Completely alone now and just want to die

 Well, that's it. Everything is closed up now. I deactivated my Facebook account. I closed up both blogs to private. I don't want to be seen anymore. The world has made me invisable,... so now I really am.

But I can't tell you how lonely this feeling is. Knowing noone even knows your alive now. No family or friends and now no social media at all. 

Alone

Completely alone

The damage caused to my mental health over the past five years has been horrible. I don't even feel like a human being anymore.

I am a HATED MONSTER and today marks the first day of me hiding from the world forever.

I hate people now - HATE

I just want to be left alone to die now

And today - my blood pressure was so high I thought that was going to happen today.

But i still can't get out to get my health card re-activated.

TRAPPED

I am trapped - inside my apartment and inside my life,...

I am trapped

I am closing up this blog as all it does it highlight how much I am unworthy

Dear God

I cannot sleep tonight as my mind won't stop turning. And the one question that keeps coming up over and over again is why?

Why do I exist? I am alone - unwanted - unloved - and suffering,... so WHY am I here?

There was a time in my life when I went to church twice a week. Sunday service and then bible study on Wednesday's. I brought my girls to church so they would have a base for a religion if they choose to pursue it later. (they didn't)

I walked the walk God,....

Yet tonight I sit here in such pain I am forced to rethink if I believe you exist at all. 

Why do some people get good lives while others do nothing but live in poverty and lonliness? I did what I was suppose to do yet,... I am miserable.

Life is too hard now. I can't even get basic needs anymore like groceries and clothes. i don't leave my apartment for MONTHS at a time.

I have written in this blog for years and years using it as my therapy. But it got me nothing but nasty people using it for their research to abuse me later. TONYA HALLS,.... DARREN GREEN,.... both have used this blog to learn everything that hurts me and then HURTS ME with it,... and they have hurt me more than even they realize. I will never get over the abuse these two put me through. Especially Tonya - she just would not stop!!!! I can't bear her intrusion anymore,....

I am not a human being. I am a thing that was born to parents who didn't want me. I am unwanted. Just one of those people in life who doesn't have a 'charming' personality. People don't like me,... it has taken me over 60 years to finally get that through my stupid head. I mistakenly believed I had a family that loved me,... friends that loved me,... but in the end when the shit hit the fan they ALL LEFT.

My daughter told me "I'm just feeling sorry for myself" 

Yeah,... my blood pressure is in second stage hypertention,... I can't feel my right arm,... can't use my hands as they are still all mangled and in pain,... I can't get out to get groceries with no car and the weather being uncoperative,....

I am in PAIN and dying of hypertention

But I'm just feeling sorry for myself,...

Why can't people just see and believe me,....??

But they wont'. When you dont like someone you dont' want to believe it's not their fault. You want to gloat and say I told you she was horrible,... it's like it's almost fun for them to dislike me. WHY can't people just believe I am really needing help,....

This is why I have given up. I have done everything I can to find help. A doctor,... transportation,... I can't find it. But to the world - it just looks good on me that I am suffering. To my family? I deserve it,...

And becasue of all of this God, I struggle to see why I exist. Why was I born if noone was oging to want or like me??? You made me enter this world,... yet you gave me no tools to survive. You gave me a mental illness that has ruined every relationship I ever had and a body that has so much pain I go mad with it,...

So why? You gave me children but took them away so I felt shame instead of love,...

You gave me a family that didn't even 'like' me so felt ok saying I'm a monster and walking away,..

You didn't give me the tools to know how to deal with this world. Instead i floundered alone just trying to survive.

WHY 

I am closing up this blog now. 

I am invisable.

I am worthless

And it's embarrassing and humiliating that I have written everything here and still,....

NOONE CARED

So I give up. No more blog,... No more Facebook,... no more access to me at all,... after I shut down this blog,... I disappear and noone will hear from me again.

You all had five years to help me,... but all I got was crickets. That told me all I needed to know,...

The silence was deafening and broke my fucking heart. so now I disappear and hope that God will take pity on me and let me die of a heart attack finally giving me peace.

It's been theraputic,... but now it's just heartbreaking knowing they read,... but never care,....

I AM INVISABLE

I AM UNWORTHY

I AM SO UNLOVED THE WORLD WILL REJOICE WHEN I'M GONE

I close this blog with a broken heart knowing I was a nobody,....

Can someone help me buy a tiny cabin in the woods please?

I want to buy a tiny house or cabin in the woods

and leave civilization behind

Just me,... my kitties' and a tiny little cabin I can call my own

Is there such a place I can buy?

I can't stay here anymore,....

I can't stay here anymore,...

I can't stay here anymore,...

I am looking at property anywhere in Ontario under $100,000

they are there,... I have seen them,...

but can I buy one?

I wish I knew someone who could help me

Because I can't stay here anymore,...

Give me one last wish and help me buy an escape from this misery

 

When I moved into Ontario Housing nearly ten years ago,... I was happy. Optomistic. I was a Christian.

Now

I don't even believe in God anymore

and I'm miserable

I will die before being evicted

 I don't think anyone

will ever understand

How having your housing 

used as collateral

is so humiliating

I am a grown woman 

yet some person at a desk

can make me homeless 

becasue she can,....

Noone will every understand 

the stress and anxiety 

that creates

I

NEVER

FEEL

SAFE

When is this world

 going to stop punishing the poor

 with the threat of their housing?????

It's cruel and inhumane 

and I just can't do it anymore

You want me evicted

fine

I WILL GO

but I will die 

before being evicted

Ontario Houosing is so petty and i am going to be homeless

 I have lost my faith in humanity. Today is a perfect example of how Ontario Housing is more concerned for it's employees (whether they are right or wrong) than they care about their tenants.

