The woman who hit me with her car was video taping me???

I have been so frustrated the past few days I haven't felt like writing. My heart is losing motivation for everything I do. I just can't seem to make a life out of sitting infront of the tv for 18 hours a day. I have lost the will to live. Every morning I wake up, I feel disappointed I didn't die during the night. That would be so nice. To die peacefully in my sleep and escape this existence of just breathing.

Today when I woke up it was bright and sunny out. I new it wasn't going to get too warm but it was above freezing and thats good enough for me. I have been cooped up inside here for awhile. Canada is having a very long winter. So when I saw the nice weather I knew I had to get outside. So I did a grocery list and walked to Walmart. It was cold, but it still felt good to be outside.

As I was walking towards the intersection, something odd happened. A white car drove by me. We looked at each other (I thought nothing of it) and I looked away and continued walking. But this car then STOPPED. Opened their door and started video taping me. I mean she didn't even pull over. She just put her car in park - opened her door - stuck her phone up at me and started filming. I was about 100 feet away from the intersection now so I continued to walk away from her towards the intersection. I got to the intersection and stood waiting and saw she was STILL filming. It had now been about 2 minutes of her filming me. (???) When they didn't stop, I shrugged my shoulders and put my hands up as if to say "who are you and why are you taping me?" but they didn't answer. Just continued taping. Now a truck had pulled up behind her and was honking. She didn't stop so I started to walk over towards her. She was starting to casue a scene,... people had now stopped to look at what was going on. At the side of the road but directly across form her, I again asked who are you and why are you taping,... no answer.

 Then it hit me,.... it's ****** *******. 

The woman who hit me with her car last year. WTF? 

Why would the woman who ran me over be taping me. I noticed she had been watching me as I was still walking to the intersection. So I think she thinks I am faking to insurance or something. But lady,... it's been over a year. I CAN WALK! I am allowed to walk. I am not faking anything. But she had this angry look on her face and she just glared at me and taped. Finally the guy behind her in the truck forced her to shut her door and drive off. She was actually holding up all the traffic. 

That was so weird. But these are the type of people I am dealing with. Instead of remorse,... they try and make your life harder,... She (and her friend - my enemy - Tonya) do not understand business. I am suing her - but it is business. Both of them women have taken it personally and it looks like they are trying to "get me back" (???) I don't know,... you would have to ask them two as I have no clue what they are ever up to. They are like two children - mean girls on the playground. 

If I ran someone over with my car,... i would be mortified. I would certainly not blame the person I hit or try and make their life difficult. I would feel terrible I hurt them!! But not this woman. 

So I sent an email off to my lawyer describing this weird thing that just happened. Did she just accidently run into me or was she stalking me like Tonya did looking on the internet for all my socails??  It's getting a bit creepy now. 

I am a person who keeps myself to myself and just likes to be left alone. But since I moved here that seems to be immpossible.

I get paid in a few days. And I will have more money to add to my escape fund. Not too much longer now and 

NONE OF THIS SHIT WILL EVEN MATTER!

Because I will be gone,....

I have nothing left to live for but DEBT created by my government just for breathing Suicide is the only answer now

Sooo,... on top of STATCAN now phoning me once or twice a day to do this fucking survey, I now have a debt company after me. 

So this morning I did a poll. The pros and cons of living

There were ZERO pros,... - not one - so life is empty

and there were 14 cons - all debt and threats from the government and companies

SO WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL ALIVE?

what a joke,... my life is hiding - from Tonya Halls the gossip trying to evict me and it's working

a debt from the governemnt just for being alive and breathing ~ I guess it costs over $5000 for me to breath now ~ atleast thats what the government thinks and apparently they are now after me for this. I owe another $8000 to the courts for a case during covid lockdown where my ex took me to court to stop my spousal payments and he did. I lost my spousal payments and now owe the courts,... I owe ODSP over $4000,... it just keeps adding up and is now over $50,000.00!!!!!!! Just to breath. I did not buy anything or take out any service. I just breathed and these bills were applied to me.

debt collectors are now after me

I can't afford to live one more fucking day in this society that only appreciates MONEY. Your worth is how much money you have. And since I don't have any - I have no worth.

so long world 

I am GLAD to be gone and finally find peace away from this world that only wants money from me.

If thats all I am worth to this society then my time here is done

ZERO  reasons to stay,.... GOODBYE

Canadian government - you should be ashamed for forcing people to commit suicide because you force us to do surveys we refuse to do and you tax us right out of living,... not to mention your measly $1380 a month to live on - noonce can live on that and EVERYONE knows it. Not even going to try anymore,....

