Roger Waters,... I get exactly how you feel,...

I am a classic rock girl of the '70's through and through. I grew up on the psychedelic sounds of Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, David Bowie, The Stones, Queen and The Who. As young teens we would hang out in our boyfrineds souped up cars. Usually tucked away in a dark parking lot somewhere. The car stereos blasting these rock opera "albums" from the speakers our boyfriends worked all summer to afford to proudly buy. In our very high heeled Candy shoes and our strawberry flavoured lip gloss we would hang out like the rebellious teenagers we were. I wore dark black eyeliner and sported classic rock band t-shirts. I was the quintessential 1970's rock chick.

So of course I grew up listening to the very famous Pink Floyd album "The Wall". Like a lot of music in that era, an album usually consisted of a story. Each song told a chapter. (One of my favourite albums in that time was "Genesis" ` Lamb lies down on Broadway). Most high school kids, has at one time, sat on their bedroom floor with headphones on (higher than a kite on their Jamacain weed which popped as you smoked it from the seeds left in,...) listening to the music that would stay with me for the next 50 years of my life. Lots of music comes and goes but in my heart I will always be a 1970's rock chick.

Today I was once again scouring YouTube for anything of interest. YouTube is free and therefore my main tv entertainment. But it can be irritating to find content you like. I click through hundreds of "recommended" videos before I come across anything that interests me. I think I waste a lot more time searching than I do actually watching videos. But today I happened to come across one titled "A Devastating Call from his wife led to this chilling 1979 classic" which ended up to be about the album The Wall by Pink Flloyd and what it is about. 

It is basically the story of Roger Waters life. And it was so hauntingly similar to mine that I paused to pay more attention when I watched it. Not in how our lives went,... but instead in how we feel about society and how we became so jaded with the greed and fascination with fame and money. How he isolated himself away from society to avoid the depravation of what society has become. He speaks of his resentment and then feeling invisable and lost and thrown away,... all things that I have felt and am still feeling now. So jaded in the greed,... I had not known what the words meant all those years ago. I loved the clever lyrics and the music itself. But the meaning was vague. Now,... I can't help but have the meaning slap me in the face. I didn't understaand the words before because I had no experience in life. I was only a baby then. But now,... I have seen the world through exhausted eyes and it has left me suicidal. I don't like this new world. I don't fit into it,... maybe I never did but atleast in my early years I understood why things happened. Life seemed much fairer and easier. But now,... I have seen the evil that lives in people. I have lived too long in pain and poverty. I am resentful noone has come to save me. Back in my day no child would ever leave a parent to fall like I have. But the new Millennials have told me that I am mentally ill and they need to cut ties with me because I am toxic to them and therefore they need to self-care. Ok,... I'm not disputing the need to self care,... I'm disputing the fact that when someone is in trouble ~ grudges are disolved and love becomes the bigger need. But not with this new generation,... it's all about them and self care and protecting themselves from conflict at all cost. Right or wrong I hope they enjoy their conflict free life (without their mentally ill monster mother) because that decision broke my heart,... my spirit,... and eventaully my will to continue on living. Theres no right or wrong answer here. I think it's a generational thing. Or even a cultural thing,... some cultures would never allow a senior family member to struggle.  Ill or not,... but North Americans seem to be more selfish leaving their parents and elders to fend for themselves. I know some are NOT in a postion to help. I get that. And my two daughters probobly aren't in a posittion to help me out. I'm not expecting them to move me in. But emotional support would have made all the difference in my downfall over the past 5 years. Just having them to help physically with groceries and other basic stuff would have been amazing. But it wsn't there because they weren't there. I understand in my head what their reasoning is,... but it hurt like hell and pretty much ended my motivation to live. Life without your children is not life,... it is existing.

So Roger,... I get it. I am there. I am fed up of society seeing through me,... your album took me through exactly how I am feeling. 

Exhausted and fed up with life,...

I will stop at nothing to die now

I have not slept. I am a wreck. I have done everything I ould to get by in life but society put roadblock after roadblock infront of me causing me nothing but hardship over the past years. Now I have lost my income. There is nothing left.

So i have ONE plan. To die. And that is the only thing that matters to me right now. My lawyer seems to be dojng nothing. They don't know what to do and I am a very small case that they can't make money on so I'm starting to think I have been put on the back burner and ignored. I have reached out to my lawyer but only the law clerk ever gets back to me. And her response to my saying I have lost my income? "I'm sorry you are going through this,....' I was actually pissed off when I read that. At;east pick up the phone and talk to me insteead of emails. I feel like they aren't doinganything anymore so I can't count on my lawyer. He doesn't seem to know anything about ODSP. HE was the one who told me it is safe earnings I don't have to claim. Now I do,..no one is talking to me. Now that I have LOST my ODSP no one is reaching out to me. Becasue everyone knows,.... it's gone for good and I am never getting it back. You need a doctor for the forms to get ODSP back so I have no way of proving to them I need ODSP. IT IS GONE. My income is gone and that means so are my benefits - medical and dental. SOMEONE SOMEWHERE FUCKED UP and I'm paying for it by losing my incme that I can never get back now.

So last night while sleepless in bed I did nothing but think. And I know that life is only going to get worse and harder as without an income I can't pay rent and I can't eat so I WILL be homeless. i can probobly fob them off and hide in my unit for about 6 months before I am physically removed for non-payment. Then I am a 61 year old lady who is in need of a walker ~ HOMELESS. Living under a fucking bridge.

Well i will not allow that to happen as I am not physically cappable of living homeless. So the answer is DEATH. I will say it again,... I DO NOT WANT DEATH. But with the life I have it is the only alternative to pain and pvoerty and nOW homelesssness.

