I'm not coping anymore

The stress is literally going to kill me

I have just spent the past hour a puddle on the floor. I have nothing left. I am not coping because I can't do it anymore because I have nothing left.

I had another bad day. I won't get into it but my heater sprung a leak in my bedroom flooding my brand new carpet with whatever it is coomes out of heaters,... It's been leaking for four days so my carpet is saturated and now ruined. Once it dries out it will be all full of mildew. The day did not progress well after that.

But I know 2 things are true if I am to survive.

I need to get the fuck out of Fergus and this building and Ontario Housing,.....

And if I don't get a doctor I will be dead before my vacation even gets here.

I can't fight anymore. My body has given up,... my soul is broken and all I do is cry now. I have nothing left.

what the fuck is wrong with this world

when you cant get to a dcotor to save your life

The only help I am getting,

 is if I pay out of my own pocket. 

and that is never going to happen

Not when all i need is a fucking ride to sevice ontario

this province thinks everyone is rich and has cars 

but we dont 

we are poor 

and cant access help

so need help with rides

I am going to die because I can't get to sevice ontario

I

am 

going 

to 

die 

becasue 

I

dont' 

have

a

ride

And this town has NO transportation

No buses

and ONE taxi that is always already in use

I am going to die

for lack of a ride

 I am so angry right now. I have googled what to do if you have no health card and need care for hypertension in the emergency room. I will be stuck with a bill that is the lowest over $1000 and can climb as high as $10,000.00.

So I tried walk in - need a health card

tried 811 - need a health card

tried other internet doctors - you have to pay and then they just tell you to go to your DOCTOR!! So, what twas the point in phoning?????? Waste of money,....

I have discovered that you cannot get health care in tis province unless you have a car.

Without a car I can't get to sevice ontario and i cant get my ohip reneewed 

WHAT THR FUVK AM I SUPPOSE TO DO TO GET HELP?????

Why is noone reading this: I AM DYING AND NEED HELP

I am dying

 

I goggled "My blood pressure is consistently around 192/113 every morning ~ am I dying"?

This was the answer:

A consistent blood pressure of 192/113 is considered "hypertensive crisis" or "severe hypertension" and is a serious medical situation that requires immediate attention. Readings of 180/120 or higher are considered a DANGER ZONE that, if left untreated, can lead to life-threatening issues, including stroke, heart attack, damage to your kidneys and heart and DEATH.

I am dying!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need help!!!!!!!!!

WHY wont anyone help me?????????

I need a fucking doctor and to renew my OHIP but I can't get help to do this,....

And knowing hundreds of people have read this and not one person has helped or even got in touch,..... proves,....

HELP IS NOT COMING ~ I am on my own

Knowing my family reads this and is ignoring it has left me just wanting to die. 

Get it  over with already. Obviously I'm  not getting medical help. I am invisable and unwanted and unloved.

I must be a fucking monster for noone to care I am actually DYING.

All I needed was help to get to Service Ontario but noone came,....

All I needed was a doctor ~ but even my local MP got annoyed at me even asking for help,.... do you really think when I reach out for help and get people being annoyed with me for asking??? Do you really think I'm ever going to ask for help again????? No,.... i'm tired of being made to look like a drama queen. I'm tired of making a fool out of myself asking for help on social media. People dont help,.... they judge you for 'ruining' their timeline with poverty and dying,.... again just an annoying person noone wants to hear about or deal with,....

This has told me all I need to know. I am a monster and noone is coming to help.

I am dying

I am dying

I am dying

But noone gives a shit

Slowly giving up

 

I woke up exhauted. No energy at all. Weak. 

I can't believe that getting health care is so hard.

I dont think I'm ever going to get there now,...

I am too sick to do it on my onw and need someone to actually bring me now. But theres noone.

I hope I die today. I can't cope with the struggle anymore,...

Feeling chilled right down to my bones

I am so cold today. I just can't seem to get warm.

Despite all my complaining about 'outside' of my apartment (the people), I actually love the inside. It's not beautiful. But it's mine and it's a place I can escape from the world outside. Right now it looks a lot like some cat cafe or shelter. Not much in the line of nice things. But I've had 'nice'. It didn't make me any happier to have nice things. It was a lesson I learned too late in life. After I returned from BC. I had nothing but the suitcases I returned with. It wasn't until then I realized that you needed very little. People buy way too much. I was a victim of this myself. Thinking you needed things to create a life. But now I know thats not true at all. It's experiences and loved ones that make a good life. And I was bone dry of experiences or loved ones at this point.

When I got back from BC I had to buy stuff as I was starting over. But my heart wasn't in it. I bought for necessity - not enjoyment. Things didn't hold any value to me. So I only bought the basic needs and then got Molly and Murphy. So my apartment is really catered to them, not me. My stuff is of the value that if my cats break it ~ oh well. I purposely didn't get anything that would upset me if it got broken. So really my tv's are the only things I worry about in here. The rest is all for the cats. When the cats are happy,... it makes me happy. 

And I realize now that my life wasn't happy before because I was missing the things I mentioned earlier. Experiences and loved ones. Well theres not a lot I can do about reconciling with my loved ones. (I'm open to it ~ they aren't) but I can change experiences. Not a lot, but enough to at least want to stick around for a few more years.

But I worry about my health now. I can't go to BC again if I'm not alive to go. I desperately need health care. And I can't even start thinking about a doctor or 911 call until I get my OHIP reinstated. Thats why I was so desperate to get to Sevice Ontario. I tried,... I had called a taxi at first. But we only have one in all of Fergus. I called it 3 times but got no answer. So at that point I knew if I was to get there I was going to have to walk. And of course as I mentioned I didn't get it, as I had forgotten one piece of 'proof of address'. I realized it as soon as I opened the door to Service Ontario. I was gutted. I quickly asked if I needed it for sure and I did. The worst part of it was I knew I needed it, I just forgot it. I thought I had done a check list when I left but I guess I forgot that. So I was more angry at myself than anything. And now I have to do it all over again when the snow and bad weather let up.