I did something very simple that I never thought would come back to haunt me. One day a few weeks ago I tripped over one of the yellow floor signs that warns the floor has just been mopped and is wet. I called housing and asked them to not leave the yellow signs out as the maintenance guy leaves them there 24/7. They NEVER LEAVE OUR FLOOR. They sit there for 24 hours on a DRY floor until he returns the next day. He still doens't remove them,... he washed the floor and leaves them there for another 24 hours.

This may seem innocent but this building is full of old people - diabled people - with walkers and wheelchairs. And those of us in walkers,... can't always SEE the signs until we hit them with our walker. I did this as I had a load of stuff on my walker and couldn't see the floor infront of me. I hit it - fell - and then just called housing to ask if they wouldntn' do this anymore. i thought this was the end of it.

But after doing my laps I noticed NOTHING CHANGED. The yellow signs were still all over the building in the middle of the floor on DRY floors. Sitting there for 24 hours never removed. A HAZARD!!! So I just took the signs as I passed them and placed them in the stairwell up against the wall where they would be out of everyones way. I thought nothing of it except I may have prevented an accident.

Today we get a memo in our mailboxes asking for the person who "stole" the yellow signs to put them back. OMG,... here we go,...

So I called houising and left a message as that woman never answeres when she sees it's me calling. So I left a message explainging I moved them for safety reasons. 

But we all know I will be reprimanded for this. I explained that the stairwells had not been cleaned in 5 months. I know as I spilled coffee in one of them between the 3rd and 4th floor on that landing. I spilled it on my birthday - September 7th. So when I do laps I noticed it never got cleaned up. ever. So after a while it became a game. See how long it stays there. IT IS STILL THERE nearly 5 months later. So this maintenencae guy never goes in the stairwells. So of course he wouldn't find the yellow signs I put in there. Instead of seeing the fault of the maintenence guy,.... they will blame it all on me. He won't be reprimanded at all - but I will probobly be given yet another eviction threat ~ or worse a real eviction.

There was no ill-intent here. just moving the signs for safety out of everyones way in the middle of the halls,.... that is all,....

But housing is going to blow this up way out of proportion and I will be reprimanded in some way shape or form.

And this is what I mean when I say i am afraid to even leave my unit. Becasue what I think is innocent ~ ends up hurting me.

I can't stay here. they are obvioulsy out to get me evicted. They didn't want me back and now that Brianne who insisted they take me back is no longer working for them - I think they just want me gone. They use there over the top rules and rtegulations to make that happen.

There is no positives in my life - only hardship.

I dont' want to be here anymore.

I actually hope I have a heart attack soon and die. My blood pressure is way too high and it is staying way too high - but no doctor and cant' even get to Service Ontario to get health coverage. And knowing I am completely alone and fending for myself has just left me ANGRY

I just hope to fucking die now as Ontario Housing is going to evict me in some way shape or form as they don't like me. Because I call them out on their bullshit. NEVER talk bad about Ontario housing or you WILL END UP HOMELESS. Thats where I'm heading I'm pretty sure after they get my call that I am the one who INNOCENTLY moved the signs for SAFETY reason.

I may as well start packing today,.... 

Noone seems to want me around. Maybe today I will have that heart attack and die. Finally leaving this world that seems to hate me.

DIE DIE DIE

It's the only way for me to find peace now

My heart is broken

Guess what I opened Facebook to again today? A fucking pop-up "Are you ok"

Obviously I am not ok. But just getting pop-ups and no help has forced me to realize I have no friends. I have noone who cares if I live or die. I screamed on facebook for help and got a fucking pop-up.

I guess thats all I'm worth 

a fucking pop up

I think it's time to leave Facebook for good. I have "friends" on there that are reading all of my desperate posts - yet noone is offering help. So that tells me they are not my friends. Just people with a morbid fascination for what what finally happens to Jacquie Holyoak. They don't really care - they're just curious.

I mean NOTHING TO ANYBODY

And that last pop-up cemented that for me.

I am fucking alone and dying and none fucking cares

I am dying,... yet noone can help me

 

My cupboards are empty. I am running low on everything. I need to get out and do a supply run. But looking at the weather, I'm not getting out until the end of January now. I have been trying to get to Service Ontario to get my OHIP reactivated but I can't. Between pain and the weather I just can't get there. And now I need groceries too,...

I honestly feel like some pioneer on the prairies in the winter. Once the snow flies,... your stuck inside. NO SUPPLIES OR MEDICAL CARE until spring. But the truth is I live in a small town with about 30,000 people. But noone can see me. I am trapped inside my unit screaming for help but noone can hear me,...

I am losing hope

I am losing motivation

I am in so much pain I can't cope

But I am invisable to this world

Every morning I take my blood pressure - it's higher than the day before. Always reminding me that time is running out!!! If i dont find a doctor and consistent care - I WILL DIE SOON!

I still can't use my hands,...

I still can't feel my right arm,...

I still can't look after myself anymore,...

I closed up my other blog for good. Noone cares about me. They are just reading it for morbid fascination. Will she die or won't she???? But noone cares enought to help. So fuck them,... (this is my other blog that TONYA HALLS my enemy neighbour reads) so all I'm doing is cutting off information to her and Darren and Mark. I'm tired of the world KNOWING I need help but noone actually helping. So no point in writing anymore.

This blog has a completely different following of people. I find this blog my followers are other mental health sufferers and therefore much kinder. So i will leave this blog open but I cut all ties to the other one. Too hurtful knowing so many people read it yet still noone cares to help,....

