If this doesn't prove I am a hated piece of shit I don't know what would

I have had it. I had the morning from hell and now I hope to just have a heart attack ~ just get it the fuck over with.

As you know I have no OHIP (healthcare) coverage. I have been trying to get to Service Ontario to get my OHIP re-activated. I ended up in the ER over a month ago and had to walk out without being treated as my OHIP was found to be invalid.

So I have been living high anxiety for over a month trying to get to Service Ontario to get this done. But this damn Ontario weather has been working against me and I have not been physically able to get out. But I woke up this morning to temps above zero so I quickly had a shower and walked all the way to Service Ontario

It did not go well

I went today as I was forced to. My blood pressure was over 200 and I couldnt' wait another day. It was just fortuante today the weather was cooperative. By the time I walked all the way there though, I was shaking. I was not feeling well at all. I was good for the first bit but then she told me I had to have the exact dates I was out of the province and I didn't remember them. (I was only gone 13 days!!!) I just guessed on the form. Then she said I filled out one part wrong. By this time, I am not feeling well and I am getting annoyed this is taking so long. So I said what should it have said,.... Your address in BC she said,.... I didn't have one,... I said,... I was homeless,....

It was here I started to shake really badly. I got flustered and I lost it and said forget it - I'll just go to the hospital without health care. I don't have time for all of this,... I need to get to the hospital. She didn't care. She just looked past my shoulder for the next person,...

All my fucking life I have been DISMISSED!!!!!!

That woman will never know what it took for me to walk there today,.... but all for nought,.... punished!!!!

I went back to her and said ok what do I  need to do then as I need to get to the hospital,... but I dropped all my papers because I was really shaking and I said oh for fucks sakes (to myself but out loud) and that was that,...

"I am refusing to serve you Ma'am so get out of my office and you can't come back. You will have to use another service ontario office now"

I was so upset. Dismissed,.... dismissed,... dismissed,....

So now I'm feeling like a piece of shit. I don't even deserve OHIP now????? I'm such a piece of shit you can't even help me get OHIP? When I'm suffering a severe high blood pressure attack and not feeling well?????  You can't give me a fucking break????  I can't get to another office,... it took me over a month to get to this one. I can't get out of Fergus so I am shit out of luck for health care,...

I am so done.

My blood pressure has come down but only to 175/112. 

I am DYING of hypertension but after today I was made to feel like a worthless piece of shit who doesn't deserve,....

and maybe I don't,....

SO I WILL NEVER ASK FOR HELP FROM ANYONE EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!

That woman just sealed my coffin

 

Facebook has no safety police,.... it's a bot. You can't even reach a human to stop bullying! Very, very unsafe place now

 I have been trying to get a neighbour to stop bullying me for over 5 years now. I have had the police involved,... Ontario Housing involved,... but noone can seem to finally catch her to punish her. I am of course talking about Tonya Halls. The woman who has been harrassing me for well over 8 years now in this building. I had reached out to the police finally in desperation but they really couldn't do much. She hadn't actually threatened my life (so everything else she did is legal???) so they aren't going to pursue it. I showed them all the evidence of all the fake accounts she made and then sent me nasty messages from but they need Facebook to help them find out more. But after 4 months of trying I cannot get any help from Facebook. 

The damn site is run by bots. There is NO human to talk to. It's all bots. You report and you are cut off and can't go any furthur. I have looked on the internet high and low for a phone number to get a REAL person to talk to at Facebook but even AI says there isn't anyone,...

No fucking wonder Facebook is now a cesspool of scammers and bullies and stalkers,....

they get away with it!!!!!!!!

Now I had written in here about calling the police so she would know I am fed up and coming after her now. I told her that the police had set it up for the next time she harrassed me they could right away catch her address and therefore prove it was her,... But the cowardly cunt stopped all activity,... the very same day. It all stopped. As soon as i let her know she was being set up in a sting,.... it all stopped.

But because of her I have had to close up ALL of my social media so I no longer am even on the internet anymore except this blog which is set to private/closed so noone can view it anyway. This woman has forced me to hide away fromt he world by closing my life down so she couldnt' find it anymore.

How would you feel having to delete every socail media account you had. You'd be pissed,.... and I am,.... for someone who is a recluse to start with - having my socail media taken away has completely shut out the world now.

I see noone

I talk to noone

I have no facebook or tiktok or Instagram or any of those platforms.

I am protecting my privacy at all costs now. But sadly to do that I have had to hide from life,....

Facebook has become a wild wild west of anyone who wants to do harm,.... theres noone stopping them but a bot,.... and the bot doesn't really give a shit so does nothing. 

I felt so unsafe on Facebook that having closed it up I now finally feel safe,....

I think my Dad was the only person who ever really loved me

I am in deep seclusion now. I don't talk to anyone,... I rarely see anyone. If I do see someone it's a quick hello and then I put my head down and keep walking. I dont' want anything to do with people ever again.

Hearing that you are not liked has left me so embarrassed and humiliated that I can't face anyone. I can never look at people the same way again. How can you try and be with people when you know the truth. They don't really want to be there,... I look back over my life and it has happened over and over again ~ I just refused to see it. Who wants to see and acknowledge THAT truth?

My own birth parents didn't want me,.... then my adoptive Mom. My Dad passed away many years ago and I think we had a wonderful relationship so I don't want to look back at it forensically because I want it to remain a cherished memeory for me. My Dad loved me,.. and if he didn't actually 'like' me? Well,... I am not going to think about that. I want one person in this world to have loved and wanted me,... and in my mind it was my Dad.

My ex-husband didn't even want to spend time with me at all! My kids? Well,... they're gone too. Infact, everyone is gone.

When you see that evidence - it can't lie. You have to come to the conclusion that you really are unliked. And with that knowledge I pulled my head back into my shell like a turtle and I refuse to come out. If I am not a likable person I am not going to embarrass myself by trying to force a relationship with anyone. It would just be fake,... and I don't want fake. If I can't have a real relationship where someone actually likes me - for me,... and I'm not 'annoying' then I would love that. But I have been told,... over and over again I am not what people want. After 62 years ~ I finally get it.