And speaking of the cold and snow,... that is why I just can't seem to get warm today. I love my apartment ~ especially the huge windows. But when the temperature dips down below a certain degree, my heat can't keep up. Probobly the big picture windows letting out the heat. (??) And this past week has been very cold. I can't seem to get this apartment warm. I have a little heater but I can't run it too long. I have a heating pad which helps a lot. As a person who grew up in Canada I know about cold weather. But as I get older it seems to effect me more. And today for some reason has been the worst day yet. I just can't seem to warm up. And when I get like this the only thing to do for relief is to have a hot bath. An epsom salt and lavendar bath to ease the pain and melt the cold I can't seem to get out of my bones today. 

I didn't even take my blood pressure today. I just don't want to know anymore if theres nothing I can do about it. :(

I dont see the point anymore

 It's minus 7 degrees outside and miserable

But I want health care

So i walked all the way 

to Service Ontario

Only to find I was short 

ONE fucking ID

So I walked home with no health care

I am FROZEN

I am in pain

and I am sitting here bawling my eyes out

Life should not be this hard

WHY is life this hard?

I dont' know what the point is anymore

No joy and nothing but hardship

I walked about 4 or 5 km and still 

did not get health care

I must have been a serial killer 

in a past life

becasue I feel like I get nothing but

PUNISHED

Do I really need health care??

I do

But I'm too tired and weak to get it

What is the fucking point now?

Hard realization to learn ~ noone fucking cares

 When you basically lose all self respect and go onto Facebook and make a post like this:

I am going to die because I can't find transportation or a doctor! Can't get health care until I get to Service Ontario to reinstate my OHIP but I cant get there as I'm too weak now and the weather wont allow me to walk. I am going to die because I am invisable to this world. My blood pressure is always high now. I AM DYING and need help but people just read these and think I am crazy. Look at her making a fool of herself on Facebook,... I asked the MP,... I asked 211 and health connect,... I asked and asked and asked and noone answered,.... I am invisable to this world.

**********************************************************************

I got 1 like and 1 comment (thank you Trish you were the only person in the entire world that even let me know you care). Instead I got dozens of the dreaded pop-up "are you ok?"

NO - NO I am not fucking OK!!!!!!

But clicking on something that takes all of 2 seconds for you, and then you walk away and forget about me altogether? Thats not caring,... thats satisfying yourself so that you can say you helped,... Assuage the guilt of KNOWING I AM IN SERIOUS TROUBLE BUT NOT WANTING TO ACTUALLY GET INVOLVED YOURSELF. I am never good enough for anyone to actuallly reach out to me in person. I am a post on Facebook to people and that is all.   So to those of you thinking you are doing something???? YOU ARE NOT!!!You didn't help at all,.... helping and caring would be to contact me to see if there was anything you could do to help. A real friend would do THAT - not click on one button and then forget about me and go on with your day. 

This post left me heart-broken. I made an absolute fool of myself and yet,.... in the end I realize noone really cares. NOONE is going to reach out,... noone wants to get involved. 

I AM NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH FOR ANYONE TO CARE TO HELP

That is the message I got from that post. I don't understand. I am desperate!!! I have tried everything,... but I just can't seem to get one person to actually lift a finger to help. 

I am not asking for money!!!!!!!! I think people think I am grifting for money. But let me tell you something. In the 26 years I have lived in poverty - NOT ONCE did I ever ask anyone for a penny. NOT ONCE. That isn't even what I need.

I need rides as the winter has been brutal and I can't get out. My cupboards are bare as I can't get grocery shopping done. I have about 10 errands that need doing but I can't get out. 

I AM NOT ASKING FOR MONEY!

Yet ***crickets***

I have a brother who lives a 5 minute drive away - but hates me.

I have a daughter that lives 2 minutes away - but hates me.

I have no friends anymore. They got mad when i made a post saying that the middle class have it so much easier that we do and they thought I was making a dig at them,... whatever,... that just told me that they didn't want me as a friend anyway. You don't end a friendship over just one post,.... so I didn't fight it. I just disappeared from their lives. 

What all this has told me is this:

I am not worth saving,...

I am not worth helping,...

I am not liked enough for people to care,...

I am a hated mentally illl monster that noone likes,...

How would you feel if you had no doctor but knew you were dying,... How would you feel if you asked for years and years and years for help but got nothing but silence. how would you feel if you were making a fool of yourself just trying to get someone to see you ~ but noone cares. They read you are dying,....

Let me write that again so we can see how bad it is,...

They read that I am dying and need help but only one friend responded. I wrote that I am dying and noone cared,....

That was soul destroying and I'm never getting over that. I was just told YOU DON'T MATTER so fend for yourself as noone is going to ever help you.

I screamed for help and got silence

How do you think that makes a person feel. I'll bet if YOU told someone you were dying EVERYONE would help you. Your family,... your frineds,.... everyone,....

When I say I'm dying noone cares,... (I dont even think they believe me) 

I can't get past that. It left  me feeling horrible.

I am not worth saving to this world. Noone would care if I died today,... noone would even bat an eye,...

Infact when I do have a heart attack and die,... from what I just learned ~ I think people will just be relieved

Thank God the mentally ill monster is gone,....

YAY!!!!!!!! 

The perosn noone liked is GONE

And I died knowing I was hated and not worth saving,...

There is no worst feeling in the world knowing you are alone and unwanted and invisable,.....

I am going to die because I was invisable to this world and can't get a doctor or help!!!

 

I had planned to get up early today and walk to Service Ontario and get my health card sorted out. I had phoned them yesterday to see why it was invalid and it was because of BC. I figured that but it was a little confusing as I had used this health card once in Emergency after I came back so why wasn't it noticed then? Doesn't really matter anyway,... just as long as i get it sorted out. I have to go in person and show all of  my ID. 

But of course in my life nothing is easy. We dont' have buses here in Fergus and we only have ONE taxi. And this taxi is usually busy with school runs and other scheduled fares. Your lucky if you don't have to wait an hour for one. So I just walk everywhere. And that is exactly what I had planned for today. 