I'm ready to die now. I know it's coming. Noone has my blood pressure and survives,....

But I will die alone and knowing noone fucking cared to help,....

NO HELP IS COMING and I am going to die

Can you imagine how that feels????

I am dying yet i can't even get a ride to sevice ontario,...

I am going to die becasue of no transprotation and noone hearing me.

I am fucking heartbroken,....

I'm not coping anymore

The stress is literally going to kill me

I have just spent the past hour a puddle on the floor. I have nothing left. I am not coping because I can't do it anymore because I have nothing left.

I had another bad day. I won't get into it but my heater sprung a leak in my bedroom flooding my brand new carpet with whatever it is coomes out of heaters,... It's been leaking for four days so my carpet is saturated and now ruined. Once it dries out it will be all full of mildew. The day did not progress well after that.

But I know 2 things are true if I am to survive.

I need to get the fuck out of Fergus and this building and Ontario Housing,.....

And if I don't get a doctor I will be dead before my vacation even gets here.

I can't fight anymore. My body has given up,... my soul is broken and all I do is cry now. I have nothing left.

what the fuck is wrong with this world

when you cant get to a dcotor to save your life

The only help I am getting,

 is if I pay out of my own pocket. 

and that is never going to happen

Not when all i need is a fucking ride to sevice ontario

this province thinks everyone is rich and has cars 

but we dont 

we are poor 

and cant access help

so need help with rides

I am going to die because I can't get to sevice ontario

I

am 

going 

to 

die 

becasue 

I

dont' 

have

a

ride

And this town has NO transportation

No buses

and ONE taxi that is always already in use

I am going to die

for lack of a ride

 I am so angry right now. I have googled what to do if you have no health card and need care for hypertension in the emergency room. I will be stuck with a bill that is the lowest over $1000 and can climb as high as $10,000.00.

So I tried walk in - need a health card

tried 811 - need a health card

tried other internet doctors - you have to pay and then they just tell you to go to your DOCTOR!! So, what twas the point in phoning?????? Waste of money,....

I have discovered that you cannot get health care in tis province unless you have a car.

Without a car I can't get to sevice ontario and i cant get my ohip reneewed 

WHAT THR FUVK AM I SUPPOSE TO DO TO GET HELP?????

Why is noone reading this: I AM DYING AND NEED HELP

I am dying

 

I goggled "My blood pressure is consistently around 192/113 every morning ~ am I dying"?

This was the answer:

A consistent blood pressure of 192/113 is considered "hypertensive crisis" or "severe hypertension" and is a serious medical situation that requires immediate attention. Readings of 180/120 or higher are considered a DANGER ZONE that, if left untreated, can lead to life-threatening issues, including stroke, heart attack, damage to your kidneys and heart and DEATH.

I am dying!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need help!!!!!!!!!

WHY wont anyone help me?????????

I need a fucking doctor and to renew my OHIP but I can't get help to do this,....

And knowing hundreds of people have read this and not one person has helped or even got in touch,..... proves,....

HELP IS NOT COMING ~ I am on my own

Knowing my family reads this and is ignoring it has left me just wanting to die. 

Get it  over with already. Obviously I'm  not getting medical help. I am invisable and unwanted and unloved.

I must be a fucking monster for noone to care I am actually DYING.

All I needed was help to get to Service Ontario but noone came,....

All I needed was a doctor ~ but even my local MP got annoyed at me even asking for help,.... do you really think when I reach out for help and get people being annoyed with me for asking??? Do you really think I'm ever going to ask for help again????? No,.... i'm tired of being made to look like a drama queen. I'm tired of making a fool out of myself asking for help on social media. People dont help,.... they judge you for 'ruining' their timeline with poverty and dying,.... again just an annoying person noone wants to hear about or deal with,....

This has told me all I need to know. I am a monster and noone is coming to help.

I am dying

I am dying

I am dying

But noone gives a shit

Slowly giving up

 

I woke up exhauted. No energy at all. Weak. 

I can't believe that getting health care is so hard.

I dont think I'm ever going to get there now,...

I am too sick to do it on my onw and need someone to actually bring me now. But theres noone.

I hope I die today. I can't cope with the struggle anymore,...

Feeling chilled right down to my bones

I am so cold today. I just can't seem to get warm.

Despite all my complaining about 'outside' of my apartment (the people), I actually love the inside. It's not beautiful. But it's mine and it's a place I can escape from the world outside. Right now it looks a lot like some cat cafe or shelter. Not much in the line of nice things. But I've had 'nice'. It didn't make me any happier to have nice things. It was a lesson I learned too late in life. After I returned from BC. I had nothing but the suitcases I returned with. It wasn't until then I realized that you needed very little. People buy way too much. I was a victim of this myself. Thinking you needed things to create a life. But now I know thats not true at all. It's experiences and loved ones that make a good life. And I was bone dry of experiences or loved ones at this point.

When I got back from BC I had to buy stuff as I was starting over. But my heart wasn't in it. I bought for necessity - not enjoyment. Things didn't hold any value to me. So I only bought the basic needs and then got Molly and Murphy. So my apartment is really catered to them, not me. My stuff is of the value that if my cats break it ~ oh well. I purposely didn't get anything that would upset me if it got broken. So really my tv's are the only things I worry about in here. The rest is all for the cats. When the cats are happy,... it makes me happy. 

And I realize now that my life wasn't happy before because I was missing the things I mentioned earlier. Experiences and loved ones. Well theres not a lot I can do about reconciling with my loved ones. (I'm open to it ~ they aren't) but I can change experiences. Not a lot, but enough to at least want to stick around for a few more years.

