But looking at the weather, I'm not getting out until the end of January now. I have been trying to get to Service Ontario to get my OHIP reactivated but I can't. Between pain and the weather I just can't get there. And now I need groceries too,...

I honestly feel like some pioneer on the prairies in the winter. Once the snow flies,... your stuck inside. NO SUPPLIES OR MEDICAL CARE until spring. But the truth is I live in a small town with about 30,000 people. But noone can see me. I am trapped inside my unit screaming for help but noone can hear me,...

I am losing hope

I am losing motivation

I am in so much pain I can't cope

But I am invisable to this world

Every morning I take my blood pressure - it's higher than the day before. Always reminding me that time is running out!!! If i dont find a doctor and consistent care - I WILL DIE SOON!

I still can't use my hands,...

I still can't feel my right arm,...

I still can't look after myself anymore,...

I closed up my other blog for good. Noone cares about me. They are just reading it for morbid fascination. Will she die or won't she???? But noone cares enought to help. So fuck them,... (this is my other blog that TONYA HALLS my enemy neighbour reads) so all I'm doing is cutting off information to her and Darren and Mark. I'm tired of the world KNOWING I need help but noone actually helping. So no point in writing anymore.

This blog has a completely different following of people. I find this blog my followers are other mental health sufferers and therefore much kinder. So i will leave this blog open but I cut all ties to the other one. Too hurtful knowing so many people read it yet still noone cares to help,....

I'm ready to die now. I know it's coming. Noone has my blood pressure and survives,....

But I will die alone and knowing noone fucking cared to help,....

NO HELP IS COMING and I am going to die

Can you imagine how that feels????

I am dying yet i can't even get a ride to sevice ontario,...

I am going to die becasue of no transprotation and noone hearing me.

I am fucking heartbroken,....