But that isn't going to happen. I woke up around 3 with a headache. Not good. Thats a sympton. I got up and took my blood pressure and it was over 200 ~ very scary. So I just sat there as quiet as I could until it went down enough I wasn't worried. It's now down but still high. I desperately need to get help but I can't do anything until my health card is re-instated. And thats not going to be today,... looking out my window there is a storm raging and it's -14*. I am not going anywhere today.

So i literally sit here crossing my fingers hoping I don't die today of a heart attack or stroke.

My head doensn't feel well. There is pressure,... things are getting worse.

HOW am I going to get to Service Ontario to get my health card re-instated??? This storm is forecasted for the entire week. I may not be able to walk there for weeks,.... or even a month. 

My life could be saved if only I had transportation,.... but noone offers me a ride ~ ever. That tells me I'm not worth saving.

This is why my life is so difficult. What others don't even think about, I can't do. No car,... no transportation and the weather refuseing to co-operate. I am trapped inside my apartment. And each hour that goes by,... I get worse. I am weak now. I don't even know if I have the energy to get to Service Ontario,... it may be too late for me now.

I say it again,... "The middle class have it so much easier than we do 'down here'" I cna't even get out to get health care,....

I am very, very worried I will die before I can get out,.....

This is life completely alone with no family or help. Frustrating and heart=breaking,... knowing you are dying but noone cares and your left to fend for yourself. And I've reached a point where I can no longer look after myself. I can't get out to do groceries anymore,... I can't get out at all as my body is shutting down and i feel weak now.

I am on borrowed time ~ but no help is coming.

So again, I leave out my basket of end of life care as I really dont think I am going to live much longer. And with no family someone has to know what to do with me. So I have left out my instructions.

When i die noone will know. I will have to be found. Alone. I knew I would die alone but now that I fear it is close I am feeling scared. With every heart palpatation and shortness of breath ! I panic. Is this the end? 

All I wanted was a doctor,....

But I am a mentally ill monster to this world noone wants to see or deal with,...

So I sit here waiting to die.

If i stop writing maybe someone should call 911 for a wellness check as I really do feel in my heart and soul and bones that I am dying and it's not far off.

If I had a doctor and health care ~ I COULD BE SAVED!!!

But i dont and noone seems to care,....

So i guess I won't see my vacation afterall

Unless I get medication and care I will dead in weeks or months.

So sad I mean nothing to this world and I will die alone knowing nobody cared,...

I feel like the most unwanted - unloved - monster that ever lived.

 All I wanted was help

In case they find me dead

I have woken up not feeling well. Subtle symptoms but symptoms all the same. Low dull headache,... no energy at all. My blood pressure is extremely high this morning.

But I feel too weak to go to Service Canada today to renew my health card. So without healthcare coverage I refuse to call for help. I am not going to get stuck with a bill for thousands,... it isn't worth it to me. It's just easier to die of a heart attack.

And in light of this view,... 

I feel like I am dying

So I have left a basket on top of my stove. It contains all my end of life care. There is noone to call so just call the crematorium. All the paperwork is there.

I dont' know what else to do,.....

If I can't get help,... then I should at least leave my end of life care instructions out for the cops to find.

I have left instructions for the cats as well.

I am dying and not one person on this planet gives a fuck

And I'm too weak to care anymore,.... just let me die now

Canadians Are Not Living Anymore.. They Are Now Just Holding On

This video made me so sad. I was born in Toronto (in 1963) and this Province is my home. I was so PROUD to be a Canadian. When I travelled I made sure I had a Canadian flag on me somewhere. I was PROUD TO BE CANADIAN!

But the Canada I was born into is NOT the Canada I live in today,...

I used to be so proud,... up until about 5 years ago 

And after seeing this video, I don't think I am the only Canadian wondering as this women in the video did,... "What the fuck is going on with our Country?"

I think if your middle or upper class you dont' see it as much. But living 'down here in poverty' I see everything and I feel the resources that were put in place in the sixties, seventies and eighties for us have disappeared and I am living in poverty becasue the money is all gone.

The money in Canada is all gone and I am paying for it,.... thousands are paying for it,...

Where did all the money go Canada???? And why does it seem like we are being left to struggle while the rich get richer?

This video made me cry,... because this is MY Toronto. The Toronto I was born in.

Just feel like the world doesn't care and I am going to die alone

 

I am dying ~ I am in the second stage of hypertension and I will be dead soon. I am not going on my vacation as I won't be alive. My blood pressure is so high now it is never low. I WILL have a stroke or a heart attack before I am able to enjoy my vacation on June 30th.

All my life I have been alone. I have had to deal with life and it's problems alone. But now I am tired and  I can't do it anymore. I was hoping to get a holiday in but I know from these readings that I won't be alive when the time comes.

I do not have the energy to walk to Ontario Service. I don't have the eneergy becasue I am dying and can't walk there.

I am tired,... and now I just want to be left alone to die

When someone finds me,... I will have my end of life papers out with all my wishes. 

Until then,... I guess I just suffer,...

FUCK YOU ONTARIO

FUCK YOU CANADA

FUCK YOU DOUG FORD

Because in the end I was just an invisable burden noone wanted to deal with.

So best I have this heart attack and just die

Then everyone will be happy they no longer have to deal witht the annoying woman who only wanted health care,...

I only wanted health care,....

But instead I was an invisable mentally ill monster noone wanted to know,... and died alone,... wondering why noone would help,....

Zero health coverage or care ~ just want to die now

I am sitting here feeling so disheartened. I just can't help feeling like the world is working against me. Everything I do ~ turns out to be a problem. Just once,.... just once I would like to do something and it just worked! No issue,... no problem,... just worked.

Obviously Ontario cancelled my OHIP (Ontario Health Insurance Plan). I guess when I went to BC they just went ahead and cancelled my Ontario card. But I have been to the ER once since then and noone said my OHIP wasn't valid then. But now it is.

