I just got home and that was the last straw,… I have not been to bed yet because my blood pressure not only rose so high it made the monitor sound an alarm,… but I had a hiatus hernia attack on top of it. The pain got so bad I started to dry heave and sweat profusely. I was literally rolling on the bathroom floor in pain. My BP was 231 over 131. But I didn’t actually call 911 for the high blood pressure. I called because the pain got too severe and I couldn’t bear it anymore. So I was once again taken by ambulance (another $45.00 bill I can add to the other 9 I already have and can’t pay). But the worst part hadn’t even happened yet. I of course refused all meds with my “I refuse to live on $1308 a month it’s too cruel” speach. They were not happy about this at all. But this is where I get so angry. They can’t fathom why a person would want to end their life so bad. Of course they can’t imagine why,… they have every thing they need and more.
I am so angry I am going to shout as loud as I can,… “I challenge you to spend one month in my life and you wouldn’t survive.” No family,… no vehicle to get anywhere,… no money,… and live a life of pain on top of that?? It’s not only miserable,… it’s not only a struggle I just can’t physically do anymore,… It’s CRUEL now.
After refusing all BP meds I left. And here is where I got so angry. I had to walk home. I don’t know how far the Fergus Groves hospital is from my apartment but I am going to guess 10 km. And I have such a miserable life I had noone to call to come and drive me home. NO ONE!!!! Let me say that again,… there was not ONE PERSON in my life that could have picked me up. Becasue there is no one in my life.
That walk was horrible. I feel like death warmed over,… my blood pressure is still severly high,… I feel light-headed and hot and I can’t stop sweating. But if I wanted to get home I had to walk,… and thats what I did. But I cried every step I took. Becasue this was the realization that you are COMPLETELY on your own. You are such a loser there isn’t one person in this world that you could have called for a ride home. So even though the doctors warned me NOT TO WALK,… I did. And now that I am home I am so angry,…. I can barely control this rage at having to walk that far because you are such a fucking loser no one wants you in there life. YOU ARE COMPLETELY ALONE!
I feel very, very unwell right now. But all I can do is hope that I die of a heart attack today and my suffering will finally be over,….
But man,… am I ever angry at the world right now and only want to DIE!!!!!! NOW I JUST NEED TO DIE!
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