safe for a few hours

I am safe. I am sitting alone in a motle room. I have food and my medicatins and all my devices so for the moment ~ I am ok. Tomorrow? Tomorrow is a fresh day and I will deal with tomorrow,... tomorrow. but for this very moment I am safe and grateful for it.

But I had to write ~ as best I can without glasses ~ as I can't even see what I am typing on the screen. 

But I just had to type that whatever happened between me and D was between us. I need you all to know that she is still a good and kind woman. But she is troubled with a lot of stress and I needed peace and it wasn't in her home. Thats all I will say. Becasue aside from our disagreement - she is a good woman. And no mater what happens to me I will always be grateful to her for reaching out a hand - a home - when noone else did. So people sometimes can't be together as they are both troubled and need different things. But D is a great lady and i wish her well in her life. She deserves it.

As for me,... I can't see the remote so I am sat watching a marathon of Highway thru Hell. I can't change the channel so I just watched it. I tokk some edibles and feel calm. I needed calm. I needed some PEACE. And for the next few hours I have that. I am grateful.

Tomorrow I will find a way to get into Duncan or Nananimo to get glasses so I can read again. I am so blind right now. Thank god I took typing in high school waaaay back in the seventies and learned to type without looking at the keyboards and can type 120 words a minute. I just hope you all can read this and its' not a bunch of giberish.

I just need to be deadnow

 Sitting here in the Croft Inn in Crofton BC

I am waiting for the buses to run again on Monday.

I will catch the bus into Duncan to find some reading glasses (cheaters) as I can't see a fdamn thing right now

Then I will get to Nanaimo to catch a plane or ferry to the mainland. 

There is no place for me on this planet and I am too tired to struggle any longer

I am gont to the lower east side and finiahing my original plan

fentanyl overdose

I can't wait for it all to be over

I amso done

So done

So done

I just need to be DEAD

 I knew it would be too good to be true,...

It always is with me

I can't do this anymore

It's just time to die

I just can't live in that trailer

I tried talking to Dianne. But she doesn't get it. She says the trailer is fine. She will just take the shop vac to it for all the mouse droppings and it will be fine. She said she lived in there for months. But she didn't live there after a tenant left such a bad mouse infestation. I am not talking dozens or hundreds of droppings,... I am talking thousands of droppings. Everywhere you walked there was mouse droppings.

I cannot and will not live in this trailer.

So,... there is going to be conflict. I am already looking for a new place.

My lilfe is over

I think it's back to the lower East Side fentanyl overdoes again

I am NOT living in a trailer infested with mice and rats. 

I hate being poor ~ I fucking hate it

Now I have to find a new place - lose Dianne as she will be mad.

I am in trouble

I think I've run into trouble

It is the evening of day 6. My time here has been perfect. This place is everything I have dreamed of ~ and more. But today,... things changed. Now, I am in turmoil. I finally went out to look into the trailer that I will be living in. I can't,... I just can't,... there is a mouse and rat infestation in there!! At first I thought it would be fine as I have OCD. I've never been afraid of a good deep clean. A good scrub and bleach and it will be great. 

But then I started looking up how to clean up mouse droppings safely and now I am scared to death. It causes hantavirus. From what I saw in that trailer they are in the trailer, under the trailer,... and the droppings are EVERYWHERE. I'm starting to see that it isn't SAFE for me to clean this much of an infestation. She is using poison and thinks that will clear it all up and then we just clean. But I thought I could just sweep it all up but after reading medical articles that will cause this hantavirus. And it's a pretty serious sounding disease.

I don't know what to do!??

Dianne has been so kind in every other area. I think she really does just believe the trailer is dirty and needs a clean. I dont' believe she tried to dupe me or anything. But I can't live in that trailer ~ EVER! Even if it is exterminated (which I have looked into) they will need to do it twice for something with this much of an infestation.

I don't know what to do!? 

But my OCD will NEVER allow me to live in that trailer ~ ever.

I am going to talk to her but it is a really bad time. She is napping and now and tomorrow morning driving to Alberta. I don't want to piss her off or upset her before she has to make this huge drive. But on the other hand ~ I am freaking out!!! I am poor! I can't just go find other accomodation. And I don't want to alienate our friendship. 

I don't know what to do!?

This is the only time I wish I was a millionaire. Then I could just FINALLY buy my OWN place and never have to live off the mercy of others again. 

I have to say that when I first looked in that trailer there was mouse droppings everywhere. My 'finally getting a better life" bubble burst into a million pieces. My life is fragmenting again. I had no other choice but to come here,.... and she is the only person who cared enough to give me a home. But this home? (the trailer) I am so freaked out I just want to go back to my "lower East Side" and the fentanyl OD plan again. Afterall,... now it's just a ferry ride away. Why do things like this keep happening to me? I'm getting old now and I just can't take the problems anymore.

What the fuck do I do now?????

Day 6

I slept like a baby the first two nights I was here but for some reason after that I haven't been able to fall asleep. I think it is probobly the time difference. Ontario is 3 hours behind BC time and I think I am still aclimatizing. The other reason I think I can't sleep is the difference in noise. Back in Fergus, there was constant noise. Traffic, people,... it was a city. But here ~ its so quiet at night. Just the roosters and other nature sounds. I love it but I don't think I am used to it yet. Another reason I don't think I can sleep is I used to fall asleep to the tv. I had a tv in my room and I would have that on quietly in the background. I don't have a tv in my room here. So last night I took out  my Ipad and played "Call the Midwife" all night quietly. I fell asleep instantly. However ~ I woke back up again at three and have been awake ever since. I guess it will just take time to adjust.

I am hoping to get into town ~ which around here means Duncan ~ to pick up some things. I am hoping to start on the trailer tomorrow. D is driving to Alberta for a few days and while she is gone I am hoping to go in and clean out the trailer. But I have to go into town and get some supplies first. I also want to pick up some thank you cards from somewhere. So many people helped me out that last few weeks before I moved and I would just like to thank them by sending them a card.

My trailer once it is cleaned out and some repairs done

I am looking forward to an important football game on Sunday. If your not into football you won't know what I'm talking about, but the Vancouver Whitecaps will be playing Cruz Azul in the CONCACAF Champions Cup. For those not in the know ~ it's a big deal. Concacaf is the tournament to qualify for FIFA for Canadian and Mexican and American teams (and a few other countries) to qualify for playing in the biggest tournament of all ~ FIFA. So to me this is going to be a great game. Vancouver has already sold out at all the viewing parties. Vancouver will be overrun with football fans Sunday. I wish I was there but ~ money. Maybe in time I can go to a game here at BC Place. But for now I will just have to be patient.