NOONE rang me or called me or emailed me with help. I mean the help I need now is to move in with someone who is willing to help me. And the only ones who could do that are my children. I don't have other family that will take me in. JUST MY CHILDREN. but we all know they hate me so this will never happen. My children don't care if I rot under a bridge.

So I am back to killing myself. THIS is the only answer. I refuse to live as a disabled person HOMELESS. To me this is cruel and inhumane and allowing people to be homeless is DISGUSTING. But just look how easy it can happen. It has happened to me before and now it is happening to me again. The first time it happened I had a car. My saviour. But this time I only have my non-wrokng legs and a walker. So to me the ONLY anser is death.

IF you have not got an answer to help me then for fucks sake please don't call the police or you will be sentencing me to 20 years of homnelessness as a dsabled person. THAT is a cruel and inhumane life I refuse to live. So i am choosing death to avoid it. This week I have made plans,... and this time,... I have no coice but to carry through with them as I refuse to be a disabled HOMELESS person. I've been homeless and once you are you are nothing but a nuisance to the rest of society and they HATE you. You can't find a place to stay as the cops keep "moving you along,...: but as much as I would like to be,... I can't make myself INVISABBLE so as not to be seen and upset the Happy Shiny People. instead of sympathyzing with me and helping me,.... they give you dirty looks like you are a dirty leper and move you on,... so they don't have to look at you.

Fentenyl is the answer and I will not rest until I have found it,.... ingested it and have died.

FUCK YOU ONTARIO CANADA - Fuck you!!!!!!!! You don't care about your people. Don't even pretend you do as I ended up HOMELESS under your care,...

FUCK YOU

I will stop at nothing to die now.

I am completely and udderly DEVASTED right now. Becasue I realize this is the real deal,... I am ending my life. By next week Jacquie Rose Holyoak will be nothing but a memory,.....

If anyone can save me ~ NOW would be the time,…

THAT was the last straw

I woke up ANGRY! I still can't believe that I got hit by a car and I'm not allowed to have insurance money. It's BULLSHIT. I have to give it all back!!!!!!!!

So this morning I sit here and all I can think about is dying. 

Today my only goal is to die.

Let ODSP explain to people how they treated me like the poorest trailer trash alive and I couldn't make ends meet and couldnt look after myself anymore,... but they TOOK AWAY the money I was finally given to help,....

By the end of this day Jacqueline Rose Holyoak will no longer exist,....

She was kicked in the teeth once too often and couldn't take it anymore.

Who will be the one to find me dead on my livingroom floor? I don't know who it will be but becasue I am so alone ~ I can guanrantee no one will even notice I am gone and it will be the smell that finally alerts someone I am DEAD!

Fuck you world,....

FUCK YOU

 This is an open letter to darren evil spawn green:

I didnt tell most people about you abusing your cat. Because we used to be frineds and to me - that meant something so I kept my mouth shut to protect you.

But you did your best to make my life miserable. And after last week you shouting at me to slit my throat and kill myself cunt,.... (very creative,.... using what hurts the most,... very evil,... good boy) 

But I have had enough. I just learned that you spread some lies about me and that someone took me aside today to tell me EVERYTHING that you guys have been saying. Why? Because apparently they feel bad sitting there listening to you and wanted me to know.  It's all you making up lies to distract away from me telling people you traumatize your cat. I kept my mouth shut (other than the day it happened I told marc and two others) but after that I hid away in my apartment and kept my mouth shut while YOU took that opportunity to bad mouth me to everyone who would listen. LIES!!! I mean seriously,... Your telling people I stole your laundry??? LOL come on,.... Because I have kept quiet people are now noticing that you are the one causing gossip and drama. This person came to me to tell me they hate you!!!!! They don't like  listening to you,... they think your a wanna-be gangster that is just all mouth and no action. This person - who I laugh at now as YOU think they like you,... lol  but instead today they came to me. Because they have had enough of listening to you bash me.

Looks like the truth is slowly coming out as I told this person EVERYTHING!!!! I didn't hold back. So they know and I'm sure they will be passing it on and it looks like they are realizing that maybe it's not me after all ~ that is in the wrong and needs to be hated,... this person has aready figured out it is really YOU that did wrong and not me like they have been told. You used me to distract away from WHAT YOU DID and DARREN ~ make no mistake,... what you did to that cat was wrong and inhumane and you need to own up to that - admit it - and get help for your raging. I wasn't the one who actually called the humane society,... the POLICE DID. So after hearing the video they agreed you abused your cat and THEY called to get is removed. So make no mistake - you were wrong and EVIL to that cat.

The tables are slowly turning Mr evil spawn,... be careful who you are talking to as today everything you said came back to me!!!!!! I was surprised as I was certain this person was on your side but they are not. And THAT makes me smile now, as finally,.... someone,... is starting to see your true colours and that the things you've been telling people are only fairy tales trying to save yourself from being humiliated with people knowing how horrible you treated your cat. (How could you treat him that way???)

This person now knows what you did and HEARD the vidoe of your angry rage at your cat. They heard everything and lost all respect for you INSTANTLY just as I did.

Keep it up Darren,... lol,... but if I were you, I would be taking stock of who I let into my circle. Because you have a mole in your camp,.... and they are now sympathizing with ME. THEY have seen the truth!

Karma always comes back to give you what you deserve. I knew I didn't have to as I knew it would come back and bite you in the ass eventaully. And today was that day.

STAY FLUFFY DARREN and remember where you came from!!! lol

 I actually had a good day for the first time in a VERY long time. Becky came to visit. But it was all cancelled out because just after she left,... ODSP wrote an email to me saying my insurance money IS considered income. Which means I was NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE IT and that means I will HAVE TO GIVE IT BACK.