Right now the kindest thing I can do for everyone involved is DIE.

And so die I will,...

fuck you - I'm so fucking done

And I die never even meeting my granddaughter,.... what a wasted life I had,... I am just a waste

 

You can't put me in jail if I'm dead

Just as I was beginning to believe that STATCAN had forgotten about me, they started up again last week. 3 letters in the mail and multiple (harrassing) emails threatening me to do this damn labour survey. Then,... I got a phone call today. I cannot understand how they can FORCE people to fill out a survey. So I told them exactly what I thought. 

"I am a 61 yr old disabled recluse on ODSP. I no longer work or have a job and haven't in years. So they don't need my opinion on labour. I live a miserable existence on your ODSP so I'll tell you what,... I'll fill out your survey when I get more than one meal a day and NOT go hungry,... because the Ontario Government doesn't give me enough to survive. When I get enough to LIVE - not just exist and breath - I'll fill out your survey. Until then,... I am angry at the government and I will not do them any favours until I am no longer HUNGRY. And if thats not good enough then come and arrest me"

Ok,... in hindsight it probobly wasn't wise to challenge the government. But it's true. WHY should I do them this survey when they won't listen to me asking for help? I believe in this so strongly I will go to jail if they show up at my door. But hopefully someone will call the media to let people know that the Canadian Government will throw a disabled person in jail for making a political stand. Look at the crap I have gone threw this past year just because of my government. So NO,... I will NOT fill out your survey. And I WILL go to jail to make a point. Besides,... in jail I get 3 meals a day and I don't have bills to pay. I can just save,.. save,... save,... so go ahead and arrest me. I might just be better off. At least I would get all the medical visits to a doctor I would need. THATS how fucked up the Canadian government is. They would rather use force and dictatorship than allow someone to make a political stand. And it's just a survery!!!!!!! Just move on to someone else who WANTS to fill it out. I don't know what the big deal is here and why they are so addamant I HAVE to fill this out or I get fined or jailed. It's ridiculous. They have lost sight of all common sense.

I guess we wait and see what happens now. 

I hate my government now. They have ruined my life,....

Again I would rather just end my life than deal with the nonsense of beurocracy. 

Fuck them all

You can't put me in jail if I'm dead

I just don't have it in me anymore

I am having a hard time today. I really have given up. I had the flu over the past two days. It was really miserable. Being sick is hard. Being sick when you live alone and have noone to help? Is even worse. I spent about 12 hours vomiting off and on. Then I fell asleep. You know when you have had the flu and your at the point where your just on the cusp of turning the corner for the better. Your stomach feels slightly hungry but your still not completely well so food is questionable? You still don't feel strong enough to get out of bed. It really is nice to have someone to do things for you. Someone to make me tea and toast or whatever it is I need to feel better. When you live alone,... you have to cope on your own. And up until last year that wasn't much of a problem. But this past year,... I have gone so downhill that I can't even look after myself when I am sick. So I just lay in bed - waiting to feel better. It took 2 days. 

And this has left me feeling despondant. Because this is the realization of what my future is going to be like. I am older now and my health is deteriorating on top of the deficeits in my arm and hands from the accident. It has left me DEPENDENT. I can no longer do the things I need to look after myself.

Laying in bed feeling nauseuas and wanting gravol but it's in the cupboard in the kitchen and your feeling too sick to get out of bed to get it,.... ditto for tea or ginger ale,.... it was a miserable two days. And now I can see I am going to have to face this every time I am sick. I don't want to do that. It's absolutely miseable to be sick and have to fend for yourself. 

So today I have woken up and just been severely depressed all day. I know my future is bleak and I just don't have it in me to live anymore. It's just too hard,...

So I am back to suicide. As soon as I feel well enough I am out there to do what I need to do. I can't wait any longer. I have hit a wall and I just can't go on,...

I can't,....

I just don't have it in me anymore,....... 

Ontario Housing was not worth the bullshit they put me through - they can have their fucking unit back

I woke up to nonsense. Living in this building is ridiculous. I was up most of the night as my arm and hand are bothering me too much to fall asleep. I finally ended up crawling into bed arond five this morning. But I was awoken to the smell of fresh tobacco smoke wafting into my apartment. It is from Scott two doors down from me in 309. He has been doing this for years. He was already been evicted ONCE from this building for smoking but they took him back. So with his history, why aren't they harrassing HIM instead of me? I am not smoking. I don't even smoke tobacco. But here we were at 10:15 in the morning and the whole third floor hall is full of smoke.