But I worry about my health now. I can't go to BC again if I'm not alive to go. I desperately need health care. And I can't even start thinking about a doctor or 911 call until I get my OHIP reinstated. Thats why I was so desperate to get to Sevice Ontario. I tried,... I had called a taxi at first. But we only have one in all of Fergus. I called it 3 times but got no answer. So at that point I knew if I was to get there I was going to have to walk. And of course as I mentioned I didn't get it, as I had forgotten one piece of 'proof of address'. I realized it as soon as I opened the door to Service Ontario. I was gutted. I quickly asked if I needed it for sure and I did. The worst part of it was I knew I needed it, I just forgot it. I thought I had done a check list when I left but I guess I forgot that. So I was more angry at myself than anything. And now I have to do it all over again when the snow and bad weather let up.

And speaking of the cold and snow,... that is why I just can't seem to get warm today. I love my apartment ~ especially the huge windows. But when the temperature dips down below a certain degree, my heat can't keep up. Probobly the big picture windows letting out the heat. (??) And this past week has been very cold. I can't seem to get this apartment warm. I have a little heater but I can't run it too long. I have a heating pad which helps a lot. As a person who grew up in Canada I know about cold weather. But as I get older it seems to effect me more. And today for some reason has been the worst day yet. I just can't seem to warm up. And when I get like this the only thing to do for relief is to have a hot bath. An epsom salt and lavendar bath to ease the pain and melt the cold I can't seem to get out of my bones today. 

I didn't even take my blood pressure today. I just don't want to know anymore if theres nothing I can do about it. :(

I dont see the point anymore

 It's minus 7 degrees outside and miserable

But I want health care

So i walked all the way 

to Service Ontario

Only to find I was short 

ONE fucking ID

So I walked home with no health care

I am FROZEN

I am in pain

and I am sitting here bawling my eyes out

Life should not be this hard

WHY is life this hard?

I dont' know what the point is anymore

No joy and nothing but hardship

I walked about 4 or 5 km and still 

did not get health care

I must have been a serial killer 

in a past life

becasue I feel like I get nothing but

PUNISHED

Do I really need health care??

I do

But I'm too tired and weak to get it

What is the fucking point now?

Hard realization to learn ~ noone fucking cares

 When you basically lose all self respect and go onto Facebook and make a post like this:

I am going to die because I can't find transportation or a doctor! Can't get health care until I get to Service Ontario to reinstate my OHIP but I cant get there as I'm too weak now and the weather wont allow me to walk. I am going to die because I am invisable to this world. My blood pressure is always high now. I AM DYING and need help but people just read these and think I am crazy. Look at her making a fool of herself on Facebook,... I asked the MP,... I asked 211 and health connect,... I asked and asked and asked and noone answered,.... I am invisable to this world.

**********************************************************************

I got 1 like and 1 comment (thank you Trish you were the only person in the entire world that even let me know you care). Instead I got dozens of the dreaded pop-up "are you ok?"

NO - NO I am not fucking OK!!!!!!

But clicking on something that takes all of 2 seconds for you, and then you walk away and forget about me altogether? Thats not caring,... thats satisfying yourself so that you can say you helped,... Assuage the guilt of KNOWING I AM IN SERIOUS TROUBLE BUT NOT WANTING TO ACTUALLY GET INVOLVED YOURSELF. I am never good enough for anyone to actuallly reach out to me in person. I am a post on Facebook to people and that is all.   So to those of you thinking you are doing something???? YOU ARE NOT!!!You didn't help at all,.... helping and caring would be to contact me to see if there was anything you could do to help. A real friend would do THAT - not click on one button and then forget about me and go on with your day. 

This post left me heart-broken. I made an absolute fool of myself and yet,.... in the end I realize noone really cares. NOONE is going to reach out,... noone wants to get involved. 

I AM NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH FOR ANYONE TO CARE TO HELP

That is the message I got from that post. I don't understand. I am desperate!!! I have tried everything,... but I just can't seem to get one person to actually lift a finger to help. 

I am not asking for money!!!!!!!! I think people think I am grifting for money. But let me tell you something. In the 26 years I have lived in poverty - NOT ONCE did I ever ask anyone for a penny. NOT ONCE. That isn't even what I need.

I need rides as the winter has been brutal and I can't get out. My cupboards are bare as I can't get grocery shopping done. I have about 10 errands that need doing but I can't get out. 

I AM NOT ASKING FOR MONEY!

Yet ***crickets***

I have a brother who lives a 5 minute drive away - but hates me.

I have a daughter that lives 2 minutes away - but hates me.

I have no friends anymore. They got mad when i made a post saying that the middle class have it so much easier that we do and they thought I was making a dig at them,... whatever,... that just told me that they didn't want me as a friend anyway. You don't end a friendship over just one post,.... so I didn't fight it. I just disappeared from their lives. 

What all this has told me is this:

I am not worth saving,...

I am not worth helping,...

I am not liked enough for people to care,...

I am a hated mentally illl monster that noone likes,...

How would you feel if you had no doctor but knew you were dying,... How would you feel if you asked for years and years and years for help but got nothing but silence. how would you feel if you were making a fool of yourself just trying to get someone to see you ~ but noone cares. They read you are dying,....

Let me write that again so we can see how bad it is,...

They read that I am dying and need help but only one friend responded. I wrote that I am dying and noone cared,....

That was soul destroying and I'm never getting over that. I was just told YOU DON'T MATTER so fend for yourself as noone is going to ever help you.

I screamed for help and got silence

How do you think that makes a person feel. I'll bet if YOU told someone you were dying EVERYONE would help you. Your family,... your frineds,.... everyone,....