My lawyer called yesterday to say he has closed out part of the case with a settlement. It is not as much as I had hoped it would be but it is still enough to give me some financial security. I am ok with this settlement. My insurance payments will now end so I am ONLY living on $851.51 a month. THAT IS IT!  I pay $750 rent. So I only have 150 dollars left over to live on which of course isn't nearly enough. So this little nest egg will have to be budgeted very strictly to last. I don't want to say how much I got but it is under $10,000.00   I really could have used more than that, but thats life. I will make do. It's still better than no money at all. But I will be living very frugally from here on in. I am just as poor here as I was in Ontario (if not more) but the difference is, I have a life to go with this poor existence here, whereas in Fergus, I was trapped in the system living in a box ~ isolated from the rest of the world. Here, I may be poor, but I am 'happy' poor if that makes sense. Life will be tough - but at least now I HAVE a life. And that is all I had ever been asking for. A better quality of life ~ and now I have it. Poor or not,... life here is still much better than it ever was in Ontario.

Planning to re-open Blackberry Patch BnB

Six o'clock and I got woken up by the roosters in the back yard. Dianne (who I will call "D" from here on in) thought I would be bothered by them but I actually enjoy them. Its cooler today. Grey and overcast. But even the weather can't dampen the beauty of this province. Everyday I wake up in awe and can't wait to get out and enjoy it.

D has left for a good part of the day so I am sat here looking out the front window drinking coffee watching Coronation Street. I haven't been watching TV at all since I have been here. Which is exactly what I wanted. A life! No more sitting infront of a tv all day because I couldn't get out. Now my days are filled with everything but tv. But I do still enjoy my Cory Street so here I am sitting happily starting my fifth day living in British Columbia.

Looking out the front window

I am still in shock about what happened in Liverpool this week. After winning the Premier League the team, Liverpool FC, was celebrating in a parade when a car drove into all people celebrating injuring 79 people. The football community in the premier league is a tight community. When something happens they all gather together to mourn. Not just Liverpool, but all the teams. It has left everyone in this community shocked and saddened. Everytime I see it on the news my heart breaks. How sad that there are such evil people in this world.

Yesterday we drove into Ladysmith. We stopped at Transfer Beach so I could dip my toes into the pacific ocean for the first time. I am now an offical British Columbian. I am still in awe with all the new things I am seeing everyday. I am like a child discovering life. Everything is new and interesting to me. I think D is getting sick of me asking her questions all the time. "Whats that?",... "Where are we now?",... I just have this thirst for all things BC right now. It's just so different than Ontario.

The situation here right now is I am living in a room inside D's home. My trailer is out in the backyard but it is not livable right now. It needs to be cleaned out from the last tenant. I can do that myself but it will have to be done in small doses. A little bit at a time. It could take me weeks. So in the meantime, I am living in the main house with "D". We are planning to re-open this home as a B & B. Dianne used to run this as a B & B before covid. But had to stop. Now that things are better in her life, she plans to re-open her home once again. It is called The Blackberry Patch BnB. She has two suites to let as well as the 'wing' that I am living in now. Once we get my trailer cleaned out and I go in there, we can start planning the re-opening of this B & B. Once it is open,... I invite all of you to look it up and see if a trip to Crofton BC is in your cards. If it is,... we will have a lovely place for you to stay. A bubble tub every day,... infinite amounts of blackberries growing like weeds on the property. There is hiking, kayaking,... there is just so much to do and see here. And now that we have made these plans to re-open it again, I am feeling worthwhile again. Now I have a plan. A project. A purpose in my life. And I couldn't be happier. So mark your calendars for the re-opening of Blackberry Patch BnB. 

Jacquie "Indigo~Rose" Holyoak is back and ready to face the world once again!!!

Missing my Dad

I woke up to the rooster crowing this morning. Bright and early. I still smile everytime I open my bedroom curtains and see my view. I want to pinch myself to see if it's real. I am still in awe of the ocean and can't get enough of looking at it. 

I have been fascinated with the nature here on the island. So very different that back in Ontario. But it would be at 4445 km apart. The first thing that amazed me were the hawks, turkey vultures and bald eagles. I see them all the time. They fly around like sparrows do back in Ontario. And they fly in multiples. They are vultures so they are circling critters. But they are quite awesome to see. The first thing I noticed was their wingspan. A good 6 to 8 feet. And when fly right over top of you it is quite a sight to see. Dianne was telling me about a time a turkey vulture attacked a duck and without thinking she tried to save the duck. It had flown over and dropped the duck and when she picked it up to save it she had to become very aggresive to scare the vulture away!! She saved the duck but these birds have 3 inch talons and just hearing that story made me afraid of these birds. Just last night, Dianne and I were looking out the kitchen window and we saw a hawk steal an egg from the chicken coup. Just carried it away in it's mouth. I feel like a child at times becasue everything is new and exciting to me. I am just full of wonder of it all. 

The whole landscape of vegetation is different too. Living in a rain forest everything is different than it was in mid-Canada. Everything is so green. But the gardens,... all of the gardens out here are gorgeous. Flowers everywhere. It's like being in a tropical country sometimes. I am constantly asking Dianne "what is that,..." 

But unfortunately, all of this is making me miss my Dad. My adopted Dad is a photographer. And I know that everytime I see something beautiful ~ I right away think Dad would have loved this,... I wish he were here. His family is here,... and I know he would have loved taking pictures here. He was also a great british gardener. His gardens were something the neighbourhood raved about. So when I see all the lovely gardens here, I know he would have loved it too. It just seems everything I see and do - reminds me of him. It makes my heart a little melancholy. He passed away several years ago now so its a little surprising to me that I am suddenly missing him so much. I think it's just 'his' enviroment here and I know he would have loved it.

Another thing I learned today is that Pamela Anderson lives 20 minutes down the road. Dianne drove me past her home. It's beautiful. Apparently everyone here is very protective of her and dont' allow tourists, etc,... to bother her so she can live a normal life here just like the rest of us. So who knows,... maybe some day I will be grocery shopping and I may end up passing Pamela Anerson in the aisle.

I have to stop here as I have to jump into the shower to get ready. We are driving into Ladysmith later today.  

Second day in BC

 Day 2 in BC.

I haven't been able to find time to sit down and write since I got here. So, I'll start at the beginning.

The flights over. The day of my move I woke up at four oclock in the morning ~ anxiety,... excitement,... I just couldn't sleep so I got up. Hayley came over around noon and helped me get a lot of the packing done. Her boyfriend ( avery seasoned traveller) picked up my suitcases and said they were fine for weight. I was so worried they were overweight but he said they were fine. And they were. All of my luggage was fine. Infact, the whole airport experience went smoothly. The only trouble I ran into was pain. I have a limit of about 2 hours sitting before the pain gets unbearable. My first flight was 4 hours and 20 minutes. If I'm to be honest it was excruciating. The connecting flight was shorter - just under 2 hours so that was although not comfortable, it was at least bearable. But it was all forgotten the minute I landed. Unfortuantely it was dark when we flew into Nanaimo so I couldn't see very much. When we landed the weather was warm. 18*. Because Nanaimo has such a tiny airport we walked off the plane right on to the tarmac. It took all of 5 minutes to get my luggage and meet Dianne out front.

By this time I was in pain, and quite tired. But I still felt good. I have to admit there was one moment I had a wobble. As we took off from Pearson in Toronto it was daylight so I could see everything. Looking at all the familiar landscapes I had a tiny moment where I felt a bit,... sentimental. A few tears filled my eyes but it was gone quickly.