So I am too embarrassed to come out. I don't want to be the pity friend you see to be the good person. Becky was that for sure,... She stuck around a lot longer than most but funnily we didn't actually spend a lot of time together,... She was a nice person. But not even she could put up with me. 

I am so embarrassed,... so ashamed,... so humiliated,...

I just want to die

 I'm going to be dead before my holiday. Even gets here.

I am a monster

They say when you are dying, your life flashes before your eyes. I wouldn't know if that is true as I am still alive and breathing. But I have been reflective over the past few months. And it has left me quite saddened.

No matter how I look at my life ~ I can't help knowing it meant nothing. 

I have always had this belief about what life is. I think that in the universe before earth, we were souls. I believe that while up in 'heaven' your soul makes a plan. You life is planned already before you are even born. It's like your biography is already written. You are born to live that plan. Souls are joined up with other souls they are already connected to in past lives. That is what makes the love between families. They belong together so no matter what ~ your family is your life.

But I believe my soul got 're-routed' when i was adopted. I firmly believe that my 'planned path' was broken when I was born into one family and then abandoned and put into foster care and then eventually my 'adoptive' family. I think my soul was forever fucked up when my 'plan' was broken.

I loved my adoptive family. They were good for me. They gave me stability and consistency which allowed me to feel like I was wanted. Infact, for my childhood years I was very happy. I didn't want for anything. But thats how children are. As long as their needs are met they are happy. 

It wasn't until my adulthood that things went wrong. I would meet people and think I was liked. I thought people really actually had feelings for me and cared what happened to me over my life. But  I discovered that wasn't true.

The love I received from my adoptive family ~ had conditions. And the older and more mentally ill I got - the less my family liked me. They tried hiding it but after things happened I realized they were just fulfilling their obligation. They adopted me - theywere stuck with me. I didn't see it. I was so blind. I thought I was wanted.

But things happened,... invitations given to other family members but I wasn't included. (embarrassed? ashamed?) My ex-husband couldn't stand to even be home with me and therefore spent most of his time away from me and our home. Working,... baseball,... drinking and being with friends,... but he never wanted to be with me. I often wonder why he wanted to marry me? Becasue he sure didnt' show much emotiong or effection to me. Infact I can remember I hated the sound of the front door closing as it was him leaving,... always leaving,... I was never wanted.

My mother, in the end, couldn't even hide her disdain. I remember her dying and I drove my girls two hours to see her - she wouldnt' even look or talk to me and instead gushed over my daughters. She out and out IGNORED me,... my heart was broken. She literally couldn't hide her dislike for me. She tried but was too sick and didn't have the energy to pretend anymore. She just out and out showed me she didn't want me in her life. To be rejected by not only one mother - but two,... left me so broken I could never have another relationship. I obviously didn't know how to have a relationship with anyone. I know this as they all turned on me and left me and even though they all know exactly where I live,.... I will forever remain alone. 

So now,... in my senior years,... I am left with the tragic and painful knowledge that I was not wanted - nor was I liked - while I walked this planet. I was 'put up with' until it was ok to walk away from. 

I sadly learned that I was not a good person. I was a mentally ill monster that noone wanted around. That is a lot to get your head around. And after much agonizing I realize I never will.

So now I know my life is not only pointless,... but people activly want me gone,... out of their lives forever,...

And the biggest tragedy of all is I still dont' know what I have done wrong,...

And it leaves me in so much pain I really do wish I would just die. Living is humiating knowing people point and laugh at the mentally ill monster.

EVERYONE HATES HER SO YOU CAN TOO

I have hiden myself away now and i will never have another relationshiop with anyone ever again. NOONE wants me,...

I am a monster

It's been over a month now since I had to leave the ER because I had no health coverage. But this damn winter won't stop dumping down snow. Today is yet another snow storm,.... 

I am trapped inside my apartment and desperately need to get to Service Ontario to get health care so I can get to a doctor,....

But no buses,... no taxi,.... I have to walk a 7 km round trip to get health care.

I hate this,...

I am trapped. I cant get out!!!!!!!

I just need to die

Dying is the only relief I see now

 I went to bed early last night. I was so upset I just needed to end that day. But even though I actually got a good sleep (crying yourself to sleep does do that to me) I did not wake up feeling refreshed. Instead I woke up feeling dejected,... hopeless,... suicidal,...

It has become clear that I can't go on alone. I just can't do the things I used to do that gave me my independence. My body has failed me. I couldn't even put together a very simple piece of furniture. I did it wrong - stripped screws and now it is ruined,...

I can't do much that I used to anymore,...

So after a lot of thinking I have come to the conclusion that my life needs to end. 

I am tired,...

I am in severe pain that limits my abilities,...

I am miserable,....

So now plans have changed. I no longer wish to live. And I have decided that if this province won't give me a doctor then I am going to end my life with my own "MAiD's". 

I don't know how much a person has to suffer before anyone cares.

But I am suffering and alone and no help is coming. I called someone two weeks ago and she said she would look into it and call me back. Did she call  me back? No,... they never do,.... there are no resources they can offer me that will help. They are all gone becasue this government disolved them all over the years so that now that i need them - they are gone.

No help

I can't go on

Now,... I put all my efforts into DYING,....

How can I do it,.... and when can I get it over with

DYING is the only relief i see

I just need to die now

 This is the result of me trying to put furniture together. I FAILED!

Nothing is going right. I had to order another (cheap) drawey unit. But when I was putting it together I put one side on up-side-down so I had to remove it to fix. But the screw is stripped and I cannot get it off. I have tried everything,... but after an hour I threw the damn thing out in the hall and have written it off as a loss,....

Jacquie the loser failed again,.... so stupid she can't even put furniture together right. $100 ~ WASTED!

