Mentally Ill Monster

 

Life on ODSP

I got paid today.  $1308.00 total. It's been 2 hours since I saw the money had been deposited into my account and most of it is already gone. I paid my bills,... I placed a grocery order,... and now I have just under $100 left. I still have to walk over to Freshco and buy my perishables (fruit and veg and milk etc,...) as I don't trust delivery to do those items as I'm afraid they will 'sit' somewhere and unthaw while waiting to be delivered. So in my grocery order I only get non-perishables. Now I have just under $100 to get a months worth of what I still need.

It is December. And THIS is why I have cancelled Christmas. I don't have ONE PENNY to contribute to a holiday or celebration in any way shape or form. By the time I go to Freshco (hopefully this afternoon) the $100 I have left in my account will be gone. The first few days of the month and my money is already gone for December. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LEFT OVER FOR A CHRISTMAS. Thank you Doug Ford and the Ontario Provincial Government for that,....

So I had already made the decision to not celebrate. And once that decision was made it was a tiny bit easier. The pressure to BUY is gone. I don't have money for all my basic needs ~ I can hardly afford to buy gifts for people. So NO ~ CHIRSTMAS IS WELL AND TRULY CANCELLED THIS YEAR AND EVERY YEAR TO FOLLOW,....

And with the groceries I did get,... I have to ration those and make it last for the whole month. It will,... but barely. And it's not good wholesome fun food. I literally live off of milk and cereal,... hamburgers on a bun,... and either a piece of meat OR veggies stirfried (but rarely do I get them together in one meal as a meat pototaoe veg plate). I water down my drinks to make them last for the whole month. When I first went on ODSP about 4 years ago I was 170 pounds. I am now 125. It's a humiliating way to live.

But this is my life. Paid $1308,.... and two hours later it is pretty much gone and now I have nothing for the remainder of December. NOT A DIME! And this is how the people living in poverty survive. 

I was lucky enough to get an invite from Becky to go to hers for Christmas morning breakfast. I grabbed at the chance. Atleast I won't be sitting at home alone. Sad. There are usually football games in and around Christmas Eve/day and boxing day although I haven't looked ahead to the schedule yet. But I know there will be a few games to watch over the holidays. That will be a distraction for me at least. I have no plans to spend any time with my girls as just like last year they don't even think of me. They right away assume they will spend it with their Dad. Whatever,... If you don't hope ~ you can't get disappointed,.... so I never ever hope,.. Nope,... it will just be me and Maggie for the whole holiday season. 

Merry Fucking Christmas Happy Shiny People,... and Doug Ford ~ think of us on ODSP and OW when your spending the day with ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING YOU WANT AND NEED and don't give a thought to us who are so broke we can't even afford to celebrate at all,.... HAVE A NICE FUCKING DAY DOUG FORD!!!! But you always do put yourself first so no change there then,.... to hell with us who go without. Do I sound angry?? Yeah,... I'm pretty fucking resentful at our government.

Not even December 1st yet and i am already broke for the month. 

Welcome to living in the world of poverty on ODSP. 

I didn't want to wake up. But I did. I am so depressed and so despondant that all I can think about is dying. I want so badly to have the courage it takes to end my life. But so far,... I can't find a way to do it. I want to do it with an overdose but I can't find fentanyl,... so now I am forced to look at more painful ways to do this. 

I am so angry at life. Over the past 5 years I have gone from a descent human being into an empty vessel that is numb and angry. If you have ever seen the tv program "Doc Martin" there is a character on there who has no social skills and just says what he wants to people. He doesn't care if it offends them or hurts them. He sounds like an awful man but in the show he is actually likable. Anyway,... this is who I am now. I am so depressed and angry and resentful at my situation that I have turned into a person I no longer recognize. I do not go out into the "outside world" anymore because I am so miserable. I no longer care what happens to me. I no longer care if I die,... I no longer care if my family finally come back to me,... it's too late,... I am too empty and jaded and angry now to even WANT these things anymore. I am at the end.

This is a great social experiment. Take away everything a person has and tell them they are now only worth $1308.00 a month. Tell them if they want basic needs they are forced to go cap in hand and use charity. The dignity disappears,... the will to live disappears,... you just have to watch the news and see all the people in this country on disability are choosing DEATH over life because living in poverty is no life. 

Today I had a glass of orange juice. not a normal glass,... but I fill my cup with one inch of orange juiice and the rest water. The same for ice tea too,... when i have dinner I dont' have meat, potatoe and a veg anymore. I have a piece of meat alone and that is all OR I have veggies with NO MEAT to go with it. I only eat twice a day so I can ration my mnthly supply of food. If I eat too much in the beginning I will run out and be hungry at the end of the month. So I have to "budget" my food intake. I NEVER get to go out for breakfast, lunch or dinner or even just a cup of coffee. I never get to go to a movie or a bar. I can't even go to a park becasue i need a vehicle to get there and then they cost money to enter!!!! Every damn thing in this world costs money. And I don't have any so I just don't get,...

It makes me feel like the most unworthy person in the world. YOUR NOT WORTH ANYTHING TO THIS SOCIETY. So I am doing what Doug Ford wants us all to do,... I want to die and end this suffering. I want it,... Doug Ford wants us all to disappear,... so why wont' they allow me to end my life??? 

I am a soul.  I am a person. I have a heart. But to this world I am just a mentally ill disabled person who has no worth anymore,...

How does this Province get away with starving their disabled and treating them as burdens to society? They get away with it becasue the world is run by rich Happy Shiny People who as long as they get what they want ~ to hell with the people "down here" in need. 

I'm tired of being invisable,... I'm tired of being told no there is no support for you,... I'm tired of falling through the cracks where otheres get what I need but for some reason I don't qualify,... I'm tired of having to "prove" to the Happy Shiny people that I am in need. In my world if you want anything you have to jump through hoops to get it. Make phone calls,... prove your need,... have someone "decide" if your depraved enough to need it and then in the end you usually don't get it anyway. So i have given up asking. I no longer ask ODSP,... OW,... or Ontario Housing for anything. It's just not worth the hoopla to get it and the indignity it causes having to "ask" for basic needs.

So I don't know what to do from here. I am MISERABLE. I just want to die. But surprisingly my body just doesn't want to stop breathing,... 