I hate this fucking world. They just kick you when you are down. How do you fucking win??

HOW DO YOU FUCKING SURVIVE???? I can't

Sundays used to be good,... now there just as empty as every other day

It is Sunday morning. For more years than I can remember Sunday mornings have always been Corontaion Street and Football. I have been watching the British soap for over 30 years now. Every Sunday morning I would settle in as the opening music so familiar to me would play. (Whah, whah, whah, whah, whah, whah,..) Maggie would cuddle up on my lap and with coffee in hand and I would sit back and enjoy my program. I have watched Coronation Street for so long, the characters feel like family. Once it is over I swtich over to football. The English Premier League. The new season for this started last weekend. So Sundays are probobly my best day of the week. I KNOW there is something on tv to pass the time. 

But lately, even these two cherished passions I don't seem to enjoy anymore. Nothing seems to make me happy anymore. I am just so empty.

I miss my family,.. A Mothers life is her children. Without them I have no life,... No role,... no purpose,... my heart aches for my children.

All I do now is think of the past. All the fun things I used to do that I can't anymore,... it's like the poor kid looking through the fence at the rich kids swimming at a pool party. Your not included yet it's there right infront of you. Taunting you,... letting you know your not good enough to join in. Infact this scenario is my life. I am on the outside ~ watching the rest of the world enjoy their lives while I sit alone watching. Not able to join in but can't hide from it. It's always out there reminding you that other people are good enough,... they get to have families and vacations and cars,... they get to have money to do things for fun,... 

I feel invisable. Unwanted. Unloved,...

Why is life so fucking hard? Im so exhausted from the struggle and need to rest,... but the only way to rest is to die,...

Please someone help me to die,....

Isolation really fucks with your mind

There is no reason why. There doesn't have to be with fibromyalgia. But I have woken up seized up in pain. My left neck/shoulder/arm have become frozen in pain. So I am finding it difficult to move. Because of this I have declared it a pajama day. Not much different than most days really except that pajama days I don't get out of bed. It's just too painful. Usually I turn the tv on and just doze on and off all day. They are not good days for me mentally. But when your in pain,... you don't like moving your body. Pajama days are inevitable.

My life is very small now. I have one friend left ~ Becky. But I don't even see her. She is younger than me and lives a very busy life. So I only ever see her in person about twice a year. All my other friends and family have left. Theres no one left but Becky,...

So my days are lonely. They are spent in isolation. The only times I physically leave my apartment is when I take my garbage out to the garbage room once a day. To go down to the lobby and get my mail once a day (Monday to Friday) And to go to the laundry room once every two weeks to do laundry. IF the weather is good and IF I am not in too much pain, I will go out to the gazebo for 20 minutes or so. About twice a month I get out to the shops to get supplies. I bet if you were to add up the hours I spend outside my apartment it would be about 6 hours a MONTH! I literally live in isolation from the world.

The only time I speak to another human being is when i run into them in this building. So it's not for conversations,... it's only to say hello in passing. I feel sad and humiliated to admit that the absolute only thing I converse with is my cat. Maggie. I don't have conversations with humans anymore. I do a lot of chatting to Maggie but that is the only time I even speak now. And I am suffering for it.

Human beings are designed to be social. But I am sequestered away from the rest of the world. I cna't remember the last time I physically touched another person. Probobly when Becky hugged me a few months back after dropping groceries off to me. But that was a long time ago. I miss human contact so much that I now recoil from it when offered. I am so used to being my own island that it feels odd to have another soul around. But I do crave it.

My heart literally aches some days for missing my girls. I mean my chest actually feels heavy and uncomfortable. I have lost too much over the past five years since I have been on ODSP (Ontario Disability). I ask you to really imagine,... losing everything,....

Your spouse,... your children,... your home,... your car,... your income,... your friends,... but the worst one of all,... your family. I never got over losing my children. I am still grieving the loss of my past life. And on top of this I am resentful that I have landed down here alone ~ unwanted ~ unliked. I have literally lost everything I had,... and this has left me suicidal.

If you were to ask what it would take to get me to change my mind I would say without any hesitation,... my family. If Michelle and Hayle and my little grand-daughter showed up at my door I would be ecstatic. I don't give a shit about money. I don't care I live in poverty. Even the pain I suffer each day would be tolerable if I had a life attached to it. But I don't. EVERYTHING was taken. And I was left in poverty,... in pain,... alone. 

Lonliness is used in torture. And I can see why. It's miserable. It's painful. It's difficult to endure. But if no one wants me in their life,... then theres not a lot I can do about being alone. 

But after five years of it,... the struggle has become too much.  My life has been stripped of every single thing I valued and now I have been told to just deal with it,... But because I couldn't deal and my attitude became dark. Angry,... lonely,... resentful,... then NO ONE wants to be around you. Not even you. now I just hate myself. This difficult lifestyle has depleted me of any spirit I used to have.

I just want my family. Michelle,... Hayley,... and my grand-daughter,.... I just want to be wanted and loved. But that was never to be. And that broke my heart. It broke my spirit and stole my soul leaving me an empty bitter shell.

Now if I can only get my heart to stop beating the pain can finally end.

So I spend my days wishing,... hoping,... praying I will find a way to end this pitiful life.

I cannot believe the bullshit - I just want out now

Rant number two in under an hour,... today is not a good day!

I had sent an email to ODSP to disclose the $370.00 I am receiving from the insurance company of the woman who hit me with her car. I just received an email back saying they want full disclosure and then THEY will decide IF I will be allowed to accept the money without losing my ODSP. Seriously????? If????

What a bunch of crap.