So  now I have to get to an Ontario Service office. But again,... unlike the comfortable middle class who just hop in their vehicles and drive to one,... I can't do that. Again, I have to wait until all the stars align. The weather good,... my pain level manageable,... and I have money that day. (at the end of the month I am ususally broke and cant' buy anything) The weather has turned again making it very cold and the snow has started falling once more. I won't be able to get there for a while,... In the meantime if I have a stroke and I end up in long-term rehab with no medical coverage???? It will cost thousands and thousands of dollars. Maybe even millions,....

So Canada ~ stop bragging about your FREE health care as if you can't access it? What good is free,... and if you leave the province they automatically cancel it and you dont' even know. Leaving you uncovered for months and months. So right now I have zero health care coverage and no doctor or health care at all. Yet our Ontario Premier Doug Ford answered back to me in an automated reply that he takes care of all Ontarions,... BULLSHIT!!

I just literally risked my life leaving an ER as I knew I couldn't afford the bill I was going to get if I stayed. THAT is not looking after anyone. Doug Ford,... you have no idea how we struggle. And more tot the point he has proven he doesn't even care.

All I want is to make it to July so I can finally go on a vacation after 25 years of hardship and poverty. 

If I can just stay alive until then I don't give a shit what happens to me afterwards. But please,... body,.... please just hold out to let me go on my holiday,... But taking my blood pressure this morning has made me realize I probobly won't live that long. I am obviously in the second stage of hypertension and the third stage is DEATH.

What does it say about a province where a 62 yr old disabled person can't even get health care?

I hope I live long enough for my vacation,... but if I don't,.... at least I will have finally found peace from this struggle. I am so tired of this struggle,... I really do wish I could just close my eyes and it will all be over. No more problems,... no more issues,... no more worrying about heart attacks and strokes,.... just peace.

Sometimes I really do wonder why I was even born.

I give up ~ I just need to die

 That was the last straw,... I had to call 911 to come and take me to the hospital. I didn't want to as I had 2 deliveries today (that I missed and are now missing) and I just really don't want to have to pay $45 every time I need health care. But my blood pressure was so high I started feeling the symptoms. 

I am dying of heart disease ~ I had no choice so I called.

I thought I will just call this once and get medication so I can at least be healthy enough to go on my vaction in July. I get to the ER. Everyone is nice,... I get put in a room,... a blood pressure monitor and pulse attached and then LEFT,...

after an hour a woman come in and says my OHIP isn't valid. So she shoves this paper in my face and tells me to sign so if OHIP doesn't cover the visit I WILL BE STUCK WITH THE BILL. (***I just looked it up and what I signed was saying I would pay that bill!!! That is not what they told me,... liars,... if I had stayed I would have had to pay for that whole ER visit and all the tests. THANK GOD I LEFT)

So I left,...

I am so fucking fed up of problems trying to get healh care help. 

I walked out and walked home and I never plan on going back.

Infact,... they told me I am leaving when I shouldn't (easy for them to say they don't have to pay for that visit) but I didn't care. At this point DEATH is more attractive to me than all this bullshit trying to get health care.

At this point I am too tired and too frustreated and mad and just want to have a heart attack and DIE 

Today has been a day

Well today has been a day. The weather was awesome, so I layered up and I walked all the way to the other side of town. I had many errands that had been piling up that I haven't been able to do as I haven't been able to get out because of the snow. But I knew the temperature was going to get as high as 8 this afternoon so I didn't want to waste this opportunity. It was hard going as I didn't bring my walker (which is my shopping bag on wheels) as I would never have gotten it through all the slush. But it was sunny which was a nice treat after being couped up in my apartment for months. Never under-estimate getting outside on a bright sunny day.

First I went to the post office to pick up a passport application. The guy there suggested I get my optometrist to sign for me. Brilliant idea! I could have hugged him. Next the bank (starting to withdraw cash for my holiday slowly) Then the library to print out my itinerery for my flights and hotel. The old fashioned me needs a paper copy to bring to the airport (what if theres no wi-fi and I can't bring it up on my phone to check in and board?) I just like to have a paper copy. Then on to the jewellers here in town to get my necklaces looked at. For the money I spent I needed to know if they were authentic or not. They are. Then Shoppers Drug Mart,...

I was standing at the intersection infront of Shoppers Drug Mart when I realized that the car infront of me that was waiting for the light was on fire! At first I wasn't sure and didn't want to shout out. But then I heard honking from other cars and others shouting. I starting pointing at her car and yelling "your cars on fire" but the poor little old lady driving was oblivious. The light changed to green and there was nothing more I could do as she drove off. But apparently the driver behind her managed to pull her over and they put the fire out. For a small town,... a lot happens,..

After the drug store I was off to Giant Tiger,... 

Now, by the time I finished at Giant Tiger, I was completely on the other side of town. Probobly 5 km from home(??). For the second time in 2 days I felt tired. Physically tired. I don't usually feel that. And the walk home ended up to be a struggle. I ended up going into Subway and buying a sub just so I could sit down and rest before going the rest of the way home. This is not me,... I am pretty sure it's my heart,... and with this trip I have planned now, I want to be alive and healthy enough to go and enjoy it in July. But the past few days have me worried. I was actually worried enough to contemplate 911 again. But no,... I hate the $45 bill just to be told to go to my doctor when I can,... they can write me a prescription but they can't give me consistent care to see my heart disease is progressing. So I called the walk-in but they don't have any available appointments (do they ever when I call if I can even get through?). So,... what to do,... what to do,... what to do,...

and as i write this I still don't know what to do,... but now I'm getting concerned I will have a stroke.

I guess 911 is my doctor

This afternoon when I got back home, I tookmy blood pressure. It was high. So I googled what to do if my blood pressure is 170/110 what should I do?

This was the answer it gave:

A blood pressure of 170/110 is very high (Stage 2 Hypertension) and needs prompt medical attention; you should call your doctor or seek urgent care, especially if you have symptoms like severe headache, chest pain, shortness of breath, or vision changes, as this could be a hypertensive emergency requiring immediate treatment. If you feel fine, still call your doctor for an urgent appointment or go to the ER, as your provider might need to adjust medication quickly. 