Personally ~ I dont' give a shit. Who smokes in what unit. Quite frankly it's none of my business what people do in their units as long as it doesn't effect me. But now,... his smoking is effecting me. Tonya and Anne are using HIS smoking to accuse me and tattle on ME to housing - but they don't tattle on Scott. They never have??? hmmm,... proves it's a bit of a witch hunt when they only ever tattle on me and never Darren and Scott who are the two who are actually doing the smoking.

So I now have to stoop to their level. I now have to write down every time Scott smokes and then write him up with a note saying it's not me - it's him. So now Tonyas playground games have not only effected me (I have been giving a very threatening letter of eviction) but now, to protect myself, I have to drag Scott into this mess. I dont'want to - but I have to, to save myself.

This is all NONSENSE. Absolute sour grapes from a bored woman who has nothing better to do than harrass others for drama. Noone else tattles on people but Tonya,... Anne and Frances - the three gossip queens of the building. They just aren't happy unless they are tattling on someone. 

But my life is hard enough. Having had Tonya harrassing me for the past 8 years has just been the hair that broke the camels back. 

I don't get Christmas,...

I dont' get family or friends,...

I live my life in pain,...

I live my life in poverty,...

All of that is hard.

But to have this CUNT play school yard games just to entertain herself has left me giving up. Why should I put up with her lies and harrassment? I have never done anything to this woman but try and help her in the beginning. It's only becasue I figured out shes a grifter and stopped answering my door to her knocks that she got offended and has had a hate campaigne agasint me ever since.

I am not a child and I do not appreciate her playing these games.

I have tried writing housing. They literally told me in that phone call to me that theres nothing they can do to stop Tonya and her mean shouting,... and in that very same breath she treatened me with evictin from TONYAS complaint. Sounds a bit biased dont' you think? 

I refuse to live this life any longer. If I am only on this planet for the entertainment of CUNTS like Tonya Halls??? Then it's time to go.

I really don't understand why people are so interested in others lives. WHY does this woman get such pleasure out of hurting others?? It's beyond me,... but I refuse to allow this behaviour any longer. 

YOU CAN'T TATTLE ON A DEAD PERSON!!!! So I guess I just need to be dead,....

What a waste of a life this has been,... I hate waking up in the morning as i know I now have 18 hours of boredom and poverty and pain. I also have the threat of homelessness thrown at me so often I just give up now.

Ontario HOusing - you want to threaten me so much with eviction? Here,... I'll make it easy for you. I'll just die and then you can have your precious fucking apartment back. It wasn't worth the price I paid to live there,...

If your reading this please remember that what you think is innocent gossip and lies actually KILLS PEOPLE!!!! Please don't gossip about others as you have no idea just what they are going through and you may be the last straw for them.... don't be a cunt,... just leave people alone and stay out of their business. 

I hope your happy Tonya. But you will be, won't you? You do think it's funny that I will be dead. Your that kind of cunt,...

If you can save me NOW is the time

I don't feel like writing today. My heart is just not in it. I am losing the motivation to continue living.

I was so excited last week after going to the walkin and getting that referral to the physiatrist. but now that I have had a few days to sort this out, I realize,...

I can't get there 

This doctor has two offices I looked up. One in Toronto and one in Alliston. Both places are a good 2 HOURS DRIVE away from here. How am I going to get there? I live in Fergus. It has no bus service. And our Taxi only has ONE CAR. We don't have Uber as it's such a small town. I have no friends or family to ask. So HOW do I get to this appointment? The answer is,... I can't. There is no way unless someone drives me. And I have noone to ask. 

And as the realization of this has set in over the past week it has left me totally depressed. I again have ZERO choices. I can't fly there. I can't walk there,... but having no car of my own I am helpless.

When health care is this hard - it's time for me to pack it in. I don't want health care that is a two hour drive away. I want a doctor. But that won't happen so I am again shit out of luck.

So I have decided not to bother. If it's this hard to get help,... I' too old and tired to bother.

I need two things.

A doctor to give me a complete physical to get all my issues noted and fixed. 

I need to move out of this building and right out of this town into a place with bus service and taxi's. Without transportation I am just a recluse in my apartment rotting until I die. That isn't living,... thats existing.

I am so done being alone. Having to cope all by myself is just too hard now. I need help. I need my daughters or family to help me now as I just can't do it on my own anymore.

