On my last fucking nerve

 I literally cannot take this anymore,....

I am sick. My last BP was 191/161 so it is dangerously high. But I needed to get up and do a few things like eat and shower. It took so much energy but I did those two things. The last thing I needed to do was take out my garbage to the garbage room down the hall. It would only take 5 minutes. It's about all I could manage I was so sick.

I walked down to the garbage room and as you will see on the video I was slow as I was not feeling well. I was only out of my unit five minutes all day and yet,... Tonyas son Nick came out of their unit as I was almost back down at my door and walked around and then stopped at his door staring at me. I said NOTHING. I totally ignored him. But I was standing their waiting for my automatic door opener to open and this can take about 30 seconds. This kid started mouthing off about well,... I don't even know,... I heard the word "cereal box" and that was it. I just belined into my unit and then lost it. As you can hear on the video that was the last straw to me. THAT is harrassment!!!! I purposely hide in my unit to avoid this shit. And still,.... 5 minutes I was out of my unit today ~ 5 minutes and still she (her son) harrassed me. What the fuck? This is out and out bullying. She saw me on her doorbell camera going by and her son purposely came out to mouth off to me about - a cereal box???? Seriously? Do you sit there and wait for me to walk by? STALKING!

So you see,... I cannot stay here. I refuse to live here and be harrassed by that little girl and her useless son. I cannot seem to load this damn video but eventually I will figure it out and atleast upload it to all the other videos I have on file of her harrassing me everytime I leave my unit. Every single time she has something to say.

I can't take it anymore,...

I can't take it anymore,...

I can't take it anymore,....

But theres nowhere for me to go but 6 feet under,...

FUCK YOU TONYA HALLS AND YOUR USELESS PIECE OF SHIT OF A SON.

I have had enough and I can't take anymore.

I can't take this anymore,..........

 I don’t feel well today. I was up a few times during the night just not feeling right. Headache,… pressure in my head,…slight upset stomach,… so I ended up watching tv for most of the night. I took my blood pressure earlier and it was 196/121 which is concerning. I threw my medication away a few months ago so I am not surprized really. I knew I should have called for help but I didn’t. Instead I took a couple of Tylenol and went back to bed. In truth,… I was hoping I would have a fatal heart attack and just die in my sleep. I may be getting help finally but not the kind that is going to change anything of real importance. Like,… I still don’t want to live here anymore and feel like if I am forced to I would rather just pass away and die. Tonya Halls has made my life that much of a misery living here I no longer wish to be here. But if I can’t move,… I dont want to bother going on,….

Why didn’t I call an ambulance? First of all,… I owe them money and they keep sending bills to hound me for it so I told myself NEVER AGAIN. If I need an ambulance ~ I will just die. I have multiple ambulance bills of $45 each already sitting in a pile on my desk with all the other big bills I can’t pay. So forget an ambulance ever again,…. Also I don’t think you can stop your medication and then expect help when you tank,… I stopped taking my blood pressure meds for a reason. I don’t want to continue on this painful struggle I face everyday now. I just don’t feel it’s worht the pain.

So I cancelled my appointment I had booked this afternoon and I am just sitting here not feeling well. And sadly,… I am hoping my blood pressure stays high and I eventually pass away.

5:00pm up-date:  

I have been in bed all day. Not because I want to be, but because my blood pressure is still dangerously high and it has left me with no energy at all. I still have a headache. I still feel pressure in my head. I am just too sick to move. My pressure has been sitting in the 190’s over 160’s all day. Usually if I go to bed and sleep I will wake up and it will have dropped some. But I just woke up an hour ago and it is still the same. I do not feel well.

But the saddest part of all of this is my reaction. Most people who would read such a high BP would immediately call 911. But my life is such a struggle that the first thought I had was sadly,.. “Hopefully today is the day I get to die”

How miserable must your life be to WISH for death when you BP skyrockets,… ???

I refuse to suffer living in this building on the scraps that ODSP throw us leaving us in complete poverty,…. add severe un-relenting pain on top of that and all I can do is hope that today is the day I die,….

Please God,… let today be the day my BP finally kills me.

 I have had a reprieve from the woman who used to live next door to me. She is the brain injury patient that was harassing me non-stop and making me literally ill with her intrusive behaviour. It got so bad that she was calling the police on me once a week telling them I was a spy and other nonsense. You and I and the police all knew it was nonsense,... but when a police call comes in they have to go out to it. So I was being harassed on a weekly basis until I finally lost it and put a sign on my door saying I won't answer if its the police with a complaint from Z***. I nearly got evicted for that sign on my door And guess why? Tonya Halls the gossip complained to housing that my sign was "upsetting" her. What!?? It had zero to do with her but she intigrated herself into the situation almost goetting me evicted. Housing wouldn't help me with Z***,... but they didn't mind trying to evict me because Tonya Halls was "upset" over the sign on my door. (Again,... what did it have to do with her???) This place boggles my mind. They cater to the gossips and troublemakers while ignoring the ones who need genuine help.

