My life is now 'before' and 'after'

My life is now 'before' and 'after'. Before I learned I was not a liked person and after I learned I was not a liked person. I don't have an exact date or thing that had a defining moment that was the line. It was more over the past year. Things chipping away at me one piece at a time. It was a gradual knowledge. It was coming back from BC - traumatized and needing someone to care - and noone did. (They were furiious instead and to this day I still dont know why???) It was knowing whatever I did to them was bigger to them than my suffering homeless in BC and desperately needing my family. Which leads me to believe it had to be something terrible I did. Or do,... I'm not sure what it is I did ~ or do ~ so I can't talk about that. But I must be a very hard person to like if being homeless doesn't even get them to extend an olive branch.

It was everyone - and in the end finding myself alone because I'm such a bad person. Noone wants to be around me.

THAT was the realization in the end ~ noone wanted to be around me. So I must be bad. I tried to be a good person. I tried to be caring and kind. But people only saw my mental illness instead. And they thought it too severe to want me in their life.

Do you know what that does to a persons soul??? To know you tried - but failed. And your whole life was pointless. And to know that if you choose to remain here and live on,... you will be completely alone. Because noone wants you around? It's painful. It's more than painful. It's unbearable,.... shameful,.... I can't show my face anymore. I'm embarrassed I'm so unliked. But confused as to why so much???

I am so confused right now. How did I get to become so alone and invisable?

So now I live my life in 'after' mode. And it's not a good life. I used to get up in the morning and turn my laptop on with my morning coffee. Go to my social media sites and catch up. But now - I have deactivated all of those sites. So I no longer even bother opening my laptop anymore. Theres nothing to see. Its all gone. I only use it to bank and blog now. I am hidden from the world right now. If you look for me - my sites will be closed up. I have no connection to the outside world right now at all,...

and I just want to die 

I am so sad and humiliated and ashamed that I can never face the world again,....

so why stay? In the end,.... we all know noone will even notice I am gone,....

what a sad soul I am,... I wish I had never been born.

I don't even feel human anymore

 Since I have become a recluse ~ I don't even feel human anymore. I look at others and I envy them. They aren't hated,... disliked,... 

When I went into Service Ontario, my blood pressure was not only through the roof leaving me scared and worried I would have a heart attack or stroke, but I was also full of anxiety. I had not been 'out in the world' for over 2 months. I don't talk to anyone anymore. I am too ashamed. When you know people just 'put up with you' to be polite - you tend to feel shame and isolate away where you are safe. I can't bother anyone hiding in my apartment. 

I can't be a terrible Mom if I never see my children,...

I can't be a terrible person to anyone if I never interact with anyone anymore,.... and that is my plan. I have been made to feel so unwanted and so undeserving i have given up.

You won't give me my OHIP back??? Ok,... I guess i'm a monster that doesnt' deserve it,...

You won't let me in your life? Thats ok,... I understand. I'm a monster. I get it.

But I don't want this life. I am so alone my heart literally aches - physically aches for my children that wont let me in,...

I am a monster so I don't deserve OHIP (health care). That women will never know she put a nail in my coffin. That was the last straw. The only way I can move forward is to go and BEG for health care,...

Noone should have to beg for any need,...

I have been told no by so many people in this community that I hav eto believe that i am blacklisted. Whenever they see my name or number they ignore me and leave me to rot,... she is a monster,.... let her rot on her own until she dies knowing she was a horrible,. horrible monster.

HURT HER - she deserves it!!!!

I'm not going to try and even get my health care back. I'm nost going to beg. I already feel like someone who isn't even human anymore. Undeserving of anything. 

I am a monster that deserves to die

and so i will

DIE
DIE
DIE

And then everyone in the world can rejoice. Jacquie the mentally ill monster is DEAD!!!!!~
YAY!!!!!!!!!!

At this point even I will rejoice as i hate myself so much I can't wait to DIE

Please help me to die

 I am in trouble,.... big trouble. 

I can't get my OHIP

Becasue I'm a mentally ill monster who can't behave

I dont know why I am so hated,....

Maybe horrible people don't understand they are horrible,....

I thought I was a good person

But I am not

I am such a mentally ill monster I can't even get my OHIP fixed

why?

I dont' behave

I am a mentally ill monster that noone even sees anymore

I just need to die

PLEASE someone ~ 

will you help me to die

I will PAY

Just please help me to die

It's time to actively make a plan to die

 I think it's time to die.

 Not to wait until I have a heart attack like this province wants me to,....

 but to actually plan to die 

I am not going to suffer anymore

Ontario just refuses to help me

so now

Its now time to die

hanging?

fentanyl?