It's funny, but I have a tatoo on my inner left wrist that reads "fight for life". And there have been days I have had to look down at that and remind myself to keep it together and fight. But not today. Today,... sadly,... I give up my fight.

I am 61. I don't have the use of my right arm and hand and my left hand is still left with damage as well. I can't even do simple things like brush my hair or squeeze the toothpaste. I have no strength or dexterity anymore to do these things. My hands are useless to me and after a year of it I am just fed up. I know they aren't getting better. And if I have to hitchhike to a town two hours away just to be seen then I give up.

Every bone and fibre in my body has given up. There is no fight left. So I continue on with my plan of ending my life.

I don't have enough money to even ALMOST have a descent life. I am so poor I have no life.

And my family ~ well they have broken my heart. I am suppose to be in my retirement years. A time of realxing with family and getting to be with your grandchildren. I have none of this.

I am 100% alone. 

Instead of Vancouver, I am going to Toronto. I know the bad areas there. I can get fentanyl no problem. I just need to save enough money for the taxi to Union Station and then the money for a hotel. I also need good weather so next month sounds PERFECT.

I am tired and can't go on,... this two hour trip to see a doctor just sounds like climbing a mountain to me and I just don't have the motivation or energy to bother.

Nope,... I think it's time to finalize these plans and get on with it.

Becasue right now I am just sitting here waiting for Tonya to tattle to housing about one more FALSE complaint and I am homeless,... I can't live like that. Waiting for the ax to fall,...

No,... my life is done and now it's time to go.

I have a date picked and I am now just waiting,....

If you can save me NOW is the time becasue it will soon be too late,..

And I don't want ONE person to say after my death that "if only they knew and could have helped,.."

EVERYONE KNOWS!!!! My family can pretend they don't but they do. They CHOOSE to turn their heads and pretend they didn't know.

I'm done begging them to let me in their lives.

I'm done living with no doctor

I'm done living in poverty

I'm done living in a building where there is a witch hunt trying to get you evicted

I am done LIVING this miserable life

I am done

***********************************

NOW is the time to save me if you can,... because next week will be too late,....

It's been a rough week. I think I had measles. About 10 days ago I started to get a rash. On my torso along the nerve line which would suggest I had gotten shingles again. But over the next 3 days the rash spread everywhere. I was covered in red dots all over. I have had chicken pox,... (in the 1970's) and I have had the measles/mumps/rubella vacination way back in 1970. So I shouldn't be able to get measles. But looking it up,... I see you actually can even if you've been vacinnated. (?) These red dots were SEVERELY itchy. I was having to sit in a bathtub 3 times a day just to help calm the itching. I have gone through a ton of products trying to soothe my skin but nothing has worked. I just had to ride it out. Now I am left with dried up dots all over me. The itch is still there but it's minimal now. I had called 811 for help and they said it sounds like measles but they doubtful I could catch them. In the end I would need a doctor to tell me and becasue I don't have one ~ I guess we'll never know what I had. Whatever it was, it made me very sick. So I am just glad that it has finally gone.  But let me tell you,... I was so sick,.... really, really sick. I told the woman on the 811 health line that I had been in the ER of our local hospital and she thinks I probobly picked something up there. becasue otherwise I never leave my apartment and couldnt' catch anything. It must have been that one time I went to the ER.

I am having problems with my arm and hand. It is getting worse instead of better. I used to be able to find one or two postions I could sit in that allieviated the pain and numbness. But now,... NO position helps relieve anything. Yesterday it got so bad i broke down and went to the walkin. It took me 67 times to get through on the phone but I finally did. The walkin phone lottery - I finally got through. And luckily for me the weather was perfect for walking so I was able to get there no problem. 

This doctor was very helpful. He knew exactly what to do. He referred me to a physiatrist. Someone who works with chronic pain and fibromyalgia patients. I don't even care if he works with accident victims and lawyers (most won't as it involves court cases they dont want to deal with) I just want fixed. Unfortunately the doctor is in Toronto. So I am worried that even with an appointment I won't be able to get there. Nothing is easy in my life - not even getting to a doctors appointment. Maybe I will go to Toronto the night before and get a motel room. That way I am already in Toronto so I can't get lost or be late. I can also get some FENTANYL.

I haven't changed my mind. I still believe that life has priced me right out of living so I DO plan on ending my life. But until I can find fentanyl I have to continue on. Maybe this appontment is a blessing in disguise. I will be right downtown Toronto where I can finally find some fentanyl.

This life is too hard now and I need a rest.

This life is too expensive and I don't have enough to survive

Theres no life for me here anymore,...