I am in severe turmoil,.... I can no longer rest,.....

 I wrote this in my blog last year,.... Thought I would put it in today for their birthday

Sometimes in life, such tragedies happen that after they occur you divide your life into two. Before it happened,... and after it happened,.... Because life as you knew it ceased to continue. After a tragedy, you change. Your whole foundation tilts and you now look at life through different eyes.

The following is taken from a journal I wrote way back in 1989.

*************************************************************************

Life certainly can throw you a curve ball when you least expect it. I never dreamed that in my life I would be sitting down writing this. For what has happened has thrown me into a world of grief, sorrow and loss that I had never felt before and to this day, have never felt again.

At 5:40pm on Wednesday November 29th 1989 my life changed forever.

I woke up that winter morning not feeling well. Nothing serious. I just wasn't feeling myself. I had promised J***'s Mum that I would drive her to a store that day to do some Christmas shopping. If I hadn't made that promise I'm sure I would have just stayed home in bed. But I didn't. Whether it would have made any difference or not, I'll never know. I just know that I can't change anything, and as I write this, I still can't forgive myself. I was having cramps by the afternoon. Being 29 weeks pregnant with twins it certainly concerned me but I continued on with my day regardless.

I finally arrived back home later in the afternoon. The cramps were getting worse now and I was starting to feel quite concerned. I picked up J*** at work and returned home. I changed into my pajamas knowing I would be spending the evening in bed. But the cramps had grown even stronger and I couldn't get comfortable to sleep. I got up to go to the washroom. J*** was in the spare room getting ready to go out Christmas shopping. He mentioned he would call his 8 year old neice A***** to see if she wanted to go with him. I heard them chatting away on the phone.

And that was when it happened. There was a tremendous 'pop', which is the only word I know of to describe it, followed by a gush of warmth that lasted way too long to be pee. Describing my feelings here is tough as everything happened so fast. What I do remember is sitting there for 3 or 4 seconds stunned. I didn't quite know what was happening. And then it hit me. My water had broken. I got up quickly and flushed the toilet without even looking into it. I did that on purpose although I don't know why. Maybe I was afraid of what I would see. I started to panic.

J*** had just finished talking to A***** and was getting ready to leave the house. I called out to him, but it sort of came out in a whisper. He didn't answer. The second time I called out it was louder and you could definitely hear the panic in my voice. He met me in the hall. I can't remember what I told him but the look on his face told me he understood, and now we were both stunned. Neither one of us knowing what to do.

I hurried into the spare room and crawled onto the bed starting to sob. I didn't know what this all meant,... but I knew it was bad. J*** was asking me what he needed to do. I was panicking,... he was panicking,... We decided to call my doctor instead of an ambulance. He left an emergency message with her and then we both just waited for her to call us back. I was sobbing and we were both terrified.

Although I'm sure it was just a few minutes, it seemed like hours before the phone rang. J*** talked to her for a few minutes, his voice shaking, but I have no recollection of what he said. He handed the phone to me. I was surprisingly calm as I explained what had happened. Her instructions were to get to the hospital and she would meet us there. I hung up the phone and that's when I realized just how serious the situation was.

As soon as I stood up to go, blood started pouring out of me, and I panicked once again. I shoved a towel between my legs, and still in my nightgown I threw my coat over top. Put my boots on and went out into the cold night. I sat in the car and shook. Of course the ride to the hospital seemed to take forever. It was rush hour as people clogged the roads trying to get home. I cried as we hit every red light. We made it there in about 15 minutes. I walked into the emergency doors and sort of collapsed on a wheelchair that happened to be sitting there. Admission seemed to take forever.

I was taken upstairs to labour and delivery. A lot of the next hour is just a blur. I was brought into a big room. I was told to undress and to lie down on the bed. Nurses starting putting in an IV. They hooked me up to fetal monitor. There were so many people in the room and things were happening really fast. My doctor arrived then and I could see she had this sympathetic look on her face ~ like she already knew what the outcome was going to be. I did not. At this point, things were happening quickly and I really didn't know what exactly was going on.

A specialist was called. It took a short while to locate him. In the meantime, the nurses and Dr. B***** were checking on the babies. They could only hear one heartbeat. An internal exam discovered the cord wrapped around one of the babies necks. As she was checking me, she let me know I was definitely in labour and had already dilated two centimeters. There was no turning back. This was it.

They started doing more things to me then. Blood was taken,... a catheter inserted,....And then the specialist finally arrived. He must have been told it was an emergency as he literally burst through the door. Newly gloved with his scrubbing gown flowing open behind him as the nurse tried to catch up and tie the ties for him. He had already done an internal exam before he finished telling me his name. Dr. J*****.

He explained the situation to me. He was going to have to perform an emergency Cesarean section. Because they were only finding one heartbeat, and that the cord was wrapped around the babies neck, he felt he needed to get in there and deliver these two boys immediately. As it was, he thought that one of them had died already. Everyone disappeared then. I guess to get ready for the surgery.

I remember lying there. Shivering uncontrollably. And so scared. It had taken us 3 years of fertility treatment just to get pregnant with these babies. I was so terrified we would lose them. They were throwing pieces of paper in front of J*** to sign and I could tell that he didn't care what it was he was signing. He just wanted them to get on with it. As they wheeled me away to the operating room, I can't remember seeing J***. But I must have done as he was there in the room with us. I hope I told him I loved him.

Once in the operating room, there seemed to be lots going on. I was lifted onto the operating table. My arms were put onto boards which stuck directly out beside me. They were strapped down. A mask was placed over my nose and mouth. Everything around me started swimming into a dreamlike fog. Then there was nothing.

I heard a voice, weak and barely audible. My throat was so dry. "Are they alright?" "What are they?" Was I dreaming? What was going on?My eyelids were so heavy I had to fight to open them. It was then that I realized the tiny voice was mine. I was waking up. Someone answered they were boys and they were alive. That's all I needed to know before I fell back to sleep.

Next I remember being back in the first room. J*** was there beside me. I don't recall much of the waiting, except that at one point, Mom and Dad were there too. We actually waited in there for over four hours, but to me it didn't seem long at all. I mostly slept. J*** convinced my parents that nothing more could be done and they reluctantly agreed to go home. Now it was just the two of us.