Everything is so much different here it's almost like being a differnt country. You definitely know your in a rainforest enviroment. The first thing I noticed getting off of the plane was the smell. It was fresh. Ocean air. It was wonderful. I wanted to stand there and take it all in but I was hurried into the terminal to get my baggage.

It was so late when we got to Diannes. But we ended up sitting up most of the night catching up. She is just as I remember her. Lovely! Her home is beautiful and it sits on a lot of land so it's quiet. When I woke up, I looked out my window and saw the ocean. That made me smile. I stood just and took it all. In the neighbours feild a sheep stood eating grass. 

The first morning I was there a new chick has been born. So i was woken up by the soft little peeps of a baby chick. A second one arrived the next day. It is definitely country living and I love it.

That first day Dianne showed me around in her brothers hot rod. That was fun. We turned up the tunes and drove. The small curvy road surrounded by nature with the mountains peeking up over everything. No matter where we drove,... we could almost always see the ocean. That was something I enjoyed.

Today we drove into Duncan and did shopping. Everything we do is exciting and new to me. Now, it is seven o'clock and Dianne is cooking steaks. I am spoiled. I feel like I am on vacation and will have to go back home soon. I have to keep reminding myself that this IS home. And everytime I do I smile.

Sorry but that is all the time I have for now. But I just wanted to write to say that I have NO REGRETS. I am happy. And I feel hope for the first time in 8 years.

    

Three hours and counting

It is just after 11:00am. I have been up since four o'clock. Anxiety,... excitement,... kept me from sleeping. I had so much to do still. So I got up and put the coffee on. This would be the last pot of coffee I will make in Ontario. I had a shower and then did all the laundry. Once the laundry was dry I finished packing. Or at least I think I have finished packing. Knowing me, I will re-do another 3 times before I go.

I woke up to great news. Hayley is coming here at noon to help me check in on-line and check my luggage. She is a well seasoned traveller and knows a lot more about flying than I do. She'll know what I can and cannot take just by looking at it. I have to confess, I feel a bit relieved knowing she will be 'giving the inspection' that all is ok. I am also just thrilled because I get to say good-bye. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to do that. 

A few more people have picked up stuff. And the remainder will be taken to charity by a neighbour. So in the end, I got it all done except my old carpet. It's too big for me to deal with so I will have to leave that behind for housing to deal with. But their maintenance are big burly guys so I don't mind passing this one job on to them. The rest of the apartment will be left clean and empty.

So,... three hours and counting.

I will catch you on the west coast the next time I write.

Almost gone

 

My stuff is almost all gone. I have someone coming to pick up the armoir and the bed. And that is the last of the big stuff. So thankfully I finally got rid of the armoir. (pending they show up and take it). My apartment looks so empty now. 

It was very different waking up this morning. No Maggie. No meowing for her breakfast. No scooping the litter box. And no morning cuddles. It just feels so empty in here now. 

I have people coming all day for pick ups so I will just be hanging out here at home. I did too much again yesterday so I want to just relax and watch tv today. 

It's all becoming so real now. I can't believe that in 24 hours I will be on my way to Pearson Airport and boarding a plane to my new life. It's exciting but also terrifying. Even now I still have no regrets. There was no way I could stay in this building with Tonya Halls. I would never have a life if I stayed here. No,.. I know I have done the right thing in moving out of here. But that doesn't make it any less daunting. 

But my spirits are still high (about the move - but sad about Maggie) and I am looking forward to tomorrow no matter how scary it will be.

Roll on May 24th,... The beginning of my new life.

R.I.P. Maggie

"Margaret Mary O'Reilly"

R.I.P. my sweet angel 

Feb 15th 2007 ~ May 22nd 2025

3 days and counting

Poor Maggie. She knows something is up and won’t get off my suitcases. My heart breaks knowing what is coming. I am so angry that I am having to put her down. All because ONE woman obsessed with me couldn't leave me alone and bullied me right out of the building. Because of this one woman ~ my life changed and that change means I have to put my beloved Maggie down. 18 years I have had her, and because of one woman ~ I am losing her. TONYA HALLS I will never - ever - forget this. And I will never forgive you,... how would you feel being forced to put that dog of yours down??? Some people need a good lesson in morality and descency. But,... I am leaving this toxic enviroment behind forever,... but I had to take the loss of losing my best friend "Margaret Mary O'Reilly" to escape it. And for that I will never forgive Tonya Fucking Halls!!!

*******************************************************

But I am putting a line under the whole sorry affair. Once I leave this place, I will put it out of my mind and never have to live it again. ESCAPE! It couldn't have come at a better time.

My friend Becky is coming over today to say goodbye. So I guess it's time for the good-byes. I am not good at them. I have said goodbye to far too many people in my life over the past few years so goodbyes are hard for me. I don't have many people here in Fergus I will miss but there are a few. Becky, Kirk, and Hayley. But I just keep in mind that I am going to have a fresh start. I will meet new people and start a new life. I guess you have to sacrifice some things to move on to a better existence. 

I am still very tired. I have been doing way too much. But with only 3 days left I just put my head down and get 'er done. There will be time for resting once I get to BC. Until then,... I just keep on pushing forward. 

There is a big game today for Manchester United. But because it is a Europa League final I don't have the streaming site to watch it. I will have to follow pod-casts on Youtube. But it is something to look forward to today. I've had my shower and done the dishes and vacumned so I am all ready to relax and listen to the game later. 

Go Reds Go!!

I have hit a wall

Although my mind is still in good spirits, my body has hit a wall. Physically I have done about as much as I can do. Even with rest the pain isn't going away. Every inch of my body is exhausted. I was so wiped out yesterday that I went to bed at 7. I didn't wake up until 9 this morning. I obviously needed the rest. But even so,... I still feel wiped out and all I want to do is sleep.

But,...I have things to do. I have a few people coming over to look at a few more items I am selling on Marketplace. I'm getting tired of all the selling now. Everybody wants stuff for nothing and then they don't even show up to pick it up. It's a huge waste of my time. But it got rid of a lot so I just put up with it. 

I have some good news. Hayley texted me. It wasn't all hearts and rainbows but she replied. She actually offered to drive me to the airport but I have already booked the car service. So I asked her to come in the morning to be with me and say goodbye. She didn't say she would for sure but the door is open and thats all I can ask for.  An open door is not a no.

And thats it,... I am so tired I am just going to plop myself infront of the telly and veg all day.

4 more days and counting!

Just so happy now

The sun came out! Looks like it might be a nice day. I have two people picking things up between and 10 and noon. And then I'm going out for lunch. A while back a gentleman who was running for the liberal party in our county reached out to try and help me. He couldn't, but he remained in touch. Today his wife and himself are taking me out for lunch. I thought this was really sweet of them to do. I'm a little nervous as I am basically a recluse right now and feel a bit awkward in public places now. But, I have to get out and get back into civilization once again. I have a new life to live now and I need to get out there and meet people and socialize once again. I'm looking forward to that.