Anyway,... in the new year the police showed up and took Z*** away. I don't know where,... and I don't know why,... I just know she is gone and it has been heaven without her here. She had been knocking on my door in the middle of the night,... she was videotaping me the minute I walked out of my unit accusing me of being a spy,... calling the police on me,... it didn't stop. It was so bad at the end I was getting sick with the frustration of housing not helping me with her. They helped Tonya Halls because she was "upset" over a sign on my door,... but they ignored me and wouldn't even call me back over complaints over my next door neighbour Z***. I don't understand housings priorities. In the end,... it was TRAVERSE - not housing - who helped to get rid of her. But unfortunately,... her stuff is still in her unit so she is probobly coming back at some point. :(

Anyway,... I was talking about that as I wanted to say there is a new brain injury patient in the building now. He seemed nice. I said hello to him everyday. I noticed others giving him a wide berth as he does look different but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. Unless you do something to me persoanally I have no qualms with you. I have sat in the gazebo with him a few times now. You know he isn't right but that doens't make him a bad person. So I treated him like I do everybody. But the last three times I had to sit in the gazebo with him he made me nervous. There are about 10 places to sit in our gazebo. Lots of room. But when I went in and sat down, he got up from the other side and came over and stood two inches from me. And just stood there. Not saying anything,... just in my persoanal space ~ standing. So I got up and moved over to another chair on the other side and he followed doing the same thing. I nervously giggled and said "is this a new game?" and he stared at me and then walked away. CREEPY! I didn't even bother telling housing as I know from experience they wont' even get back to me. But that was the third incident for me with him. He has also said some questionable (inappropriate) things to me as well. And all 3 times it was after dark. Now I am too afraid to go out to the gazebo at all. To even go out after dark now,... I don't feel safe here.

I cannot stay in this building anymore. The gossips have driven me inside my unit not wanting to come out for fear of the "little girl brigade' accusing me of something,... and having the police show up at my door yet again,... I can't sit outside anymore because of the people. The folks that live here are people living on the fringes of society. The mentally ill,... addicts,... alcoholics,... (yes,... I do know I am classified as one of these). The one thing that I have noticed about the people living here is they are very INTRUSIVE. They don't leave you alone,... I can't even hide in my unit without them still causing problems. I keep to myself,... yet they still manage to drag me onto the playground. Theres no escape. I am a private person. I don't do the coffee afernoons and the common room get-togethers because I found they are nothing but gossip fests. They all sit around and talk about others. Not my thing,... so I just avoid everyone and keep to myself. But you can't here. They seek you out and drag you into their garbage.

I will not stay here anymore. I have said it a hundred times before but it is 100% true. If I have to stay here,... I will end my life,.... end of. There is no question or doubt about this. My mind is made up. No one should have to put up with the shit you do in this building. If housing helped you it would be ok,... but its very much a "your on your own" attitude when it comes to other tenants. You can't fight LIES and gossips. You can't fight brain injury patients,... they are unpredictable and sometimes dangerous and I resent that I am forced to go out to tthe gazebo to smoke and feel unsafe. They dont allow you to smoke inside your unit,... but your not protected outside.

I DO NOT FEEL SAFE IN THIS BUILDING ANYMORE.

Please someone help me,... I need to get out of this building. But on $1308 a month? I may as well start digging my grave now,... death is just around the corner.

I REFUSE TO LIVE HERE HIDING AWAY INSIDE MY UNIT BECAUSE I DONT FEEL SAFE.

I just want to die now

Today has not been good. I actually had a good day yesterday. The first one in a very long time. Yesterday I had an MRI appointment in Guelph. But my appointment was at 1:30am ~ yes, that is in the middle of the night. I guess they do MRI’s over a 24 hour period to help the back log. My cousin John was nice enough to bring me. And believe me I am appreciative and grateful that he did that for me as without him I had no one else and I would have had to cancel. But thankfully,… I FINALLY got my MRI so we can find out what is wrong as I still can’t feel my hands or arms. It was actually a little weird going out. I am so used to being sequestered away here in my apartment 24/7 that I had almost forgotten what it was life to leave this compound. To have another human being to talk to,.. it felt good. So good that the next day I woke up feeling almost motivated. The trip away from these four walls gave me a bit of a lift. I took advantage of the break in “severe despondancy” to get a few things done. I sent away proof of insurance to housing,… I GOT MY TAXES DONE! THAT was the one thing that was making me panic but yesterday I finally got them done and sent in. A huge monkey off my back. I emailed my lawyer to let him know where I stood. It was such a good day that even by the time I went to bed after midnight I was still feeling ok.