When I say I'm dying noone cares,... (I dont even think they believe me) 

I can't get past that. It left  me feeling horrible.

I am not worth saving to this world. Noone would care if I died today,... noone would even bat an eye,...

Infact when I do have a heart attack and die,... from what I just learned ~ I think people will just be relieved

Thank God the mentally ill monster is gone,....

YAY!!!!!!!! 

The perosn noone liked is GONE

And I died knowing I was hated and not worth saving,...

There is no worst feeling in the world knowing you are alone and unwanted and invisable,.....

I am going to die because I was invisable to this world and can't get a doctor or help!!!

 

I had planned to get up early today and walk to Service Ontario and get my health card sorted out. I had phoned them yesterday to see why it was invalid and it was because of BC. I figured that but it was a little confusing as I had used this health card once in Emergency after I came back so why wasn't it noticed then? Doesn't really matter anyway,... just as long as i get it sorted out. I have to go in person and show all of  my ID. 

But of course in my life nothing is easy. We dont' have buses here in Fergus and we only have ONE taxi. And this taxi is usually busy with school runs and other scheduled fares. Your lucky if you don't have to wait an hour for one. So I just walk everywhere. And that is exactly what I had planned for today. 

But that isn't going to happen. I woke up around 3 with a headache. Not good. Thats a sympton. I got up and took my blood pressure and it was over 200 ~ very scary. So I just sat there as quiet as I could until it went down enough I wasn't worried. It's now down but still high. I desperately need to get help but I can't do anything until my health card is re-instated. And thats not going to be today,... looking out my window there is a storm raging and it's -14*. I am not going anywhere today.

So i literally sit here crossing my fingers hoping I don't die today of a heart attack or stroke.

My head doensn't feel well. There is pressure,... things are getting worse.

HOW am I going to get to Service Ontario to get my health card re-instated??? This storm is forecasted for the entire week. I may not be able to walk there for weeks,.... or even a month. 

My life could be saved if only I had transportation,.... but noone offers me a ride ~ ever. That tells me I'm not worth saving.

This is why my life is so difficult. What others don't even think about, I can't do. No car,... no transportation and the weather refuseing to co-operate. I am trapped inside my apartment. And each hour that goes by,... I get worse. I am weak now. I don't even know if I have the energy to get to Service Ontario,... it may be too late for me now.

I say it again,... "The middle class have it so much easier than we do 'down here'" I cna't even get out to get health care,....

I am very, very worried I will die before I can get out,.....

This is life completely alone with no family or help. Frustrating and heart=breaking,... knowing you are dying but noone cares and your left to fend for yourself. And I've reached a point where I can no longer look after myself. I can't get out to do groceries anymore,... I can't get out at all as my body is shutting down and i feel weak now.

I am on borrowed time ~ but no help is coming.

So again, I leave out my basket of end of life care as I really dont think I am going to live much longer. And with no family someone has to know what to do with me. So I have left out my instructions.

When i die noone will know. I will have to be found. Alone. I knew I would die alone but now that I fear it is close I am feeling scared. With every heart palpatation and shortness of breath ! I panic. Is this the end? 

All I wanted was a doctor,....

But I am a mentally ill monster to this world noone wants to see or deal with,...

So I sit here waiting to die.

If i stop writing maybe someone should call 911 for a wellness check as I really do feel in my heart and soul and bones that I am dying and it's not far off.

If I had a doctor and health care ~ I COULD BE SAVED!!!

But i dont and noone seems to care,....

So i guess I won't see my vacation afterall

Unless I get medication and care I will dead in weeks or months.

So sad I mean nothing to this world and I will die alone knowing nobody cared,...

I feel like the most unwanted - unloved - monster that ever lived.

 All I wanted was help

In case they find me dead

I have woken up not feeling well. Subtle symptoms but symptoms all the same. Low dull headache,... no energy at all. My blood pressure is extremely high this morning.

But I feel too weak to go to Service Canada today to renew my health card. So without healthcare coverage I refuse to call for help. I am not going to get stuck with a bill for thousands,... it isn't worth it to me. It's just easier to die of a heart attack.

And in light of this view,... 

I feel like I am dying

So I have left a basket on top of my stove. It contains all my end of life care. There is noone to call so just call the crematorium. All the paperwork is there.

I dont' know what else to do,.....

If I can't get help,... then I should at least leave my end of life care instructions out for the cops to find.

I have left instructions for the cats as well.

I am dying and not one person on this planet gives a fuck

And I'm too weak to care anymore,.... just let me die now

Canadians Are Not Living Anymore.. They Are Now Just Holding On

This video made me so sad. I was born in Toronto (in 1963) and this Province is my home. I was so PROUD to be a Canadian. When I travelled I made sure I had a Canadian flag on me somewhere. I was PROUD TO BE CANADIAN!

But the Canada I was born into is NOT the Canada I live in today,...

I used to be so proud,... up until about 5 years ago 

And after seeing this video, I don't think I am the only Canadian wondering as this women in the video did,... "What the fuck is going on with our Country?"

I think if your middle or upper class you dont' see it as much. But living 'down here in poverty' I see everything and I feel the resources that were put in place in the sixties, seventies and eighties for us have disappeared and I am living in poverty becasue the money is all gone.

The money in Canada is all gone and I am paying for it,.... thousands are paying for it,...

Where did all the money go Canada???? And why does it seem like we are being left to struggle while the rich get richer?

This video made me cry,... because this is MY Toronto. The Toronto I was born in.

Just feel like the world doesn't care and I am going to die alone

 

I am dying ~ I am in the second stage of hypertension and I will be dead soon. I am not going on my vacation as I won't be alive. My blood pressure is so high now it is never low. I WILL have a stroke or a heart attack before I am able to enjoy my vacation on June 30th.