Another good thing happend. Hayley replied!!! She sounded good. And she is going to try and get here to say goodbye. But she works every day. And I leave in 5 days. But just having her answer my text was good enough for me. If she doesn't actually make it to say good-bye, at least the door is open for communicating now. Thats all I ask for. A chance,...

So I am sat here quietly listening to my favourite classical guitarist ~ Jesse Cook. I love his music and listening to it always puts me in a good mood. 

I can't believe just how good my life is right now. I'm almost a bit afraid. Experience has taught me that things always fall through with me. So I have a bit of anxiety about that. It's almost a "too good to be true" scenario. I feel like I need to pinch myself to see if it's all real.

I am just so happy now,....

Taking another day of rest

 I think Mother Nature is drunk. It's nearing the end of May and I have woken up to cold and grey. I will not be going outside today. I am still sore but not nearly as bad as yesterdy. I had a quiet relaxing day yesterday and it looks like I'm in for the same today. I woke up way too early again (4:00am) so I did a load of laundry. Now my suitcases are packed with clean clothes and ready to go.

There is a 3 hour time difference where I am moving. So I am slowly starting to adjust to BC time. I am trying to stay up as late as I can and sleep in. Going to bed later is working but I just can't seem to sleep in. I will change my clock once I'm on the plane. It will probobly take me a few days to acclimatize to the change. 

I am thinking of my daughters a lot over the past week. I would love to atleast say goodbye to them as I will never be coming back to Ontario again. The cost of the plane fair is too dear. But I don't actually think they care I am leaving. I am going to drop Hayley a quick text saying when I leave but I'm pretty sure I won't even get a reply.

I am spending a lot of time with Maggie. Spoiling her rotten The vet cmes to put her down on Thursday. My heart breaks and my eyes fill with tears every time I even look at her now. I am going to miss her terribly.

Right now I am watching what I always watch on Sunday mornings. "Skote Outdoors" on Youtube. A couple living off-grid on the east coast of Canada. I love watching how they progress and get things done. It's just interesting to me. So coffee in hand and Maggie at my feet I sit back in my delapitated old office chair and relax.

6 days and counting,...

My apartment is almost empty

 

I have been very busy. My apartment is about 2/3rds empty. I sold my couch and chair yesterday so now I am stuck sitting in an old and delapitated office chair. It's not very comfortable but it's somewhere to sit. I still have one week left here.

When I woke up this morning I couldn't move. I knew I had been doing way too much but if I don't do it ~ noone will and it has to get done. But all the moving of stuff has left me covered in bruises and in a lot of pain. So i had no choice today but to stop everything and just relax doing nothing. But thats not easy for an OCD girl. I see stuff that needs doing and I just want to get it done. But for today, my pain has decided I need to stop and relax and hopefully recouperate a little bit.

So I am sat watching football. Toronto is actually in the lead!! But it's still early so,... still time to choke and lose. :{

My poor money is dwindling fast. Even though everything is paid for I am a little nervous that it took more than expected leaving me with very little left. Travelling is always more than you expect. So I will be counting pennies for the next few months. My bank account is now empty and needs replenishing. I will have about $100 a month for food and other basic needs. So even though I am moving to BC,... and I have a place to stay - I still have to pay rent for it. I was hoping to have a lot more saved so I would have a cushion but unfortunately I have about $140 left. Ouch,.... but you know me. QUEEN of budgeting,... and I will get by.

I have only one thing on my mind right now and that is getting to BC. Once I am there ~ I will worry about money. One step at a time or I will get too overwhelmed. I have learned that things do end up ok so I just have to have faith it will all work out in the end. 

I didn't make near as much as I had hoped selling my stuff. I still have my bed and armoir left which was going to be my money maker. But,... no bites. I have lowered the price to lower than I wanted but still no bites.... I may have to take a loss and just leave it here and Kirk will end up taking it to get it out of here for me. But what he'll do with it I don't know. It will be a pain in the ass for him I'm sure.

Does anyone want to buy an armoir and matching bed?????

I gave away my pots and pans and grills, etc,... so I ordered a pizza this afternoon as a treat. How does one pizza and crazy bread come to $29??? Fast food delivery is getting out of my budget now. But today, I treated myself. So roll on football and pizza,...

One more week and counting.

8 more day s and counting

Although my day didn't start off the best, it ended up to be pretty good. Canada Post is threatening to strike so I needed to get to the Post Office today. But looking out my window this morning it looked grey. The clouds hung dark like they were ready to burst open at any moment. Hmmm I had to walk there with two boxes on my walker. If it rained it would ruin my boxes. But they wouldn't be open on the weekend so it had to be today. So I piled the boxes up and then covered them with my windbreaker jacket. That would atleast protect my stuff if it rained. I walked as fast as I could manage with two precariously perched boxes bouncing around on the walker. I must have looked a sight pushing that thing up and down the hills of Fergus. But I managed to make it there dry. So I was able to ship out two more boxes today. Six in total. Dianne said she has already received the first 4. So they are waiting for me when I get there. It was a hot and humid walk and by the time I got home I was sweating and exhausted. 

Kirk dropped by and we went for a strawberry milkshake and sat out in a park in Elora. By this time there was no sign of rain at all. The sun was out and it was really lovely just sitting on a bench down by the river. I always feel better when I get to sit in nature and this did seem to replenish my spirit. By the time we got home my memories of the post office marathon walk was just a distant memory.

And I got rid of some more stuff. Marketplace is driving me mad with the flaky people who say they will pick it up and then don't show. But the ones who did helped me get rid of a lot more. My apartment looks quite empty now. Making my move all the more real. But looking around ~ I  have no regrets. I needed a change. And I am anxious to just get on with it now.

8 more days and counting!!!!

bad news - I never seem to get what others get,..

I woke up to  my lawyer calling me. Not the best news. I am not allowed to talk about it on here but I have to talk about it. I am so disappointed. I got hit by a car. I lost the use of my right hand and arm and left with other problems. But becasue I am moving to BC,... my lawyer is trying toclear out the case and we have been offered ten thousand dollars. That is an insult tome. I lost the use of my arm and hand. And it would seem it is going to be PERMANANT. 

I dont understand the legal system. I think I just got screwed. Leaving Ontario should not have to end the case and end it with such a pittance. I am sorry I ever called a lawyer in the first place. A bunch of nonsense.

It's not just the legal system, It's Ontario. Ontario has pushed me out of surviving and this hindered the case. Being poor fucked me again. Ontario fucked me and I lost.

I am not happy at all about this. But theres not a damn thing I can do about it. So i have no choice but to just draw a line under it and move on. Look forward to what your getting. Dont look back at the case.

So i guess my life is now one handed. I have LOST THE USE OF MY RIGHT HAND and that got me a whole ten thousand dollars. Not fair,... not right,.... but what can I do? Nothing. So instead I am concentrating on getting the hell out of Ontario.

I hate Ontario right now. They threw me away and left me to rot. When I couldn't afford to live here they didn't care. Ontario HATES the disabled. And I am proof they don't give one shit about us. NOONE can live on their pittence of $1380 a month and I got sick of trying and only falling deeper and deeper into poverty. I was hungry!!!!!!