I got so angry that here is yet another organziation that is suppose to help people ~ taking my situation and making it WORSE! They want to subtract the insurance earnings from my monthly ODSP payment. In other words - I will still only be allowed to have $1308 a month income. Everything above will be taken away!!! BULLSHIT!

I CANNOT WIN

I fucking hate society. The rich get richer and all the advantages and us down here get shit on,...

Accepting this insurance money may just cancel out my ODSP,....

You just can't fucking win.

I am destined to live in poverty for the rest of my life and society is designed to keep me down here and never give me a break.

This system is designed to KEEP YOU DOWN. Everytime I try and get up ~ I am kicked back down again. I can't win.

I fucking hate my life and I can't wait to end it.

Maybe this anger will make today the day I finally find the courage to kill myself.

I just need to die now!!!!!! 

DIE!

I deserve to die

I think I have realized WHY this thing with Darren is bothering me so much. Usually if people argue or have a fight, all ties are broken and you just stop hanging out. No one actually gets hurt,... the relationship just ends. But with Darren, he wouldn't let it just end,... He had to make sure I was on the bottom on my knees before he could let go,... and it worked. He definitely won - although I don't know if "won" is the right word as I don't think of this as a game. Maybe thats why I lost. If I had known the rules, maybe I would have stood a chance. But instead I believed Darren would be fair and just walk away after our 'disagreement'. But Darrern didn't walk away. He took our ending as the start of a hate campaigne against me. He took every person we hung out with in the Gazebo and made sure they didn't like me anymore,... real playground immature shit.  Top of the list was Judy. I had been frineds with Judy well before Darren ever came on the scene. Judy is a parapalegic. She only has the use of one hand. She is in a wheelchair and is  100% reliant on her caregivers. She is smart,... and funny,... and we both smoke weed for our pain which is how we origianly met. I really like her and enjoyed being outside with her. We would all sit outside in the gazebo with her. There was about 7 or 8 of us. But after the big fight,.... while I was hurt and retreated into my apartment to lick my wounds, Darren on the other hand choose to take the time I wasn't around to poisone me to everyone in the gazebo. I don't know what he told them but ever since no one talks to me and they all get up and actually leave when they see me coming. It is still happening and has been for nearly a year now! It's not easing up.

But I'm going to dig deeper here as I just have to have this written somewhere as I feel I got a raw deal over this whole Darren fiasco. Judy cannot look after herself physically. So I worry about her.

One day Darren was in my unit with just the two of us and he started to rage out of control. To the point that he scared me. He literally lost control of himself all because his phone didn't do what he wanted it to do. So he lost it. For over 20 minutes he screamed at the top of his loungs ~ raging ~ while I sat there terrified. IN MY OWN HOME! I was scared because he had lost all control and couldn't control his behaviour anymore and I was terrified he would come after me. So I sat perfectly still,... trying to be invisable,... until his rage stopped. I don't think that Darren understands just how scary his rages are. He may know he won't hurt anyone else while he is in these rages,... but WE DON'T! It's intimidating to be in your own home and yet have a lunatic going crazy all because his phone didn't work. Imagine if I was the reason he had gotten mad? He would have come after me. I know that for a fact as his eyes go black and he is not Darren anymore. He has turned into a raging lunatic who is just screaming and throwing things. It's awful to be in the middle of. Very intimidating when your an older woman who isn't all that fit anymore,... But I am a capable adult. I can still more or less defend myself. When he left my apartment after that rage,... I emailed him that that will never happen again in my apartment. If he loses control again, he is to get up and leave my unit so I don't have to deal with it. But,... it happened again a few months later. So this time,... I was concerned for Judy. Darren hung out in HER apartment as well. I was now concerned about him raging and losing control in HER unit with no one else around to protect her. I was concerned for HER safety. So I took one of her care givers aside to tell them what happened and that I am concerned it might happen to her when she is alone with him in the future. If I was scared,... imagine how she would feel?

Well,... I am sorry I was ever concerned. Because now "I am a gossip" She obviously told Darren and the rest of the bong boys what I told her caregiver. To be careful around Darren when shes alone with him. My concern for her was turned into gossip. I was very hurt by that. I was friends with Judy long before Darren ever came on the scene. Yet because I hid away after my fight with Darren instead of being out there to stand up for myself,... Darren took this time to take advantage and destroyed my reputation. I don't care about Darren. He has shown himself to be the nasty human being he is. I want nothing to do with him ever again. But Judy? I lost a good friend in Judy and I really resent Darren for that. As well as being angry at Judy for just believing him. I was her friend! She should have known I would never do the things Darren has been saying,... I trusted our friendship to be stronger than that. But to this day,... Darren,... Judy and Mark all get up and leave when I walk out towards the gazebo. And everyone sees. It's humiliating. So I just hide away now instead. And eventually when you hide away and isolate Darren has the floor everyday to talk,... I made a big mistake hiding away. I just thought it would blow over if I just ignored it all. But Darren made sure it didn't. HE and him alone took advantage of my absense out in the gazebo and he enjoyed every minute of making me look like a fool. So i am so angry at Darren as he threw a grenade into my happy existence. My chill-time here is gone. I can't go outside anymore because of all the hate he created. He really is a nasty individual. I'm sorry I ever met him. He has ruined living here for me. I hate him.

And now the three of them are as thick as thieves. And I am again alone. I don't like this building. I don't like the people that live here. They are bored and small minded and use gossip and nastiness as entertainment to pass the time. I have no respect for that. So now I just keep myself to myself. Sequester myself away inside my apartment all day long. I dont talk to anyone. It's the only way to stay protected form these gossips. You have to be out of sight to be protected from their hate. And thats where I am today. Hiding away in my apartment because I don't have the tools to deal with people like this. Instead they push all my buttons. They know how to hurt me and they do,... it is sport to them. And they enjoy every minute of it.  

