There is no reason why. There doesn't have to be with fibromyalgia. But I have woken up seized up in pain. My left neck/shoulder/arm have become frozen in pain. So I am finding it difficult to move. Because of this I have declared it a pajama day. Not much different than most days really except that pajama days I don't get out of bed. It's just too painful. Usually I turn the tv on and just doze on and off all day. They are not good days for me mentally. But when your in pain,... you don't like moving your body. Pajama days are inevitable.
My life is very small now. I have one friend left ~ Becky. But I don't even see her. She is younger than me and lives a very busy life. So I only ever see her in person about twice a year. All my other friends and family have left. Theres no one left but Becky,...
So my days are lonely. They are spent in isolation. The only times I physically leave my apartment is when I take my garbage out to the garbage room once a day. To go down to the lobby and get my mail once a day (Monday to Friday) And to go to the laundry room once every two weeks to do laundry. IF the weather is good and IF I am not in too much pain, I will go out to the gazebo for 20 minutes or so. About twice a month I get out to the shops to get supplies. I bet if you were to add up the hours I spend outside my apartment it would be about 6 hours a MONTH! I literally live in isolation from the world.
The only time I speak to another human being is when i run into them in this building. So it's not for conversations,... it's only to say hello in passing. I feel sad and humiliated to admit that the absolute only thing I converse with is my cat. Maggie. I don't have conversations with humans anymore. I do a lot of chatting to Maggie but that is the only time I even speak now. And I am suffering for it.
Human beings are designed to be social. But I am sequestered away from the rest of the world. I cna't remember the last time I physically touched another person. Probobly when Becky hugged me a few months back after dropping groceries off to me. But that was a long time ago. I miss human contact so much that I now recoil from it when offered. I am so used to being my own island that it feels odd to have another soul around. But I do crave it.
My heart literally aches some days for missing my girls. I mean my chest actually feels heavy and uncomfortable. I have lost too much over the past five years since I have been on ODSP (Ontario Disability). I ask you to really imagine,... losing everything,....
Your spouse,... your children,... your home,... your car,... your income,... your friends,... but the worst one of all,... your family. I never got over losing my children. I am still grieving the loss of my past life. And on top of this I am resentful that I have landed down here alone ~ unwanted ~ unliked. I have literally lost everything I had,... and this has left me suicidal.
If you were to ask what it would take to get me to change my mind I would say without any hesitation,... my family. If Michelle and Hayle and my little grand-daughter showed up at my door I would be ecstatic. I don't give a shit about money. I don't care I live in poverty. Even the pain I suffer each day would be tolerable if I had a life attached to it. But I don't. EVERYTHING was taken. And I was left in poverty,... in pain,... alone.
Lonliness is used in torture. And I can see why. It's miserable. It's painful. It's difficult to endure. But if no one wants me in their life,... then theres not a lot I can do about being alone.
But after five years of it,... the struggle has become too much. My life has been stripped of every single thing I valued and now I have been told to just deal with it,... But because I couldn't deal and my attitude became dark. Angry,... lonely,... resentful,... then NO ONE wants to be around you. Not even you. now I just hate myself. This difficult lifestyle has depleted me of any spirit I used to have.
I just want my family. Michelle,... Hayley,... and my grand-daughter,.... I just want to be wanted and loved. But that was never to be. And that broke my heart. It broke my spirit and stole my soul leaving me an empty bitter shell.
Now if I can only get my heart to stop beating the pain can finally end.
So I spend my days wishing,... hoping,... praying I will find a way to end this pitiful life.
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