If you can save me NOW is the time

I don't feel like writing today. My heart is just not in it. I am losing the motivation to continue living.

I was so excited last week after going to the walkin and getting that referral to the physiatrist. but now that I have had a few days to sort this out, I realize,...

I can't get there 

This doctor has two offices I looked up. One in Toronto and one in Alliston. Both places are a good 2 HOURS DRIVE away from here. How am I going to get there? I live in Fergus. It has no bus service. And our Taxi only has ONE CAR. We don't have Uber as it's such a small town. I have no friends or family to ask. So HOW do I get to this appointment? The answer is,... I can't. There is no way unless someone drives me. And I have noone to ask. 

And as the realization of this has set in over the past week it has left me totally depressed. I again have ZERO choices. I can't fly there. I can't walk there,... but having no car of my own I am helpless.

When health care is this hard - it's time for me to pack it in. I don't want health care that is a two hour drive away. I want a doctor. But that won't happen so I am again shit out of luck.

So I have decided not to bother. If it's this hard to get help,... I' too old and tired to bother.

I need two things.

A doctor to give me a complete physical to get all my issues noted and fixed. 

I need to move out of this building and right out of this town into a place with bus service and taxi's. Without transportation I am just a recluse in my apartment rotting until I die. That isn't living,... thats existing.

I am so done being alone. Having to cope all by myself is just too hard now. I need help. I need my daughters or family to help me now as I just can't do it on my own anymore.

It's funny, but I have a tatoo on my inner left wrist that reads "fight for life". And there have been days I have had to look down at that and remind myself to keep it together and fight. But not today. Today,... sadly,... I give up my fight.

I am 61. I don't have the use of my right arm and hand and my left hand is still left with damage as well. I can't even do simple things like brush my hair or squeeze the toothpaste. I have no strength or dexterity anymore to do these things. My hands are useless to me and after a year of it I am just fed up. I know they aren't getting better. And if I have to hitchhike to a town two hours away just to be seen then I give up.

Every bone and fibre in my body has given up. There is no fight left. So I continue on with my plan of ending my life.

I don't have enough money to even ALMOST have a descent life. I am so poor I have no life.

And my family ~ well they have broken my heart. I am suppose to be in my retirement years. A time of realxing with family and getting to be with your grandchildren. I have none of this.

I am 100% alone. 

Instead of Vancouver, I am going to Toronto. I know the bad areas there. I can get fentanyl no problem. I just need to save enough money for the taxi to Union Station and then the money for a hotel. I also need good weather so next month sounds PERFECT.

I am tired and can't go on,... this two hour trip to see a doctor just sounds like climbing a mountain to me and I just don't have the motivation or energy to bother.

Nope,... I think it's time to finalize these plans and get on with it.

Becasue right now I am just sitting here waiting for Tonya to tattle to housing about one more FALSE complaint and I am homeless,... I can't live like that. Waiting for the ax to fall,...

No,... my life is done and now it's time to go.

I have a date picked and I am now just waiting,....

If you can save me NOW is the time becasue it will soon be too late,..

And I don't want ONE person to say after my death that "if only they knew and could have helped,.."

EVERYONE KNOWS!!!! My family can pretend they don't but they do. They CHOOSE to turn their heads and pretend they didn't know.

I'm done begging them to let me in their lives.

I'm done living with no doctor

I'm done living in poverty

I'm done living in a building where there is a witch hunt trying to get you evicted

I am done LIVING this miserable life

I am done

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NOW is the time to save me if you can,... because next week will be too late,....