I am so done being alone,....

I am so done having to do everything by myself whether I can or not,... 

I am so fucking done,.....

Still can't get out to get my OHIP re-activated,....

Can't get groceries,.....

My hands are still so mangled I can't put furniture together.

So I have taken a loss of the damn thing. I have no idea what to do with it as I can't just put it in the garbage room. Right now I am so angry it is still sitting outside my unit where I angrily threw it,...

I hate myself and my life and I can't fucking wait to DIE!!!!!!!!!

Being left on my own to cope is not working,...

I just need to die now

Day 27 of trapped inside unable to re-activate OHIP

It's been 27 days since I went to the ER with severely high blood pressure but didn't get treatment as I discovered my health care wasn't valid. I left the ER untreated as I am not paying a bill for what everyone else gets free in this country. So I have been trying to get to Service Ontario ever since. No luck. The weather here has been horrible. We have had a polar vortex plunging the temperatures so it's too cold for me to walk anywhere. On top of the cold it has been snowing most days as well. I have been trapped inside unable to go anywhere. And each day I dont' have health care is a gamble.

I need to get to Service Ontario!!!

Being trapped inside is creating it's own problems. Cabin fever! I am going mad with boredom right now. There is just way too many hours in a day and nothing to do to fill them up but watch tv. 

I am going mad! I can't take it anymore,...

Boredom is going to leave me insane,... I now know exactly where the term cabin fever drives from,...

Isolation,... lonliness,... being trapped inside,....

I am so miserable I just want to die

I hate this town!!!!!

Well I'm glad noone will be reading this entry,... I am fuming and just going to vent,...

I STILL can't get to Service Ontario. The weather has been so cold that schools and government offices have been closed. We have had snow almost every single day for the past month. And we are in the middle of a polar vortex that has left us in temperatures that are below twenty down to minus fifty!!! 

But today was sunny and I showered early so I called a taxi to get to service ontario to get my OHIP re-activated. My blood pressure is getting worse which is leaving me anxious to get on medication as soon as I can.  I REALLY NEED to get my OHIP! But the taxi was going to be an hours wait. I didn't like that but I had to go. So I waited,... and waited,... but waiting isn't easy when you live on the 3rd floor and can't see the parking lot or when the taxi arrives. I have to leave my unit to go out into the hall to watch out the hall window. It would be so much easier if they just gave us a lobby feed of the cctv like every other apartment building in this province. So waiting for me ~ who already has anxiety ~ is going back and forth from my unit to the hall window,... pacing,... waiting,... So you can imagine how angry I got when i was looking out the window and saw it pull up and then SOMEONE ELSE get into it and they leave. I know the girl who stole it. I had just been talking to her. She is the one that annoys everyone by asking for money all the time. I knew she was going out but was looking for a ride. She told me this while I had already called for my taxi. I TOLD her I was waiting for a taxi,... so for her to know I was waiting and then steal it when it came,... My heart sank. I had been waiting already for 45 minutes. Jen didn't even phone for one. So,... I took off my coat and cancelled my taxi telling them they let someone steal it,... and decided I'm not going today. 

I knew that even if the taxi came and I got a ride to Service Ontario, when i was done re-activating my OHIP I would have had to wait at least another hour for a taxi to get home. I'm a tough Canadian girl but it's minus 11 out there today and I just dont' want to get stuck having to walk all the way home in this icy cold weather. I've done it before many times but I am just not up to that today. I am feeling my age and I just couldn't do it.

When the fuck am I ever going to get the hell out of this apartment and get to Service Ontario???????? The weather isn't calling for any warmth soon. We are expecting MORE snow and cold! And what kind of town has NO buses and ONE taxi??? I HATE this town. I am not going to survive unless I get the fuck out of Fergus Ontario,... 

I AM DYING AND THIS TOWN JUST DOENS'T SEEM TO HAVE THE RESOURCES I NEED TO FIX MY HYPERTENSION

So unless I can get the fuck out of Fergus (and I doubt I can) then I will die of a heart attack or end up in a long term facility after a stroke. THAT is my future living in Wellington County here in Fergus,...

I need to get the fuck out of here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And just the feeling that I am so alone that noone can help me is devastating,....

I feel like I'm not even part of thsi society,....

I have never felt so alone,...

Jacquie Holyoak no longer exists ~ the world can rejoice

 I don't know exactly how this blog works. I want to write on here with noone reading it. I know on my other blog, even when set to Private,... subscribers still get a copy e-mailed to them. So i am using this blog in the hopes that not even subscribers can read this anymore. Becasue what I have learned over the past few years is that noone cares about you. They only want to read the gory details to entertain themselves. And in Tonya case - use it against you to humiliate you.

That is never going to happen again. I have closed down both blogs and deactivated my Facebook page. I still have a 'game' account open on Facebook but it isn't personal. It's just for game play. But yes,... Tonya found that account (it was under my maiden name of Morgan yet she still found it) and she abused that account too,... but I still play the game out of sheer boredom so would like to keep that open. But that is the absolute ONLY social media I have now.

I don't feel safe anymore. Too many of the wrong people have been abusing my blogs. So now I have decided to shut out the entire world completely. 

January 2026 marks my decision to leave the human race. Leave society,... no longer be a part of this world. Now,... I live alone,... as a recluse where noone can contact me anymore. I have my phone number and my email and that is all. NO MORE NASTY PEOPLE using my life to entertain themselves.

I am done with people,.... forever,....

January 2026 marks the beginning of my self reclusive lifestyle.

I have done so much soul searching due to all that has happened. And I can't find one positive. I have been so hurt I can't even face the world anymore. And so I won't.

No more Jacquie Holyoak ~ she no longer exists.

Now I live under the radar speaking with noone. I keep myself to myself. No longer do I want human contact anymore,.... as all it does it hurt.

I hate people.

