Death

Uh-oh,... I happened to see my stats out of the corner of my eye when I opened this and saw that someone has found this blog and has been reading it. I didn't want that. And I worry it was Darren or Tonya. I immediately re-set the setting back to private only to authour. I can't change that it was read,... but it is now closed back up tightly so hopefully noone else can get in to read it. Or maybe I should be glad they read what I REALLY think of them and that I know they are both LIARS and GOSSIPS and spiteful cold-hearted cunts. Both of them have made it their business to make my life hard. DELIBERATELY because they can. Maybe I'm glad they read what I really think of them. 

Anyway,... it has now been shut up tight. I can again write freely exactly how I feel.

I am stuck. I cannot move forward. My apartment is half gone. I threw a lot away over the past few months knowing I wasn't going to be sticking around. I gave some away,... and now my apartment looks bare and depressing. There is nothing on the walls. There are no knick knacks or decorations. There is none of my personality left in this home. After my drama last fall with Darren and him turning everyone against me I crumbled. That was the last straw for me. So I knew I would be leaving this building. It was just how and when. So while I waited I cleaned it out. Got rid of most of my stuff. If my daughters can't stand to be with me in life,... then I'm certainly not leaving them anything in death. If they wanted me,... they knew where I lived. But my doorbell never rang. So FUCK THEM they are not getting anything. i would rather throw our valuable cherished memories in the dumpster than allow them to have them.

But after I did this I realized I am stuck here. I looked for a new place but there isn't one on my budget. So I am now stuck here. In a bare,... beige,... empty apartment. None of my comforts surround me anymore. Nothing in this place even hints at who lives here anymore. It's all gone. Just furniture. If I choose to change my mind and live - I would be starting all over from scratch as I have nothing. I am too old and too tired for that.

So that leaves one option. TO DIE. And THAT is the one and only thing on my mind anymore. Finding a way to die. And make no mistake,... I am NOT BLUFFING. I am so angry and resentful and exhausted living this shitty crappy poverty life that I am miserable. And knowing no one cared enough to help me out of this situation was only more heartbreaking. This year I learned a very valuable lesson. In the end,... people may sympathize,... but in the end,... YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN. And if your too weak ~ which I am now ~ to continue on then you will suffer. And that is exactly what I am doing now. SUFFERING. And knowing what I am coping with and still no one comes just breaks my heart completely. Because this is blatantly saying,... "Your not good enough for me to change my life to help you,..." My daughters would never change thier life to help me. (I'm talking help me move and get outr of this building - maybe into a place with them,...) But my girls don't even like me.

When you walk around knowing you are not only not improtant to anyone,... but worse,... your not even liked,.... it's a hard pill to swallow. And it broke me. And now,... I have no desire what-so-ever of wanting to live another minute. 

All I think about,... is death and dying and how I can achieve that,....

All I want is relief and peace from this struggle. And the only exit from that is DEATH