It's been a rough week. I think I had measles. About 10 days ago I started to get a rash. On my torso along the nerve line which would suggest I had gotten shingles again. But over the next 3 days the rash spread everywhere. I was covered in red dots all over. I have had chicken pox,... (in the 1970's) and I have had the measles/mumps/rubella vacination way back in 1970. So I shouldn't be able to get measles. But looking it up,... I see you actually can even if you've been vacinnated. (?) These red dots were SEVERELY itchy. I was having to sit in a bathtub 3 times a day just to help calm the itching. I have gone through a ton of products trying to soothe my skin but nothing has worked. I just had to ride it out. Now I am left with dried up dots all over me. The itch is still there but it's minimal now. I had called 811 for help and they said it sounds like measles but they doubtful I could catch them. In the end I would need a doctor to tell me and becasue I don't have one ~ I guess we'll never know what I had. Whatever it was, it made me very sick. So I am just glad that it has finally gone.  But let me tell you,... I was so sick,.... really, really sick. I told the woman on the 811 health line that I had been in the ER of our local hospital and she thinks I probobly picked something up there. becasue otherwise I never leave my apartment and couldnt' catch anything. It must have been that one time I went to the ER.

I am having problems with my arm and hand. It is getting worse instead of better. I used to be able to find one or two postions I could sit in that allieviated the pain and numbness. But now,... NO position helps relieve anything. Yesterday it got so bad i broke down and went to the walkin. It took me 67 times to get through on the phone but I finally did. The walkin phone lottery - I finally got through. And luckily for me the weather was perfect for walking so I was able to get there no problem. 

This doctor was very helpful. He knew exactly what to do. He referred me to a physiatrist. Someone who works with chronic pain and fibromyalgia patients. I don't even care if he works with accident victims and lawyers (most won't as it involves court cases they dont want to deal with) I just want fixed. Unfortunately the doctor is in Toronto. So I am worried that even with an appointment I won't be able to get there. Nothing is easy in my life - not even getting to a doctors appointment. Maybe I will go to Toronto the night before and get a motel room. That way I am already in Toronto so I can't get lost or be late. I can also get some FENTANYL.

I haven't changed my mind. I still believe that life has priced me right out of living so I DO plan on ending my life. But until I can find fentanyl I have to continue on. Maybe this appontment is a blessing in disguise. I will be right downtown Toronto where I can finally find some fentanyl.

This life is too hard now and I need a rest.

This life is too expensive and I don't have enough to survive

Theres no life for me here anymore,...