But leaving means I forfit the case. Life has just never  felt fair to me, I always seem to fall through the cracks and get nothing.

So roll on Vancouver. New start. Forget Ontario and just move on and make myself a good life. 

I hate you Ontario,...

I hate Doug Ford,...

I hate ODSP,....

I hate this province. 

9 more days and my new life begins and Ontario will be nothing but a bad memory.

I did not get good news but I can't let that affect me. I have to just move on.

10 days and I'm out of this toxic enviroment

My days are now selling. I practically live on marketplace on Facebook now.  But I have to tell you,... some of these people are scammers. I nearly got scammed yesterday. I am selling posters. Five dollars each. Some guy (which I later saw lived in Manitoba but at this point I didn't know that) He said can I have the posters and pick them up next week. i said I would be gone next week (as I just want them gone asap) and he said ok tomorrow. I said that was fine. Now he wanted my email so he could e-transfer me % dollars (Yes, I had to fight with him to say its 5 dollars each!!!!) I tried the e-transfer pop up on the text to process the etransfer. But it just spun a circle and wouldn't finish the process. He was getting very insistant to keep trying. Considering this was 5 dollar posters I was getting that feeling that your being scammed. He was way too pushy for posters. THATS when i read his profile and learned he isn't even in Ontario. He was trying to scam me. WARNING: I have never had to click on a link on someone elses text before to process an e-transfer. It ALWAYS comes as an email. But becasue I was busy and in pain I didn't quite catch on at first. he made me do it 3 times before I wrote back that I saw he was in Manitoba and how the hell were you going to pick up posters in ONTARIO tomorrow???? He left the message and I never heard from him again. It was a scam,... lesson learned. E-transfers are not sent through texts (are they???? anyone know?)

The second scammer coincidently wanted the same posters. I think they look for something of small value. Un der $10. He just strun g me along to the point I thought it was Tonya playing games with me. First,... I can't medically drive can you mail it? NO Can you deliver it? NO OK, I can get it. i will be there at 8. At 9 he showed up (too late as far as I am concerned) And as soon as he was in the parking lot suddenly he only had a $50 - do I have change? I know this scam,... they confuse youn with the change until they take back more without you even knowing it. Classic scam. So I said "I paid over $200 to have this canvas made - why not just give me $50?) He never answered and never rang to come up. It was a scam. NOONE comes to your door after 9 o'clock at night unless they are up to something, When I asked why he left,... he didn't even answer. 

But the rest of the day went well. I sold another hundred dollars so I can send a couple more boxes to BC through the post. I do realize there is a strike looming but I don't care. They don't need to get there immediately. Even if it's 6 months,... I will eventually get them. But I have to race to the post office now to get the 2 more boxes in BEFORE they announce the strike. As long as they are not in my livingroom, I don't have to worry about them. The weather is overcast today and my pain is too high for walking so it won't be today. Hopefully tomorrow I can get them out.

The people here are just proving to me how flaky and selfish they all are. I was in the gazebo yesterday and just looking around it hit me what flakes these people all are. I have 6 people who said they would pay me for stuff they took - now they can't be found. I knew this would happen. I wasn't expecting money from them. But they have proved my point that they will take but never intend to pay. I remember just thinking where have I been living the last 8 years?? And I was now ecstatic that I have gotten out. These people live for themselves and themselves only,.... I have never met such a sorry bunch of gossips and lyers and flakes in my life. 

but no worries,...  10 days and counting and I am out of here.

My days are so good now

Another early morning. Why? I can't seem to sleep in anymore. As soon as the birds start chirping ~ I'm up! I had such a busy day yesterday that by 10 o'clock last night I was wiped. Every inch of my body just wanted to sleep. So I dragged myself into my bedroom only to see I had forgotten to put the sheets back on the bed after I washed them. Too much work, so I just crawled on top of the heap and pulled the comforter over me and fell asleep. I was that tired. I have never slept in an unmade bed before. But I must have been exhausted as I didn'tmove until 6 this morning. I needed that sleep! 

More drama with people in this building (so happy I am leaving this place!) Twice people have said they want to take me out for luch before I leave. Unexpected but nice. So the first guy strings me along until I realize he has no money and is expecting ME to pay. So I have just avoided him for a bit. Yestrerday a girl I like came up to take a unit I had given her. She said we have to order chicken before you leave. So we did. Then she didn't pay. So I was left with a $51 bill. If i didn't already know these people I would be upset. But this is them,... this is what they are like and I know that. I like the people,... they just have issues. most of them are brain injury patients. So I have to give them allowances for that. You take the good with the bad with some of these folk. I just found it rather amusing that they asked me out for lunch and then I paid,.... lol,... you have to laugh I guess.

Today I have more people coming to look at furniture I'm selling. Every penny I can make will help. I am still on track financially and doing alright for the trip to BC. Every thing I need is already paid for. The plane ticket,... the taxi to the airport,... so the trip is covered. What I am worried about is when I get there. Once I am there all of my savings will have been wiped out. And I will have some expenses on the other side I will have to wait to get. A new tv (I am selling both of mine here) and whatever else I will need. Things are going to be so tight for awhile. But the balnce of what I am getting is worth it. If I'm going to be poor,... I would rather be poor in BC livng by the Pacific Ocean. You can't ask for more than that. Just get me to BC and I will get by. I have learned that it usually all works out in the end. I just have to be patient. You can't have eveything at once. 

Today I plan on relaxing. Sitting out in the gazebo just enjoying the sunshine. 

I have a whole new demeaner now. I am happier. I am more confident. I have hope for the future now. I always said I can't live with this pain if there nothing good as well to live for. NOW I have something good to live for I can cope with the pain. 

I never dreamed that at 61 I would be selling my whole life and hoping on a plane with the clothes on my back. It sounds terrifying. But even though I am anxious, I am not terrified. I am looking forward to it.

Yesterday I went to the walk-in clinic to get my medications sorted out. We decided the best thing to do would be to put my prescription into the pharmacy here for the next 3 months and then once I move and get a new pharmacy they can transfer the prescriptions. I also asked for a larazapn for the plane. I am quite anxious about travelling this day and the doctor suggested I take one larazapan as soon as I am seated on the plane and that should keep me mellow for a few hours. I eagerly accepted this suggestion. I have not flown in 25 years. I am nervous.

So I have my coffe and Maggie at my feet sleeping on my toes. Today I do nothing but relax,...

Got so much done today

I haven't been sleeping lately. For some reason I am waking up at ridiculously early times. This morning,... 5:30 (why??) But I figured since I was up I would get some stuff done. So since this morning I have done the laundry, walked to the Post Office and gone to Walmart. I heard there was a Postal strike looming so I wanted to get my boxes shipped to BC before that happend. So hopefully, if all goes well they will be waiting for me once I get there. Just a lot of 'comfort' things. My favourite mug, book, etc,... so it won't seem so inpersonal where I live. At least I will have my creature comforts.

The weather is gorgeous. Hot even. I ended up getting a bit burnt. Nothing new for me and my Irish skin. But getting outside and just enjoying nature has made all the difference. Now I am worn out. Time to call it a day (even if it is only 2:00pm) and relax for a while. I have been over doing it and I am paying for it now. 