I hate this community of Fergus Ontario

I hate that this country is allowing me to die when all I need is a doctor but can't get one,...

I hate that I am invisable and noone even cares if I breath,...

I hate life

I hate my life

I hate that I am invisable and going to die because noone can fucking see me,...

Today I have no family

Today I have no frineds

Today I am a hermit who hides from the world and ignores everyone.

I no longer speak to people

Jacquie Holyoak NO LONGER EXISTS!!!!!!!!

The world can rejoice

The mentally ill monster is gone,......

Completely alone now and just want to die

 Well, that's it. Everything is closed up now. I deactivated my Facebook account. I closed up both blogs to private. I don't want to be seen anymore. The world has made me invisable,... so now I really am.

But I can't tell you how lonely this feeling is. Knowing noone even knows your alive now. No family or friends and now no social media at all. 

Alone

Completely alone

The damage caused to my mental health over the past five years has been horrible. I don't even feel like a human being anymore.

I am a HATED MONSTER and today marks the first day of me hiding from the world forever.

I hate people now - HATE

I just want to be left alone to die now

And today - my blood pressure was so high I thought that was going to happen today.

But i still can't get out to get my health card re-activated.

TRAPPED

I am trapped - inside my apartment and inside my life,...

I am trapped

I am closing up this blog as all it does it highlight how much I am unworthy

Dear God

I cannot sleep tonight as my mind won't stop turning. And the one question that keeps coming up over and over again is why?

Why do I exist? I am alone - unwanted - unloved - and suffering,... so WHY am I here?

There was a time in my life when I went to church twice a week. Sunday service and then bible study on Wednesday's. I brought my girls to church so they would have a base for a religion if they choose to pursue it later. (they didn't)

I walked the walk God,....

Yet tonight I sit here in such pain I am forced to rethink if I believe you exist at all. 

Why do some people get good lives while others do nothing but live in poverty and lonliness? I did what I was suppose to do yet,... I am miserable.

Life is too hard now. I can't even get basic needs anymore like groceries and clothes. i don't leave my apartment for MONTHS at a time.

I have written in this blog for years and years using it as my therapy. But it got me nothing but nasty people using it for their research to abuse me later. TONYA HALLS,.... DARREN GREEN,.... both have used this blog to learn everything that hurts me and then HURTS ME with it,... and they have hurt me more than even they realize. I will never get over the abuse these two put me through. Especially Tonya - she just would not stop!!!! I can't bear her intrusion anymore,....

I am not a human being. I am a thing that was born to parents who didn't want me. I am unwanted. Just one of those people in life who doesn't have a 'charming' personality. People don't like me,... it has taken me over 60 years to finally get that through my stupid head. I mistakenly believed I had a family that loved me,... friends that loved me,... but in the end when the shit hit the fan they ALL LEFT.

My daughter told me "I'm just feeling sorry for myself" 

Yeah,... my blood pressure is in second stage hypertention,... I can't feel my right arm,... can't use my hands as they are still all mangled and in pain,... I can't get out to get groceries with no car and the weather being uncoperative,....

I am in PAIN and dying of hypertention

But I'm just feeling sorry for myself,...

Why can't people just see and believe me,....??

But they wont'. When you dont like someone you dont' want to believe it's not their fault. You want to gloat and say I told you she was horrible,... it's like it's almost fun for them to dislike me. WHY can't people just believe I am really needing help,....

This is why I have given up. I have done everything I can to find help. A doctor,... transportation,... I can't find it. But to the world - it just looks good on me that I am suffering. To my family? I deserve it,...

And becasue of all of this God, I struggle to see why I exist. Why was I born if noone was oging to want or like me??? You made me enter this world,... yet you gave me no tools to survive. You gave me a mental illness that has ruined every relationship I ever had and a body that has so much pain I go mad with it,...

So why? You gave me children but took them away so I felt shame instead of love,...

You gave me a family that didn't even 'like' me so felt ok saying I'm a monster and walking away,..

You didn't give me the tools to know how to deal with this world. Instead i floundered alone just trying to survive.

WHY 

I am closing up this blog now. 

I am invisable.

I am worthless

And it's embarrassing and humiliating that I have written everything here and still,....

NOONE CARED

So I give up. No more blog,... No more Facebook,... no more access to me at all,... after I shut down this blog,... I disappear and noone will hear from me again.

You all had five years to help me,... but all I got was crickets. That told me all I needed to know,...

The silence was deafening and broke my fucking heart. so now I disappear and hope that God will take pity on me and let me die of a heart attack finally giving me peace.

It's been theraputic,... but now it's just heartbreaking knowing they read,... but never care,....

I AM INVISABLE

I AM UNWORTHY

I AM SO UNLOVED THE WORLD WILL REJOICE WHEN I'M GONE

I close this blog with a broken heart knowing I was a nobody,....

Can someone help me buy a tiny cabin in the woods please?

I want to buy a tiny house or cabin in the woods

and leave civilization behind

Just me,... my kitties' and a tiny little cabin I can call my own

Is there such a place I can buy?

I can't stay here anymore,....

I can't stay here anymore,...

I can't stay here anymore,...

I am looking at property anywhere in Ontario under $100,000

they are there,... I have seen them,...

but can I buy one?

I wish I knew someone who could help me

Because I can't stay here anymore,...

Give me one last wish and help me buy an escape from this misery

 

When I moved into Ontario Housing nearly ten years ago,... I was happy. Optomistic. I was a Christian.

Now

I don't even believe in God anymore

and I'm miserable

I will die before being evicted

 I don't think anyone

will ever understand

How having your housing 

used as collateral

is so humiliating

I am a grown woman 

yet some person at a desk

can make me homeless 

becasue she can,....

Noone will every understand 

the stress and anxiety 

that creates

I

NEVER

FEEL

SAFE

When is this world

 going to stop punishing the poor

 with the threat of their housing?????