We were waiting to see our babies. Apparently when they were born it was quite critical. A team of four neo-natoligists were working on each boy to try and stabalize their conditions enough to move them. Their little lungs weren't fully developed, making it impossible for them to breathe on their own. And they were very, very, small. One was 490 grams and the other 560 grams. Approximately a pound each.

So we waited, discussing names. Two were chosen. "Shawn Robert" and "Ian Gordon" Now it was complete. They were two little people. They were our sons. We were now a family.

I still couldn't believe that all of this had happened. It was all just so over-whelming. Doctors would come in every so often and give us updates on their progress. Once they were stabilized they were going to airlift them by helicopter to "Toronto Sick Kids Hospital" where they were much better equipped at dealing with their needs. But, before they left, they were going to bring them into us for us to finally see them.

At this point, I had not yet seen my baby boys. All I knew was that they were alive. I also did not realize how critical they were. Not really. The doctor used the word 'critical' every time they spoke of them. But to me, that was just a word. A medical term that hospital staff used. It didn't have anything to do with Shawn and Ian. Not in my mind anyway. To me, this was just a crisis. Something that would scare and worry us for awhile, but would soon pass and things would all be okay eventually. I knew that somewhere down the road J*** and I would be bringing our baby sons home. All I had to do was be patient. I honestly felt that from the bottom of my heart. These were my babies. No one, not even god, was cruel enough to take my babies away from me.

When they finally brought them in for us to see, many emotions filled me. They were both in the same incubator. Both were covered up completely in this shiny paper, like thin aluminum foil to keep as much heat in as they could. I remember thinking to myself before they uncovered them. "How can they breath? Take that paper off of them so they can breath!" But the nurse reminded me that they had been intubated and machines were doing the breathing for them.

When they did uncover them my heart nearly broke. There they were. Our sons! Shawn and Ian. My poor sweet little babies. They looked nothing like I expected them too. They were so tiny. Their skin wasn't fully formed yet so it was still transparent. They both had cleft palettes and their eyes still hadn't completely formed so they were still shut. They were so still and looked so vulnerable. One of the boys was on his back and the other one was on his side.I couldn't believe they were real. Now the dream of bringing them home looked less likely.

As I sat there looking at them a tremendous amount of love welled up inside of me. It was instant. And deep. It overwhelmed me with emotion. Tears fell. It pained me so much to look at them. With tubes and machines hooked up to them everywhere, I wanted to reach down and pull them all out. This was no way for a baby to come into the world. One minute their both safe and warm inside my womb and the next they are in the world. Machines all hooked up to them. It wasn't right. It looked like they were in pain. My heart ached. It literally felt like pain. This was just not what I wanted for them.

Someone told us to go ahead and touch them. At first I was too afraid. They were so fragile that I thought they might break. But I did. And that changed everything. I reached down and touched one of them. I held his tiny little hand. It wasn't any bigger than my thumb nail. But it changed something deep within the core of my being. A Mother's love. This was my son and I was touching him for the very first time. Then one of them moved. A leg I think. And the reality of the situation hit me then. I never wanted to let go of that dear little hand. In fact, I wanted to scoop him up and hold him really close to my heart. I wanted to feel him next to me. Skin to skin. To feel him breathe. I just knew that if I could hold him close enough, he would know that his Mommy loved him and everything would be alright. I ached inside for him to know that. But I couldn't pick him up. Too may tubes and machines. And they didn't want them out of the incubator even for a minute or they would lose too much heat. So I had to resolve myself to just holding their tiny little hands. And, to this day, I deeply regret it. I will never forgive myself for not picking them up and showing them they had a mommy who desperately loved them and wanted them to get better.

This all happened so quickly. In a matter of minutes. And before we knew it, they were whisked away to the waiting helicopter on the roof. Sadly, I never saw my sons alive again. That incubator held a piece of me in it. And now it was being taken away.  And I will forever have an emptiness deep in my heart that can never be filled.

When they were gone, I lay my head back down on the pillow. That was when I noticed . No more movement. No more kicking. In fact, when I placed my hand lightly upon my belly, it was gone.

Before today, I would feel my swollen belly and smile.It wasn't a dream. God had blessed me with not one, but two little babies. And every morning when I felt my belly ~ I would thank God. Now there was nothing but the sore raw scar. All I could do was shed tears of pain and wonder why?

I was taken up to my room after that. So far, there was no one else in it. Good. I needed to be alone. J*** left to go home then. He was tired. I had to remember that he had been through this too. He was hurting just as much as I was. He too needed some time to process all of this.

When I was alone, I started bargaining with God. If he would keep my babies alive, I would do whatever he wanted. I prayed that night. And fell asleep with tears of hope sliding softly onto my pillow.

The next morning was confusing. All the nurses were asking me about Ian and Shawn , but I didn't know anything. None of the doctors were around to tell me anything. J*** would know ~ but where was he? It was unusual for J*** not to be there. It was agony. Waiting and not knowing. I couldn't reach the phone as I couldn't sit up yet from the surgery. Where was he? I needed to know how my babies were. I felt very alone.

Finally, later in the morning J*** walked through the door. And right away I knew something was wrong. I could feel it. Now I know why he was avoiding me. He was trying to spare my feelings by prolonging the news. It couldn't have been easy for him. So when he told me, I wasn't surprised. Ian hadn't made it. He died around two o'clock in the morning. As much as this hurt me I did not give up hope. Shawn was still alive. I just knew he would pull through. He had too!

My room mate had arrived by then. That was very hard on me. There she was with this beautiful healthy baby. Everyone coming in to congratulate her. And here I was, sore and weepy and filled with fear for Shawn. My breasts were filling up with milk yet I had no baby to feed. Every noise of my room mate's baby feeding left the front of my nightgown wet. My breasts were gorged and telling me to empty my milk. It wasn't fair. J*** arranged for me to have a private room that evening.

The next morning I was feeling a little bit better. I had a sponge bath and that seemed to help. I had also not only sat up but had taken a few short steps to the chair. It was extremely painful. Because it was such an emergency to get the babies out as quick as they could, I had had to perform what is known as a 'classic Cesarean'. Which is quite rare. I had an 8 inch cut form the top of my belly right down to the hairline. And it was quite painful. But again, I was bargaining with God. If I took good care of myself, and pushed myself to get better quickly, then God would take care of Shawn. I had even had mine and J***'s Mum in to see me. I was feeling quite optimistic.