I have the vet coming to put Maggie down on May 22nd. So I am trying to spend as much time with her as I can. She is getting spoiled rotten. It is going to break my heart to put her down but she will never survive the journey. Best to do the most humane thing and put her down. She is 18 and has had a good long life with me. But I will miss her terribly. (and to that Natalie - to think I could ever abandon my cat is just insulting. Your the person who has issues suggesting that to a total stranger) Oh wait - NOT a stranger,... TONYA with a fake profile. She is that low that she harrases me even when I'm putting my cat down. Cold,... very very cold hearted.

I have packed my suitcases in a 'dry run' and I should be ok. But how the heck do you know what is 50lbs? I have tried the scale but it doesn't fit. I have tried the scale with me holding it but I can't see the numbers!!! I guess I will just have to guess. If your bag goes over 50 lbs do they make you take stuff out? Or do they just make you pay extra? 

Things are really coming together now. I have a lot of anxiety. But I also have a lot of happiness to go with that. I'm looking forward to my brand new life. And now I am just itching to get going to start it. Roll on May 24th!

~ Happy Mothers Day ~

 For years now I have taken it,... "your a bad Mom" Ok, they didn't say those exact words, but telling me they don't want to be around me is the same thing, isn't it? And I HAVE taken it. I have WORN it. And it has made me feel horrible. I have lived feeling this way - unwanted and unloved by my daughters - for quite some time. Years,... It has made me hate myself. It has made me self harm. It has made me sad and depressed and feeling unworthy. I don't think there is a way to describe being rejected by your children. It just hurts ~ right down to your core. And because I believed I was a bad Mother,... I didn't like myself. And life has been very hard and lonely ever since.

But no more

I am starting a brand new life. I have SURVIVED five years of hell. And for some miraculous reason, I have been offered a solution. So I had no choice but to reach out and grab that help with both hands and gratitude. If my daughters can't understand that I was drowning and this*close to being homeless,... then maybe it would be beneficial to me to just cut them loose. I am tired of being rejected every time I each out to them. I am tired of being told my faults every time I reach out to them. I am tired of them just not believing me when I was in SERIOUS trouble and in need of so much help,... I am tired of them thinking I am a drama Queen just looking for attention. I am tired of being made to feel like the worst Mother in the world.

So with this new start comes a new confidence. I am a good person. And if my children don't want me in their life then that is ok. But it makes me sad that a little girl will never get that special love I have to give her. I would have treated her like a princess. I would have been the BEST Meemaw in the world. So as far as I am concerned ~ THEY have lost out as well as me. THEY will never see the great person I really am becasue all they can see are my faults.

As of today,... they know where I am. They know when I leave. It's up to them. But I no longer their punching bag of listening to every fault I have. If they didn't see any of my good traits? Then they didn't look too hard and wanted instead to concentrate on everything I've done wrong. They can only see the bad in me. That is so sad. Becasue if the truth be told,... I have spent very little time with them in the past 15 years so I don't even know them anymore. And they obviously don't know me and don't want to get to know me,... I have learned in life that you are not responsible for others thoughts and behaviours. I can say my peace and then it's in their hands.

I love my daughters more than anything. But I have had enough of being told I am a bad person every time i text them. (I say text becasue they wont' answer the phone when I call)

Roll On BC and a brand new life. I am a strong woman and I will get by. Would I love my children in my life. Absolutely,... but I can live without them.

This is all getting to be a bit much for me now

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mothers,... except me. My children pretend I don't exist so NO MOTHERS DAY FOR ME. Whatever,... I am so used to it it doesn't even bother me anymore. It's just another day.

I have had drama again. I cannot wait to get out of this building. One of the tenants stole from me and I ended up having to call the police today. It's a long story that drags out over the past week. But the bottom line is K***y took a computer,... a computer screen,... 3 old phones,... a table,... a set of shelves and walked out of my unit without paying. He is an Indian and thinks women are second class citizens. He talked over me,... he tried to control me,... but in the end he found out YOU DONT FUCK WITH IRISH WOMEN! He convinced the police he didn't have the phones (so I never got them back) but I did get the shelves and table back as well as the computer. I have said all along the people in this building are grifters and thieves and liars. I have never in my life come across such nasty folk as I have in this Ontario Housing Building.

I am counting the DAYS until I am gone,... 18 and counting.

I have run into problems getting rid of my stuff. People here have all come in and said "I'll take that,... and that,... and that,..." until I had everything gone. But suddenly they have all flaked on me. They don't have money (becasue they know I am leaving and want me to give it to them for free) So now I have to start all over again only this time on marketplace on facebook. I hate the flakes in this building. They have literally set me back a week. Bunch of grifters and thieves. I would rather throw my stuff in the garbage than let some of the scammers here have it. All they want is FREE STUFF.

When I got hit by the car last year ~ NOT ONE PERSON came to my door to see if I was alright. But as soon as I had free stuff to give away (all my small stuff I just gave away) they were lining up to see what they could scam for free. Soon as they got what they wanted - they go away and don't talk to you. When they first came in,... I almost found myself saying "caw,... caw,... caw,..." VULTURES! You should have seen them!  Didn't care I got run over by a car,... but now want all my kitchen stuff for free. Typical,... Having said that,... I do have to say that 2 women (M****n & D***A) were great. I had to stop taking their money as they kept giving me too much. So there are some nice people here. The nasty's just out-weigh them sadly,...

Again,... I cannot wait to board that plane and get the hell out of Ontario Housing.

I got a lot done despite the police today. I got rid of a lot more and someone from marketplace came to buy a small bench. I got $20 which in the end all adds up. I have made about $200 so far. 

I'm starting watching YouTube videos about travelling to Vancouver from Toronto and I have learned so much. There is so much I didn't know and would probobly have been stopped because of my baggage. So now I know exactly what I can and cannot bring. I also learned a lot of travel tips for comfort, etc,... I even watched a video of someone getting out of the taxi at Pearson and they video'd their whole experience going through checkout and boarding so I have a good idea what to expect now. When I get out of the taxi I will now know exactly where to go. This has lessoned some of my anxiety about travelling.

It was game day today so that had me in a good mood. Okay they didn't play the best but it passed the time.

And now I am cleaning. Now that some of the stuff has gone, I can see the floor again. So I vacumned and mopped the floors. Having OCD, it has not been easy for me living in what looks like a flea market for the past few weeks. But, I know it's only for a short time so I can deal with it.

Phew,... I am so exhausted. I am finding this all a bit much for me now. I am old and tired and in pain. But I still have to do it all by myself. It has been a lot. I really do need a break but I don't have the time. I am on a tight schedule to get stuff done so I have no choice but to just push on. I can rest once I am there.