So I can't stay here. It is punishment to be treated as a leper in your own building. All because Darren can't control his rage. I PAID FOR IT. 

So I continue to save my money  so my burial will be covered.  (I'm now up to $2,400)  Then NO ONE can say they got STUCK with my burial costs. I take care of myself. I pay my own bills. I wouldn't want my children to have to complain that they got stuck paying for me when they didn't have the money. So rest assured loved ones,... and I say loved ones tongue in cheek,.... my death will not cost you a dime. Infact my death will assure you of my leaving your lives for good. My death can only be a good thing for everyone.

No one likes me,... no one wants me in their life,... so why hang around being punished like a leper for the rest of my life. Thats inhumane on top of poverty and physical pain.

Nope,... my life is well and truly over. My mental health destroyed me.

I deserve to die. 

So let me do you all a favour and slit my throat and die! Peace for me,... peace for you all,...

the mentally ill monster is dead ~ gone and buried,...

Ring the church bells ~ she is DEAD!!!!!!

Planning for the winter isolation

I am 100% on my own now. I have noone to talk to. So I will probobly be on here rambling a couple of times a day now. This blog has now become my best friend. There is no human being to turn to anymore. This blog is it. My sounding board,... my shoulder to cry on,... the only place to get anything off my chest.

I emailed ODSP today asking them to get in touch with me as I have to report/claim my insurance money. I am receiving $370.00 twice a month from the insurance company of the person who ran me over. It has been HEAVEN having a few extra dollars. But being the OCD queen that I am I have written down how much I have received as well as how much I have spent and how much I have put aaside to save. I have it down to the penny. I save most of it. I only dip into it for stuff i really need. Right now that is me starting to stockpile groceries and toiletries etc,... as winter is coming. Once the bad weather comes, I have very little chance to get out and shop. The roads aren't usually plowed enough for me to get my walker through the snow in the winter. So i try and stock up on everything I need so I won't run out until spring. Today I went to Walmart and spent another $50. I can't get a lot at one time as I have to be able to walk it home on my walker. This limits just how much I can get in one trip. So this week I have been dipping into the insurance savings and shopping. I am about three quarters done. I have enough cleaners and toiletries to last until spring now. The next month I will concentrate on food. Pantry foods I can store. I need to be prepared as I have a feeling this is going to be a bad winter. And if this Monkey Pox materializes into lockdowns ~ I need to be prepared! I'm not struggling through lockdowns like I did with covid. This time I will have everything I need right here in my apartment. I won't even need to leave my unit.

And this is all only if I am alive. I don't plan to be. But it has proven to be very difficult to get my hands on the coveted fentanyl that I need. Probobly because I am always inside my apartment. I never go out. How am I going to find fentanyl if I never leave my apartment? So i am going to have to plan a few days to just hang out downtown Fergus. If the weather is nice I can maybe even enjoy it. A day out. But the goal always is and always will be to get my hands on drugs to end my life. I am that dtermined and that desperate.

I don't plan on being around this winter,... but if I am forced to be then I want to make sure I have what I need to get through it.

Death

Uh-oh,... I happened to see my stats out of the corner of my eye when I opened this and saw that someone has found this blog and has been reading it. I didn't want that. And I worry it was Darren or Tonya. I immediately re-set the setting back to private only to authour. I can't change that it was read,... but it is now closed back up tightly so hopefully noone else can get in to read it. Or maybe I should be glad they read what I REALLY think of them and that I know they are both LIARS and GOSSIPS and spiteful cold-hearted cunts. Both of them have made it their business to make my life hard. DELIBERATELY because they can. Maybe I'm glad they read what I really think of them. 

Anyway,... it has now been shut up tight. I can again write freely exactly how I feel.

I am stuck. I cannot move forward. My apartment is half gone. I threw a lot away over the past few months knowing I wasn't going to be sticking around. I gave some away,... and now my apartment looks bare and depressing. There is nothing on the walls. There are no knick knacks or decorations. There is none of my personality left in this home. After my drama last fall with Darren and him turning everyone against me I crumbled. That was the last straw for me. So I knew I would be leaving this building. It was just how and when. So while I waited I cleaned it out. Got rid of most of my stuff. If my daughters can't stand to be with me in life,... then I'm certainly not leaving them anything in death. If they wanted me,... they knew where I lived. But my doorbell never rang. So FUCK THEM they are not getting anything. i would rather throw our valuable cherished memories in the dumpster than allow them to have them.

But after I did this I realized I am stuck here. I looked for a new place but there isn't one on my budget. So I am now stuck here. In a bare,... beige,... empty apartment. None of my comforts surround me anymore. Nothing in this place even hints at who lives here anymore. It's all gone. Just furniture. If I choose to change my mind and live - I would be starting all over from scratch as I have nothing. I am too old and too tired for that.

So that leaves one option. TO DIE. And THAT is the one and only thing on my mind anymore. Finding a way to die. And make no mistake,... I am NOT BLUFFING. I am so angry and resentful and exhausted living this shitty crappy poverty life that I am miserable. And knowing no one cared enough to help me out of this situation was only more heartbreaking. This year I learned a very valuable lesson. In the end,... people may sympathize,... but in the end,... YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN. And if your too weak ~ which I am now ~ to continue on then you will suffer. And that is exactly what I am doing now. SUFFERING. And knowing what I am coping with and still no one comes just breaks my heart completely. Because this is blatantly saying,... "Your not good enough for me to change my life to help you,..." My daughters would never change thier life to help me. (I'm talking help me move and get outr of this building - maybe into a place with them,...) But my girls don't even like me.

