I am having a hard time today. I really have given up. I had the flu over the past two days. It was really miserable. Being sick is hard. Being sick when you live alone and have noone to help? Is even worse. I spent about 12 hours vomiting off and on. Then I fell asleep. You know when you have had the flu and your at the point where your just on the cusp of turning the corner for the better. Your stomach feels slightly hungry but your still not completely well so food is questionable? You still don't feel strong enough to get out of bed. It really is nice to have someone to do things for you. Someone to make me tea and toast or whatever it is I need to feel better. When you live alone,... you have to cope on your own. And up until last year that wasn't much of a problem. But this past year,... I have gone so downhill that I can't even look after myself when I am sick. So I just lay in bed - waiting to feel better. It took 2 days.
And this has left me feeling despondant. Because this is the realization of what my future is going to be like. I am older now and my health is deteriorating on top of the deficeits in my arm and hands from the accident. It has left me DEPENDENT. I can no longer do the things I need to look after myself.
Laying in bed feeling nauseuas and wanting gravol but it's in the cupboard in the kitchen and your feeling too sick to get out of bed to get it,.... ditto for tea or ginger ale,.... it was a miserable two days. And now I can see I am going to have to face this every time I am sick. I don't want to do that. It's absolutely miseable to be sick and have to fend for yourself.
So today I have woken up and just been severely depressed all day. I know my future is bleak and I just don't have it in me to live anymore. It's just too hard,...
So I am back to suicide. As soon as I feel well enough I am out there to do what I need to do. I can't wait any longer. I have hit a wall and I just can't go on,...
I can't,....
I just don't have it in me anymore,.......
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