All my life I have been alone. I have had to deal with life and it's problems alone. But now I am tired and  I can't do it anymore. I was hoping to get a holiday in but I know from these readings that I won't be alive when the time comes.

I do not have the energy to walk to Ontario Service. I don't have the eneergy becasue I am dying and can't walk there.

I am tired,... and now I just want to be left alone to die

When someone finds me,... I will have my end of life papers out with all my wishes. 

Until then,... I guess I just suffer,...

FUCK YOU ONTARIO

FUCK YOU CANADA

FUCK YOU DOUG FORD

Because in the end I was just an invisable burden noone wanted to deal with.

So best I have this heart attack and just die

Then everyone will be happy they no longer have to deal witht the annoying woman who only wanted health care,...

I only wanted health care,....

But instead I was an invisable mentally ill monster noone wanted to know,... and died alone,... wondering why noone would help,....

Zero health coverage or care ~ just want to die now

I am sitting here feeling so disheartened. I just can't help feeling like the world is working against me. Everything I do ~ turns out to be a problem. Just once,.... just once I would like to do something and it just worked! No issue,... no problem,... just worked.

Obviously Ontario cancelled my OHIP (Ontario Health Insurance Plan). I guess when I went to BC they just went ahead and cancelled my Ontario card. But I have been to the ER once since then and noone said my OHIP wasn't valid then. But now it is.

So  now I have to get to an Ontario Service office. But again,... unlike the comfortable middle class who just hop in their vehicles and drive to one,... I can't do that. Again, I have to wait until all the stars align. The weather good,... my pain level manageable,... and I have money that day. (at the end of the month I am ususally broke and cant' buy anything) The weather has turned again making it very cold and the snow has started falling once more. I won't be able to get there for a while,... In the meantime if I have a stroke and I end up in long-term rehab with no medical coverage???? It will cost thousands and thousands of dollars. Maybe even millions,....

So Canada ~ stop bragging about your FREE health care as if you can't access it? What good is free,... and if you leave the province they automatically cancel it and you dont' even know. Leaving you uncovered for months and months. So right now I have zero health care coverage and no doctor or health care at all. Yet our Ontario Premier Doug Ford answered back to me in an automated reply that he takes care of all Ontarions,... BULLSHIT!!

I just literally risked my life leaving an ER as I knew I couldn't afford the bill I was going to get if I stayed. THAT is not looking after anyone. Doug Ford,... you have no idea how we struggle. And more tot the point he has proven he doesn't even care.

All I want is to make it to July so I can finally go on a vacation after 25 years of hardship and poverty. 

If I can just stay alive until then I don't give a shit what happens to me afterwards. But please,... body,.... please just hold out to let me go on my holiday,... But taking my blood pressure this morning has made me realize I probobly won't live that long. I am obviously in the second stage of hypertension and the third stage is DEATH.

What does it say about a province where a 62 yr old disabled person can't even get health care?

I hope I live long enough for my vacation,... but if I don't,.... at least I will have finally found peace from this struggle. I am so tired of this struggle,... I really do wish I could just close my eyes and it will all be over. No more problems,... no more issues,... no more worrying about heart attacks and strokes,.... just peace.

Sometimes I really do wonder why I was even born.

I give up ~ I just need to die

 That was the last straw,... I had to call 911 to come and take me to the hospital. I didn't want to as I had 2 deliveries today (that I missed and are now missing) and I just really don't want to have to pay $45 every time I need health care. But my blood pressure was so high I started feeling the symptoms. 

I am dying of heart disease ~ I had no choice so I called.

I thought I will just call this once and get medication so I can at least be healthy enough to go on my vaction in July. I get to the ER. Everyone is nice,... I get put in a room,... a blood pressure monitor and pulse attached and then LEFT,...

after an hour a woman come in and says my OHIP isn't valid. So she shoves this paper in my face and tells me to sign so if OHIP doesn't cover the visit I WILL BE STUCK WITH THE BILL. (***I just looked it up and what I signed was saying I would pay that bill!!! That is not what they told me,... liars,... if I had stayed I would have had to pay for that whole ER visit and all the tests. THANK GOD I LEFT)

So I left,...

I am so fucking fed up of problems trying to get healh care help. 

I walked out and walked home and I never plan on going back.

Infact,... they told me I am leaving when I shouldn't (easy for them to say they don't have to pay for that visit) but I didn't care. At this point DEATH is more attractive to me than all this bullshit trying to get health care.

At this point I am too tired and too frustreated and mad and just want to have a heart attack and DIE 

Today has been a day

Well today has been a day. The weather was awesome, so I layered up and I walked all the way to the other side of town. I had many errands that had been piling up that I haven't been able to do as I haven't been able to get out because of the snow. But I knew the temperature was going to get as high as 8 this afternoon so I didn't want to waste this opportunity. It was hard going as I didn't bring my walker (which is my shopping bag on wheels) as I would never have gotten it through all the slush. But it was sunny which was a nice treat after being couped up in my apartment for months. Never under-estimate getting outside on a bright sunny day.

First I went to the post office to pick up a passport application. The guy there suggested I get my optometrist to sign for me. Brilliant idea! I could have hugged him. Next the bank (starting to withdraw cash for my holiday slowly) Then the library to print out my itinerery for my flights and hotel. The old fashioned me needs a paper copy to bring to the airport (what if theres no wi-fi and I can't bring it up on my phone to check in and board?) I just like to have a paper copy. Then on to the jewellers here in town to get my necklaces looked at. For the money I spent I needed to know if they were authentic or not. They are. Then Shoppers Drug Mart,...