It's cruel and inhumane 

and I just can't do it anymore

You want me evicted

fine

I WILL GO

but I will die 

before being evicted

Ontario Houosing is so petty and i am going to be homeless

 I have lost my faith in humanity. Today is a perfect example of how Ontario Housing is more concerned for it's employees (whether they are right or wrong) than they care about their tenants.

I did something very simple that I never thought would come back to haunt me. One day a few weeks ago I tripped over one of the yellow floor signs that warns the floor has just been mopped and is wet. I called housing and asked them to not leave the yellow signs out as the maintenance guy leaves them there 24/7. They NEVER LEAVE OUR FLOOR. They sit there for 24 hours on a DRY floor until he returns the next day. He still doens't remove them,... he washed the floor and leaves them there for another 24 hours.

This may seem innocent but this building is full of old people - diabled people - with walkers and wheelchairs. And those of us in walkers,... can't always SEE the signs until we hit them with our walker. I did this as I had a load of stuff on my walker and couldn't see the floor infront of me. I hit it - fell - and then just called housing to ask if they wouldntn' do this anymore. i thought this was the end of it.

But after doing my laps I noticed NOTHING CHANGED. The yellow signs were still all over the building in the middle of the floor on DRY floors. Sitting there for 24 hours never removed. A HAZARD!!! So I just took the signs as I passed them and placed them in the stairwell up against the wall where they would be out of everyones way. I thought nothing of it except I may have prevented an accident.

Today we get a memo in our mailboxes asking for the person who "stole" the yellow signs to put them back. OMG,... here we go,...

So I called houising and left a message as that woman never answeres when she sees it's me calling. So I left a message explainging I moved them for safety reasons. 

But we all know I will be reprimanded for this. I explained that the stairwells had not been cleaned in 5 months. I know as I spilled coffee in one of them between the 3rd and 4th floor on that landing. I spilled it on my birthday - September 7th. So when I do laps I noticed it never got cleaned up. ever. So after a while it became a game. See how long it stays there. IT IS STILL THERE nearly 5 months later. So this maintenencae guy never goes in the stairwells. So of course he wouldn't find the yellow signs I put in there. Instead of seeing the fault of the maintenence guy,.... they will blame it all on me. He won't be reprimanded at all - but I will probobly be given yet another eviction threat ~ or worse a real eviction.

There was no ill-intent here. just moving the signs for safety out of everyones way in the middle of the halls,.... that is all,....

But housing is going to blow this up way out of proportion and I will be reprimanded in some way shape or form.

And this is what I mean when I say i am afraid to even leave my unit. Becasue what I think is innocent ~ ends up hurting me.

I can't stay here. they are obvioulsy out to get me evicted. They didn't want me back and now that Brianne who insisted they take me back is no longer working for them - I think they just want me gone. They use there over the top rules and rtegulations to make that happen.

There is no positives in my life - only hardship.

I dont' want to be here anymore.

I actually hope I have a heart attack soon and die. My blood pressure is way too high and it is staying way too high - but no doctor and cant' even get to Service Ontario to get health coverage. And knowing I am completely alone and fending for myself has just left me ANGRY

I just hope to fucking die now as Ontario Housing is going to evict me in some way shape or form as they don't like me. Because I call them out on their bullshit. NEVER talk bad about Ontario housing or you WILL END UP HOMELESS. Thats where I'm heading I'm pretty sure after they get my call that I am the one who INNOCENTLY moved the signs for SAFETY reason.

I may as well start packing today,.... 

Noone seems to want me around. Maybe today I will have that heart attack and die. Finally leaving this world that seems to hate me.

DIE DIE DIE

It's the only way for me to find peace now

My heart is broken

Guess what I opened Facebook to again today? A fucking pop-up "Are you ok"

Obviously I am not ok. But just getting pop-ups and no help has forced me to realize I have no friends. I have noone who cares if I live or die. I screamed on facebook for help and got a fucking pop-up.

I guess thats all I'm worth 

a fucking pop up

I think it's time to leave Facebook for good. I have "friends" on there that are reading all of my desperate posts - yet noone is offering help. So that tells me they are not my friends. Just people with a morbid fascination for what what finally happens to Jacquie Holyoak. They don't really care - they're just curious.

I mean NOTHING TO ANYBODY

And that last pop-up cemented that for me.

I am fucking alone and dying and none fucking cares

I am dying,... yet noone can help me

 

My cupboards are empty. I am running low on everything. I need to get out and do a supply run. But looking at the weather, I'm not getting out until the end of January now. I have been trying to get to Service Ontario to get my OHIP reactivated but I can't. Between pain and the weather I just can't get there. And now I need groceries too,...

I honestly feel like some pioneer on the prairies in the winter. Once the snow flies,... your stuck inside. NO SUPPLIES OR MEDICAL CARE until spring. But the truth is I live in a small town with about 30,000 people. But noone can see me. I am trapped inside my unit screaming for help but noone can hear me,...

I am losing hope

I am losing motivation

I am in so much pain I can't cope

But I am invisable to this world

Every morning I take my blood pressure - it's higher than the day before. Always reminding me that time is running out!!! If i dont find a doctor and consistent care - I WILL DIE SOON!

I still can't use my hands,...

I still can't feel my right arm,...

I still can't look after myself anymore,...

I closed up my other blog for good. Noone cares about me. They are just reading it for morbid fascination. Will she die or won't she???? But noone cares enought to help. So fuck them,... (this is my other blog that TONYA HALLS my enemy neighbour reads) so all I'm doing is cutting off information to her and Darren and Mark. I'm tired of the world KNOWING I need help but noone actually helping. So no point in writing anymore.

This blog has a completely different following of people. I find this blog my followers are other mental health sufferers and therefore much kinder. So i will leave this blog open but I cut all ties to the other one. Too hurtful knowing so many people read it yet still noone cares to help,....

I'm ready to die now. I know it's coming. Noone has my blood pressure and survives,....

But I will die alone and knowing noone fucking cared to help,....