When you walk around knowing you are not only not improtant to anyone,... but worse,... your not even liked,.... it's a hard pill to swallow. And it broke me. And now,... I have no desire what-so-ever of wanting to live another minute. 

All I think about,... is death and dying and how I can achieve that,....

All I want is relief and peace from this struggle. And the only exit from that is DEATH

 I am suffering. I can’t take it. 

I need to slice my throat and die!

 It's the middle of the night,.... I am so uncomfortable,.... Hot and cold,.... shivering but sweating,... but not sick. I'm sure its nerves. My nerves are raw and are excruciating. 

I have a scalpel right here and I am willing myself fto use it. To slice my throat so I can finally be released from this poverty.

I need to slit my throat

I do not feel safe living here anymore

I have tried uploading this video to this blog but it doesn't want to let me. But it is a doorbell clip of one of the tenants that live in this building. He is wearing headphones and he is holding his head and mumbling under his breath. He is aimlessly walking around infront of my door which is what my doorbell camera captured.   

    

https://www.instagram.com/p/C-20vaTu2CFHXZxFuIA-LN5cpV5qBNAHd8jwks0/

 

He is a Traverse Patient which means he is a brain injury patient. I get this. I am not a cold hearted person. I understand he has deficits.

But since the day I moved in here to Government Housing, it has been one person after another. Addicts,... alcoholics,... mental health patients,... brain injury patients,.... From day one I (and everyone else in this building) has had to put up with one or two tenants that are beyond annoying and harrassing. First it was Stephen,.... the Gary,... then Zeva,.... now this Keith or Kevin or whatever his K name is. I put this clip on instagram with a caption "I don't feel safe living here. just one of many trenants that leave me unsettled"

Someone wrote back that have I tried being nice to him and talking to him? Maybe he didn't imply it, but it sure did sound like he was saying don't be a cold hearted cow. He has issues so give him a break and be nice to him. 

So I want to set the record strait. I am not uncaring. Infact this particular person was aggressive and threatening to me and two others a few months back.  I didn't confront him or have any contact with him at all about it. Instead I quietly went in and spoke with his caregiver and then I let it go. So I have been patient with this person in the past. Infact,... I have been patient with all of the people in the past. But when you end up with Police banging on your door because these other people live in a different reality and have told the police you are out to kill them,.... not once but MULTIPLE times,... you tend to lose patience fast. These people are INTRUSIVE.

And what men don't seem to think about is,... women are much more vulnerable to these people than they are to men. I am 5 foot 2. I weigh 125 pounds. I am not fully able-bodied and rely on a walker to get around. In short,... when these folks lose it,... and they do ~ often ~ I am not capable of protecting myself physically. So it's frightening!

Also,... this is my HOME. I pay my rent and I deserve not to be harrassed and annoyed by people who don't even live in my reality. I have enough problems of my own. But since I moved in here it has been one person after another bothering me. So I think I have the right to not be so patient with all these people anymore. I HAVE TO LIVE HERE 24/7 and these people have prevented me from feeling safe. I now hide away inside my unit where I know I won't run into them. 

So to the MAN who wrote that commnet on Instagram? I don't know if you meant for me to feel badly about that post. But I did feel bad. But I don't have the patience anymore. These folk have made living in my own building immpossible and miserable. 

Let me be clear,.... I DO NOT FEEL SAFE LIVING HERE IN THIS BUILDING ANYMORE.

But theres not a damn thing I can do about it. But to have to deal with it and then have comments like try being nice to him????? as if I'm a cold bitch for complaining,..? Then I challenge you to spend 3 months living here with me. You will change that mind in a hurry. And YOU too will find yourself hiding inside to avoid the people who live here. Which is impeding on my quality of life. I am forced to hide in isolation!!!! Thats not living,... thats hiding. And I already can't walk far or have a car to get away so I am TRAPPED!

I am very patient and kind on a normal basis. But day in and day out,... I have had enough and don't feel safe anymore. I just want and need out of this building. Even if I have to DIE to do it!!

When you have no joy in your life at all to begin with, and nothing to look forward to anymore. Then having THIS stuff on top of poverty and pain and isolation just makes life unbearable. I USED to be kind and caring and patient,... but life has sucked that right out of me now,...

 She got home at two o'clock this afternoon from her holidays and I already just caught her in the hall talking about me. I heard my name,... the word doorbell camera and "she said into it,...." and I heard Ann say who? and she said "Jacquie,..." So this woman isn't even home three hours and she is already causing me trouble. I am of course talking about the gossip,.... So now Ann thinks I have been out and about talking to Tonya through her doorbell camera,.... ?????? If you remember I was waiting at the elevator minding my own business when her doorbell camera came on and she said something to me. I deadpanned the exact sentence back to let her know I heard her. I think she accidently hit the audio button while watching me on the camera. So when she talked she didn't realize it was being broadcast over her doorbell camera for the whole floor to hear. Now apparently she is telling everyone that I stood infront of her door and just started talking into the camera. ???? Hello,.... not 12 years old,... not going to play these games. She can tell people I murdered someone and I don't give a shit anymore. I just hope that the people she is dissing me to know that she is a liar and a gossip. But do you see what I mean by I can't live in this building anymore????? She has made it her MISSION ~ to target me with all these little lies. becasue she knows she can and people will listen. If infuriates me but I am walking away. I nearly walked out into the hall to let her see me so she would get that I just heard every single word she just LIED to Ann. But I didn't. Because I am not 12 and I don't play on playgrounds. But her talking smack is really pissing me the fuck off. I have never understood what she is so obsessed with me for???? Why can't she just leave me alone and shut her big fat cunty mouth????? It's folks like this that annoy me. They get away with shit like this and the person being gossiped about gets shit on,... It's not fair but it's life and unfortunately it is rampant in this building. Gossip,... lies,.... revenge,.... gossip,..... the mentality of people who live in this government housing can be as nasty as fuck. I have never had to deal with people so focused on hurting others than I have living here. TONYA HALLS,... get a fucking life and stop lying about me to everyone here in the building. 