Jump infront of a truck???

whatever

so sick of being invisable when I need help

better to just die now

If this doesn't prove I am a hated piece of shit I don't know what would

I have had it. I had the morning from hell and now I hope to just have a heart attack ~ just get it the fuck over with.

As you know I have no OHIP (healthcare) coverage. I have been trying to get to Service Ontario to get my OHIP re-activated. I ended up in the ER over a month ago and had to walk out without being treated as my OHIP was found to be invalid.

So I have been living high anxiety for over a month trying to get to Service Ontario to get this done. But this damn Ontario weather has been working against me and I have not been physically able to get out. But I woke up this morning to temps above zero so I quickly had a shower and walked all the way to Service Ontario

It did not go well

I went today as I was forced to. My blood pressure was over 200 and I couldnt' wait another day. It was just fortuante today the weather was cooperative. By the time I walked all the way there though, I was shaking. I was not feeling well at all. I was good for the first bit but then she told me I had to have the exact dates I was out of the province and I didn't remember them. (I was only gone 13 days!!!) I just guessed on the form. Then she said I filled out one part wrong. By this time, I am not feeling well and I am getting annoyed this is taking so long. So I said what should it have said,.... Your address in BC she said,.... I didn't have one,... I said,... I was homeless,....

It was here I started to shake really badly. I got flustered and I lost it and said forget it - I'll just go to the hospital without health care. I don't have time for all of this,... I need to get to the hospital. She didn't care. She just looked past my shoulder for the next person,...

All my fucking life I have been DISMISSED!!!!!!

That woman will never know what it took for me to walk there today,.... but all for nought,.... punished!!!!

I went back to her and said ok what do I  need to do then as I need to get to the hospital,... but I dropped all my papers because I was really shaking and I said oh for fucks sakes (to myself but out loud) and that was that,...

"I am refusing to serve you Ma'am so get out of my office and you can't come back. You will have to use another service ontario office now"

I was so upset. Dismissed,.... dismissed,... dismissed,....

So now I'm feeling like a piece of shit. I don't even deserve OHIP now????? I'm such a piece of shit you can't even help me get OHIP? When I'm suffering a severe high blood pressure attack and not feeling well?????  You can't give me a fucking break????  I can't get to another office,... it took me over a month to get to this one. I can't get out of Fergus so I am shit out of luck for health care,...

I am so done.

My blood pressure has come down but only to 175/112. 

I am DYING of hypertension but after today I was made to feel like a worthless piece of shit who doesn't deserve,....

and maybe I don't,....

SO I WILL NEVER ASK FOR HELP FROM ANYONE EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!

That woman just sealed my coffin

 

Facebook has no safety police,.... it's a bot. You can't even reach a human to stop bullying! Very, very unsafe place now

 I have been trying to get a neighbour to stop bullying me for over 5 years now. I have had the police involved,... Ontario Housing involved,... but noone can seem to finally catch her to punish her. I am of course talking about Tonya Halls. The woman who has been harrassing me for well over 8 years now in this building. I had reached out to the police finally in desperation but they really couldn't do much. She hadn't actually threatened my life (so everything else she did is legal???) so they aren't going to pursue it. I showed them all the evidence of all the fake accounts she made and then sent me nasty messages from but they need Facebook to help them find out more. But after 4 months of trying I cannot get any help from Facebook. 

The damn site is run by bots. There is NO human to talk to. It's all bots. You report and you are cut off and can't go any furthur. I have looked on the internet high and low for a phone number to get a REAL person to talk to at Facebook but even AI says there isn't anyone,...

No fucking wonder Facebook is now a cesspool of scammers and bullies and stalkers,....

they get away with it!!!!!!!!

Now I had written in here about calling the police so she would know I am fed up and coming after her now. I told her that the police had set it up for the next time she harrassed me they could right away catch her address and therefore prove it was her,... But the cowardly cunt stopped all activity,... the very same day. It all stopped. As soon as i let her know she was being set up in a sting,.... it all stopped.

But because of her I have had to close up ALL of my social media so I no longer am even on the internet anymore except this blog which is set to private/closed so noone can view it anyway. This woman has forced me to hide away fromt he world by closing my life down so she couldnt' find it anymore.

How would you feel having to delete every socail media account you had. You'd be pissed,.... and I am,.... for someone who is a recluse to start with - having my socail media taken away has completely shut out the world now.

I see noone

I talk to noone

I have no facebook or tiktok or Instagram or any of those platforms.

I am protecting my privacy at all costs now. But sadly to do that I have had to hide from life,....