But this morning I woke up and realized everything was back to normal. I was in a great deal of pain. I was still having trouble doing simple things (brushing my teeth, holding a phone, screwing off a cap top,… everything I do HURTS!) I still can’t get across the street to do grocery shopping. It has been a very clear realization that NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE FOR ME. I am NOT going to be able to move out of this building. And THAT is what has left me despondant. If I have to stay living here ~ I can’t go on. I can’t form any semblence of a life when everyone in the building dislikes me. (Thank you Tonya Halls the liar!) so I can’t even go outside and enjoy the weather or have small chats with people,… THAT is all RUINED because Tonya Halls and Darren Green did such a hate campainne that I feel like I have to hide away in my unit and can’t come out. I DON’T FEEL SAFE LIVVING HERE. And if i don’t feel safe,… then why bother. It’s not living,… it’s HIDING,….

I still don’t have help to get things done and THAT is the one and ONLY thing I have ever asked for. But my lawyer can’t provide it (???) and society can’t provide it. My family won’t provide it and the one person who wants to (my cousin J***) lives an hour away and has a very busy life of his own. He doesn’t have time for me the way I NEED someone to have time for me. I don’t want to be the one people visit every 2 or 3 months for a catch up. I want to be IN A FAMILY,…. LIVING in a home with a family,…. having a family there everyday. If I can’t have this,…. then I don’t feel like life has any worth anymore. To me life is family and lovied ones. If I don’t have that,… then life has no meaning for me. Money does nothing if there is no family.

My lawyer is mad at me. I am not the regualr client he thought he was getting. I am mentally ill and live in poverty so I can’t do the things he wants and needs me to do for my case. He doesn’t want to understand as at this point I am just a pain in his side. He wants me to do all the forms and shit he does with every client. But I am so depressed and suicidal I can’t do what he needs me to do. And this is annoying him. Which only leaves me feeling more guilty.

I can’t help my mental health. I can’t help I live in pain and poverty which leaves me suicidal. I can’t change this as much as I would like to. I emotionally,… physically and mentally have nothing left. But no one is hearing me when I tell them this.

So I feel like I just need to forget my case. They just keep wanting me to do physio (because thats where the money is I heard) but I can’t. It hurts too much. Not as I am doing them,… but the days following. I honestly don’t have faith in them understanding how difficult and inconsistant fibromyalgia is. I KNOW it gets worse over time. If you get kicked out of remission,… It can take YEARS to get back to where I was. I don’t have the energy or even the motivation to do this. I just don’t care anymore. I would rather just take an overdose and die. What is the point of going through all the pain to get better if there is no life for me at the end?? There is no point. I think for all concerned I would rather just take an overdose and end it all.

I can’t deal with life anymore. I’m sorry. I tried but I have nothing left to give anymore,….`

 

 I have woken up feeling very heavy this morning. There wasn’t a lot of sleep last night. I couldn’t shut my brain off. My heart is broken that I am completely alone. And the pull to end my life is so strong today. I woke up sad and empty and numb. The feeling of being totally hated ~ is still sitting heavy on my heart. I just want to die. My heart i broken and I can’t stand the pain.

There is no lonlier feeling in the world than having no one and then knowing everyone around you hates you. It’s a feeling i cannot describe because it goes very deep in my soul. It fills my whole body leaving me hating myself. HATING myself.

All I want to do today is DIE.

No one will even notice let alone care. And the people in this building can cheer,….

The sadness in my heart is unbearable,…. I have never experienced anything so painful before in my life. This feeling has to end. But the only way to end it is to die.

It is all so clear now,… die and it all goes away,…. RELIEF!

So today,…. THAT is all I am thinking about and planning,… how to end this pain because it’s now become unbearable,….

I JUST NEED TO DIE!!!!!!

I JUST NEED TO DIE!!!!!

I JUST NEED TO DIE!!!!!

I can't escape the playground bullies and I've had enough

It has happened again,... and this time I have decided I am not going to go out anymore. When I sequester myself away and hide from the world it's because I can't deal. I know my friend P** is confused why I hibernate away and stop communicating. Well yesterday is why,... Tonya using me for her entertainment. I left my unit for 15 minutes and I encountered her dram. There was no way for me to escape it. Tonight I went out and they played their games again. All getting up and leaving the gazebo when I come in. Again letting me know I am the shit on the bottom of their shoes,...