So when J*** came in, and broke the news, It hit me like a lead ball. At first there was silence. And then a painful, gut-wrenching scream. No! No! This couldn't be happening. Why? What had I ever done that was so terrible that God had taken away my two little babies before I could even hold them? I just didn't understand. J*** and I clung to each other. So close. I held him desperately. We both sobbed. "I want my babies back!' I was almost hysterical now. "I want my babies!!" I lost control and slid to the floor. The pain was nothing I had ever experienced before. My world had just imploded around me. Six months of carrying them inside of me. Feeling them move. Holding my belly and waiting for their kicks. Talking to them. Singing to them. Already loving them so deeply it hurt. And now ~ they were gone. I couldn't cope with this. I just wanted to die.

You always hear the expression 'it broke my heart'. But you never fully know what that truly feels like until you lose a child. It's a pain. Deep in your chest. It's relentless and unbearable. And you know that nothing will ever be the same again.

I cried every night almost all night long. I wanted to see them. To hold them. I wanted my babies back. It was a physical pain. I needed them. I couldn't live without them. I was a mess. My recovery got much slower after that. It hurt so much just to sit up. Taking 5 to 10 minutes. Now it took longer. I would give up sobbing. I didn't see much of a need to get better now.

But, during the day, I hid my tears. Smiled for my visitors. I'm strong. I'll get through this. I had everyone convinced. But the moment that room grew dark and everyone had gone. I would think of my little Shawn and Ian. Where were they now? What would happen to them? I wanted to see them ~ just one last time. And I would cry because I never got to hold them.

We had a funeral for them a couple of days later. I don't actually recall much of it really. I just remember looking at those two tiny white coffins. So sad. So tragic.

I would never be the same person I was before all this happened. Death. Especially of a child is so all-consuming you don't think your ever going to survive it. But the grief slowly subsides and life does go on. We went on to have two more children. Two beautiful healthy daughters. But there will always be a hole that can never be filled for the loss of my two boys. Shawn and Ian.

One more day,...

It is the 28th today. One more day until I end my life. I haven't decided exactly how yet but I will. I have options. They are not pain-free and they will be extremely terrifying to carry out but I will just keep in my mind that once done - after a few seconds of trauma - I will die. i will finally be free.

Hayley texted and said she was coming over. But only because i left her a message telling her not to bother bringing the key and cat carrier back now as I don't need them anymore. I guess that made her feel guilty and she texted to say she was coming over. But I was in a horrible state. I was angry and hurt and in pain and I was in no shape to be dealing with what I needed to tell her. having received my "don't bother coming" text she replied she'll come over anyway for a visit. Now normally this is what I would live for,... her saying something like she just WANTS to come over for no reason but to see me. That never happens. But today,... I can't explain it except I wasn't up to seeing ANYONE. I was NOT WELL yesterday. So I actually texted and this is a quaote,... "I'm not having a good day at all. I'm really depressed and angry so I think i whould just stay alone gtoday. I'm not able to cope with anything today. sorry." she texted back "Ok, it's ok. I may be able to come by on the weekend then if your feeling better.  I know she was relieved to hear she didn't have to come now,... The obligation was over and she was free to stay home. 

I can't explain why I felt this way. but as I was here waiting for her to come over I was spirralling. I need to have a serious talk with her but I knew I wasn't in the right frame of mind to do that. i was emotional,... angry,.... just very upset at my living situation and fed up. Part of me didn't want her to see me this way and another part knew if she did come over it would end in me losing control of my emotions and saying things in the wrong way and we would end up parting ways. And it would have been my fault. becasue right now I have no control over my emotions. I am so angry at my situation that I have deteriorated into a vessel of anger and hurt. I'm sorry I didn't get to see hayley one last time but It would have ended badly and then when i did end my life she would feel more guilty. i didn't want her to feel bad so I just told her to stay home. but i really, really could of used a last hug from her,.... 

Now I am planning,... and hopefully by Thursday i will be gone,... and I will finally be free.

Is this what I truly want? No. What I want is:

to live humanly - but Doug Ford won't allow that,..

to have a family that is IN my life so I see them all on a regular basis where they are in and out of my life,...

But I will never have either of these things. 

Becasue I am a mentally ill monster that no one likes and no one wants and no one will even care of notice when I'm gone,...

I hate this world and what it did to me just becasue I was different.

But in this word only the Happy Shiny People live good happy descent lives,.... I guess being mentally ill and physically diabled with fibromyalgia I just didn't rate into that category and therefore my life was very very different from my loved ones. They had no clue how difficult a struggle life for me is. 

But hey,... as long as Jeff got to steal my girls and keep them,... I guess Ideserved it,...

My family all through me away,... I guess I deserved it,....

I guess I'm just a mentally ill monster that needs to go,....

I just don't deserve to be here hanymore. 

I'm a mentally ill monster,......

 I sit here writing with a heavy heart. I just can't go on,....

I am looking around my apartment. The walls are bare. I have sheets hanging for drapes over my balcony door window right now. I have two command hooks holding a bent rod. On that rod is a dark bed sheet. Holes cut in the top of the sheet to thread the rod through,... and then hung up to look exactly like what it is - sad. In my bedroom I have no drapes as I don't have a ladder tall enough to put up proper hardware or money to actually by the curtains and hardware. So I have put up a bed mattress topper against the window and pulled the see-through blind down to hold it in place. It's the size of a double mattress so it's large and covers the window to keep out the light. It doesn't do the job well but it's better than no coverage on the window at all. I have also put up command hooks and one panel of a darkening curtain panel. I could only afford the one though so it only covers up about 3 feet of my 9 foot window. So you can imagine just how derelect this place looks now. It's so bad that I won't invite anyone here. It's so humiliating to live in such poverty. But on top of the poverty is the fact that I need help but don't have it. I need someone to lend me a ladder. I need money to buy hardware and curtains to cover both my windows properly so I don't have this mish-mash of sheets and things I could find in the dollar strore,... being poor and living alone really teaches you how to become McGuiver. For 20 years now I have lived alone and had no help. If something needed doing I had to figure out a way to do it myself or it wouldn't get done at all. And now is no different. I need a handyman and a tall ladder for about half a day to get this place back into some kind of shape where I'm not embarrassed to call this place my home. I have been needing to do this for nearly a year now. I have asked my daughter but she is (as we all know,...) TOO BUSY so she never shows up. Kirk was going to help me but he too would say yes but then never actually have the time to come over and do it,... In my life I get lots of helpful offers but it's the follow through where no one shows up because they just forget or can't find the time or they never intended to help at all and were just placating me by being nice,... whatever the answer is it means my apartment looks Grey Gardens and I hate it. I am so embarrassed and humiliated that I have ended up here that I won't even make friends right now as I'm too embarrassed for anyone to see what a failure I have become. 