Facebook has become a wild wild west of anyone who wants to do harm,.... theres noone stopping them but a bot,.... and the bot doesn't really give a shit so does nothing. 

I felt so unsafe on Facebook that having closed it up I now finally feel safe,....

I think my Dad was the only person who ever really loved me

I am in deep seclusion now. I don't talk to anyone,... I rarely see anyone. If I do see someone it's a quick hello and then I put my head down and keep walking. I dont' want anything to do with people ever again.

Hearing that you are not liked has left me so embarrassed and humiliated that I can't face anyone. I can never look at people the same way again. How can you try and be with people when you know the truth. They don't really want to be there,... I look back over my life and it has happened over and over again ~ I just refused to see it. Who wants to see and acknowledge THAT truth?

My own birth parents didn't want me,.... then my adoptive Mom. My Dad passed away many years ago and I think we had a wonderful relationship so I don't want to look back at it forensically because I want it to remain a cherished memeory for me. My Dad loved me,.. and if he didn't actually 'like' me? Well,... I am not going to think about that. I want one person in this world to have loved and wanted me,... and in my mind it was my Dad.

My ex-husband didn't even want to spend time with me at all! My kids? Well,... they're gone too. Infact, everyone is gone.

When you see that evidence - it can't lie. You have to come to the conclusion that you really are unliked. And with that knowledge I pulled my head back into my shell like a turtle and I refuse to come out. If I am not a likable person I am not going to embarrass myself by trying to force a relationship with anyone. It would just be fake,... and I don't want fake. If I can't have a real relationship where someone actually likes me - for me,... and I'm not 'annoying' then I would love that. But I have been told,... over and over again I am not what people want. After 62 years ~ I finally get it.

So I am too embarrassed to come out. I don't want to be the pity friend you see to be the good person. Becky was that for sure,... She stuck around a lot longer than most but funnily we didn't actually spend a lot of time together,... She was a nice person. But not even she could put up with me. 

I am so embarrassed,... so ashamed,... so humiliated,...

I just want to die

 I'm going to be dead before my holiday. Even gets here.

I am a monster

They say when you are dying, your life flashes before your eyes. I wouldn't know if that is true as I am still alive and breathing. But I have been reflective over the past few months. And it has left me quite saddened.

No matter how I look at my life ~ I can't help knowing it meant nothing. 

I have always had this belief about what life is. I think that in the universe before earth, we were souls. I believe that while up in 'heaven' your soul makes a plan. You life is planned already before you are even born. It's like your biography is already written. You are born to live that plan. Souls are joined up with other souls they are already connected to in past lives. That is what makes the love between families. They belong together so no matter what ~ your family is your life.

But I believe my soul got 're-routed' when i was adopted. I firmly believe that my 'planned path' was broken when I was born into one family and then abandoned and put into foster care and then eventually my 'adoptive' family. I think my soul was forever fucked up when my 'plan' was broken.

I loved my adoptive family. They were good for me. They gave me stability and consistency which allowed me to feel like I was wanted. Infact, for my childhood years I was very happy. I didn't want for anything. But thats how children are. As long as their needs are met they are happy. 

It wasn't until my adulthood that things went wrong. I would meet people and think I was liked. I thought people really actually had feelings for me and cared what happened to me over my life. But  I discovered that wasn't true.

The love I received from my adoptive family ~ had conditions. And the older and more mentally ill I got - the less my family liked me. They tried hiding it but after things happened I realized they were just fulfilling their obligation. They adopted me - theywere stuck with me. I didn't see it. I was so blind. I thought I was wanted.

But things happened,... invitations given to other family members but I wasn't included. (embarrassed? ashamed?) My ex-husband couldn't stand to even be home with me and therefore spent most of his time away from me and our home. Working,... baseball,... drinking and being with friends,... but he never wanted to be with me. I often wonder why he wanted to marry me? Becasue he sure didnt' show much emotiong or effection to me. Infact I can remember I hated the sound of the front door closing as it was him leaving,... always leaving,... I was never wanted.

My mother, in the end, couldn't even hide her disdain. I remember her dying and I drove my girls two hours to see her - she wouldnt' even look or talk to me and instead gushed over my daughters. She out and out IGNORED me,... my heart was broken. She literally couldn't hide her dislike for me. She tried but was too sick and didn't have the energy to pretend anymore. She just out and out showed me she didn't want me in her life. To be rejected by not only one mother - but two,... left me so broken I could never have another relationship. I obviously didn't know how to have a relationship with anyone. I know this as they all turned on me and left me and even though they all know exactly where I live,.... I will forever remain alone. 