I should CALL MY DOCTOR,... but wait,... I don't have a doctor!!

I have done the walk-in,...

I have done 911 (far too many times),...

What am I expected to do? 

I guess 911 is my new family doctor because thats all I have.

But the problem is,... next time I call it could be too late

I may have already stroked out,...

I am dying and I NEED a doctor! What good is free health care if you can't access it????

So,... does anyone want to take bets on when I die because I dont have a doctor?????

My blood pressure is too high lately and I am worried. I have a trip planned and I can't have a heart attack or a stroke before I go or worse ~ while I'm there. My average BP is 160/110 which is NOT GOOD. But it also gets as high as 212/110 which is fatal,... I desperately need a doctor. DESPERATELY,...

I am normally a go-getter. I hate to just sit and do nothing but watch tv. So I putter around all day cleaning and re-cleaning and doing stuff I dont' even need to do just to keep busy. Yesterday the weather changed for the better. So I took advantage and walked to Walmart to get a few things. But even though I am fairly fit for my age,... I got tired easily. Infact overall I have symptoms that are pointing to heart disease and the onset of a heart attack or stroke. And they are getting worse.

When your body feels the symptoms,... it's probobly too late,... you already have heart disease,....

All because I can't find a fucking doctor,....

My grandfather died of a heart attack at 50 years old!

My cousin had a heart attack,....

My family is rife with heart disease ~ I need a fucking doctor and I need to be on BP medication. I take my BP every morning and it is consistently getting higher and higher with each passing month.

I AM DYING and I need a doctor!!!!!

I need 5 surgeries and I have heart disease,.... 

Yup, Canada has free health care ~ IF you can access it!!! If you don't have a doctor??? Your going to suffer,.... and I am suffering.

If I die before this vacation I will be pissed,....

All becasue I can't find a doctor!!!!

Way to go Canada!!!!! your letting people DIE!

Giving my granddaughter her legacy

It came! It took a bunch of emails and two weeks, but my stolen necklace has been replaced. It looks beautiful. I will take it to get appraised the next time I am in town, but from what I can see - and my opinion is by no means professional - it looks real. For now I am just so relieved that it has been replaced. I just don't have enough money to throw that much away.

It is an infinity heart necklace. It symbolizes eternal, endless and unbreakable love. Blending the heart (love) with the infinity symbol (no beginning or end) to represent a bond that is forever.

I will leave this necklace with the baby book I had bought her when she was born. I am hoping that she will see that she had another grandmother too,... one her mother wouldn't allow her to see. I am hoping this tells my granddaughter that she was not only loved,... but thought of every single day. And I hope it makes her feel even a tiny connection to me. She will never know who I really was,.... as she only has her mothers version. But I hope this gesture will allow her to open her heart and love me for being her grandmother and not for what she has heard from everyone else. 

I want her to know her Irish roots. I want her to know her family history. So I will leave a 'letter' telling her all about her female ancestors that came before her. The same women I have put on my own headstone. Bringing us all back together. I hope she will someday visit my grave and see the women whos blood is running threw her veins. Strong women who led hard lives. Survivors,....

 

• Anna Louisa Calgey           1856 ~ 1899 
• Elizabeth Ann Ball             1879 ~ 1920
• Ida Maye Dyer                   1916 ~ 1994
• Diane Holyoak                   1945 ~ 2013
• Jacqueline Rose Holyoak   1963 ~ ?

Things like this really disheartens me

 I joined a group on Facebook called Friends of Vancouver Island. I posted a post that got a lot of attention. Over 350 likes. Comments such as "what a heartfelt story",... yet,... curiously the post was removed. And this is what I dont' understand about Facebook and people.

I see post after post of scams and illegal drug selling and overall general smut on my timeline every single day. The hard drug sellers I reported over and over again only to be reprimanded with "I am reporting too much and my facebook profile was paused as i was 'punished' for reporting drug dealers selling cocain and fentanyl on facebook. So I guess they sided with the drug dealers and punished me for reporting them too much.

Anyway,... going back to my 'adventure' in BC. I have always thought of that young man that picked me up in his pick up and drove out of his way to bring me to the ferry. This young man saved my life and I would love to be able to thank him.

So I posted this on the Facebook group "Friends of Vancouver Island" where I thought this young man might just see the post. I got over 350 likes/loves/hugs so it was a popular post. A POSITIVE post people liked. People commented things like "what a heartfelt post" and "I hope you find that young man",....

So imagine my surprise when I found out the post was removed. No explanation why,... just disappeared. This has left me disheartened. That this world would rather have drug dealers and scammers on their timelines but 'report' posts like this,.... I am completely flabergasted as to why!!!!!!

Anyway,... here is the post. Maybe someone else can tell me why it was removed,...

                    *********************************

I would just like to share that I moved to Crofton last summer but it didn't work out and I found myself homeless. I am origianlly from Ontario so I was left homeless in a place I didn't even know. But what I found was kindness. People came forward and helped me. But the one story I want to share is this,... I am 62 and disabled and wa walking down the highway with my walker and my suitcase and all my belongings. I was crying and lost and trying to get to the ferry to get to Vancouver to fly home to Ontario. A young man whos name I forget stopped his pick up truck and helped me. He not only drove me out fo his way to the ferry but he also bought me breakfast. I dont know WHO this young man was but I would love to know,.... I can't remember the truck as I was so overwhlemed and in survival mode. But if YOU remember me,... please reach out as you literally SAVED MY LIFE that day. WHO is this young man who drove me to the ferry,......

On top of this many others helped me and I eventually made it back to Ontario. But the kindness and the beaty of this province made me fall in love. I have now booked a summer holiday here for July. Nicest people I will ever meet were here on Vancouver Island. To every single person who helped me - THANK YOU.

THis post was removed (???) yet scammers are allowed to post anything to scam people but a heartfelt story of kindness is removed,... ?????????