My days keep on getting better

 Well Mother Nature has finally started to calm down. Today was a beautiful day. Warm,... sunny,... with just enough of a breeze to keep it from feeling hot. I couldn't in good conscience sit inside so I went out. Something interesting happened though. I have had a - well it's not a feud I guess,... more of a dislike for one another - relationship with this woman (I'll just call P) for the whole 8 years I have lived here. But another person just told me that she has just been diagnosed with parkinsons disease. Now I know about Parkinsons,... My father had it. And it's a nasty disease to have. So when I saw her sitting outside with her dog, I went over to tell her I was sorry to hear about her diagnosis. And wouldn't you know it? We sat outside chatting for a good hour! I found out we have a lot in common and she is a nice lady. But because of all the nonsense that goes on in this building, we stayed away from each other. There is a toxic energy to this place,... and it keeps good people apart for fear of gossip. Sad,... I have met more nice people in the past  month since I have known I am leaving than I have the whole 8 years I have lived here. This is NOT my enviroment and I am so gladI get to leave it behind me.

I finally came back in and now I am going to settle in for some games. It was nice out but my Irish skin was starting to look suspect,.. better to be safe than sorry. Sunburn is no joke on the Irish!

I have no idea what to do about dinner. I have nothing in and it's too late to run out and get something. I guess it's cereal again,... but with a perfect day like today,... who am I to complain?

To Natalie Barber - Fuck you

I don't know WHO YOU ARE Natalie Barber but the message you left in my facebook inbox was RUDE.

First you hid behind a fake profile and then wouldn't answer when I asked who it was,....

Hi, you dont know me but I've been seriously worried about Maggie. Please tell me you won't abandon her in her final hours when she will be terrified and looking for you as her mom. You owe it to her to be there with her! Please dont walk away Jacquie. Be strong for Maggie

 Can you believe that a complete stranger wrote this? HOW did she even know me and HOW does she know I own a cat and the biggest question,... WHY the fuck would I abandon Maggie?? Such a stupid message. Probobly one of Tonya Halls minions.

It is RUDE to think I would abandon my cat. So to Natalie Barber - daughter Liz Barber - FUCK YOU!

People who I don't even know and have never met (and are probobly fake as their profile was empty) thinks I'm going to abandon Maggie?? That is the biggest joke yet. But most of all - INSULTING!!!!

Natalie Barber ~ I don't know you but I am ignorant enough to think I can say stupid things sto strangers so here goes,...  I'm seriously worried about your kids. Please don't abondon them in their final hours when they will be terrified and looking for you as their Mom. YOU owe it to your children to be there with them. Please don't walk away Natalie. be strong for your children,....

How does it feel to have a stranger think your a bad mother and some rude random person scolds you,... get a life Natalie Barber and stop harrassing strangers on the internet you dont' even know.

To think I would abandon Maggie is INSULTING!!!!! You don't even know me,..... so FUCK YOU

I'm EXHAUSTED! but,... happy.

I have been so busy today. I am now exhausted. The weather today was gorgeous so I wanted to take advantage of it. I loaded up my walker and went downtown to get some errands done. I went to Service Ontario,... to the Post Office,... I offically changed my address. My mail will now be re-directed to BC. I got some pre-paid boxes from the Post Office which each hold 11 pounds of stuff. Now I can mail stuff to BC. It was even cheaper than I had anticipated so I may get 2 more,... I just have to fill them up - they will weigh them and they get mailed out. Easy peasy.

I booked my taxi to the airport the day I fly out. So that is booked and payed for. 

But I am now in a lot of pain ~ which I expected ~ so I am sat here watching the news. I took some Advil and smoked a bowl of weed and now I hope to relax.

It has been a good day. :)

It has been a roller coaster ride

The past few days have been chaos leaving me in a state of panic. My lawyer informed me that I should not be moving to BC right now. But after a few days of thinking about this ~ I dont' care about the case anymore ~ I am getting on that plane and I am moving to BC. Case or not. It's not right or fair that they can do this but at this point I am in survival mode and I just need OUT OF THIS TOXIC BUILDING. So plans to move are still on.

I was running into so many unexpected issues that I started to feel a bit panicky. My luggage I discovered wouldn't do. Too large and heavy. Now I needed new luggage. I had saved so much money and now I am watching it deplete like water through my fingers. $500 for putting Maggie down,.. $200 for new luggage,... I'm not sure how much for mailing stuff I can't bring in suitcases,... The cost of the taxi to the airport $200,... I have it all covered and paid, But it ate through my money very quickly. I now have precious little left and I am trying to hold on to it dearly. PLEASE don't let there be anymore unexpected expenses!!!!!! I don't have anymore to spend!

I broke down and asked for help yesterday. I have a difficult time asking for help. I don't know why, I just do. But I found myself in the middle of my living room completely overwhelmed. So I called Kirk. And even after me cutting him off because of something he did,... he dropped everything and came to help. He drove me into Guelph to buy luggage,...I got a new mouse for my laptop,... I got everything I had on my list of things I needed to do but couldn't without a car. He drove me everywhere and I got it ALL done. Thank you Kirk,... I can't tell you how helpful that was. It was sohelpful that last night I went to bed at 11 and I slept until 9 the next morning. I finally got some sleep. And I'm sure it's becasue all my problems I was worried about got solved. Now I was able to sleep. And I feel 100% better for it.

Ok,... I don't get a settlement. I am now living on $851 a  month. So i called up Dianne (reluctantly as I was kind of breaking our deal) and told her everything. I was worried she would be upset but on the contrary - she had solutions. Book-keeping. If I can manage some office work,... she can find me a ton of work. Problem solved. I love admin work. And I can mange that. As long as I am allowed to work at my own pace - I can do that. So another problem solved. I don't know why I was connected to Dianne? Fate I imagine,... But it was the answer to all my prayers. Thank you Dianne ~ you have literally saved my life.

So things are back on track. I still have a million little things to sort out,... but now I have Kirk helping it has really lightened the stress load. I don't deserve Kirk,... but he never leaves my side when I call. He is a good man.

I have so much else to say but my hands are in pain and I can't type very well right now. So I will have to stop here.

 When it rains it pours 

my laptop just crashed

died

i think its s sign

I am so overwhelmed

i just need to die

die

die

 I hate my life

I can’t go on

It’s too much

I’m overwhelmed

I’m in pain

I can’t do this 

I WILL go to Vancouver anyway,....

I will lose out on my settlement - no case

But my plan has now changed.

I get off that airplane and I go right down to the lower east side and get a fatal hit of fentanyl and it will finally all be over

I am suppose to be in my retirement 

Instead I am in survival mode

I am too old,... too exhausted,... and too poor to go on

I am completely alone and expected to get rid of my whole apt myself 

No help - the mentally ill monster doesn't desereve it

It's time for fentayl

I already have the plane booked 

I now just wait

It's the middle of the night again and I can't sleep. My life just fell apart yesterday. No settlement if I go to BC but the plane is already booked.

I don't even care about the case anymore. What good is money. It won't be enough to sustain me. 

In two weeks I am homeless here in Ontario

I don't even want to go to BC anymore,....

I just want to die

My life is a fucking mess and I cna't sort it out

I just want to die now

Back to original plan - fentanyl

I have had a long hot lavendar bath ~ I feel so defeated I didn't know what else to do to calm down. But after half an hour,... I am not calm - I am despondant.