So now,... in my senior years,... I am left with the tragic and painful knowledge that I was not wanted - nor was I liked - while I walked this planet. I was 'put up with' until it was ok to walk away from. 

I sadly learned that I was not a good person. I was a mentally ill monster that noone wanted around. That is a lot to get your head around. And after much agonizing I realize I never will.

So now I know my life is not only pointless,... but people activly want me gone,... out of their lives forever,...

And the biggest tragedy of all is I still dont' know what I have done wrong,...

And it leaves me in so much pain I really do wish I would just die. Living is humiating knowing people point and laugh at the mentally ill monster.

EVERYONE HATES HER SO YOU CAN TOO

I have hiden myself away now and i will never have another relationshiop with anyone ever again. NOONE wants me,...

I am a monster

It's been over a month now since I had to leave the ER because I had no health coverage. But this damn winter won't stop dumping down snow. Today is yet another snow storm,.... 

I am trapped inside my apartment and desperately need to get to Service Ontario to get health care so I can get to a doctor,....

But no buses,... no taxi,.... I have to walk a 7 km round trip to get health care.

I hate this,...

I am trapped. I cant get out!!!!!!!

I just need to die

Dying is the only relief I see now

 I went to bed early last night. I was so upset I just needed to end that day. But even though I actually got a good sleep (crying yourself to sleep does do that to me) I did not wake up feeling refreshed. Instead I woke up feeling dejected,... hopeless,... suicidal,...

It has become clear that I can't go on alone. I just can't do the things I used to do that gave me my independence. My body has failed me. I couldn't even put together a very simple piece of furniture. I did it wrong - stripped screws and now it is ruined,...

I can't do much that I used to anymore,...

So after a lot of thinking I have come to the conclusion that my life needs to end. 

I am tired,...

I am in severe pain that limits my abilities,...

I am miserable,....

So now plans have changed. I no longer wish to live. And I have decided that if this province won't give me a doctor then I am going to end my life with my own "MAiD's". 

I don't know how much a person has to suffer before anyone cares.

But I am suffering and alone and no help is coming. I called someone two weeks ago and she said she would look into it and call me back. Did she call  me back? No,... they never do,.... there are no resources they can offer me that will help. They are all gone becasue this government disolved them all over the years so that now that i need them - they are gone.

No help

I can't go on

Now,... I put all my efforts into DYING,....

How can I do it,.... and when can I get it over with

DYING is the only relief i see

I just need to die now

 This is the result of me trying to put furniture together. I FAILED!

Nothing is going right. I had to order another (cheap) drawey unit. But when I was putting it together I put one side on up-side-down so I had to remove it to fix. But the screw is stripped and I cannot get it off. I have tried everything,... but after an hour I threw the damn thing out in the hall and have written it off as a loss,....

Jacquie the loser failed again,.... so stupid she can't even put furniture together right. $100 ~ WASTED!

I am so done being alone,....

I am so done having to do everything by myself whether I can or not,... 

I am so fucking done,.....

Still can't get out to get my OHIP re-activated,....

Can't get groceries,.....

My hands are still so mangled I can't put furniture together.

So I have taken a loss of the damn thing. I have no idea what to do with it as I can't just put it in the garbage room. Right now I am so angry it is still sitting outside my unit where I angrily threw it,...

I hate myself and my life and I can't fucking wait to DIE!!!!!!!!!

Being left on my own to cope is not working,...

I just need to die now

Day 27 of trapped inside unable to re-activate OHIP

It's been 27 days since I went to the ER with severely high blood pressure but didn't get treatment as I discovered my health care wasn't valid. I left the ER untreated as I am not paying a bill for what everyone else gets free in this country. So I have been trying to get to Service Ontario ever since. No luck. The weather here has been horrible. We have had a polar vortex plunging the temperatures so it's too cold for me to walk anywhere. On top of the cold it has been snowing most days as well. I have been trapped inside unable to go anywhere. And each day I dont' have health care is a gamble.

I need to get to Service Ontario!!!

Being trapped inside is creating it's own problems. Cabin fever! I am going mad with boredom right now. There is just way too many hours in a day and nothing to do to fill them up but watch tv. 

I am going mad! I can't take it anymore,...

Boredom is going to leave me insane,... I now know exactly where the term cabin fever drives from,...

Isolation,... lonliness,... being trapped inside,....

I am so miserable I just want to die

I hate this town!!!!!

Well I'm glad noone will be reading this entry,... I am fuming and just going to vent,...

I STILL can't get to Service Ontario. The weather has been so cold that schools and government offices have been closed. We have had snow almost every single day for the past month. And we are in the middle of a polar vortex that has left us in temperatures that are below twenty down to minus fifty!!! 