It's not even 9 in the morning yet and already I have nothing to do and I can feel the anxiety building up in the pit of my stomach. Its a hard ball of anxiety that just sits there,... it's an uncomfortable feeling. Like I'm just about to have a panic attack. You can't feel relaxed,... infact I feel quite unsettled most of the time. It's not a nice feeling at all.

And I still can't manage to get out and get that key cut for my mailbox. I don't think I am going to be able to get out to do it for awhile. My pain level has been high and the temperature outside cold. Anytime I go out and the cold gets inside me it translates to PAIN. And the pain doens't go away once you come inside to get warm. It stays with you all day. So as you can imagine I avoid going outside at all in the cold weather. My mobility is very limited right now. I know people might find this hard to believe but between now and the spring I usually only manage to get out to get supplies and errands done about once every two months. That is about two or three times all winter!!!! It is a problem. It's been my MAIN problem since I had to give up my car. So I don't know what to tell housing. I may have to give them back their mail key and just do without my mail until the spring. WHEN ARE PEOPLE GOING TO FINALLY SEE THAT I AM DISABLED - NOT MOBILE - AND TRAPPED INSIDE MY APARTMENT FOR THE WINTER? I can't get out!!!!!! So I will hold on to this key until they ask for it back (which she has laready done once) and then tell her to just forget it and give it back. I just can't get out to get this damn key cut,... so again in my life,.. I am forced to do without. I fucking hate having no choices. 

I have two days until the 29th. Shawn and Ians birthday. It's not the day they died,... just the day they were born. I am so despondent and depressed and desperate that my only wish is to end my life on the their birthday. Go to be with them again,... to finally find happiness and peace and NO PAIN. To not have to rely on others who only leave you disappointed in the end,... I will finally,... finally be free of this prison the Happy Shiny People call life,...

Maybe THEIR Life is good,... but not mine. My life is a fucking struggle from the minute I get up until I go to bed. And I just can't  do it anymore,... I either need some SERIOUS REAL help and support or I am just going to end it all,... I don't have anything left to fight with anymore.

It's game day. Last weekend was the international break so there weren't any games. But today all the leagues are back. I was up bright and early to be ready for the first (Manchester City v Liverpool) game at 7:15am. I was up already anyway. Sleep is just something I don't get a lot of these days and although I had went to bed and tried ~ sleep was not plentiful and I gave up around 5 and just got up to start the day. So here I am on a Saturday morning with coffee in hand watching my games,... It's the only time that everything is right in the world with me. I can't tell you how grateful I am that I have this passion for football. 

I have to try and get out today. Housing lent me a mailbox key to use until I can get a new one cut. I was hoping that I would be able to do that this afternoon. So far the weather is not too bad. Cold as it is the end of November - but dry - so I can get my walker around. Once I get that done I have a full set of keys and fob now. What a nuisance losing my keys has been,... and I am still very confused about how they went missing in the first place.

I am an island now. NO ONE left. I let Hayley know how I felt and I think she took it bad and I don't think I will be seeing her much in my life anymore. It's not what I want but the truth is I would rather just NOT have her in my life at all than to have her just promise things and never follow through. It't the "I'll be there tomorrow" and then never showing up that leaves me so frustrated. Just don't say your coming at all if you don't plan on showing up!!! I get excited each time she texts only to be disappointed when she doesn't show up. I'm tired of being let down so I basically told her to just do her own thing and I let her go,.... 

I also told Kirk to basically just leave me alone too. Our relationship has always been weird anyway. I never ever knew where I stood with him as he never comes out and tells you what he wants or feels. he is one of these people who just leave cryptic texts hinting but never comes out and tells me. I am a no-nonsense person. I speak my mind on most things. No beating around the bush with me. But he NEVER did. The whole time I have known him he is very secretive and manipoulative due to juggling all his women. I guess you have to be if you don't want people to find out. But this is now his natural character. To be secretive. I never know what he is feeling or what his plans are or what he wants,.... just texts hinting at stuff I'm not sure what he means. So I think he wants a relationship - but who knows with him?? Since I have no desire to ever be with a man ever again I don't think it's fair to let him think I MIGHT change my mind in time and want to be with him. 

But heres the thing,... I am different than everyone else aren't I? Kirk has a job (making GREAT money) he has a house and a car,... he lacks for nothing. He can go where he wants - when he wants - and pay for it with money he has - So him, and everyone else, just don't understand that they are all in "living" mode and I am in "survival" mode. I am not happy,... I am not well,... I am in pain 24/7 and live without a lot of what I need. So my mindset is completely different than everyone elses. I am completely alone everyday now so I dont even communcicate with people anymore. I have forgotten my social skills and I have no desire to care that I lack them now. I am miserable. So it's hard to 'pretend' your life is normal and fake small talk with others. I just don't have it in me anymore. Kirk thinks I am normal,... in mind,... and just doesn't get that I am depressed and despondant and living in despair. Dating and relationships and rhe absolute LAST thing on my mind. Besides if I am to be honest,... I don't love him that way,... and it would be a lie to allow him to think I do just to get out of my situation. i may be in dire straits but I will never USE someone to better my situation. It just isn't right. I couldnt do that to him as he has been a good friend and kind to me over the past few years. I am just very conscious of leading him on and never giving him what he wants. So i would rather just let him go and he can be with someong who does want him. (God knows he has women in every town around this area!!) But becasue I have made this decision it leaves me with one less friend. And now I am an island with absolutely no one. I spend every single day alone - by myself - with only my cat Maggie as company. 