Not everyone hates me ~ just my family

 My family hates that I write this blog. But this blog has gotten me through some really tough times. When my family disowned me - my readers didn't. Infact, I have 'met' some really awesome people through this blog. When I started it 17 years ago, it was all about my mental health struggles. So it attracted people with mental illness. I don't have a lot of followers as thats not what this blog is about. But the people who have followed me have been awesome and loyal.

They have been there for me when my family weren't. My family hates this blog as I write about my life. MY life. But they think I am using it as some kind of revenge thing or something. I think they believe I write just to hurt them,.... ridiculous. I dont' even think of others when I write. It is strictly whatever enters my head that is bothering me at that time. It's not my fault it's usually my family making me feel bad. 

This blog is a tool to dump my feelings - that is all. 

Back to the nice people,... when I was homeless my readers where the ones to help - not my family. My readers were so concerned they followed my 'adventure' and didn't exhale until I was safely home in Ontario with a roof over my head. I got so many "I'm so glad your ok" messages from my readers. From my family I got "Fuck off you should have stayed in BC"

So,... with that I choose to cut my family off forever. They showed me in no uncertain terms they didn't care - they hated. So good riddence to them,... 

It was my readers who cared - and a few loyal friends - not my family.

Yesterday I got an email from a women from the States who has been in contact a few times over the years. She lost my phone number when I changed it to move to BC. But she finally found my email and got in touch. It just blows my mind that strnagers care what happens to me and go out of their way to track  me down to ensure my safety,... yet my family wishes I had just disappeared forever,...

So Family,... THAT is why I continue to write in this blog. Because even though you guys all read it and condemn every word I write? The rest of the world sees me as a HUMAN BEING! And that is why I continue to write in this blog. It reminds me that only my family and the folk in this building dont' like me. My readers remind me that not everyone thinks I'm a monster. Infact,... some people actually believe I am worth it and deserve it,...

My readers are the ones who have encouraged me to keep going. My readers are the ones who contact me with suggestions and kind words. My family just reads and hates,...

So I have to say,... THANK YOU to my readers who have reached out. There have been times I have been so low and someone has reached out to let me know I am NOT the monster my family thinks I am. And this has been what keeps me going.

And getting this email from Linda in the States yesterday telling me how worried she has been not being able to reach me,... has reminded me that people do care. And I need to hear that as my family continues to tell me otherwise. My family at this point are casuing me to spiral,.... as a person with mental illness - this is not healthy. So I have decided to cut them out completely and start a life for just ME.

If you like me - great - I appreciate that. But if you dont' - I just don't care anymore. I am moving forward not caring about the Tonyas and the Darrens,... who the fuck are they anyway? Nope,... from now on I live for ME. The haters can hate - I just don't care anymore. I am not going to lose sleep over what peopole think of me anymore.

It's funny but I can feel a shift in my whole being right now. It's like I have woken up. I can see everyone for who they really are,... and knowing that just lets me see that their opinion just doesn't matter to me anymore. So what if the people in this building hate me - I will go elsewhere for my enjoyment. I will travel,... I will do my own thing.

I am suddenly feeling so much stronger. And more confident. And more importantly - I feel like I can make a future for myself again. But I do it MY way this time. And I just laugh at the gossips and the liars and the folk who have nothing better to do than hurt others,... becasue now I see them clearly. LOSERS. 

So roll on 2026,... I have a newfound optimism and just want to start this year happy. 

Brand new year means brand new plans

When you stand in a doorway to your new apartment and all you have to your name is two suitcases and a purse and that is all you own,... it changes you. When I tried moving to BC, I sold everything. At that point in time all my wordly possessions could be put into 2 suticases and 4 small boxes. So when I stood at the door of my apartment looking in to an empty room I knew I was starting all over again. At 62 years old.

But over time I replaced the necessities. Material things don't mean much to me anyway. I now have the basic needs and that seems to be all I need right now.

But looking back at that day when I had lost everything and knew I was literally starting over from nothing,... it changed me. I had now been homeless - twice - and it's a scary thing to be. I found it happened fast and both times I remember standing there thinking what the hell just happened,... and finding myself without a home.

But over the past months I am slowly recovering. Not being materialistic helped. I really don't care about 'things'. But even now, I will go to grab something and then remember "Oh I don't have that anymore,...' It used to bother me but now I just shrug,... oh well,... thats life. 

I don't need 'things' anyway. As long as I have a roof over my head, heat and water I am ok. I lived in this apt with nothing for weeks. You learn to live with what you have and I found life wasn't any better with all my 'stuff'. Infact stuff is just that,... stuff,... not important. 

It has taken me months to lick my wounds though. I felt so defeated when I returned to Ontario. But I have had months to reflect and now it is a brand new year. So I have decided to put this 'misfortune' behind me and move on. Draw a line under it - learn from it - and move on.

On New Years Eve I sat alone. It didn't bother me as it isn't a holiday I celebrate anyway as I dont' drink and I don't like parties,... so sitting at home with my kittens was ok. But I did a lot of thinkking and taking stock of my life. I knew I couldn't go on the way I had been. I hate living here and it drains me of my energy. But after trying desperately to move, I realized I never will. So on that night I did a  lot of reflection. 

I had two choices. The first one being the plan I already had,... suicide. 

The second choice is to get away from this compound more so you can deal with the low life scum that thinks hurting people is a sport. Being here 24/7 unable to escape is frustrating. I end up being a recluse to avoid everyone. NOT A LIFE I WANT,...

So I decided,...

FUCK Tonya Halls,... FUCK Darren Green and Mark,.... if they want to hate me - they are welcome to. I no longer play on the playground. My ears are deaf to any gossip and lies that fly around. I now have a doorbell camera on my door and a cam that overlooks my whole entire apartment (except the bathroom) so if that woman is going to try and lie again by saying I am smoking in my unit??? I AM READY. I hand over the SD card to housing and they can go through the whole entire thing and the only thing they will see me do is EAT EDIBLES!!!! Absolutely NO SMOKING! and when they see this,... I will tell them to stop accusing me and if they do I will hire a lawyer and fight ethem. As I have had to live with a live active cam in my home - just to protect myself from Tonya Halls.