I have been itching to tell my neighbour Anne what I think of her tattling on me to housing. But I didn't. Because unlike them,... I don't like antagonizing people and causing trouble for them. I get no reward or benefit from being a tattletale. But Tonya,... QUEEN of tattletales,... has now taken Anne under her wing. And now Anne is her little bitch. Now Anne tattles on me too. (remember my treatening eviction letter a few weeks ago? It was because of Anne and Tonya).

But I let it go for week. But two days ago Tonya came out into the hall when I was out there looking out the window waiting for the Amazon driver. I just could not hold back and I shouted at her that she is a low-life scummy cunt for what she did. Using my mental health blog as a gossip rag to tattle to housing to get me evicted. So below the belt,... so low life scum,... and I told her. I don't usually,... but I wanted her to know that I KNEW IT WAS HER.

And then I have just let it go. I can't worry about the next time she tattles,...I have zero control over that. But I can tell her that I know she is the one who tattled like a 12 year old little girl. She didn't even look at me. She ran to the garbage room. But she heard.

And then today I was walking down the hall on my floor when I saw Anne was doing her laps. Now I had no intention of saying anything to Anne. Shes 89 and looks so frail. (Who would have thought she could turn so nasty??) So I put my head down and looked at the floor as I passed by. It was her fault that she choose to smile at me and ask me how I was doing? If she hadn't said anything I wouldn't have either. But since she was pulling the two faced gossip on me I let her have it. I told her I knew they tattled on me and I didn't appreciate that very much. I looked her in the eye and said "Anne I have never done anything to you,... so why would you tattle on me like that and then smile to my face the next day?" I told her that the punsihment for smoking in my unit is EVICTION. Is that what she wished for me? and when she said no,... I asked,... well what did you think was going to happen if housing thought I smoked in my unit?" She said she didn't know. So I told her. EVICTION. She turned whiter than a sheet and I walked away. As I was walking I shouted "I expected that from Tonya,... but YOU Anne? You really disappointed me by smiling to my face and then nearly getting me evicted by tattling behind my back" school girl games,.... you should be ashamed of yourself

I am so sick of these gossipy little girls on my floor. I keep myself to myself but they still continue to cause me trouble. They will eventually get me evicted. But theres nothing I can do. It's them against me and housing sides with them.  For the life of me,.. I don't understand people who get enjoyment out of trying to make someone HOMELESS. That really is diabolical. 

So now I sit here feeling good for getting that off of my chest to Anne. It's bad enough being a tattle tale but to then smile at my face and pretend is just really shallow.

I need out of this building even more now. 

I walked to the bank today. The weather was better and the snow melted enough I could get my walker on the paths. So I walked all the way downtown to the bank and took out another bunch of cash for my 'vacation' fund. I now have enough that I would be ok to go now. But I want to wait until I have more so I can ENJOY my vacation by not having to scrimp and save all the time. I want to eat REAL FOOD. So I think one more month and then I'll enough to book the hotel and plane.

BC ~ here I come,...

I am not living in this building with a bunch of two faced gossips who think it's a fun game to tattle on everyone. I HATE it here and I refuse to stay. I move - or I die. 

And as we all know I don't have enough for rent anywhere in Canada so,.... death.

But I don't care anymore. I'm looking forward to it now. Now that I know an end is in sight and I don't have to put up with the shit in this building soon,... I feel better. 

Knowing peace is coming gives me the strength to wait one more month.

And then,... BC,... vacation,... fentanyl,... peace.

All I wanted was a fucking doctor

 All I wanted was a 

fucking doctor

who would have thought that was just too fucking hard

but it was

and I am ending my life

because of it

fuck you Canada

All I wanted was a DOCTOR

 TIME TO DIE

I had the worst fucking night of my life last night. The pain,... the numbness,... was out of control and unbearable. 

I will not spend one more night in pain like that.

Last night proved to me that no help is ever coming - I needed it last night but it wasn't there.

I am done.

Today I make plans to go

I am NEVER spending one more night in that kind of pain ever again because now

I WILL BE DEAD

I make plans today becasue this pain is now unbearable and noone seems to be able to help

no help = SUICIDE

fuck you all for not caring or giving one fucking shit

Now you don't have to care 

I'll be gone by the time the week is over. And just knowing that I wasn't good enough for ONE FUCKING PERSON to pick up the phone and help me see a doctor. But noone did becasue I am hated and noone likes me. Never have I ever felt so alone and unwanted in my fucking life,.....

