I don't feel any connection to any person on this planet. Not even my dna family. It's the lonliest feeling in the world. I miss so much,...  I miss touch. I miss being around other human beings. I miss my family. God, how I miss my family. Over the past 5 years my world got smaller and smaller. People leaving my life in droves,... so that here I am now,... completely on my own and so lonely it's a physical ache deep inside my being.

This is going to sound pathetic. But I have so little interaction with the "outside world" that I sometimes forget what communicating directly with others feels like. I have been solving my own problems,.. soothing my own hurts for so long I don't know how to react when someone finally does show me concern. I don't know why I am thinking about this but it has crossed my mind a few times since I got hit by the car last February. After I was hit and I was lying on the ground,... it took a minute or two for people to connect with me. So I literally just shut my eyes and kind of whimpered. Not even a cry. It wasn't until an off-duty fireman took over that I felt safe. I remember his whole being was focused on just me. Nothing else in the world mattered to him at that point in time except making sure I was ok. He kneeled over me holding my neck in position and he talked to me. His whole complete focus was just on me. And he stayed the whole time I was on the ground which I don't know how long that was but I am thinking about 20 minutes? And in that time I can remember feeling weird that anyone was focused on me. JUST me. I even said to him something like "wow,... I feel so special getting all this attention" because in my isolated world I don't get human touch or concern from anyone anymore. This was new to me and therfore I almost felt uncomfortable being the centre of everyones attention. And it gave me a sad pause,... because all this care and attention and concern is so blatantly missing in my life right now. When I have a crisis in my life I just know to deal alone and take care of it myself. I have been doing that since the year 2000. For nearly 25 years I have made my own decisions,... I have physiaclly and mentally taken care of myself. There isn't anyone else in my life to do it so I have no choice but to just "deal" and get on with it. But rarely is there a comforting shoulder to cry on while doing it. I have learned to "soothe" myself over the years. The solution to this soothing wasn't always healthy but I did what I did to get through the situations I have had to face in my life. After years of this you learn to not feel anymore. You learn to become numb and that is your protection. I know this is my life so I don't expect a lot of care from people. There isn't anyone around anymore to care,... so I just get on with it.

So I felt rather vulnerable when this off-duty firefighter put so much effort into just me. I almost felt embarrassed. Like a fraud. No no sir,... your mistaken. I am not worth your concern and bother. I just help myself all the time,... I did not feel worthy of all this attention. I certainly wasn't used to it and felt a bit awkward like I was wasting everyones time. I try and make myself as small to this world as I can to be as little of a burden as I can. And this felt like I didn't deserve it. An ambulance,... fire truck,... police,... all for me? I couldn't help thinking that when the dust settled they would realize. Waste of time,.... she wasn't hurt that bad and shes just faking it,.... waste of time,.... So I just tried to stay as less of a nuisance that I could. I am fine,... I am fine ... I am fine,... just let me go home. Just let me fade into the background and disappear. There are real sick people here. Go tend to the ones who really need you. So I slunk back home into my isolated pit and fended for myself. Alone,... alone,... alone,... and it broke me. And here we are almost 6 months later and I have become agoraphobic and suicidal. As i write this I sit here and wish my life to end.

I can't bear this lonliness and no connection to anyone anymore,... It has made me shut down. Leaving me an angry and depressed empty soul.

Why couldn't anyone else be like that fireman? Seeing me as someone who is worthy of care? Well,... I do know the answer to that and it's too sad to think about. That fireman was just doing his job. That makes me feel so sad. That it took me getting hit by a car to finally feel such care and attention from another human being,... but in the end,... just like my real life,... even those heros faded out and left me alone once again.

I have made myself a solemn vow that I will not see my 61st birthday. By the time September 7th arrives,... I hope to be long dead and buried and finally have peace. Because isolation and being alone is soul destroying and I just can't bear it any longer.