I was standing at the intersection infront of Shoppers Drug Mart when I realized that the car infront of me that was waiting for the light was on fire! At first I wasn't sure and didn't want to shout out. But then I heard honking from other cars and others shouting. I starting pointing at her car and yelling "your cars on fire" but the poor little old lady driving was oblivious. The light changed to green and there was nothing more I could do as she drove off. But apparently the driver behind her managed to pull her over and they put the fire out. For a small town,... a lot happens,..

After the drug store I was off to Giant Tiger,... 

Now, by the time I finished at Giant Tiger, I was completely on the other side of town. Probobly 5 km from home(??). For the second time in 2 days I felt tired. Physically tired. I don't usually feel that. And the walk home ended up to be a struggle. I ended up going into Subway and buying a sub just so I could sit down and rest before going the rest of the way home. This is not me,... I am pretty sure it's my heart,... and with this trip I have planned now, I want to be alive and healthy enough to go and enjoy it in July. But the past few days have me worried. I was actually worried enough to contemplate 911 again. But no,... I hate the $45 bill just to be told to go to my doctor when I can,... they can write me a prescription but they can't give me consistent care to see my heart disease is progressing. So I called the walk-in but they don't have any available appointments (do they ever when I call if I can even get through?). So,... what to do,... what to do,... what to do,...

and as i write this I still don't know what to do,... but now I'm getting concerned I will have a stroke.

I guess 911 is my doctor

This afternoon when I got back home, I tookmy blood pressure. It was high. So I googled what to do if my blood pressure is 170/110 what should I do?

This was the answer it gave:

A blood pressure of 170/110 is very high (Stage 2 Hypertension) and needs prompt medical attention; you should call your doctor or seek urgent care, especially if you have symptoms like severe headache, chest pain, shortness of breath, or vision changes, as this could be a hypertensive emergency requiring immediate treatment. If you feel fine, still call your doctor for an urgent appointment or go to the ER, as your provider might need to adjust medication quickly. 

I should CALL MY DOCTOR,... but wait,... I don't have a doctor!!

I have done the walk-in,...

I have done 911 (far too many times),...

What am I expected to do? 

I guess 911 is my new family doctor because thats all I have.

But the problem is,... next time I call it could be too late

I may have already stroked out,...

I am dying and I NEED a doctor! What good is free health care if you can't access it????

So,... does anyone want to take bets on when I die because I dont have a doctor?????

My blood pressure is too high lately and I am worried. I have a trip planned and I can't have a heart attack or a stroke before I go or worse ~ while I'm there. My average BP is 160/110 which is NOT GOOD. But it also gets as high as 212/110 which is fatal,... I desperately need a doctor. DESPERATELY,...

I am normally a go-getter. I hate to just sit and do nothing but watch tv. So I putter around all day cleaning and re-cleaning and doing stuff I dont' even need to do just to keep busy. Yesterday the weather changed for the better. So I took advantage and walked to Walmart to get a few things. But even though I am fairly fit for my age,... I got tired easily. Infact overall I have symptoms that are pointing to heart disease and the onset of a heart attack or stroke. And they are getting worse.

When your body feels the symptoms,... it's probobly too late,... you already have heart disease,....

All because I can't find a fucking doctor,....

My grandfather died of a heart attack at 50 years old!

My cousin had a heart attack,....

My family is rife with heart disease ~ I need a fucking doctor and I need to be on BP medication. I take my BP every morning and it is consistently getting higher and higher with each passing month.

I AM DYING and I need a doctor!!!!!

I need 5 surgeries and I have heart disease,.... 

Yup, Canada has free health care ~ IF you can access it!!! If you don't have a doctor??? Your going to suffer,.... and I am suffering.

If I die before this vacation I will be pissed,....

All becasue I can't find a doctor!!!!

Way to go Canada!!!!! your letting people DIE!

Giving my granddaughter her legacy

It came! It took a bunch of emails and two weeks, but my stolen necklace has been replaced. It looks beautiful. I will take it to get appraised the next time I am in town, but from what I can see - and my opinion is by no means professional - it looks real. For now I am just so relieved that it has been replaced. I just don't have enough money to throw that much away.

It is an infinity heart necklace. It symbolizes eternal, endless and unbreakable love. Blending the heart (love) with the infinity symbol (no beginning or end) to represent a bond that is forever.

I will leave this necklace with the baby book I had bought her when she was born. I am hoping that she will see that she had another grandmother too,... one her mother wouldn't allow her to see. I am hoping this tells my granddaughter that she was not only loved,... but thought of every single day. And I hope it makes her feel even a tiny connection to me. She will never know who I really was,.... as she only has her mothers version. But I hope this gesture will allow her to open her heart and love me for being her grandmother and not for what she has heard from everyone else. 

I want her to know her Irish roots. I want her to know her family history. So I will leave a 'letter' telling her all about her female ancestors that came before her. The same women I have put on my own headstone. Bringing us all back together. I hope she will someday visit my grave and see the women whos blood is running threw her veins. Strong women who led hard lives. Survivors,....

 

• Anna Louisa Calgey           1856 ~ 1899 
• Elizabeth Ann Ball             1879 ~ 1920
• Ida Maye Dyer                   1916 ~ 1994
• Diane Holyoak                   1945 ~ 2013
• Jacqueline Rose Holyoak   1963 ~ ?

Things like this really disheartens me

 I joined a group on Facebook called Friends of Vancouver Island. I posted a post that got a lot of attention. Over 350 likes. Comments such as "what a heartfelt story",... yet,... curiously the post was removed. And this is what I dont' understand about Facebook and people.