I JUST NEED TO DIE

No help after a year = suicide I hate you CANADA

I had the worst fucking night of my life last night. The pain,... the numbness,... was out of control and unbearable. 

I will not spend one more night in pain like that.

Last night proved to me that no help is ever coming - I needed it last night but it wasn't there.

I am done.

Today I make plans to go

I am NEVER spending one more night in that kind of pain ever again becasue now

I WILL BE DEAD

I make plans today becasue this pain is now unbearable and noone seems to be able to help

no help = SUICIDE

fuck you all for not caring or giving one fucking shit

Now you don't have to care 

I'll be gone by the time the week is over. And just knowing that I wasn't good enough for ONE FUCKING PERSON to pick up the phone and help me see a doctor. But noone did becasue I am hated and noone likes me. Never have I ever felt so alone and unwanted in my fucking life,.....

I JUST NEED TO DIE

 So I am sitting here in tears - desperate ready to take a knife and cut my arm off.

It is getting worse. I can't feel it at all now. I get no relief. I can't sleep. I cna't get comfortable.

I NEED FUCKING HELP

I am on the computer trying to find help. It's nearly midnight and I can't take one more night of this pain and numbness and tingling.

I can't take it one more night

But I don't know what to do. WHO do I call. I can't call 911 for an issue I have3 had for a year. 

I dont' have a doctor

I can't get into the wlak in

so what the fuck am i suppose to do!!!

I am sitting here with a knife and I jsut want to die

noone cna help me

I have nowhere to get relief\

I can't take this one more night

I need to cut my fucking arm off so I can finally feel it

I am going MAD with this 

I need ghlep

OI need help

I need hoep

I just wan tott cut off this fucking arm and die

 Im fucking miserable

cant live like this

goodbye

Still can't feel my fucking arm!

I am absolutely exhausted. I haven't had any sleep becasue of my arm and these damn shingles. The itch from the shingles is driving me mad leaving me with no patience at all. I'm fed up and overwhelmed. On top of this, I still can't feel my right arm. I am right handed so this is causing big problems. It is numb and tingly from fingertips all the way up to my shoulder. Everything I do I have to do in installments. Type 3 sentences and then stop and shake my arm out to get some feeling back. Then I type another couple of lines until it quickly goes numb again and I have to shake it out again. It never goes away! And after a year - I can't take it anymore.

And I'm really angry at my lawyer. He offered me physiotherapy - but only if I use HIS company. This office obviously only works with one company and if they don't have what you need? Then I guess your shit out of luck. I guess you just don't get physio then. Because it's been a year and I still can't feel my arm. And NO PHYSIO!! They had offered ONE option. The woman who they sent did not know about firbromyalgia and manipulating a body with fibro can set you back YEARS and throw you into being completey out of commission. I don't know why they only use one. But what they should have done was call around and find me someone who DID umderstand fibro. I looked around and some do and some don't. 

If they don't have what I need they just left me to suffer with no feeling in my arm. And I guess it's my job now to find a physiotherapist.  

I cannot explain just how uncomfortable and annoying it is to not feel your arm. Things I pick up - I drop because I can't feel my hand holding it. I have broken more dishes because of this. I can't hold a phone,... I can't even push my walker as holding the handles makes my hand and arm numb. In short,... I may as well only have one arm. My right one is useless to me.

And obviously I am not going to get the help I need for this. 

MY ARM AND HAND WILL ALWAYS BE NUMB FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE

Sorry, but I cna't live that way. I am overwhelmed with this. 

WHY can't I get anyone to help me????????

I have been so angry and depressed and overwhelmed. I just can't take it anymore.

So I am going to set my plan in motion. SOONER rather than later now. Now I can see I am never going to have the use of this arm. If I was - it would have happened by now. And knowing this, why prolong the suffering. Becasue this is SUFFERING! 

I am deadly serious. 

Time to kill myself and find some peace

You can't live your life with a hand and arm you can't feel. I WON'T live a life like that. I instead CHOOSE DEATH.

So,.... I'm done

But I leave so fucking angry at this society that I have been left to fend for myself and suffer. I HATE this world right now and I can't wait to leave it.

Roll on fentanyl. It's the only answer now.

I cannot live with the deficits this car accident left me in. It has completey RUIN ED MY LIFE! To the point that all I want to do is DIE.

So don't go calling the police. You won't be helping. You will just be forcing me to suffer for many more years to come. And I REFUSE to do that. WHY SHOULD I SUFFER jsut because I have no doctor? It's not right and it's not fair and I am so fucking angry about it I am just going to die to get out of this fucking mess this accident has left me in.