NO HELP IS COMING and I am going to die

Can you imagine how that feels????

I am dying yet i can't even get a ride to sevice ontario,...

I am going to die becasue of no transprotation and noone hearing me.

I am fucking heartbroken,....

I'm not coping anymore

The stress is literally going to kill me

I have just spent the past hour a puddle on the floor. I have nothing left. I am not coping because I can't do it anymore because I have nothing left.

I had another bad day. I won't get into it but my heater sprung a leak in my bedroom flooding my brand new carpet with whatever it is coomes out of heaters,... It's been leaking for four days so my carpet is saturated and now ruined. Once it dries out it will be all full of mildew. The day did not progress well after that.

But I know 2 things are true if I am to survive.

I need to get the fuck out of Fergus and this building and Ontario Housing,.....

And if I don't get a doctor I will be dead before my vacation even gets here.

I can't fight anymore. My body has given up,... my soul is broken and all I do is cry now. I have nothing left.

what the fuck is wrong with this world

when you cant get to a dcotor to save your life

The only help I am getting,

 is if I pay out of my own pocket. 

and that is never going to happen

Not when all i need is a fucking ride to sevice ontario

this province thinks everyone is rich and has cars 

but we dont 

we are poor 

and cant access help

so need help with rides

I am going to die because I can't get to sevice ontario

I

am 

going 

to 

die 

becasue 

I

dont' 

have

a

ride

And this town has NO transportation

No buses

and ONE taxi that is always already in use

I am going to die

for lack of a ride

 I am so angry right now. I have googled what to do if you have no health card and need care for hypertension in the emergency room. I will be stuck with a bill that is the lowest over $1000 and can climb as high as $10,000.00.

So I tried walk in - need a health card

tried 811 - need a health card

tried other internet doctors - you have to pay and then they just tell you to go to your DOCTOR!! So, what twas the point in phoning?????? Waste of money,....

I have discovered that you cannot get health care in tis province unless you have a car.

Without a car I can't get to sevice ontario and i cant get my ohip reneewed 

WHAT THR FUVK AM I SUPPOSE TO DO TO GET HELP?????

Why is noone reading this: I AM DYING AND NEED HELP

I am dying

 

I goggled "My blood pressure is consistently around 192/113 every morning ~ am I dying"?

This was the answer:

A consistent blood pressure of 192/113 is considered "hypertensive crisis" or "severe hypertension" and is a serious medical situation that requires immediate attention. Readings of 180/120 or higher are considered a DANGER ZONE that, if left untreated, can lead to life-threatening issues, including stroke, heart attack, damage to your kidneys and heart and DEATH.

I am dying!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need help!!!!!!!!!

WHY wont anyone help me?????????

I need a fucking doctor and to renew my OHIP but I can't get help to do this,....

And knowing hundreds of people have read this and not one person has helped or even got in touch,..... proves,....

HELP IS NOT COMING ~ I am on my own

Knowing my family reads this and is ignoring it has left me just wanting to die. 

Get it  over with already. Obviously I'm  not getting medical help. I am invisable and unwanted and unloved.

I must be a fucking monster for noone to care I am actually DYING.

All I needed was help to get to Service Ontario but noone came,....

All I needed was a doctor ~ but even my local MP got annoyed at me even asking for help,.... do you really think when I reach out for help and get people being annoyed with me for asking??? Do you really think I'm ever going to ask for help again????? No,.... i'm tired of being made to look like a drama queen. I'm tired of making a fool out of myself asking for help on social media. People dont help,.... they judge you for 'ruining' their timeline with poverty and dying,.... again just an annoying person noone wants to hear about or deal with,....

This has told me all I need to know. I am a monster and noone is coming to help.

I am dying

I am dying

I am dying

But noone gives a shit

Slowly giving up

 

I woke up exhauted. No energy at all. Weak. 

I can't believe that getting health care is so hard.

I dont think I'm ever going to get there now,...

I am too sick to do it on my onw and need someone to actually bring me now. But theres noone.

I hope I die today. I can't cope with the struggle anymore,...

Feeling chilled right down to my bones

I am so cold today. I just can't seem to get warm.

Despite all my complaining about 'outside' of my apartment (the people), I actually love the inside. It's not beautiful. But it's mine and it's a place I can escape from the world outside. Right now it looks a lot like some cat cafe or shelter. Not much in the line of nice things. But I've had 'nice'. It didn't make me any happier to have nice things. It was a lesson I learned too late in life. After I returned from BC. I had nothing but the suitcases I returned with. It wasn't until then I realized that you needed very little. People buy way too much. I was a victim of this myself. Thinking you needed things to create a life. But now I know thats not true at all. It's experiences and loved ones that make a good life. And I was bone dry of experiences or loved ones at this point.

When I got back from BC I had to buy stuff as I was starting over. But my heart wasn't in it. I bought for necessity - not enjoyment. Things didn't hold any value to me. So I only bought the basic needs and then got Molly and Murphy. So my apartment is really catered to them, not me. My stuff is of the value that if my cats break it ~ oh well. I purposely didn't get anything that would upset me if it got broken. So really my tv's are the only things I worry about in here. The rest is all for the cats. When the cats are happy,... it makes me happy. 

And I realize now that my life wasn't happy before because I was missing the things I mentioned earlier. Experiences and loved ones. Well theres not a lot I can do about reconciling with my loved ones. (I'm open to it ~ they aren't) but I can change experiences. Not a lot, but enough to at least want to stick around for a few more years.

But I worry about my health now. I can't go to BC again if I'm not alive to go. I desperately need health care. And I can't even start thinking about a doctor or 911 call until I get my OHIP reinstated. Thats why I was so desperate to get to Sevice Ontario. I tried,... I had called a taxi at first. But we only have one in all of Fergus. I called it 3 times but got no answer. So at that point I knew if I was to get there I was going to have to walk. And of course as I mentioned I didn't get it, as I had forgotten one piece of 'proof of address'. I realized it as soon as I opened the door to Service Ontario. I was gutted. I quickly asked if I needed it for sure and I did. The worst part of it was I knew I needed it, I just forgot it. I thought I had done a check list when I left but I guess I forgot that. So I was more angry at myself than anything. And now I have to do it all over again when the snow and bad weather let up.