But today was sunny and I showered early so I called a taxi to get to service ontario to get my OHIP re-activated. My blood pressure is getting worse which is leaving me anxious to get on medication as soon as I can.  I REALLY NEED to get my OHIP! But the taxi was going to be an hours wait. I didn't like that but I had to go. So I waited,... and waited,... but waiting isn't easy when you live on the 3rd floor and can't see the parking lot or when the taxi arrives. I have to leave my unit to go out into the hall to watch out the hall window. It would be so much easier if they just gave us a lobby feed of the cctv like every other apartment building in this province. So waiting for me ~ who already has anxiety ~ is going back and forth from my unit to the hall window,... pacing,... waiting,... So you can imagine how angry I got when i was looking out the window and saw it pull up and then SOMEONE ELSE get into it and they leave. I know the girl who stole it. I had just been talking to her. She is the one that annoys everyone by asking for money all the time. I knew she was going out but was looking for a ride. She told me this while I had already called for my taxi. I TOLD her I was waiting for a taxi,... so for her to know I was waiting and then steal it when it came,... My heart sank. I had been waiting already for 45 minutes. Jen didn't even phone for one. So,... I took off my coat and cancelled my taxi telling them they let someone steal it,... and decided I'm not going today. 

I knew that even if the taxi came and I got a ride to Service Ontario, when i was done re-activating my OHIP I would have had to wait at least another hour for a taxi to get home. I'm a tough Canadian girl but it's minus 11 out there today and I just dont' want to get stuck having to walk all the way home in this icy cold weather. I've done it before many times but I am just not up to that today. I am feeling my age and I just couldn't do it.

When the fuck am I ever going to get the hell out of this apartment and get to Service Ontario???????? The weather isn't calling for any warmth soon. We are expecting MORE snow and cold! And what kind of town has NO buses and ONE taxi??? I HATE this town. I am not going to survive unless I get the fuck out of Fergus Ontario,... 

I AM DYING AND THIS TOWN JUST DOENS'T SEEM TO HAVE THE RESOURCES I NEED TO FIX MY HYPERTENSION

So unless I can get the fuck out of Fergus (and I doubt I can) then I will die of a heart attack or end up in a long term facility after a stroke. THAT is my future living in Wellington County here in Fergus,...

I need to get the fuck out of here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And just the feeling that I am so alone that noone can help me is devastating,....

I feel like I'm not even part of thsi society,....

I have never felt so alone,...

Jacquie Holyoak no longer exists ~ the world can rejoice

 I don't know exactly how this blog works. I want to write on here with noone reading it. I know on my other blog, even when set to Private,... subscribers still get a copy e-mailed to them. So i am using this blog in the hopes that not even subscribers can read this anymore. Becasue what I have learned over the past few years is that noone cares about you. They only want to read the gory details to entertain themselves. And in Tonya case - use it against you to humiliate you.

That is never going to happen again. I have closed down both blogs and deactivated my Facebook page. I still have a 'game' account open on Facebook but it isn't personal. It's just for game play. But yes,... Tonya found that account (it was under my maiden name of Morgan yet she still found it) and she abused that account too,... but I still play the game out of sheer boredom so would like to keep that open. But that is the absolute ONLY social media I have now.

I don't feel safe anymore. Too many of the wrong people have been abusing my blogs. So now I have decided to shut out the entire world completely. 

January 2026 marks my decision to leave the human race. Leave society,... no longer be a part of this world. Now,... I live alone,... as a recluse where noone can contact me anymore. I have my phone number and my email and that is all. NO MORE NASTY PEOPLE using my life to entertain themselves.

I am done with people,.... forever,....

January 2026 marks the beginning of my self reclusive lifestyle.

I have done so much soul searching due to all that has happened. And I can't find one positive. I have been so hurt I can't even face the world anymore. And so I won't.

No more Jacquie Holyoak ~ she no longer exists.

Now I live under the radar speaking with noone. I keep myself to myself. No longer do I want human contact anymore,.... as all it does it hurt.

I hate people.

I hate this community of Fergus Ontario

I hate that this country is allowing me to die when all I need is a doctor but can't get one,...

I hate that I am invisable and noone even cares if I breath,...

I hate life

I hate my life

I hate that I am invisable and going to die because noone can fucking see me,...

Today I have no family

Today I have no frineds

Today I am a hermit who hides from the world and ignores everyone.

I no longer speak to people

Jacquie Holyoak NO LONGER EXISTS!!!!!!!!

The world can rejoice

The mentally ill monster is gone,......