Don't call the police. They can't help me,... apparently NOONE CAN

Life with no health care is just too hard

Life with no doctor. I have had whatI thought was shingles for the past week. But a few days ago this rash started spreading all over. Mainly my back, neck and torso. And right now they are literally driving me mad with itch. It looks like heat rash but I can't say for sure. All I know is that I woke up with me scratching my skin to the point it is raw.

This is where I get so frustrated. A 'normal' person would just call their doctor, make an appointment and go in. But I don't have a doctor and the walk in is so busy I can never get through. And if by chance I did get through, I don't ahve transportation. We only have ONE taxi in our town so it's difficult to time any appointments as the taxi can take up to 45 minutes to arrive. So instead of getting help, I have been forced to just put up with it. And that is what I do with all my ailments. I have to put up with them.

I am 61 now. An age where your health starts to deteriorate. I have over a dozen things I need looking into but can't. So unlike the lucky folks with a doctor,... I have to jump through hoops to get any help.

I called 811 which is Ontarios health line. But it was just a nurse practitioner - not a doctor. And you can't show them the rash. You can just describe it. So in the end, she told me to go get it looked at. 

 *** sigh ****

 If only it were that easy,...

I never feel well anymore. I am always feeling 'off'. I can't quite pinpoint how. I just feel 'off'.

I DESPERATLEY NEED A DOCTOR!!!!!!!!!

I need a full physical with a complete blood draw. Something is not right in my body and it hasn't been in a few years. And I am suffering because I don't have health care available to me. 

I'm so fed up with life right now. My court case will end with me getting nothing as I have no medical records and noone to write a letter for me. SO I LOSE AGAIN! 

I can't help think that maybe it's just time to go,... forget BC,... forget a vacation,... just go to Guelph. Find fentanyl and overdose. Because I am suffering. And it is not fun. It wears you down and leaves you exhausted and suicidal. I just can't do it anymore.

So I think I will moving things up.

I think it's time

I have spent the past two days in bed. So depressed I can't even bother getting up anymore. For what????

So I really do think it is time,...

I have been priced right out of living

Big game today. Manchester United play in the fifth round of the FA Cup. This is a big deal to us football fans. It's one of the biggest football tournaments in the world. My other team (TFC) lost 4-2 yesterday on their second game of the season. Hmmmm,... I love Toronto FC, but,... they just seem to be struggling the past few years. They really haven't had a good season in 5 or 6 years. But it's a brand new season now so I will just cross my fingers and hope they see an improvement.

While I wait for the game, I am sitting here with my coffee watching Youtube. One of the things I enjoy watching, is people living off-grid way out in the middle of nowhere. There are thousands of Youtubers who video their day to day living in little log cabins or old beat up houses they renovate. I have 3 or 4 that I follow. I would love to live off-grid away from the world. But at my age with my mobility issues I couldn't do it now. But if I had to live my life all over again,... I would never get married,... I would have worked my butt off and socked a bunch of money away and then gone to live way up in northern Ontario somewhere. I have to admit I, myself, am a little too princess to live completely off-grid. I would have done it years ago when I was young and fit but now,... I wold definitely need running water and a working toilet. I could live with a wood stove (I have before). If I won the lottery I would definitely buy a little home and live by myself with a bunch of dogs and a cat. One can dream,...

But because that dream has passed my by, I am therefore relegated to watching people live this lifestyle. One of my favourite Youtubers is "Skote Outdoors". This guy has travelled extensively and has lived off-grid all over. I love watching him come to a place that is raw and natural and turn it into his little homestead. There is nothing more satisfying to me than watching a big project like this come together. I have renovated 3 homes (while still married) so I know a bit about DIY. But these off-grid guys take it to a whole other level. And because I am trapped here inside my apartment and can't do it myself, I try and live vicariously through these folks on YouTube. It's fascinating to see how they build things. How they cope with bad weather and other things that go wrong. I admire their tenacity and ingenuity. 

I am definitely going to BC. I am still saving as much as I can so I have enough for a weeks vacation in Vancouver. But my plan ends with a fatal hot shot of fentanyl on the downtown east side when the money runs out. (I really don't see any other choice) But wouldn't it be nice if I could find myself a little motor home/rv to live in. My mother did it. She lived up in the mountains at a place just outside of 22 mile lake. Look it up,... you'll see just how remote this place is. She lived in a trailer with her dogs and cat. Hmmm just saw the parallel there,... thats exactly what I want to do. But unfortunately in this world everything costs money. Too much money. Money I don't have. You know the saying 'Money can't buy you happiness' well I disagree. If money could buy me a little tiny home in the middle of nowhere,... that would certainly make me happy. And I wouldn't have to end my life,...