I have been collecting boxes over the past few months. Every time I walk to Freshco I bring home a couple of boxes. Over the past two years I have slowly been emptying my apartment. Getting rid of all those things you don't need and are just taking up space. Now all I own are things I use on a regular basis. I lost a lot of it when my storage unit was broken into anyway. So it's already nearly empty. Now I am working on cupboards and closets. Getting rid of all but essentials. This way, when I do end my life, my girls won't be stuck going through all my stuff. I mean if it was too hard to get here to visit now ~ God only knows they shouldn't have to be burdened into cleaning out my apartment once I'm gone. No,... if I was so difficult to have in their lives while I was living,... then I'm not going to "burden" them by making them have to go through my things once I'm gone. It sounds like I'm angry and want them to hurt but I don't. I honestly just don't WANT them going through my things. If they didn't like me or want me in life ~ then nothing in my belongings is going to change their minds. I just don't want them to have to go through it. I was obviously a bad mother and I think I would rather they just forgot I ever existed and they can go to where they are happy. Their Dads,....

So I hope to have most of it cleaned out by the new year. It's not like I have much to begin with so it's really not that big of a job. I am so determined to NOT be here by next year that all I can think about is tying up the loose ends of my life and then waitng for the blessed relief of death to end my misery,...

Pretty fucking sad state of affairs isn't it?

I'm so sorry grandma Ida

It's grey and dull and damp outside. And the cloak of my black fog has descended upon me now. So today before I write this I will imagine myself somewhere else. I will transport myself to the freedom of my imagination in an attempt to escape my blah existence. Today I am on the coast. I am sitting on my porch that wraps arond my Cape Cod escape. The ocean waves roar infront of me as I sip my coffee. The couds are dark and menacing. A storm is rolling across the water onto the shore. I love storms. Theres a feeling in the air. Like everything is heightened. The temperature is dropping but I don't move to go inside. Instead I close my eyes and embrace it. The heat from my coffee mug on my hand. The cool air brushing my face. Sand soon starts to whip up creating little funnels dancing on the beach. The beauty of the light from the shore against the black of the sky of the storm was breathtaking. Nature in all her splender. With the rain starting to fall with large drops I hesitantly get up and go inside. Lightening will soon follow so I head for the shelter of my home. It is here I write my blog today.

My heart is heavy as I come to a realization. My Grandma Ida (Dyer) Holyoak lived a grim existence in her last 20 years of life. As far as I can tell from my ancestry records as well as the stories I have heard from living relatives I can only surmise what she lived through in the end, but I am confident it is pretty acurate.

I have said before there seems to be a curse that runs through the ancestry line of the women in my family. Not all the women,... but there seems to be one female in every generation that ends up living a life of lonliness and poverty at their end. And so far it has been my branch on the family tree. It started with my Grandma Ida who it would seem ended up in a nursing home in Parkdale Toronto for a good many years. When Granpa died leaving her with 6 kids and pregnant with the 7th she really couldn't cope. Her life spirralled into drink and from what I understand she dealt with dementia leving her unable to look after herself. We don't seem to know how but she ended up in this nursing home in Parkdale. It sounds like her mind had deteriorated quite a bit and she ended up almost non-commicable. In the end I will never know what her physiacal or mental state was as the records seem to be gone. But I do know she was rarely thought of once she was in there. Most of her children had scattered and weren't able or willing to be in her life. I could only ask one of her children - my aunt - why she didn't visit and she felt it was too difficult for her emotionally because of her mothers mental deterioration and her inablity to even recognize who she was most visits. I get that. My aunt was still young herself and in the foster care system at this time so I can see how this would have happened. But knowing why no one visit isnt' the same as understanding why no one visit. Where was everyone? I know she had a 'boyfriend' (???) that visit a couple of times as his son Bruce had remembered going to visit her when he was a young child. (Turns out Bruce ended up being her grandson). But I don't think anyone else ever took the time to visit her. And so that makes me realize that she spent about 20 years rotting in this nursing home. ALONE. This breaks my heart. Probobly because I know exactly how that feels. To be thrown away and then forgotten about. Which is exactly what she was. Her kids all took off to do their own thing and she had no one to look after her. I imagine the system eventually put her in this home becasue her family didn't. We still dont' know exactly how she ended up in there. but she did,... for a long time,... alone,... My poor Grandma Ida died alone. 

My Mom Diane Holyoak - Ida's daughter - lived alone up in the mountains of British Columbia. She too, died alone. There seems to definitley be a pattern here. All 3 of us women in the Holyoak line lived our last 20 years alone. And I don't know the full situation with my Mom Diane,...but I do know she lived alone in a trailer in the mountains where she eventaully died. Alone. The curse of the Holyoak women seems to be we lose our children and die alone.  I have been alone for 23 years now. And heartbreakingly I realize I, too, am going to die alone,.... the curse of the Holyoak women,...

In a side bar of interest,... My great grandma Lizzy Ball (Ida's Mom) died of the spanish flu along with her infant daughter. HER mother ~ Annie Ball ~ died from chloroform narcosis ~ which begs the question ~ accident or intentional? Definitely some interesting things in this branch of my family tree. 

But the one dominant constant for all of us seems to be that we all died alone and lonely,... like a curse,....

But going back to Grandma Ida,... Now that I know I feel quite guilty. Her kids did to her what my kids did to me,... they were disinterested and fucked off leaving her to fend for herself. Right or wrong it had to have been so painful for her to feel so unwanted. I feel the same way now. It breaks my heart to know that she was so lonely too,... But the worst thing that haunts me at night when I think of her is we never did find where she was laid to rest. I was told by the nursing home that she was buried in a pauper part of the cemetery - unmarked. The funeral home that dealt with her has long since shut down so the records are gone. This makes me sad. She died alone feeling unwanted and unloved and i don't even have a place to go to tell her that I am sorry,... she's just,.... gone,....

Today is not good,... today is not good at all,...