SO GO FOR IT TONYA!!!! I am 100% protected now. I am always in a cameras view now. I can finally prove a 'negative' I DIDN"T DO IT. I almost hope she DOES tattle just so I can throw it in her face and make her look a fool. At least housing would have 100% proof now that she is a liar!!!!

So try it Tonya - I am ready! Be prepared to have egg on your face!

And with this new protection comes new confidence. I no longer foing to hide from anyone. If they attack me - it's on video. If they lie - it's on video I didn't do it,.... if they do anything I am 100% protected now. 

It's all on video now. 

So my new years resolution is to get out of this compound a lot more. I can't do much in the winter,... but come spring I plan on getting out every single day now. 

I can put up with 51 weeks of low life scum trying to get you evicted,... but just knowing that there will be one week where I can escape to a place where noone from housing even knows where I am??? THAT I can live with,...

I don't have a lot of money. But I am Queen of budgeting so I can make this money last a very long time if I am smart about it. Already I choose a holiday that is half the cost of my original plan (The rocky mountaineer for $6000 just for the ticket!!!) I decided cheap and cheerful is better than luxury. I am a simple tom-boy,... I wouldn't know what to do with luxury anyway.

So I start off the year with plans,... Ontario Housing and the tattlers have run my life for far too long. This year - I take my life back! If my family don't want me??? Their loss,...

If the people here only hate? I walk past them with a smile and a hello,...

I refuse to live a prisoner any longer. This year I live life on my terms.

So roll on 2026! I am ready for you!

Everything is booked and paid for,...

I have been busy today. Booking, booking and more booking,... and now it's official. I am going back to BC. Last summer, despite that annoying little irritation of becoming homeless, I fell in love with Vancouver Island. I had been there a few times before. But last summer, I was really able to take in it's majestic beauty. The geography so very different from what I was used to. 

It had everything I loved. A culture very different from here in Ontario. The people in BC seemed much more layed back. The folk that I met seemed nicer,.. and life there was a bit more casual. I had dubed it the hippy place. Right down to the guy on the beach playing guitar and singing. I have always said I am just an old hippie myself.

I have said many times before how I love the water so much. It's definitely my element. When I am around it I seem to come alive. So the ocean seemed to call to me. I spent most of my time there by the rugged shores.

I don't know how much of ancestry is in our genes. But having done my family tree, I learned that most of my ancestors were from the coast of the UK. Most lived and worked on the water. So maybe it's not just a personal preference with me but instead, it's a deeply engrained trait. 

I also find it funny that both of my (birth) Ontario-born parents fled to BC and later passed away there. They too didn't like Ontario - and maybe for the same reason as me. My Mom has the same coastal ancestors I do,... so maybe she fled to BC as she, too, fell in love with the "vibe". I don't know what else to call it. But she came here quite young and never went back home. If I hadn't had that 'misfortune' last summer then I would have followed in her footsteps and left Ontario for good too,...

I have had a lot of time to reflect since my 'misfortune'. And I think you just have to learn from your mistakes and move on. I wasn't able to move there as I had hoped. But now, I have the opportunity to go there for a holiday. I'm just going to take that as a win. I always said if I had a life to live, I would live it,... but the past few years I haven't been able to have that life. Maybe now,... even if for just one week every year,... I can go back. My Nana always told me that a change is as good as a rest. That one week of heaven will sustain me for the reamining 51 weeks of the year. I can survive if I know that I can do this one week of oceans and salty air,... birds bigger than most pets I've ever had,... the grandness of the mountains,... it just feels like a place where I belong. But if I can only have it for a week a year? I'll take it.

And so it's all booked. The flights,... the hotel,... the car service to the airport,... all ready for me to enjoy this summer. Finally I have something to look forward to. I know it's only 4 days old but maybe 2026 will be a better year,...

Finally ~ Good News!

I was sitting here trying to decide what to do for my summer vacation. Not having a car made it quite difficult. In the end I was leaning towards a train trip through the rockies. You wouldn't need a car as you were on the train. But that trip - although it looked awesome - was very expensive. ($6000,00!!!) I mean clean out my bank account expensive. So I held off on the booking for a few days to think.

I had already called my cousin to let her know I was planning to come back for a week's holiday. She seemed like she was busy working and didn't really have the time off. I then called my other cousin and he was all for it. HE has a car,... I have the money,... and together we planned a one week vacation.

I booked a hotel in Duncan BC. It's kind of central to a lot of the places I would like to visit. He (I don't want to use his name on here) will pick me up from Nanaimo airport and bring me to Duncan when I arrive in BC. We then plan on doing day trips for the week. We want to drive to Ecluelet and Tofino as we would both love to see that and maybe even try surfing. Ok maybe HE will try surfing and I will just watch. I want to do hiking on the Pacific trail. I just want to enjoy all the nature that Vancouver Island is so famous for. The raw beauty of the Island is breathtaking. 

I still have to book my flights which I will hopefully do today. Then it's all booked and paid for. I am hoping to treat my cousin as much as I can as he took the time to come and look for me when I was homeless. he didn't have to do that - especially when that family seems to be so mad at me. These cousins are my adopted Dads family so I am not dna related to them. Just related by adoption. This cousins father is my adopted dads brother. And since here in Ontario my adopted family is so mad at me, I am grateful that this cousin has not 'listened' to the Ontario family. He was concerned for me as a person and helped. I will always be grateful to him and my other cousin. It put both of them in a situation where their family could have turned on them but they choose to help me out anyway. And for this,... I will forever be grateful. It's why I want to go on vacation with them so I can treat them to pay them back, I'm hoping to pay for all the gas and food for him as we enjoy our week. I have the money so why not? Both of these cousins deserve so much. I just want to pay them back a bit for their help.

So now, I have something to look forwward to. It's not until the end of June. I fly out to BC on June 30th and I am staying until July 6th. So I'll be spending Canada Day out there. Fireworks over the water somewhere???