THIS is why I pull away and hide. Because people deliberately HURT YOU. Because I can't stand the games. I just want to go outside and be left alone. Because when I have trusted people ~ they have turned on me ~ and now I don't trust anyone. I keep myself to myself. But that seems to be impossible living in this building. They drag you into their circus. Honestly,... I come out of my unit once a day to get mail and take my garbage to the garbage room. Rarely,... but on the odd occasion if the weather is really nice, I will go out to the gazebo for 20 minutes. THAT is the extent of my outside life.  20 minutes a day outside of my apartment unit. NOW, I can't even go out for that,... I hate the gossips here. I hate the way Tonya gets away with lying ~ EVERY SINGLE TIME!! I hate LIARS! And I hate that I can't prove that she is a liar. The injustice of that eats away inside of me. It literally eats away at my insides that she lies and everyone believes,.... infuriating! I feel like she waits for me to come out of my unit so she can find a way to instigate. The only solution for this sadly is for me to literally hide away,.... it's just not fair. 

I'm 60,... I'm tired,... I do NOT have the energy for these games. So I have made the decision NEVER to leave my unit unless i am leaving the compound altogether. In other words,... I am only leaving my unit if I absolutely HAVE TO! Because quite frankly I am embarrassed that I am even talking about this. It's so petty. But the truth is it does wear you down. And now,... it's hurtful. I don't want to see everyone get up and leave just becasue I am there. Thats hurtful,.... and I won't lie it did hurt. I won't let it happen again. And in order for it never to happen,... i have to stay inside my unit now. Like a leper,...

I hate this place. I hate my life,... I have never felt more hated and alone than I do today.

Life is nothing but a torment now. And every fibre of my being longs for the relief of death. Never have I been so resolved for my death than I am today. I don't even want ot to bother going to my MRI appointment now. I just feel I would rather just die and end it all than go through all that medical crap just to get better. It seems like it's going to be a long and difficult journey back to where i was before the accident. And frankly,... I just don't think it's worth bothering to even get better now. I really just want a fatal dose of fentenyl now,.... that truly all I want now,....

I am a leper in my own home. 

***for any kind soul willing to help please contact me jrholyoak@hotmail.com as I am absolutely desperate now ***

Game day

I have four games to watch today. I like when I wake up and I finally have something to do. Usually when I first open my eyes my heart sinks because I know I have to face yet another day of hours and hours of emptiness. Six days of the week I feel this frustration of another day of nothingness,… but on the seventh day,… God created FOOTBALL. And as I write this, I have one game already done and three more to go. I honestly don’t know what I would do without this game in my life. It’s the only thing I have left that I can afford and I am hanging on to it with dear life. So Roll on Man U,…

I’m feeling quite nostalgic lately. When your present life is so miserable and you don’t have anything to look forward to in your future, you tend to look back into your past a lot. And with all the empty hours I have to fill, I do find my mind drifting back to the past quite often now. And with this comes regret. If I could just go back in time,…. how many of us have wished this? To go back in time and do it all over again. *** sigh *** But of course,… we can’t. We can’t go back in time and correct our mistakes. We just have to own up to them and move on.

But I spend a lot of time remembering the past. Especially the early years. I was born in 1963 so I grew up in the ’60’s and ’70’s. Times were so different then. In my memory they were kinder,… gentler times. I know for sure they were quieter. Not so much in volumn but in my head. My head seemed clearer. There didn’t seem to be the clutter of our modern times. (devices, internet, etc,…) Life was only as far as our finger tips. Now,… with the internet you can go anywhere you want around the world in an instant. To the modern generations this is a great thing. To me,… it is not. I enjoyed a life much smaller. It was a life where people hung out and talked to each other around kitchen tables or firepits,… it allowed us the freedom of spare time to socialize one on one. In my opinion people had deeper and more meaningful relationships. To me the internet and all of our devices are a distraction from what I think life is really about. Quiet. Being with the ones you love. Doing things together,… I found people actually made eye contact and interacted with one another. I find today folk have one eye on the person they are with and one eye on their phone,… I can’t help but feel like the art of conversation is disappearing.

I could write a hundred stories about what I did as a kid growing up in this earlier era,… my life was rich and full of everything a family could enjoy. But aside from a television we didn’t even get until the 80’s,… there wasn’t a device in sight. We learned to get to know each other. We ate dinner around the table and talked about our day. I felt so safe and loved in this cocoon my family had created for me. To this day,… I still feel like the 1970’s were the best years of my life. So innocent,… yet so rich.

