I completely gave up yesterday. I had a meltdown where I was a heap on the floor sobbing my little heart out. It left me exhausted. Empty,... hollow,... and I knew in that moment that I had nothing left and I was done. After years of this struggle I have hit my wall and I can't go on anymore. I am EMPTY.

I have deleted all subscribers to this blog assuring myself that I am writing in complete secrecy. Now, I can speak my truth.

All I think about now is killing myself. I have a scalpel and I have it sitting on the table beside me now. I took it out of it's secret spot yestserday and I now have it within arms reach. All I think about now is taking that scalpel and slicing my throat.

I am not normally a violent person. Infact, I have never hit anyone in my life. I am never violent to others. I am harmful to myself. I am a self-harmer. When there is drama,... I don't go after the person involved,... I go after myself. If I am in crisis,... I self-harm. When I am angry in a situation I self-harm,....I hate myself so I need to hurt myself.

I am not a threat to anyone but myself. Thats why I am so frustrated with my situation with Darren and Tonya here in my building. After doing nothing but HELPING them for the first few years I was living here,... until I realized I was being used and stopped giving. They took revenge and shit on me. In a BIG way to the point where I can't live here anymore. The two of them - who hate each other - got together to team up and lie together about me. To this day I still don't even know what they were telling people. I stopped listening and ran inside my unit and didn't come out. To this day I still isolate myself away inside my unit. So I don't know the lies that they circulated but I felt them. The dirty looks from everyone,... Ann,.... the old lady down the hall once actually sucked herself up into a corner in fear when I tried to say hello to her. She then phoned her husband to come and get her and bring her back to their unit safely. ?????? What the hell did they tell people?????? 

You can't fight that type of revenge. I have been shit on and can't get back to any place of peace. I am going to come right out and say it no matter how unpopular it will make me sound. Darren Green is an evil individual who needs psycological help. His depth of revenge was cruel. And Tonya needs to grow up and learn to have a life of her own and stop dragging innocent folk into her drama. She has a mouth the size of her obese body. And she never shuts it. She literally just sits outside and gossips about everyone and eveything. And when I stopped lending things to her that never came back she got upset and started a hate campaigne against me that has left me isolated and alone in my apartment not wanting to come out anymore. My life in this building is ruined because of Darren Green traumatizing his cat and me trying to save it. THATS when it all started. I should never have called the police and he never would have gotten furious. Because of this one situation,... my life here in this building has been irreparably ruined. AND HE STILL HAS HIS CAT!!! So I didn't even save his cat in the end. It infuriates me that people like this in life get away with the shit they do and the good people they take revenge on suffer. It's not fair. And what I learned from this is that I will never help anyone ever again. I was used and taken adavantage of by both Tonya Halls (who borrowed and took on a weekly basis!!!) and Darren Green who destroyed my reputation. HE BEATS HIS CAT and comes out the hero while my reputaion was crucified,.... that seems to be the morals of our society now. And thats to say the good get shit on and the shitty people get what they want,.... all I can hope is that someday Darren Green will get what he deserves. It won't be by me as I don't agree with an eye for an eye,... that just starts wars. But hopefully someday someone will give that evil boy what he deserves. I have never seen anyone be so low as to do the things that boy did,... he should be ashamed of himself. But he's not at all. Infact he is PROUD of destroying me. He likes that he WON. And I went home and self-harmed as I always do. He liked that he has driven me inside my aprtment and I dont' come out,... He once told me that his mother said to him "You will never live a normal life because of his anger and raging all the time". I didn't think it was a nice thing for a mother to say to her son. I thought it kind of cruel. But now I understand what she meant. Darren Green is so cruel and 'ragey' that he hurts people and they leave. He has lived here for over 5 years and I never met anyone from his family as they don't talk to him. I thought THAT was kind of sad but now I know why. He probobly treated his family badly too and now they don't have him in their lives. I know he said his sister is horrible and he hates her. Now I believe he is lying and she is probobly a nice person that HE shit on and now he hates. There is a pattern here. Darren has bad endings with people and burns the bridge to that relationship so badly people hate him. And thats just what he did with me. All the help I gave him,.. all the meals I gave him,... all the Christmas gifts and birthday gifts because noone eles ever even acknowledged his birthdays. I was like his mother and actually cared for him. And then in one day he turned evil and destroyed me without blinking an eye. First his family,... then Dylan,... then Lee,.... then that whole family that sounds like they did nothing but HELP him. He is a boy who bites the hand that feeds him and that is why his mother is right. He will never live a normal life. And that is the only revenge I am going to have. That his life is miserable and he spends his day raging and angry. That can't be a nice life. He is a very dark individual. And until he leaves this building or I do,... life will be unbearable. So I have to leave. And because I haven't got the money to move anywhere else the answer will have to be suicide.

I can't live in this building one more day. But if i can't move then i guess I die.

And today I sit here with my scalpel only two feet away on the table. And I keep looking at it. Trying to build up the courage to take that scalpel and run the blade hard across my throat. Severing my artery to bleed out. And finally find the peace I have so desperately been looking for,.... how sad that the only option I had was SUICIDE