And speaking of the cold and snow,... that is why I just can't seem to get warm today. I love my apartment ~ especially the huge windows. But when the temperature dips down below a certain degree, my heat can't keep up. Probobly the big picture windows letting out the heat. (??) And this past week has been very cold. I can't seem to get this apartment warm. I have a little heater but I can't run it too long. I have a heating pad which helps a lot. As a person who grew up in Canada I know about cold weather. But as I get older it seems to effect me more. And today for some reason has been the worst day yet. I just can't seem to warm up. And when I get like this the only thing to do for relief is to have a hot bath. An epsom salt and lavendar bath to ease the pain and melt the cold I can't seem to get out of my bones today. 

I didn't even take my blood pressure today. I just don't want to know anymore if theres nothing I can do about it. :(

I dont see the point anymore

 It's minus 7 degrees outside and miserable

But I want health care

So i walked all the way 

to Service Ontario

Only to find I was short 

ONE fucking ID

So I walked home with no health care

I am FROZEN

I am in pain

and I am sitting here bawling my eyes out

Life should not be this hard

WHY is life this hard?

I dont' know what the point is anymore

No joy and nothing but hardship

I walked about 4 or 5 km and still 

did not get health care

I must have been a serial killer 

in a past life

becasue I feel like I get nothing but

PUNISHED

Do I really need health care??

I do

But I'm too tired and weak to get it

What is the fucking point now?

Hard realization to learn ~ noone fucking cares

 When you basically lose all self respect and go onto Facebook and make a post like this:

I am going to die because I can't find transportation or a doctor! Can't get health care until I get to Service Ontario to reinstate my OHIP but I cant get there as I'm too weak now and the weather wont allow me to walk. I am going to die because I am invisable to this world. My blood pressure is always high now. I AM DYING and need help but people just read these and think I am crazy. Look at her making a fool of herself on Facebook,... I asked the MP,... I asked 211 and health connect,... I asked and asked and asked and noone answered,.... I am invisable to this world.

**********************************************************************

I got 1 like and 1 comment (thank you Trish you were the only person in the entire world that even let me know you care). Instead I got dozens of the dreaded pop-up "are you ok?"

NO - NO I am not fucking OK!!!!!!

But clicking on something that takes all of 2 seconds for you, and then you walk away and forget about me altogether? Thats not caring,... thats satisfying yourself so that you can say you helped,... Assuage the guilt of KNOWING I AM IN SERIOUS TROUBLE BUT NOT WANTING TO ACTUALLY GET INVOLVED YOURSELF. I am never good enough for anyone to actuallly reach out to me in person. I am a post on Facebook to people and that is all.   So to those of you thinking you are doing something???? YOU ARE NOT!!!You didn't help at all,.... helping and caring would be to contact me to see if there was anything you could do to help. A real friend would do THAT - not click on one button and then forget about me and go on with your day. 

This post left me heart-broken. I made an absolute fool of myself and yet,.... in the end I realize noone really cares. NOONE is going to reach out,... noone wants to get involved. 

I AM NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH FOR ANYONE TO CARE TO HELP

That is the message I got from that post. I don't understand. I am desperate!!! I have tried everything,... but I just can't seem to get one person to actually lift a finger to help. 

I am not asking for money!!!!!!!! I think people think I am grifting for money. But let me tell you something. In the 26 years I have lived in poverty - NOT ONCE did I ever ask anyone for a penny. NOT ONCE. That isn't even what I need.

I need rides as the winter has been brutal and I can't get out. My cupboards are bare as I can't get grocery shopping done. I have about 10 errands that need doing but I can't get out. 

I AM NOT ASKING FOR MONEY!

Yet ***crickets***

I have a brother who lives a 5 minute drive away - but hates me.

I have a daughter that lives 2 minutes away - but hates me.

I have no friends anymore. They got mad when i made a post saying that the middle class have it so much easier that we do and they thought I was making a dig at them,... whatever,... that just told me that they didn't want me as a friend anyway. You don't end a friendship over just one post,.... so I didn't fight it. I just disappeared from their lives. 

What all this has told me is this:

I am not worth saving,...

I am not worth helping,...

I am not liked enough for people to care,...

I am a hated mentally illl monster that noone likes,...

How would you feel if you had no doctor but knew you were dying,... How would you feel if you asked for years and years and years for help but got nothing but silence. how would you feel if you were making a fool of yourself just trying to get someone to see you ~ but noone cares. They read you are dying,....

Let me write that again so we can see how bad it is,...

They read that I am dying and need help but only one friend responded. I wrote that I am dying and noone cared,....

That was soul destroying and I'm never getting over that. I was just told YOU DON'T MATTER so fend for yourself as noone is going to ever help you.

I screamed for help and got silence

How do you think that makes a person feel. I'll bet if YOU told someone you were dying EVERYONE would help you. Your family,... your frineds,.... everyone,....

When I say I'm dying noone cares,... (I dont even think they believe me) 

I can't get past that. It left  me feeling horrible.

I am not worth saving to this world. Noone would care if I died today,... noone would even bat an eye,...

Infact when I do have a heart attack and die,... from what I just learned ~ I think people will just be relieved

Thank God the mentally ill monster is gone,....

YAY!!!!!!!! 

The perosn noone liked is GONE

And I died knowing I was hated and not worth saving,...

There is no worst feeling in the world knowing you are alone and unwanted and invisable,.....

I am going to die because I was invisable to this world and can't get a doctor or help!!!