The modern world is too busy for me. It feels like constant sensory overload. Too loud,… too bright,… too busy,… and with my mental health issues being what they are,… I struggle to get by in this world. It has become too overwhelming for me. So I retreated. I locked my front door to the outside world. And I hide away in my prison of these 4 walls. Day after day I hide. I shut down,… I no longer interact. This modern world just isn’t for me. And that is why today I am left feeling so depressed and empty and numb. Because I don’t fit into this world that I have been dumped in,… my heart knows it,… my spirit knows it,… and my soul knows it,… I am displaced. I should not be here ~ but I am. I am a girl of nature,… a country girl living in the city. The noise,… everything about it drains me. I instead crave the quiet solace of nature. Every fibre of my being wants to escape. But I am trapped,.. in a world I don’t fit into and don’t know how to navigate anymore.

So instead I use my old trick,… my writing escape. If I can’t physically be somewhere in real life,… then I imagine it. I take myself to another world where I feel safe and loved and wanted. And I write about it. Because that’s all I have left anymore. My imagination,….

Friday of a long weekend here in Canada. The weather is wet. Again the clouds hang dark and grey with bouts of rainfall throughout the day. Not a good day for walking so I will have to stay home. I am alone. I hate long weekends because I know my family gets together ~ and I am not invited. They will all get to see that precious little girl I so long for. It hurts. I can't lie. My chest aches today for my family,...

But when I turned on my tv today a new documentary had come out on Prime video. 99. THIS was the documentary I had heard about and now it has finally been released. For the first time in a long time I felt something other than depression and despair,... excitement. If you know me at all you know I have a deep love for football (thats soccer to you North Americans). And right now, that is about all I have left in my life so I am holding on to it for dear life. I make sure I budget so I can afford to get the streaming sites that have the football rights to the leagues I want. It's actaully not cheap and I do give up in other areas so I can afford to get them. But I dont mind as throughout my past 25 years no matter how chaotic life got,... I could always count on the weekend to be game day. No matter how bad things got,... I knew that come Saturday Manchester United and/or Toronto FC would have a game. It was my anchor when things got crazy. 

Way back in 1999 there was no such thing as streaming. Infact the internet itself was just coming out. So I couldn't watch games on tv. Instead I found myself sitting in local British Pubs watching the games. I think SKY or ITV had the rights to broadcast at that time so Pubs would air them through satellite. I would order myself a brunch and watch the game. Football isn't that popular over here and there were times I had to argue with groups of big burly men wanting to change the channel to another sport,... but for the most part I got to watch my Manchester United. And in 1999 they had the best season of their existence. The excitement of the team winning the treble was overwhelming. It was when i solidified my passion for not only the game but Manchester United as well. 

But sadly I never did find anyone who shared my love for this game. Canada is a hockey country. But sitting in arenas watching my ex play did nothing for me at all. It wasn't until I accidently caught a game on tv way back in the day that I got hooked. And I have not only never looked back,... but I have only deepened my love and obsession for the game over the years. And now,... it's the only thing I have left in my life. And I treasure it. Saturday is the day I long for. I turn on the tv and hear the music that tells me the game is about to start. Nothing compares to a good football game.

And so today I put aside my miserable life and instead I escape into the world of football. To the memory I will never forget. The Manchester United Treble. So I have my coffee and I sit in my chair. Although I can't see her, I can hear Maggie snoring from behind the couch.I push play on the remote. And I immerse myself in a world I am comfortable in. Football.

Here in Canada we are coming up to a long weekend. Victoria Day. This will be about my 20th long weekend I will spend alone. (I have long since lost count of just how many,...) There will be no invite to any cottage,... there will be no invite to any barbecue. There will be no invites from anyone to go anywhere. I will be alone again.

The past two weeks have been the hardest few weeks of my life. My need to die is overwhelming,... but my way to get fentenyl is so difficult and needs so much time and planning to finally get. But after the past two weeks I know that if I don't get fentenyl, I will end up getting angry at something and just picking up a knife or a scalpel and just start slashing. Because I have come to my end and I cannot take it anymore. 

I want to die peacefully with a fentenyl overdose. Or MAiDs,... but apparently I am not even good enough for that. I don't want to die painfully and horrifically but I know me,... I WILL get to a point where I just see red and I will do whatever it takes in that moment to end my life. THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT or hope for at all,... but it is what will end up happening. I am living on my last nerve right now and it's only going to take one more thing before I blow.

All I want is one fatal dose of fentenyl,... THAT is all I want now.

But I fear by the time I can finally get the money to go out and get some,... I will have had another "last straw" and in that moment of blind rage I will end up doing something drastic just for it to finally be over.   I can feel the black ball inside me getting bigger and bigger and nastier and nastier and I know that in the end I will lose it and die in some horrific way,...

PLEASE let me get my fentenyl before this moment happens,....

I beg of you God just give me this one last gift of allowing me to die peacefully with fentenyl rather than someway painful and horrific,.... Please give me this one last gift,.... 

I never seemed to deserve anything in life - so please give me this one last thing for my death. A quiet peaceful death,....