I can no longer sleep without the tv on. The apartment is so quiet that I need the sound. I don't know if it's a comfort thing or what but when I turn the tv off eveything is so quiet. To the point it's unsettling. I rarely leave the unit now. Only to take out the garbage. So I am now sequestered away in here for nearly 24 hours a day. I find myself pacing the floor with anxiety a lot now. What I really need is to get out of here and exercise. Go for a long walk. But I can't right now as my pain level is too high. If I go outside the cold gets into my bones and that translates to severe pain. So I am pretty much stuck inside now for the remainder of the winter. But here we are November 21st and I am already going out of my mind with the boredom. Usually it's the new year before my cabin fever sets in but this year it has already arrived. 

Yesterday was bad. I pretty much cut off all ties with both Kirk and Hayley. I was just fed up of them only ever sending a one line text and then leaving me hanging. Thats not a friendship. I want people to come and visit,... have converstaions,... be IN my life,... but instead I am only a "one line text" friend. When you text them back,... they have already left the converstaion and moved on. Hmmmmm,... so I wasn't even a part of the conversation. When you live alone and basically speak to no one but your cat ~ you actually forget what your voice sounds like sometimes. I can go a whole week without even talking to another human being. So I guess what I am saying is I crave human interaction,... I crave people coming to visit,... I crave conversation,... I am suffocating with lonliness right now. So having someone just toss a one line text at you and then disappear and then they ignore your texts for the next few hours or even days is only FRUSTRATING! It's like they are saying I know you are there so I'm letting you know I remember but your not important enough to actually waste any time on. Just throw me a line once in awhile,... and then walk away leaving me hanging. So I told Kirk not to bother. There are other issues in this relationship anyway. Like he is an X and I can NEVER ever trust him as he is a liar and a cheat. not just once but all the time to the point where he juggles women. I have no desire to be in his harum. So I have let him know that we will only ever be friends. And in the back of his mind - he wants more. So I think in order to not lead him on I just ended the friendship. He wants a girlfriend. I never want to date or have sex with a man ever again. I do not miss men,... I do not miss sex. I only ever want friends. I don't care to ever be in a relationship ever again. I think encouraging our friendship to continue only leads him on to hope for more and there will NEVER EVER be more. I think it's kinder to just end it now so he can move on and find what he wants. Becasue he will never find it in me.

Hayley is much more complicated. I texted her exactly what I was thinking. I had just had enough of the one line text relationship. So I called her on it. But the problem has nothing to do with texts really. The problem lies in the core of our relationship. And in my eyes what I see is me desperate to have a daily relationship with her but she thinks a relationship means visiting once every few monts to placate me. I feel in her heart that her step-mom is her REAL Mom and I am just,... well I think herein lies the problem,... she doesn't know what I am to her as she already has a Mom so my role has already been filled by HER. (I can't even say her name I'm so angry she got to raise my girls and I didnt').

So,... I said things I cannot take back. So she has to sit with it and decide whether I'm worth it. But it will only come across as me selfish wanting her time. It's not the time I want,... it's a close realtionship. I want her to phone me,... visit me,... TALK to me,... but instead I get thrown a half hour here - an hour there - but no real conversation. last ime she invited me there for dinner I was so excited. I did bring some paperwork though as I really do need help in my housing and other issues but when I started to talk to her she hit the MUTE button on the remote and waited for me to finish what I was saying and then turned the volume back on and started watching tv again.We hadn't even started the program and I didn't even know what the show was about so it's not like it was at a crucial state in the story where we needed to pay attention. It was an out and out "I don't want to talk". She does this. She is nice to me. But she is not invested in me. I am a burden to her. She feels obligated to keep me placated by texting and acting like shes interested in my life but the truth is she has never even sat and listened to the the problems I have. I think she feels I want money or something she can't do to help,... so I almost think she is AFRAID to allow herself into my life. This is just a guess. Because I really don't know what the problem is. I just know that for her first 9 years of her life we were very, very close. When she returned into my life things were never the same. Infact we rarely saw each other. As you have read throughout this blog this 'estrangement" has left me hurt. 

What would I like to see? Therapy. I would like to sit down with her and fix whatever this problem is between us. She just will not allow herself to get close to me and leaves me on the fringes of her life. She will text and drop by every few months for a 20 minute visit but that seems to be the extent of her involvement. The problem is I want to have her in my life every single day. i want her to drop by for coffee,.... I want her to invite me to her curling or what ever it is they do,... I guess what I'm saying is I want to be INCLUDED in their life. I hear her boyfrined on the phone to his daughters every time I see him. (which has only been 4 times) so HE is involved with HIS kids,... but Hayley - maybe not even realizing what shes doing herself - keeps me at arms lengh of being IN her life. I get to watch it,... just not be a part of it,....

So yesterday I was severely depressed. I sat in the dark livingroom mindlessly watching tv. I can't even remember what I watched as shows all start running into each other after awhile when thats all you do is watch tv,... after a while they just become voices in the background so you can fool yourself into thinking your not alone and lonely. But yesterday, not even this was helping. I spent the whold day after "releasing" Hayley from her committment to me, feeling completely numb and depressed. I also spent the whole day thinking of ways to die. Infact yesterday and today that is all I can think about. HOW to finally find peace and relief from this torture they call life.

I have absolutely NO DESIRE to be alive right now. I have no desire to even try and carry on. For what? My situation will never get better and time has told me that it actually gets worse and worse with each passing year. 

I am a body that breaths and that is all. Now,... I have to find a way to stop the breathing,.....

 I have deactivated my Facebook account. I have locked up both blogs. I no longer wish to be a part of this world. And so I shut my door and close my blinds and I am now alone ~ well I've always been alone ~ but now I am isolating and not even bothering to associate with "The Outside" as it will now be known. In my life there are two worlds. The outside world and mine. And from now on the two will never mix.

I have had enough.

I left this message for Hayley:

"I need my cat carrier and that key. Can you have C**** (her boyfriend) drive them over. Thank you. You're obviously too busy to get them here and i need them. You don't even have to talk to me. Just dump them off please. If C**** can't then leave them outside your house and I will wlk over and get them. Just text to let me know they are outside where ican get them. I need them now. I've waited weeks your obviously not coming over. Thats fine but i need my cat carrier. Then you never have to see me again. I obviously dont fit into your life and you have no time for me/ So i let you go.I am no longer your burdern or embarrassment You are free of me." 