YOUR A CUNT!!!!!!!!! And you make living her miserable!

I am so done

Another run-in. This time with the evil kid down the hall. I was actually having a good day. Despite waking up in a lot of pain ~ which I was expecting as I have been going overboard with cleaning. So my right arm/shoulder has been on fire today. But I am experiencing high anxiety so I need to keep moving. So I have been cleaning again. I took a couple T1's as well as a couple robaxacet. This along with my vape is keeping me numb enough I can't feel pain. I am taking advantage of this and doing more cleaning. The kitchen specifically. I did a deep scrub. Infact as I type this my oven is on self-clean. I am an OCD goddess today! 

And it was while I was cleaning that I heard Darren raging again. I have my door propped open as the oven is smoking and smells while I have it on self-clean. I am trying to keep all the windows and doors open so the fire alarm doesn't go off. So unfortuantely I heard Darren kick the big fire door down on the first floor. He must have kicked it as the noise was a huge reverberating BOOM throughout the whole building. I walked to my open unit door wondering what it was. Thats when I heard Darren yell at the top of his lungs "Fuuuuuuuuck OOOOOOfffffffffffff!!!!I mean the whole entire building heard it. Then he just kept raging from there. When he smashed the fire door on our floor I yelled "Shut up". And we had a bit of a loud exchange (which is all on video). The last thing he yelled was "Go and fucking kill yourself". I mean this guy is just a low-life degenerate. he will say whatever he needs to say to hurt you. He goes right to the jugular. I have had enough of walking on eggshells in this building for fear of running into him. And THIS is why,... he just rages and yells and says the nastiest things to hurt people. I have had enough. I will be writitng a report to housing. i don't normally get involved in shit like this but I want these run-ins to start being documented. A few minutes later I heard him scream "I am calling the cops on you" or something with the word cops in it. I hope he does. it will give me the opportunity to show them the video of what people in our building have to put up with. His raging has been a problem since the day he moved in. I don't know if it's illegal,... I doubt it,.... but telling someone to go and kill themselves really is evil. I wonder what the cops would think if they saw this video.

I am so done.  

The worst part of my days are that they are loooooong,...... way too long. I spend all my time trying to find things to do to fill up all the empty hours. You can only watch so much tv before you have seen everything and then just start watching reruns. Anything I used to do cost money and or needs transportation. Neither of which I have. So I end up in my apartment alone watching tv hour after hour after hour. It's mind numbing!! I feel like my brain is turning to mush.

But today was one of the rare days that I was well enough to walk and the weather was perfect so I was able to get out for a walk. I went to WalMart, the dollar store and Freshco. I dipped into my saved money and got gorceries. I have been hearing a lot on the news of late about this Mpox. And I am a wee bit concerned that there may be lock-downs again in our future. I sure do hope not as I think this world is truly done and over with lock-downs! But I struggled during covid and all the lockdowns as my fridge and pantry were almost empty when it started. I had no reserves or stockpiles of anything. I ended up having to ration the food I had. This time I plan on being more prepared. With winter coming as well ~ a time I can almost never get out ~ it is time to start stock piling. Pantry foods and frozen foods mainly. The last thing I want is to have to struggle through another lockdown without groceries. I went to 3 different stores today. Becasue I don't have a car and have to walk I have to come home in-between each store to put away the stuff I bought. You can only carry so much on a walker. I always have to end up doing it in seperate trips. Inconvenient and sometimes hard work. but today the weather was perfect. So I took advantage and did as much as I could. Now I have my freezer and pantry about half stocked. I hope to keep making more trips over the next month. Once the wet and cooler weather comes I can't always get out.  

I was on my way outside today when I was standing infront of the elevator waiting to go down to the lobbly. The way the floorplan is the gossips door is driectly infront of the elevator. This means her doorbell camera sees everyone who uses the elevator. You can't excape her camera. She is on holiday and not home so I haven't even been bothering to record myself when I leave my unit. But today,... while I was standing there waiting for the elevator,... she must have been watching on her app wherever she is and she hit the speaker and started mouthing off to me! She's not even home!!! Yet, she is still spying on everyone on our floor. When she saw me she couldn't resist hitting the speaker and being a jerk. Is her life that boring that she has to watch her doorbell camera while shes away camping?? I'm sorry but as mean as it is to say,... that's just being a cunt. A nosy cunt. There is no need to harrass me through your doorbell camera when your not even in town! I just found it annoying. I still can't stand living here and I will do whatever it takes including death to get out of here.

Today I put the word out to a few people that I am looking for pain meds. I told them I don't have a doctor and the walk in doesn't prescribe painkillers ~ which is actually true ~ so I am forced to look for pain relief from the street. So a few of the gazebo folk said they would ask around. I really just have this overwhelming desire to die. I just feel like I am rotting in Gods waiting room ~ just waiting,.....

and the waiting is just getting too hard now.

I completely gave up yesterday. I had a meltdown where I was a heap on the floor sobbing my little heart out. It left me exhausted. Empty,... hollow,... and I knew in that moment that I had nothing left and I was done. After years of this struggle I have hit my wall and I can't go on anymore. I am EMPTY.

