Big game today. Manchester United play in the fifth round of the FA Cup. This is a big deal to us football fans. It's one of the biggest football tournaments in the world. My other team (TFC) lost 4-2 yesterday on their second game of the season. Hmmmm,... I love Toronto FC, but,... they just seem to be struggling the past few years. They really haven't had a good season in 5 or 6 years. But it's a brand new season now so I will just cross my fingers and hope they see an improvement.
While I wait for the game, I am sitting here with my coffee watching Youtube. One of the things I enjoy watching, is people living off-grid way out in the middle of nowhere. There are thousands of Youtubers who video their day to day living in little log cabins or old beat up houses they renovate. I have 3 or 4 that I follow. I would love to live off-grid away from the world. But at my age with my mobility issues I couldn't do it now. But if I had to live my life all over again,... I would never get married,... I would have worked my butt off and socked a bunch of money away and then gone to live way up in northern Ontario somewhere. I have to admit I, myself, am a little too princess to live completely off-grid. I would have done it years ago when I was young and fit but now,... I wold definitely need running water and a working toilet. I could live with a wood stove (I have before). If I won the lottery I would definitely buy a little home and live by myself with a bunch of dogs and a cat. One can dream,...
But because that dream has passed my by, I am therefore relegated to watching people live this lifestyle. One of my favourite Youtubers is "Skote Outdoors". This guy has travelled extensively and has lived off-grid all over. I love watching him come to a place that is raw and natural and turn it into his little homestead. There is nothing more satisfying to me than watching a big project like this come together. I have renovated 3 homes (while still married) so I know a bit about DIY. But these off-grid guys take it to a whole other level. And because I am trapped here inside my apartment and can't do it myself, I try and live vicariously through these folks on YouTube. It's fascinating to see how they build things. How they cope with bad weather and other things that go wrong. I admire their tenacity and ingenuity.
I am definitely going to BC. I am still saving as much as I can so I have enough for a weeks vacation in Vancouver. But my plan ends with a fatal hot shot of fentanyl on the downtown east side when the money runs out. (I really don't see any other choice) But wouldn't it be nice if I could find myself a little motor home/rv to live in. My mother did it. She lived up in the mountains at a place just outside of 22 mile lake. Look it up,... you'll see just how remote this place is. She lived in a trailer with her dogs and cat. Hmmm just saw the parallel there,... thats exactly what I want to do. But unfortunately in this world everything costs money. Too much money. Money I don't have. You know the saying 'Money can't buy you happiness' well I disagree. If money could buy me a little tiny home in the middle of nowhere,... that would certainly make me happy. And I wouldn't have to end my life,...
Life is very unstable for me right now. Things are going downhill at an alarming rate. I NEED to get the hell away from this apartment and this building and this town,... there is nothing left for me here anymore. My children won't talk to me so why should I hang around any longer? I have been waiting for a reconcelliaton for years now (with my eldest daughter) but it's not coming. She has made up her mind and I am never seeing her or my granddaughter - ever again. hayle had no interest in being with me. I know that if a person wants to do something - they will find the time to do it. but my Hayley was just too busy,...
So with nothing left to keep me here, I make plans to go to BC. There really isn't any life for me here anymore. What happens in BC I don't know. It all depends on money (I don't have). I only have $500 to spend on rent and in Ontario rent STARTS at $1500 so I am already priced right out of living here. But I don't see anywhere else in this country that does have reasonable, affordable rent. And waiting lists for housing can be as long as 10 YEARS.
It's very frustrating not being able to eek out some kind of a life. but living in poverty as well as pain everyday really does make life unbearable.
I don't want to die ~ but I don't have enough money to live anymore.
I am trapped.
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