Life is very unstable for me right now. Things are going downhill at an alarming rate. I NEED to get the hell away from this apartment and this building and this town,... there is nothing left for me here anymore. My children won't talk to me so why should I hang around any longer? I have been waiting for a reconcelliaton for years now (with my eldest daughter) but it's not coming. She has made up her mind and I am never seeing her or my granddaughter - ever again. hayle had no interest in being with me. I know that if a person wants to do something - they will find the time to do it. but my Hayley was just too busy,...

So with nothing left to keep me here, I make plans to go to BC. There really isn't any life for me here anymore. What happens in BC I don't know. It all depends on money (I don't have). I only have $500 to spend on rent and in Ontario rent STARTS at $1500 so I am already priced right out of living here. But I don't see anywhere else in this country that does have reasonable, affordable rent. And waiting lists for housing can be as long as 10 YEARS. 

It's very frustrating not being able to eek out some kind of a life. but living in poverty as well as pain everyday really does make life unbearable.

I don't want to die ~ but I don't have enough money to live anymore.

I am trapped.

How did I ever end up here?

I am waking up this morning to the turmoil of the aftermath of the Zelenskyy-Trump fiasco yesterday. The whole globe seems to be talking about it. I know I am shocked at the bad behaviour of Trump and Vance. To me it looked like school yard bullying. I may not live in the States, but they are our neighbour. And right now I am ASHAMED of what went down. 

All of this global turmoil right now is just adding to my instability I am feeling in my personal life right now. My life is falling apart, It is imploding and coming to an end. In short,... I have been priced right of living. I just can't afford to survive anymore. I feel no security or stability with my life. The constant threat of eviction has me so I am living in packed boxes ready to go,... that's not living,... that's waiting to be homeless.

And with this constant feeling of unease is a small growing fear of bigger things. I watch tv all day long (not my choice but all I have to do) And I have been following the world leaders now for awhile. And there is a definite shift in power right now. There is an uneasy current lying underneath,.... something? Something BIG is happening. I think we are going to see corruption and greed at Hitlers level in the future. I used to think I was just being paranoid as I grew up thinking I could TRUST world leaders. But now,.. I don't trust them. I think certain leaders are slipping off the moral path and falling into very dangerous territory. Dictatoship. 

Why we never learn from the past is frightening. But I see clear signs of a dictatorship with Trump. I feel the man is mentally ill and off-balance. I think he has way too much power and that is very scary. I know I am not an American, but his chaos is far-reaching and it does effect Canadians. 

Infact Trump and Putin seem to be trying to put a crack into this entire globe. Their arragance, entitlement and power scare the shit out of me. I have enjoyed a democracy my whole life for which I am very grateful for. But I can't help but fear this democracy is being attacked. Not just for me and my country, but for the whole world. TRUMP is unbalanced and everyone is scratching their heads trying to figure out how to deal with his nonsence. He lies,... he bullies,... he goes against everything morality stands for. The look of frustration and anger on Zelenskyys face as he was being bullied by Trump is the face of the rest of the world. Shock and anger at his arragance. Good people don't know how to fight dirtyness,... up until now it's been civilized. But Trump is anything but and it is confusing and frustrating. 

So it seems right now that nothing is secure for me. losing my ODSP has scared the shit out of me. I have been homeless before and I am terrified of it happening again. And on top of this, I am concerned for what is to come in the future globally. In short,... I fear world war three. So I have fears all around me. It's not a nice way to live. 

I am terrified something big is happening to our world right now. But I have to put that aside as I am fighting my own leathal battle right now. I am fighting to get out of housing,... I am fighting to get out of poverty,... but I am stuck. Defeated. Hopeless. 

I can barely afford to eat right now. But I have fears that food will become a luxury I cant afford at all soon. I see homelessness and hunger in my future. And an unstable and chaotic world around me. It certainly doens't leave me feeling safe.

I have given up on my court case. I have given up with housing and all their eviction threats. I have given up on trying to afford anything anymore,... I have just given up.

And I dont' see any hope in the future. With Doug Ford keeping the disabled in poverty so bad we can't afford to eat,... and an unstable housing situation,... I think the only answer is 'going to BC'. I have not given up on this idea. Infact it just gets more appealing with each passing day of hopelessness.

How did I ever end up here???