I can't take anymore and I need to let this stress out

 I just finished writing a blog entry about how LITTLE I leave my apartment. After I wrote it, I decided to go utside to the gazebo to just get outside. But I ran into Tonya Halls. And she has done it again,…. I was in the lobby waiting for the elevator to come down so I could get on it to go back up to my apartment. When the elevator doors opened, TONYA was there. Shes a LARGE,… extra large woman,… but she had plenty of room to get off the elevator. She DID get off without me moving my walker so that proves there was enough room. Infact I have it on video to show there was MOUNTAINS OF ROOM for her to get off the elevator. But she right away went outside to her group of minions that were sitting out there and said “That tramp just blocked me from getting off the elevator – She deliberately put her walker infront so I couldnt’ get off!!!!” This was the last straw,… I have had enough of her games,…. and I lost it,… I SCREAMED at the top of my lungs “I have that on video,… let’s look at it together and see who the liar is,…” but she refused to watch the video. She instead RAN ~ I mean RAN out to her friends and started in again,… I blocked her from getting off the elevator,…. Blatant lie,… I can prove it on video,… but who is going to watch it? Not her or her friends,…. so whats the point????? Me against all the minions,…. brainwashed minions,…..

So today I force myself to go outside and get some much needed air from this isolation. And I decide to spend 15 minutes outside in the gazebo. But now,… I will pay for it. She has already told the whole building that I deliberately blocked her in the elevator. It’s really not that big a deal in a normal situation, but this is just THE LAST FUCKING STRAW! I left my unit for 15 minutes and again the CUNT has caused drama. I refuse to play anymore,…. so explain to the police why I killed myself Tonya,…. explain how a person can only be harrassed,,.. lied about and basically bullied until I couldn’t take it anymore. EXPLAIN THIS TO THE POLICE after they find me dead. Don’t sugar coat this Tonya – YOU ARE A BULLY – and you bullied me to death over the last 5 years. I hope you can sleep at night knowing you LIED and ACCUSED and basically left me hated in this building. YOUR A CUNT so make no mistake of that!!!!!!! I hope you learn and you stop this drama and playground bullying of lies and accusations. If you’ve done it to me,… your doing it to others as well. STOP! Because what you don’t see is how it left me hated by everyone you talk to!!!!!! Well if thats what you were hoping for,… it worked. I feel like I have had your hate campaign destroy me to the point I can’t fight you and I can’t escape you so I have to die. I can’t live here anymore,… You have completely RUINED that for me. PLEASE learn it is YOU that is the problem and you need help and you need to STOP before you hurt someone else.

I have my scalpel out and I sit here so angry,…. I am shaking with rage at her antics. WHY???? I mean seriously,… WHY? All so you can have an audiance and feel important. I have to live here – this is the only home I have – and she has made it unbearable to be here. I actually get dirty looks from people???

I don’t know what to do with all this pain,… and anger,… and despair,…. I need to release it and let it go as it is killing me,…. i need to let it go,…

I need to CUT!!!!!!!! CUT!!!!!! CUT!!!!!!!!!

I fucking hate my life and I fucking hate Tonya fucking Halls. The little 12 year old girl has defeated me,…. and I fucking HATE THAT!!!!

CUT!!!

CUT!!!!

CUT!!!!!

I really hope that someday that cunt gets what she deserves. I will now stoop to her level and do anything to her myself,… but I do believe in KARMA. And someday that fat fucking cunt is going to finally pay. I may be buried and long gone when it happens,… but it WILL happen and she will deserve it,…. Roll on KARMA!

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I need help

I am not doing well,.. I have sunk to the lowest and don't even want to get better. I am not even functioning ~ let alone living. I have no idea WHY I exist. I waste space and nothing else.

I am back to "just do 3 things today". Something my therapy has taught me when I am so depressed I can't function. And those 3 things are usually pretty basic. Eat,... shower,... do 3 laps of the hall. And that is the extent of my life. I don't see outside these 4 walls very often. I bet I leave my unit for about 3 or 4 hours a MONTH. Usually just to take my garbage to the garbage room,... go down to the lobby to get my mail,... or do laundry. All other times I am isolated away here in my unit. Alone. I don't see anyone,... I don't talk with anyone,... I have no correspondance with anyone anymore. I'm actually thinking of getting rid of my phone. No one calls,... no one texts,... it sits on my table day after day ~ silent ~ why am I bothering to pay a bill just to get messages from scammers and bill collectors? I'm starting to think the $70 a month would be better spent on food rather than something that tortures me because it remains silent for the calls I WANT to get,.... Michelle,... Hayley,... any of my loved ones I miss so much my heart physiaclly aches. They are never going to call,... so I'm starting to wonder if it's time to just get rid of the phone once and for all. It's just a reminder to me that I am alone and unwanted. 