I still have 6 months to wait for it. But that just gives me time to sort an itinerary out. I am so bored everyday that this will give me something to do. And just knowing that I am going on vacation in June has really turned my mood around. I am starting to feel happier again. I'm hoping it continues and maybe,... just maybe,... 2026 won't be a horrible year like 2025 was,...

I am optimistic. That is something I have not felt in a very long time.

So roll on June,... I am going back to BC.

Making a list to get things done

Three days into the new year and I feel better about things. I have made some plans. Today I will make a list of everything that needs to get done and then start working on achieving each one.

Get my drivers licence renewed which means I need to go to Guelph and take the written and drivers test over. I will need to book an appointment and then find a way to get to Guelph. Once I have my drivers licence, I can rent a car for vacations. I can rent a car to take me to a cottage up  in Muskoka. I am a very independent person and I don't like having to rely on other people for transportaion. So if I am to have any kind of future at all ~ I need to get my drivers licence renewed.

Once I have a drivers licence my world will open up. I can get the hell away from this place once in awhile.

I look forward to Saturday morning as I know there will be a new episode of Gogglebox UK. I don't know why I love this show so much but I do. I have watched this show for years and maybe I just feel like I know the people really well. Like I'm spending the hour with friends. Whatever the reason,... with the holidays over, my show has returned. So i sit here with my coffee watching Gogglebox while the kittens run wild with the zoomies.

I know this isn't the forum for kitten stories. This blog is strictly for dumping my feelings and anxieties for the day. But this made me giggle. I was having a bath and Molly was sitting on the side of the tub just hanging out with me. The curtain was pulled across so we couldn't see out. Suddenly Murphy took a run up and body checked Molly right through the curtain hurling her into the water in the tub leaving me laughing out loud. Just one of the antics these two get up to. I have no regrets getting these kittens. They give me a reason to get up in the morning. Tv is only what I do because it's all I have to do,... so getting these cats has given me something else to focus on and I am enjoying every single minute of them. They are so adorable I feel like I could open a new blog and write just about them,... (how boring for the rest of the world but these two kittens ARE my world). I have always had a problem getting along with people,... but never animals. Animals are my thing and I prefer them over people any day. 

For some reason the bathroom is their favourite place to play

Making plans for 2026

I have put 2025 behind me. It was a terrible year. And I never want to go through anything like that ever again. Instead I have drawn a line under it and I am starting fresh. 

2026 ~ I start the year knowing my family is gone. I have pinned over that for months now. But they are not coming back. So I have 2 options. I can sit here and cry or I can tell myself that is THEIR choice,... I can't change their minds so I have to learn to live with it. And my way of living with it is to pretend I don't even have children.

So this year,... this brand new year,... I have made some big plans. If i can't move and get out of Ontario Housing,... then I will plan on getting away from it as much as I can. And I will do this with travel.

I had originally wanted to go East. Newfoundland to be exact. But the more I looked into it, the more I wondered if i am physically capable of this trip. Apparently it is very hilly and not walker friendly at all. I haven't ruled this trip out,... but it has made me look furthur into other options.

The runner up is a train trip in the rockies. The Mountaineer has a trip that goes from Vancouver to Banff or Jasper (depending on the train you choose) With me having no car, I think a train vacation might be my best bet. As long as I can get to the train station, everything after that is taken care of. So for the past 2 days I have been on the internet trying to decide on a 'dream' vacation this spring.

East or West coast - I haven't decided yet. My physical health isn't as good as it used to be and having been homeless in BC I know how difficult it is physically to travel. Carrying suitcases and purses and me without the use of my hands. It is going ot be a real challenge. But it's that or sitting in my living room watching tv - BORED out of my mind. 

I cannot spend one more summer couped up in this compound they call Ontario Housing. I desperately need to get away from here. 

I love nature. I love being around water and forests,... so what better holiday than to hop on a train and see Canada from a moving window? It will be very, very expensive. But who cares? I have been poor and struggling for 25 years now. NO VACATION in 25 years. I deserve to get away on a luxury trip. I am looking at $10,000.00 to cover everything from plane fair to the train trip to meals and taxi's. But why not???? What else am i going to do with this money? I may as well spend it,... enjoy it,... do all the bucket list things I have been wanting to do for years. TRAVEL.

I really want to go to the UK. To England and Ireland and visit the palaces my family originated from. But with no passport that isn't available to me. So I am forced to stay in Canada. But lucky for me, Canada is one of the most beautiful and geographically diverse places in the world. It's size alone gives me many options of where to go. I am spoiled for choice here.

I admit I wish I had a companion to travel with. But who? So I travel alone. Maybe I will try and arrange a few days in Vancouver to visit with my two cousins Brian and Shelia. Treat them to a night out for all they had done for me. Who knows,... it's all in the planning stages right now. I need to talk to people about what trips will be "no car" friendly. I have to go where there are taxi's and buses, etc,... 

I wish I had someone to come with me. How perfectr would it have been to have hayley with me. My little traveller,... the girl who travels all around the world - a lot of the time - alone. I wish I could ask her,... but we all know the answer will be no. I would have even helped her pay for it. It would have been so perfect,... but sadly that will never happen. So I stand tall and move forward alone.

Travelling alone is not ideal, but it's not immpossible either.

2026 is going to be a year of getting out of this place. This toxic place of hatred,... gossip,... lies,... and generally just a horrible atmosphere I hide away from. Inside my unit,.... but no more. I can handle being a recluse for most of the year if I know I have a trip to look forward to to get me away from here.

Any suggestions???? I am open to any advice,... I am still a bit wary of getting scammed so I am being very careful about my planning. I hope to stick to a train tour group insterad of an itinerary I planned myself. Staying within a goup sounds a bit safer to me than going it alone. Once I am familiar again with travelling,... I would like to go to Vancouver Island and just motel hop and hike the Pacific Coast Trail. But that will be much furthur down the road after a lot of heavy planning.

But the key word for 2026 is "planning". I no longer wish to be a recluse in this place. Instead I plan on getting out and seeing Canada.

After 2026 when the money runs out,... ??? who knows what will happen. But for this year,... I plan to enjoy!!!!!