I give up

I feel like I am entering the end of my life. It's a general feeling throughout my whole being. Lately my thoughts have moved from the problems in my life that I can't seem to solve,... to a quiet acquiescene of acceptance that my life has been a failure and it's disintigrating right before my eyes.

And noone sees me falling so noone is coming to save me

And resigning to this downfall has left me melancholy. Reflective,... Because no matter how I view my life,... it wasn't a good life.

My mental illness (that noone ever let me forget I had) took everything and everyone from me. I didn't fit into this society and no matter where I was in my life ~ I felt it. I could feel people knew I was different. And no matter how hard I tried to fit in - I was different - and not in a good way. 

I just didn't seem to know how to fit it. And this has left me with an existential rejection that leaves me feeling such deep sorrow and sadness that I feel physical pain in my chest. A heartache that won't stop.

My family sees me as a monster. They don't use that word but in putting up a wall and not allowing me in has left me feeling like one. And this feeling I don't know what to do with. The over-powering pain is so deep it has changed me into a recluse who is afraid to even meet people as I know I will just eventually do something wrong and they will leave.

I am always alone.

And this has left me feeling something I can't even put into words. A deep lonliness,... a deep longing for loved ones who don't even want to try to 'like' you. Your just a mentally ill annoyance that ruined their lives,... you apologize but they don't want you back. What more could I have done?

I was not suppose to be born. I was a mistake after two teenagers got pregnant on New Years Eve 1962. Noone wanted me. I came about by accident. And I have felt 'not wanted' for the rest of my life. The only great years were my childhood with the Morgan family. From the time they adopted me at a year and a half old, to around 13 or 14. That was such a great time for me. It was the only time I felt uncondionally loved and actually wanted. It was probobly the only time I felt safe. 

But it didn't last. 

As an adult I was like a gypsy wandering through life. I have moved 24 times,... I have lived all over Ontario before I ended up here in British Columbia. But I could never put down real roots anywhere as I never felt I belonged. I always had that 'feeling' that noone really liked me. I can't tell you how awful that feeling is to never 'be good enough' and eventually dumped and abandoned. I have been dumped by so many people in life I can't help but feel like a monster.

So why would I continue to struggle. My RV is going to need $1000 just to fix all these issues. To make it insulated enough for me not to be cold anymore. BUT THE MONEY IS ALL GONE! I just wear 2 or 3 layers of clothes and winter hats and gloves. It's not fun and I hate it. 

But damn is it cold in here,..... brrrrrrr,.....

I make so many phone calls looking for help but I just get the run around. "We can't help with that but maybe this number can,..." but they can't. And so I spend my days feeling like an invisable ghost that noone sees.

How can you feel any self worth when the world thinks your a monster who is too horrible to even let me see my grandchild,...

I feel nothing but self hatred 

If my family don't even care that I am struggling,.... then what am I struggling for? They not only don't want to know _ they hope I fail so they can be 'right',... so sad,...

I am a soul that was never meant to be born. And because I was, I had no place. I never fit in anywhere,....

Noone saw any good in me - just a monster. 

And that has left a pain so deep,... I just can't bear it.

There was never a place for me on this planet and I always felt it.

It was not a nice feeling at all. And it never went away,...