I need to do my taxes,... I need to get proof of insurance off to housing,... I need to get my housing benefit application filled out and sent off,... I need to deal with my lawyer and my case,... but I cannot bring myself to cope. Instead I have shut down completely. NUMB. All these things will fall apart now,... and in the end,... I will lose my housing and my case. But even that knowledge can't get me to care. Instead I sit here day after day staring at the tv watching shows I've seen over and over again. I don't care about the shows. I am starting to hate the tv. When you watch it every waking hour - 18 to 20 hours  a day,... it becomes boring. Tedious. When I wake up every morning my heart drops when I remember that I live in poverty. And that my day will be spent infront of the tv yet again. And this thought makes me panic,... makes me get angry,... makes me hate my life,... I can't do it anymore. 

I need help. I need someone to knock on my door and say,.. "I am here to help. Lets get these things done. I will help you with them,..." But who is there to do that? No one. My daughters don't want to know. No one wants to know,... I am a burden. I can't do it myself anymore but there is no one to help.

I wish for one thing and that is help. Because without help,... there is only one choice left and that is DEATH. 

It's such a humbling feeling of such deep failure that I am completely alone,...

If help isn't coming,.... I have to choose DEATH

Please God,...

Please,....

Please let me die and end this suffering,....

I am begging now,....

PLEASE,.... I just need to be dead now PLEASE

I can't bear one more day of this 

I just need to be dead

Please,... Please,... Please,....

send me some fentenyl and let me DIE!!!!!

Can't deal with this pain one more day,....

I woke up this morning in pain. I opened my eyes and before I could even wake up I moved and pain shot through my body. It's like this every morning. Before I even wake up fully I have to deal with pain. I lay there quietly trying to wake up without  moving my body. Every move causes pain,... from lifting the covers off of me to just turning,... sitting up and getting out of bed. THAT is painful. Can you imagine feeling this pain every day of your life from the moment you open your eyes? I'm tired of it,.... I can't deal with this pain anymore,...

WHY can't I have someone here to help? I need help!!!! What I would give to have someone here for me,.... it would make all the difference in the world. It would make the difference between wanting to live and DYING,... and right now dying seems much more attractive. RELIEF

This pain is not going away. Infact since the accident it has doubled. I knew it would but no one would listen to me. I knew what I needed but no one would listen to me,... 

I am not dealing with this pain anymore with no reward for it. Just to face the grind and struggle of my life? Not worth it,....

I can't deal with this overwhelming PAIN anymore.

I can't even wash my face or brush my teeth now because it casues too much pain. I do it anyway as I HAVE too. There isnt' anyone here to help me with these things. I AM ALONE.

Please God,... I cannot deal with this PAIN one more day,..

I really really do need the relief of DEATH. 

Please make this PAIN go away,.....

Just thinking out loud,...

About my new friend P**.  I met this woman when she left a message on my Facebook way back in November of last year. It was a cold call message and she did NOT say how she knew me ~ only that she read my blog. I didn't even question this. She seemed (and still seems) so sincere. We have gotten together a few times and it has only been good and positive. Infact,... she has NEVER done or said anything for me to ever question her motives. She has only been kind and caring. HELPFUL. 

But heres the thing,... She said once,... Tonya Halls once warned me off of you,... I hadn't even met you and she was telling me to stay away from you,... Because P** was so open and honest I believed her. I still do. But it made me realize she knows Tonya - the gossip down the hall I am having so much trouble with. P** says she hates Tonya and is on my side and felt bad for me that she has been such a cunt to me. I believed,.... I still do,.... however,...

When the cop was here about Tonya accusing me of writing on her door, the cop and I were talking about how she reads my blog, etc,... and then I told him how she even tells people I don't even know about me (P**). THATS when the cop pointed out to be careful. This P** came into my life in a cold message on Facebook right around the time I was having so much trouble. The cop didn't come right out and say it,... but his mannerisms suggested i was being foolish to allow this woman into my life at the time that Tonya is looking for information. The cop thinks she is a mole.

But from everything I have seen about P**, I don't think so. i really do think she is genuine and kind and caring and only reached out to help.

But,... it does beg the question,... HOW did you know about my blog to read it in the first place. You didn't know me,... yet you found my annonymous blog????? i don't buy that. You had to have been TOLD that my blog existed by someone. WHO?

I just can't trust anyone right now. I also believe she is the one who called the police on me too,... and if thats true then she doesn't know me AT ALL. She tried to STOP me. That says,... I don't care how much your suffering,... you have to stay alive for the Happy Shiny People. WHY would you wish that for me? If you knew me and knew how much I am suffering,... why would you try to stop me ending that? You wanted me to get caught and thrown in Homewood even though you knew how much I detested that. You wanted THAT for me and to then have to continue on with my shitty life. Sorry but I can't understand that. And i can't forgive that,....

