I deserve to die

I think I have realized WHY this thing with Darren is bothering me so much. Usually if people argue or have a fight, all ties are broken and you just stop hanging out. No one actually gets hurt,... the relationship just ends. But with Darren, he wouldn't let it just end,... He had to make sure I was on the bottom on my knees before he could let go,... and it worked. He definitely won - although I don't know if "won" is the right word as I don't think of this as a game. Maybe thats why I lost. If I had known the rules, maybe I would have stood a chance. But instead I believed Darren would be fair and just walk away after our 'disagreement'. But Darrern didn't walk away. He took our ending as the start of a hate campaigne against me. He took every person we hung out with in the Gazebo and made sure they didn't like me anymore,... real playground immature shit.  Top of the list was Judy. I had been frineds with Judy well before Darren ever came on the scene. Judy is a parapalegic. She only has the use of one hand. She is in a wheelchair and is  100% reliant on her caregivers. She is smart,... and funny,... and we both smoke weed for our pain which is how we origianly met. I really like her and enjoyed being outside with her. We would all sit outside in the gazebo with her. There was about 7 or 8 of us. But after the big fight,.... while I was hurt and retreated into my apartment to lick my wounds, Darren on the other hand choose to take the time I wasn't around to poisone me to everyone in the gazebo. I don't know what he told them but ever since no one talks to me and they all get up and actually leave when they see me coming. It is still happening and has been for nearly a year now! It's not easing up.

But I'm going to dig deeper here as I just have to have this written somewhere as I feel I got a raw deal over this whole Darren fiasco. Judy cannot look after herself physically. So I worry about her.

One day Darren was in my unit with just the two of us and he started to rage out of control. To the point that he scared me. He literally lost control of himself all because his phone didn't do what he wanted it to do. So he lost it. For over 20 minutes he screamed at the top of his loungs ~ raging ~ while I sat there terrified. IN MY OWN HOME! I was scared because he had lost all control and couldn't control his behaviour anymore and I was terrified he would come after me. So I sat perfectly still,... trying to be invisable,... until his rage stopped. I don't think that Darren understands just how scary his rages are. He may know he won't hurt anyone else while he is in these rages,... but WE DON'T! It's intimidating to be in your own home and yet have a lunatic going crazy all because his phone didn't work. Imagine if I was the reason he had gotten mad? He would have come after me. I know that for a fact as his eyes go black and he is not Darren anymore. He has turned into a raging lunatic who is just screaming and throwing things. It's awful to be in the middle of. Very intimidating when your an older woman who isn't all that fit anymore,... But I am a capable adult. I can still more or less defend myself. When he left my apartment after that rage,... I emailed him that that will never happen again in my apartment. If he loses control again, he is to get up and leave my unit so I don't have to deal with it. But,... it happened again a few months later. So this time,... I was concerned for Judy. Darren hung out in HER apartment as well. I was now concerned about him raging and losing control in HER unit with no one else around to protect her. I was concerned for HER safety. So I took one of her care givers aside to tell them what happened and that I am concerned it might happen to her when she is alone with him in the future. If I was scared,... imagine how she would feel?

Well,... I am sorry I was ever concerned. Because now "I am a gossip" She obviously told Darren and the rest of the bong boys what I told her caregiver. To be careful around Darren when shes alone with him. My concern for her was turned into gossip. I was very hurt by that. I was friends with Judy long before Darren ever came on the scene. Yet because I hid away after my fight with Darren instead of being out there to stand up for myself,... Darren took this time to take advantage and destroyed my reputation. I don't care about Darren. He has shown himself to be the nasty human being he is. I want nothing to do with him ever again. But Judy? I lost a good friend in Judy and I really resent Darren for that. As well as being angry at Judy for just believing him. I was her friend! She should have known I would never do the things Darren has been saying,... I trusted our friendship to be stronger than that. But to this day,... Darren,... Judy and Mark all get up and leave when I walk out towards the gazebo. And everyone sees. It's humiliating. So I just hide away now instead. And eventually when you hide away and isolate Darren has the floor everyday to talk,... I made a big mistake hiding away. I just thought it would blow over if I just ignored it all. But Darren made sure it didn't. HE and him alone took advantage of my absense out in the gazebo and he enjoyed every minute of making me look like a fool. So i am so angry at Darren as he threw a grenade into my happy existence. My chill-time here is gone. I can't go outside anymore because of all the hate he created. He really is a nasty individual. I'm sorry I ever met him. He has ruined living here for me. I hate him.

And now the three of them are as thick as thieves. And I am again alone. I don't like this building. I don't like the people that live here. They are bored and small minded and use gossip and nastiness as entertainment to pass the time. I have no respect for that. So now I just keep myself to myself. Sequester myself away inside my apartment all day long. I dont talk to anyone. It's the only way to stay protected form these gossips. You have to be out of sight to be protected from their hate. And thats where I am today. Hiding away in my apartment because I don't have the tools to deal with people like this. Instead they push all my buttons. They know how to hurt me and they do,... it is sport to them. And they enjoy every minute of it.  

So I can't stay here. It is punishment to be treated as a leper in your own building. All because Darren can't control his rage. I PAID FOR IT. 

So I continue to save my money  so my burial will be covered.  (I'm now up to $2,400)  Then NO ONE can say they got STUCK with my burial costs. I take care of myself. I pay my own bills. I wouldn't want my children to have to complain that they got stuck paying for me when they didn't have the money. So rest assured loved ones,... and I say loved ones tongue in cheek,.... my death will not cost you a dime. Infact my death will assure you of my leaving your lives for good. My death can only be a good thing for everyone.

No one likes me,... no one wants me in their life,... so why hang around being punished like a leper for the rest of my life. Thats inhumane on top of poverty and physical pain.

Nope,... my life is well and truly over. My mental health destroyed me.

I deserve to die. 

So let me do you all a favour and slit my throat and die! Peace for me,... peace for you all,...

the mentally ill monster is dead ~ gone and buried,...

Ring the church bells ~ she is DEAD!!!!!!