She can make all the excuses in the world but in the end it was just too hard for her to get over here. Whatever,... I haven't lost her,... she was never mine to lose in the first place. She wasn't in my life at all and then showed up on my doorstep addicted to fentynal and needing a place to stay to get sober. i gave that to her. But once she was well she went on wirh her life and I wasn't a part of it. She can SAY all she wants to. But I needed lots of support over the past year and she hasn't benn here. She's been too busy. And as I said I never had her to begin with - she was never mentally here - so nothing on my side will change. Except for now i won't have any hope.HOPE is a dangerous thing and it will eat you up alive and disappoint you into despair,....

I have given up. I no longer communicate with the outside world. I just stay in this aprtment 24/7 watching mind-numbing tv. There are too many hours in a day and not enough to do to fill in those hours. My pain is horrible. It stops me from doing so much. Well,... it stops me doing everything. 

I have thought of nothing else but ending my life the past few days. I definitely am ready and can't wait to take my very last breath. But finding a way to do it is another story. I have so many ways but they all involve pain and trauma. I wanted to die peacefully and surrounded by loved ones. but instead i will end up jumping into the gorge or running out infront of a truck on the highway. A horrible,... scary,.... traumatic way to go. But I feel I just can't go on yet one more day.

Do you know how it feels to be the unwanted one? It's lonely. And it hurts your heart right down to your soul. 

My Mom didn't want me so gave me away,...

The Morgans were awesome but soon as I showed signs of mental illness they couldn't cope and I was forever an 'outsider' to them. An obligation tehy started and had to finish,...

My husband didn't want me and not only left me - but took my children. he took my soul reason for being on this planet. 

My children didn't want me. I am mentally ill and a burden and a nuisance. 

I am poor,....

I am in pain all the time,....

and no one likes me,....

and no one wants me,....

It;s the lonliest fucking existance that I can no longer bear,....

I'd like to say it's been a good life but I can't. I was thrown away by so many people that I can't even name them all. In the end I was "that person" The onle nobody wanted and walked away from.

I must be the most horrible mentally ill monster that ever lived.

And like my mother and my grandmother before her,... i will die alone. Unwanted and alone.

Now,... we just have to find a way to do it,...

Not a good day,...

I don't even know where to begin. But today I am at my end. The past week has just gotten worse and worses with each passing day. Nothing is improving yet other things are getting much worse. Yesterday I went to bed at 8:30 at night because I was so bored and had absolutely nothing to do but watch tv,... which I had already been doing all day. I couldn't bear to watch one more tv program. So I went to bed in the hopes that sleep would take me away from my mind. Give me a break of not having to think at all.

Today I woke up at 6 but couldn't bring myself to bother getting up. All I could do was think of all the empty hours I was going to have to fill when I had nothing to fill them with. So I just lay there - staring up at the ceiling - totally numb and empty inside. I have no joy or positivity in my life to even bother getting up anymore. So I lay there for hours and hours just rotting,... just laying there staring at the ceiling - rotting away. Finally around 9:00 I managed to drag myself out of bed and try and start this day. But I know from how I am feeling that it will be a miracle if I even make it through today.

My pain is unbearable. Everything aches. Every move I make creates pain somewhere. So I just give up and sit here and cry,... 

WHY AM I BEING FORCED TO STAY ALIVE IN THIS MISERY? 

So maybe I won't. Hayley seems to have no intention of ever coming by to visit. Shes not even bothering to send text message excuses anymore. Her promise to stop by was well over 2 or 3 weeks ago now and still NO HAYLEY. Theres busy,... and then theres I don't like my Mom and I hate visiting her so I won't. But I won't tell my Mom I don't like her and don't want to visit,.. I will just string her along. TELL her what she wants to hear and then NEVER follow through. Ok,... I get it Hayley,... You are TOO BUSY to be in my life. Whatever,... go and do your thing then,.. I release you,... I will never contact you again because all I feel like I am doing is harrassing and annoying you. So - I OFFICIALLY LET YOU GO TODAY. 

So as of today,... I have no children. Not ones that want me or wants to be in my life anyway. I am a mentally illl monster. NO ONE wants me. 

So today I have some decisions to make. I REFUSE to spend one more wasted day of NOTHING. Today SOMETHING has to change because I just don't have it in me to do this anymore. NO ONE LIKES ME!!! Not even my own children,... thats a pretty heavy pill to swallow. But I get it,... I am a horrible human being who doesn't deserve family and just needs to go away,.. stop being a burden and just go away,....

If I don't hear from Hayley today I give up. What the fuck is the point if you have no family or friends to share your life with and suffer such extreme lonliness. I have BEGGED my children to be in my life but they just simply don't want to be. I can't force them... they have their reasons,.. but I'm not going to endure the hurt and humiliation that brings to me anymore. It's devastating,...

The pain ends now.

NO ONE fucking cares anyway,... 

But this life of NOTHING,.... not going to do it anymore,.. who am I doing it for? NO ONE cares.

BTW,... my keys are still missing. I have torn this apartment apart. Drawer by drawer,... cupboard by cupboard,... they are NOT IN THIS APARTMENT. Which is beyond weird because if I had lost them outside I would have known instantly as I would not have been able to get back into my building! So I know I HAD to have had them to let me into my unit and THEN they disappeared. But like I said,... I put them in a bowl - never anywhere else - so how did they get up and walk away? I have thought about this a lot and there are only two explanations,... One is I have a ghost. and the other is,... they have been stolen. Which leaves me really,... really,... unsettled,.... This whole lost keys thing just doens't make any sense. There is no reason my keys should not be in the key bowl. END OF. I just don't have an explanation to why and where they have disappeared to. Its a HUGE mystery. And it has me rattled. Just another reason to just end it all,...

Are you going to help me? No,... no one can help me but my children. All I have EVER wanted was my children in my life. Like my friends do. Their kids are in and out of their homes and they call and text constantly and there is a real relationship there. Not with me,... I am a burden that my girls never did want. I stayed around hoping things would change but after all these years they haven't gotten better. They still avoid me and think of me as nothing but a mentally ill burden their lives are too busy for.

SoI have spent the past 20 fucking years alone hoping to get my children back but now I see that is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. 

It's time. It's fucking time,....