So i don't know what to do. I have just told her that I am too depressed to talk to anyone right now (which is true) but I also don't know where this leaves us now.

Tonya Halls is a homegrown here in Fergus. Born and raised in the area and therefore knows everyone. I know no one. I am new here. But apparently she has been "warning people of me" all over this town that I have never even met. First of all,... what a cunt. She has nothing better to do? And secondly,... it means I can't trust anyone. I have had her minions play games with me before. I don't trust HER,... or anyone she associates with in any way shape or form. Which is everyone in this building and half of Fergus. So it just makes me give the tiniest bit of doubt with P**. Which isn't fair to P**,... but Tonya is such a problem she reaches everywhere. I just can't trust anyone who lives in the area that I just started talking to in the past 6 months. Tonya has literally made me paranoid of who I can talk to and trust.

THIS is why I hate living here and won't anymore. I dont care HOW I leave this apartment,... I just know I have to and I WILL!! Even if it means being taken out in a cardboard box ~ DEAD. 

I HATE living in this building 

So fucking angry

 I am in a horrible mood today. Since the moment I woke up everything has been going wrong. My doorbell camera broke,... that's something I rely on for my safety around here. I cannot replace it. Another thing gone,... No more walker,.... it's being taken away. No more safety of the doorbell camera,... no more anything but "No's" and "You can't have".  No,... No,... No,... You can't have it,.... you can't have anything everyone else gets to have because you are a mentally ill monster that doesn't deserve anything but $1308 a month. You are a joke to this society,... a burden to this society,... you are a drain on the resources of this society,...

No one wants you,....

No one cares you are suffering,....

So no one should care that all I want to do today is DIE!!!

I am angry. I am so angry that I am still breathing,.. 

Can you imagine waking up ANGRY? And what the hell do you do to calm down? There is nothing you can do to calm down. I just stay angry now. And it is torturous,...

I do not wish to be alive and I am very angry that I still am,...

And today I can't promise that I won't do anything about that.

You can only take so much before you explode and end it all in a horrific scene of violence. You won't allow MAiDs? Then I do it myself,....If I can't get my hands on fentenyl then I do what I need to do,... WHATEVER it takes to stop breathing!!!!!!!

Because I can't spend one more day of sitting in this anger and rage at being so fucking poor that I am invisable to this society.

I just need to DIE!

And today,.... I am so angry and so fed up that I just feel this overwhelming need to escape,... It's overwhelming!

I really do give up

 I am so sorry I even started this stupid personal injury case. It has done nothing but make me fill out LOOOOOOOONG detailed forms and do assessments. And now they want me to do another one before I can even do this psycological appointment.

I can't even get out of bed,... I can't even take care of myself and they want me to fill out yet another form for yet another assessment for yet another appointment. 

They obviously are not understanding the level of despondancy I feel right now or how close I am to suicide.

Because so far my experience with this law firm has been to fill out forms and have assessements just to get an appointment. It's been 3 months since the accident and I have gone from bad to worse to SUICIDAL and can't get out of bed. 

But all they want are assessements and forms filled out.

So I called them today and basically told them I'm not capable of doing all these things for them. I let them know if that is what is required of me,... then I can't continue on with this case. I cannot pretend to be well and get out of bed and suddently be well enough to go into Mississauga to get this damn thing done. So we're at a stalemate. Either I do these things or the case can't proceed,... so I guess the case can't proceed anymore,...

I can't even get out to get groceries!!!!!!!!! i really don't care about forms. I'm hungry!

So as far as I'm concerned they can keep all of their assessments. They haven't given me any help yet and it's been 3 months!!!!!!  And I see they have charged the assessors already and my case so far is billed up around $10,000.00. That is nearly a YEARS WAGE to me. A YEARS! and still no help has come,... I am still floundering trying to do the basics like get food.

So what they have planned for me isn't even going to get me the help I need in the end anyway. I need caregiveres.  They haven't even offered me this solution,... Just more forms to fill out today just in order to HAVE the assessment for psychiatry. 

If I could do all these things,... I would. But I can't,...  I am physically and mentally unable to. So I have given up once again and gone back to bed and I guess this case is now over.

This is just fate to me that I need to continue on with FENTENYL.

I will never get the caregivers I need,.... never,... so I will never be able to fully look after myself ever again.

And this case seems to have just been a fucking waste of time and alot of fucking money has been billed so far and I didn't even get what I needed. 

So back to looking for fentenyl,.... lot less hopes to jump through and I get what I need ~ peace.