I have deleted all subscribers to this blog assuring myself that I am writing in complete secrecy. Now, I can speak my truth.

All I think about now is killing myself. I have a scalpel and I have it sitting on the table beside me now. I took it out of it's secret spot yestserday and I now have it within arms reach. All I think about now is taking that scalpel and slicing my throat.

I am not normally a violent person. Infact, I have never hit anyone in my life. I am never violent to others. I am harmful to myself. I am a self-harmer. When there is drama,... I don't go after the person involved,... I go after myself. If I am in crisis,... I self-harm. When I am angry in a situation I self-harm,....I hate myself so I need to hurt myself.

I am not a threat to anyone but myself. Thats why I am so frustrated with my situation with Darren and Tonya here in my building. After doing nothing but HELPING them for the first few years I was living here,... until I realized I was being used and stopped giving. They took revenge and shit on me. In a BIG way to the point where I can't live here anymore. The two of them - who hate each other - got together to team up and lie together about me. To this day I still don't even know what they were telling people. I stopped listening and ran inside my unit and didn't come out. To this day I still isolate myself away inside my unit. So I don't know the lies that they circulated but I felt them. The dirty looks from everyone,... Ann,.... the old lady down the hall once actually sucked herself up into a corner in fear when I tried to say hello to her. She then phoned her husband to come and get her and bring her back to their unit safely. ?????? What the hell did they tell people?????? 

You can't fight that type of revenge. I have been shit on and can't get back to any place of peace. I am going to come right out and say it no matter how unpopular it will make me sound. Darren Green is an evil individual who needs psycological help. His depth of revenge was cruel. And Tonya needs to grow up and learn to have a life of her own and stop dragging innocent folk into her drama. She has a mouth the size of her obese body. And she never shuts it. She literally just sits outside and gossips about everyone and eveything. And when I stopped lending things to her that never came back she got upset and started a hate campaigne against me that has left me isolated and alone in my apartment not wanting to come out anymore. My life in this building is ruined because of Darren Green traumatizing his cat and me trying to save it. THATS when it all started. I should never have called the police and he never would have gotten furious. Because of this one situation,... my life here in this building has been irreparably ruined. AND HE STILL HAS HIS CAT!!! So I didn't even save his cat in the end. It infuriates me that people like this in life get away with the shit they do and the good people they take revenge on suffer. It's not fair. And what I learned from this is that I will never help anyone ever again. I was used and taken adavantage of by both Tonya Halls (who borrowed and took on a weekly basis!!!) and Darren Green who destroyed my reputation. HE BEATS HIS CAT and comes out the hero while my reputaion was crucified,.... that seems to be the morals of our society now. And thats to say the good get shit on and the shitty people get what they want,.... all I can hope is that someday Darren Green will get what he deserves. It won't be by me as I don't agree with an eye for an eye,... that just starts wars. But hopefully someday someone will give that evil boy what he deserves. I have never seen anyone be so low as to do the things that boy did,... he should be ashamed of himself. But he's not at all. Infact he is PROUD of destroying me. He likes that he WON. And I went home and self-harmed as I always do. He liked that he has driven me inside my aprtment and I dont' come out,... He once told me that his mother said to him "You will never live a normal life because of his anger and raging all the time". I didn't think it was a nice thing for a mother to say to her son. I thought it kind of cruel. But now I understand what she meant. Darren Green is so cruel and 'ragey' that he hurts people and they leave. He has lived here for over 5 years and I never met anyone from his family as they don't talk to him. I thought THAT was kind of sad but now I know why. He probobly treated his family badly too and now they don't have him in their lives. I know he said his sister is horrible and he hates her. Now I believe he is lying and she is probobly a nice person that HE shit on and now he hates. There is a pattern here. Darren has bad endings with people and burns the bridge to that relationship so badly people hate him. And thats just what he did with me. All the help I gave him,.. all the meals I gave him,... all the Christmas gifts and birthday gifts because noone eles ever even acknowledged his birthdays. I was like his mother and actually cared for him. And then in one day he turned evil and destroyed me without blinking an eye. First his family,... then Dylan,... then Lee,.... then that whole family that sounds like they did nothing but HELP him. He is a boy who bites the hand that feeds him and that is why his mother is right. He will never live a normal life. And that is the only revenge I am going to have. That his life is miserable and he spends his day raging and angry. That can't be a nice life. He is a very dark individual. And until he leaves this building or I do,... life will be unbearable. So I have to leave. And because I haven't got the money to move anywhere else the answer will have to be suicide.

I can't live in this building one more day. But if i can't move then i guess I die.

And today I sit here with my scalpel only two feet away on the table. And I keep looking at it. Trying to build up the courage to take that scalpel and run the blade hard across my throat. Severing my artery to bleed out. And finally find the peace I have so desperately been looking for,.... how sad that the only option I had was SUICIDE

The police were here. They didn't stay long. I know exactly what to say now. And within 5 minutes they were gone.

I had a thereapy appointment this morning that didn't go well. I don't know why I have them in the first place as they don't help my situation. When the appointment started I honestly didn't know what to say. There is nothing new. It has all been said before. Over and over again. So this morning when we started I had nothing to say. So I told her I didn't need her services anymore. She asked how I was and I told her the brutal truth. I just want to be dead.

Becasue she sent the police that is the end of that. No more therapy. Infact,... i left a message with my lawyer I won't be needing them either. now they are just causing me problems not help.

So that is that,... no more lawyer. And I am ANGRY! That yet again they sent POLICE as help.

FUCK YOU ALL!

Go ahead and blame poverty and this social mess on me being mental. So of course the only answer is throw me in Homewood. 

NEVER!

So fuck you all,.... I'm done.