The bottom line is ~ If I leave Ontario the other side won't want to settle and worse yet - don't have to. I don't get it,... it' doesn't seem fair,... but there you have it.

Well I can't stay here so I have to go to BC.

I am back to my old plan. The lower East side with a massive fentanyl overdose. Without my insurance benefit (which ends in January 2026) and NO settlement money

I am back to poverty

But WORSE off than even before.

Now I have $851.51 for a whole month. 

I can think of nothing else but dying

I am exhausted!!!!! I am alone!!!!!!~ And I just can't cope anymore.

Especially on $851.51

I am FUCKED

More bad news

More bad news,... I can't go into specifics because of the case,.... but I really shouldn't be moving. 

At this point I don't even care about the case. I am in PAIN and I have decided that I have to do what I have to do to get myself sorted. I have been waiting for help from others but they are too slow.

I will move to BC and pay for treatment myself out of my own pocket. At least I can GET a doctor.

I never win in this life,... I don't know why,... 

No money = no future

I will now be living in a trailer I pay $750 for and I will only be bringing in CPP which is $851.51 a month

Im fucked

Why does nothing ever work out for me?

After all housing DIDN'T do to help me - they want money?

 I wish I had never told housing I was leaving. They have sent email after email 'reminding me' of all I have to do. She also 'reminded me' that I still owe next months rent even though I will be long gone. The reason I am leaving housing is I can't afford it anymore. And they still want my money.

FUCK 'EM

I'm sorry but I lived a life of misery and hell in this building and when I needed Housings help - they were not available. If they had treated me well,... I would do what I am suppose to do. But after being treated like,.... a number,....fuck 'em.

I won't be doing ANYTHING they are making me do. Like drive to Guelph to give the keys, etc,... I dont have a car,...  they are so dmeanding now that I am leaving. But wouldn't lifty a finger to help the last 8 years of being bullied by TONYA HALLS.

So they wont be getting another red cent off of me. Or anything for that matter,... most people leave this building with the police or the ambulance or the norgue and never come back leaving theri places a disgusting mess. but from me - they want me to follow THEIR rules and regulations. 

Too late housing,... if you had helped me - I would have. But you threw me away and left me to fend off that woman by myself. You wouldnt' even b3eliev there was a problem

So I'm keeping my money.

Your not getting my forwarding address so fuck you. No morals,.. they treat you like shit and then expect you to comply with all their rules. The 'help' you offered me - came 4 weeks too late. They finally phoned last week - way too late. Ontario Housing is the shittiest organization I have ever had the misfortune to be a prisoner in.

Nope,... I seel and give away what I can and leave the rest,.... I am doing this completely on my own. NOT ONE PERSON has offered to help and I am exhausted. In pain and this is way too much for me right now.

I was in the bathromm throwing up most of the night. I think it was anxiety. I feel much better this morning but I do need help,... won't get any,... but I need it. I need someone with a car for a whole afternoon,.....

Life sucks when you are alone

I'm so tired right now and in pain all I want to do is sleep.

but I just discovered my suitcases are the wrong size and wont' be allowed on the plane. I have to now go out to walmart and HOPE they have some that are the right size. ANOTHER expense I wasn't expecting. I'm starting to panic a little over money as I am running out quickly. 

And housing wants my rent when I'm not even living there?????

I NEED THAT MONEY FAR MORE THAN THEY EVER WILL SO I AM TAKING IT ~ fuck 'em

I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree

 

I have been thinking a lot about myMother lately. My biological Mother ~ Diane Holyoak. I have never met my Mother. I lived with her for 16 months when I was born before being removed and placed in care. I did receive many letters and photos from her over the years though. And today,... I had to break down and finally go through 'the box'. I had been putting it off as I knew it wasn't going to be easy. But this morning I felt like I could face it. All the stuff from my Mother - Diane.

She left Ontario way back in the sixties. When I asked my family why she left I got a very vague shifty answer of "... I don'tknw, something about a fur coat robbery gone wrong,..." and that is all I ever got. Whatever the reason, my Mother fled Ontario to British Columbia. But my mother didn't live a normal existence. She lived way up in the boonies of the mountains of BC. Last place I heard she was before she passed on was 22 Mile Lake or something? I have long since lost her address but it is way up north. She lived in a trailer with her animals. And that was her lifestyle.

So it's almost humurous to me that I have ended up exactly where she was. Living in a trailer in British Columbia. The apple does not fall far from the tree,... I have always hated the city,... I have always wanted to live in nature,... I have always loved dogs and cats like she so obviously did as in every single picture she is with an pet.

I have come full circle. I am now my Mother. And it suits me just fine,... It is the enviroment I have been craving for years. I am so happy,....

 

The letter I left housing with my leaving notice

 *******************

Yes, I will do that.

But first I need to get this off my chest. I need you to know that the sole reason I am leaving is TONYA HALLS in 307. From the day I moved in she has harassed and lied about me to others in the building. She constantly called the police on me - numerous times probably over a dozen.

I want you to know,.... That I was in the process of going through MAiDs(Medical assistance in dying) I had started the proceedings in Vancouver (as it's easier to be accepted there) I felt so trapped and victimized in this building that I wanted to die. And every time I asked for help - the Sarah's sided with Tonya and turned around and blamed ME. So It's obvious I can't win. Tonya Halls is Queen of this building and if she don't like you - beware!!!!!! But thankfully, at the last moment, my cousin reached out to save me with a home in BC. THANK GOD because if she hadn't I WOULD HAVE KILLED MYSELF TO ESCAPE TONYA HALLS. THAT is how miserable she has made my life. I was ready to DIE to escape her. 

She has been so intrusive I had to hide in my unit from last September onwards as she just wouldn't leave me alone. She shouted rude comments to me constantly. Her and her son Nick. They made my life here miserable.

Just as an example and the last straw, MacKenzy from my floor (a single mother) came in to my unit as I was selling everything off. She told me Tonya told her "Don't ever let Jacquie look after your son as her apartment is disgusting and dirty. Your son will probably catch something. I don't even KNOW Mackenzy. And over the past week other MANY people have been telling me that she has made it her MISSION to get me evicted and make my life hell, And she has for 8 years!!!!!!!

Her constant harassing I can't take anymore and no one believed me. In fact both the Sarahs always sided with Tonya and her fluttering little eyelashes saying she does nothing. BULLSHIT. I was witch-hunted and nobody helped

But women like this don't stop ~  they just choose another victim. So if you start getting multiple complaints from Nick and Tonya in 307? She is lying and just harassing someone new. She ran me right out of this building. i could never be happy here as TONYA HALLS wouldn't let me. 

You lost a good, clean tenant in me because of Tonya Halls. 

I'm gone now and don't' care what happens but I do worry that someone else is to become her next victim and they too will have to leave because she just won't leave them alone!!!!!!!

PLEASE believe me when I say this woman is a LYER and a harasser. SHE is the one who needs evicting,..... but she never will because she is always right!

This woman RUINED MY LIFE

Jacquie Holyoak

165 Gordon Street apt 311