 

I had planned to get up early today and walk to Service Ontario and get my health card sorted out. I had phoned them yesterday to see why it was invalid and it was because of BC. I figured that but it was a little confusing as I had used this health card once in Emergency after I came back so why wasn't it noticed then? Doesn't really matter anyway,... just as long as i get it sorted out. I have to go in person and show all of  my ID. 

But of course in my life nothing is easy. We dont' have buses here in Fergus and we only have ONE taxi. And this taxi is usually busy with school runs and other scheduled fares. Your lucky if you don't have to wait an hour for one. So I just walk everywhere. And that is exactly what I had planned for today. 

But that isn't going to happen. I woke up around 3 with a headache. Not good. Thats a sympton. I got up and took my blood pressure and it was over 200 ~ very scary. So I just sat there as quiet as I could until it went down enough I wasn't worried. It's now down but still high. I desperately need to get help but I can't do anything until my health card is re-instated. And thats not going to be today,... looking out my window there is a storm raging and it's -14*. I am not going anywhere today.

So i literally sit here crossing my fingers hoping I don't die today of a heart attack or stroke.

My head doensn't feel well. There is pressure,... things are getting worse.

HOW am I going to get to Service Ontario to get my health card re-instated??? This storm is forecasted for the entire week. I may not be able to walk there for weeks,.... or even a month. 

My life could be saved if only I had transportation,.... but noone offers me a ride ~ ever. That tells me I'm not worth saving.

This is why my life is so difficult. What others don't even think about, I can't do. No car,... no transportation and the weather refuseing to co-operate. I am trapped inside my apartment. And each hour that goes by,... I get worse. I am weak now. I don't even know if I have the energy to get to Service Ontario,... it may be too late for me now.

I say it again,... "The middle class have it so much easier than we do 'down here'" I cna't even get out to get health care,....

I am very, very worried I will die before I can get out,.....

This is life completely alone with no family or help. Frustrating and heart=breaking,... knowing you are dying but noone cares and your left to fend for yourself. And I've reached a point where I can no longer look after myself. I can't get out to do groceries anymore,... I can't get out at all as my body is shutting down and i feel weak now.

I am on borrowed time ~ but no help is coming.

So again, I leave out my basket of end of life care as I really dont think I am going to live much longer. And with no family someone has to know what to do with me. So I have left out my instructions.

When i die noone will know. I will have to be found. Alone. I knew I would die alone but now that I fear it is close I am feeling scared. With every heart palpatation and shortness of breath ! I panic. Is this the end? 

All I wanted was a doctor,....

But I am a mentally ill monster to this world noone wants to see or deal with,...

So I sit here waiting to die.

If i stop writing maybe someone should call 911 for a wellness check as I really do feel in my heart and soul and bones that I am dying and it's not far off.

If I had a doctor and health care ~ I COULD BE SAVED!!!

But i dont and noone seems to care,....

So i guess I won't see my vacation afterall

Unless I get medication and care I will dead in weeks or months.

So sad I mean nothing to this world and I will die alone knowing nobody cared,...

I feel like the most unwanted - unloved - monster that ever lived.

 All I wanted was help

In case they find me dead

I have woken up not feeling well. Subtle symptoms but symptoms all the same. Low dull headache,... no energy at all. My blood pressure is extremely high this morning.

But I feel too weak to go to Service Canada today to renew my health card. So without healthcare coverage I refuse to call for help. I am not going to get stuck with a bill for thousands,... it isn't worth it to me. It's just easier to die of a heart attack.

And in light of this view,... 

I feel like I am dying

So I have left a basket on top of my stove. It contains all my end of life care. There is noone to call so just call the crematorium. All the paperwork is there.

I dont' know what else to do,.....

If I can't get help,... then I should at least leave my end of life care instructions out for the cops to find.

I have left instructions for the cats as well.

I am dying and not one person on this planet gives a fuck

And I'm too weak to care anymore,.... just let me die now

Canadians Are Not Living Anymore.. They Are Now Just Holding On

This video made me so sad. I was born in Toronto (in 1963) and this Province is my home. I was so PROUD to be a Canadian. When I travelled I made sure I had a Canadian flag on me somewhere. I was PROUD TO BE CANADIAN!

But the Canada I was born into is NOT the Canada I live in today,...

I used to be so proud,... up until about 5 years ago 

And after seeing this video, I don't think I am the only Canadian wondering as this women in the video did,... "What the fuck is going on with our Country?"

I think if your middle or upper class you dont' see it as much. But living 'down here in poverty' I see everything and I feel the resources that were put in place in the sixties, seventies and eighties for us have disappeared and I am living in poverty becasue the money is all gone.

The money in Canada is all gone and I am paying for it,.... thousands are paying for it,...

Where did all the money go Canada???? And why does it seem like we are being left to struggle while the rich get richer?

This video made me cry,... because this is MY Toronto. The Toronto I was born in.

Just feel like the world doesn't care and I am going to die alone

 

I am dying ~ I am in the second stage of hypertension and I will be dead soon. I am not going on my vacation as I won't be alive. My blood pressure is so high now it is never low. I WILL have a stroke or a heart attack before I am able to enjoy my vacation on June 30th.

All my life I have been alone. I have had to deal with life and it's problems alone. But now I am tired and  I can't do it anymore. I was hoping to get a holiday in but I know from these readings that I won't be alive when the time comes.

I do not have the energy to walk to Ontario Service. I don't have the eneergy becasue I am dying and can't walk there.

I am tired,... and now I just want to be left alone to die

When someone finds me,... I will have my end of life papers out with all my wishes. 

Until then,... I guess I just suffer,...

FUCK YOU ONTARIO

FUCK YOU CANADA

FUCK YOU DOUG FORD

Because in the end I was just an invisable burden noone wanted to deal with.

So best I have this heart attack and just die

Then everyone will be happy they no longer have to deal witht the annoying woman who only wanted health care,...

I only wanted health care,....

But instead I was an invisable mentally ill monster noone wanted to know,... and died alone,... wondering why noone would help,....