I see post after post of scams and illegal drug selling and overall general smut on my timeline every single day. The hard drug sellers I reported over and over again only to be reprimanded with "I am reporting too much and my facebook profile was paused as i was 'punished' for reporting drug dealers selling cocain and fentanyl on facebook. So I guess they sided with the drug dealers and punished me for reporting them too much.

Anyway,... going back to my 'adventure' in BC. I have always thought of that young man that picked me up in his pick up and drove out of his way to bring me to the ferry. This young man saved my life and I would love to be able to thank him.

So I posted this on the Facebook group "Friends of Vancouver Island" where I thought this young man might just see the post. I got over 350 likes/loves/hugs so it was a popular post. A POSITIVE post people liked. People commented things like "what a heartfelt post" and "I hope you find that young man",....

So imagine my surprise when I found out the post was removed. No explanation why,... just disappeared. This has left me disheartened. That this world would rather have drug dealers and scammers on their timelines but 'report' posts like this,.... I am completely flabergasted as to why!!!!!!

Anyway,... here is the post. Maybe someone else can tell me why it was removed,...

                    *********************************

I would just like to share that I moved to Crofton last summer but it didn't work out and I found myself homeless. I am origianlly from Ontario so I was left homeless in a place I didn't even know. But what I found was kindness. People came forward and helped me. But the one story I want to share is this,... I am 62 and disabled and wa walking down the highway with my walker and my suitcase and all my belongings. I was crying and lost and trying to get to the ferry to get to Vancouver to fly home to Ontario. A young man whos name I forget stopped his pick up truck and helped me. He not only drove me out fo his way to the ferry but he also bought me breakfast. I dont know WHO this young man was but I would love to know,.... I can't remember the truck as I was so overwhlemed and in survival mode. But if YOU remember me,... please reach out as you literally SAVED MY LIFE that day. WHO is this young man who drove me to the ferry,......

On top of this many others helped me and I eventually made it back to Ontario. But the kindness and the beaty of this province made me fall in love. I have now booked a summer holiday here for July. Nicest people I will ever meet were here on Vancouver Island. To every single person who helped me - THANK YOU.

THis post was removed (???) yet scammers are allowed to post anything to scam people but a heartfelt story of kindness is removed,... ?????????

Not everyone hates me ~ just my family

 My family hates that I write this blog. But this blog has gotten me through some really tough times. When my family disowned me - my readers didn't. Infact, I have 'met' some really awesome people through this blog. When I started it 17 years ago, it was all about my mental health struggles. So it attracted people with mental illness. I don't have a lot of followers as thats not what this blog is about. But the people who have followed me have been awesome and loyal.

They have been there for me when my family weren't. My family hates this blog as I write about my life. MY life. But they think I am using it as some kind of revenge thing or something. I think they believe I write just to hurt them,.... ridiculous. I dont' even think of others when I write. It is strictly whatever enters my head that is bothering me at that time. It's not my fault it's usually my family making me feel bad. 

This blog is a tool to dump my feelings - that is all. 

Back to the nice people,... when I was homeless my readers where the ones to help - not my family. My readers were so concerned they followed my 'adventure' and didn't exhale until I was safely home in Ontario with a roof over my head. I got so many "I'm so glad your ok" messages from my readers. From my family I got "Fuck off you should have stayed in BC"

So,... with that I choose to cut my family off forever. They showed me in no uncertain terms they didn't care - they hated. So good riddence to them,... 

It was my readers who cared - and a few loyal friends - not my family.

Yesterday I got an email from a women from the States who has been in contact a few times over the years. She lost my phone number when I changed it to move to BC. But she finally found my email and got in touch. It just blows my mind that strnagers care what happens to me and go out of their way to track  me down to ensure my safety,... yet my family wishes I had just disappeared forever,...

So Family,... THAT is why I continue to write in this blog. Because even though you guys all read it and condemn every word I write? The rest of the world sees me as a HUMAN BEING! And that is why I continue to write in this blog. It reminds me that only my family and the folk in this building dont' like me. My readers remind me that not everyone thinks I'm a monster. Infact,... some people actually believe I am worth it and deserve it,...

My readers are the ones who have encouraged me to keep going. My readers are the ones who contact me with suggestions and kind words. My family just reads and hates,...

So I have to say,... THANK YOU to my readers who have reached out. There have been times I have been so low and someone has reached out to let me know I am NOT the monster my family thinks I am. And this has been what keeps me going.

And getting this email from Linda in the States yesterday telling me how worried she has been not being able to reach me,... has reminded me that people do care. And I need to hear that as my family continues to tell me otherwise. My family at this point are casuing me to spiral,.... as a person with mental illness - this is not healthy. So I have decided to cut them out completely and start a life for just ME.

If you like me - great - I appreciate that. But if you dont' - I just don't care anymore. I am moving forward not caring about the Tonyas and the Darrens,... who the fuck are they anyway? Nope,... from now on I live for ME. The haters can hate - I just don't care anymore. I am not going to lose sleep over what peopole think of me anymore.

It's funny but I can feel a shift in my whole being right now. It's like I have woken up. I can see everyone for who they really are,... and knowing that just lets me see that their opinion just doesn't matter to me anymore. So what if the people in this building hate me - I will go elsewhere for my enjoyment. I will travel,... I will do my own thing.

I am suddenly feeling so much stronger. And more confident. And more importantly - I feel like I can make a future for myself again. But I do it MY way this time. And I just laugh at the gossips and the liars and the folk who have nothing better to do than hurt others,... becasue now I see them clearly. LOSERS. 

So roll on 2026,... I have a newfound optimism and just want to start this year happy.